Jimmy Award (National High School Musical Theater Award)

“If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever”

Texas Chicken (ship-passing maneuver)

“Eisenhower Doll—wind it up and it does nothing for eight years”

Benchslap (judicial bench + bitchslap)

Subway Acrobat

“What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?” (joke)

“What did the baby corn say to its mom?”/“Where’s my pop corn?”

“When is soup musical?”/“When it’s piping hot.”

“What do you call a fake noodle?”/“An impasta.”

“The rich have advantages that money cannot buy”

“Soccer is America’s sport of the future—and always will be”

“The first draft of anything is shit”

“There, I guess King George will be able to read that!” (John Hancock?)

“Summer has arrived when the rain is warm”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!”

Do-Nothing Congress

“The team that gets the best player wins the trade”

“A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre” (bar joke)

“The Senate is the enemy” (House of Representatives saying)

“What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?”/“A drummer.”

“Great trade! Who’d we get?”

“Minor surgery is surgery that happens to someone else”

“So far, so good!” (Empire State Building jumper joke)

Cupcakery (cupcake + bakery)

“Advertising is what you pay for; publicity is what you pray for”

“Head in the oven, feet in the freezer” (statistician joke on “averaging”)

“Why don’t lions like fast food?” (joke)

“How did the hipster burn his tongue?” (joke)

“The first thing I do each morning is to read the obituaries” (joke)

Disneyland for Wall Street (Manhattan)

“Please Eat The Activist” (PETA backronym)

“If you don’t believe in random sampling, go to the doctor for a blood test, have him take it all”

Stars and Scrubs (player acquisition strategy)

Studs and Duds (player acquisition strategy)

“Throw away the fish, eat the plank” (joke)

“If you want something in the paper, that’s advertising; you want something kept out, that’s news”

“We have to find the people who did this—they need help!” (joke about liberals)

Raging Moderate

“Conservatives believe life begins at conception and ends at birth”

“The score is still 0-0—you haven’t missed anything” (joke)

“How do you save a drowning lawyer?” (lawyer joke)

“What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? (lawyer joke)

“Better blatant than latent” (gay slogan)

“The best players win MVPs; the best teams win championships”

“Gay and proud” (“I’m gay and I’m proud”)

“Black and proud” (“I’m black and I’m proud”)

Losership (loser + leadership)

“To conquer a nation, first disarm its citizens”

“How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?” (lawyer joke)

“You can make anything out of lignin, except money”

“If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?” (joke)

“Why does beer go through your system so fast?” (joke)

U.S. Chamber of Crony Capitalism (U.S. Chamber of Commerce nickname)

“A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm…” (bar joke)

“How many people work in the Pentagon?” (joke)

“Is that you or the beer talking?” (joke)

Internal Revenge Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

“No more pencils, no more books; no more teacher’s dirty looks”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” (joke)

“Hot dogs taste better when the home team wins”

Carboholic

Friendternship (friend + internship)

Fake and Rake

“I didn’t go to school just to eat my lunch”

“I must be in the front row”

Procaffination (Procaffinate; Procaffinating)

“If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?”

“Grow your own dope—plant a politician”

“Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant”

Dead Meat (to be a loser or in serious trouble)

“We don’t do kings (in America)”

“Age and glasses of wine should never be counted”

“The Burning of the School” (“Battle Hymn of the Republic” parody)

Bubblenomics (bubble + economics)

Lying Mainstream Media (LMSM)

“If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way: if not, you’ll find an excuse”

“Why did the cookie go to the doctor?”/“Because he was feeling crummy!”

“Why did the mushroom go to the party?”/“Because he was a fun-gi.”

“Why is monastery food so greasy?”/“It’s cooked by friars.”

“Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the U.S.?”/“Because freedom rings.”

“My family’s in the iron and steel business” (joke)

“No one gets sick on Wednesdays”

“I’ll have burnt toast and cold coffee” (restaurant customer joke)

“A consultant is someone who lives out of town”

Big Apple of the Midwest (Columbus, Ohio nickname)

“The best fertilizer is the gardener’s shadow”

“Women go to the theatre and men are brought there” (theatre adage)

“Do you want to hear a construction joke?”/“I’m working on it.”

“What’s the slowest soup a chef can prepare?”/“Turtle soup.”

“Power is the great aphrodisiac” (“Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac”)

Jersey Breakfast or Triple Bypass (Taylor Pork Roll, Egg & Cheese)

“Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves” (deli/restaurant sign)

Church of the Generals (St. John’s Episcopal Church, Fort Hamilton, Brooklyn)

Quooklyn (Queens + Brooklyn)

Bedwick (Bed-Stuy + Bushwick)

Parkwanus (Park Slope + Gowanus)

“An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house…” (joke)

Fidouchebag (fiduciary/finance + douchebag)

“Always Be Clicking” (“ABC” of the Internet)