“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Grand Slam (tennis)

“We dine out twice a week. My wife goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays”

Grand Slam (horse racing)

“He’ll do to ride the river with”

Nation’s Report Card (National Assessment of Educational Progress)

“People think of education as something they can finish”

“They tried to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds”

“What’s the difference between a fund manager and a shopping trolley?” (joke)

“Funny don’t make money” (professional wrestling adage)

Kabbouleh (kale + tabbouleh)

Sausage Sandwich

“My new boss told me to be on call 24/7. I don’t mind as July 24th is ages away”

“The aim of a college education is to teach you to know a good man when you see one”

Neoconner (neocon + conner)

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine”

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

“What news on the Rialto?” (Rialto theatre district)

“We don’t need shooters, we need makers” (basketball adage)

“Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect”

Dirt-poor

“What’s the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?” (joke)

“Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up”

“Talent recognizes talent”

“I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life”

Sailor Sandwich

“I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever”

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance”

“I’m a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine”

Have Yachts (from “haves and have nots”)

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe coffee is addicted to ME?”

“If there’s a bar where everybody knows your name, you’re probably an alcoholic”

Philanthropreneur (philanthropist + entrepreneur)

“How many bathroom-window curtains must die needlessly to clothe golfers?”

“Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering”

“Bad weather always looks much worse through a window”

“Hakuna Ma’Vodka. It means no memories”

“A bad settlement is better than a good trial”

“I eat tacos over a tortilla so when stuff falls out, BOOM!, another taco”

Death’s Thoroughfare (Mulberry Street)

“When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?”

“I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it”

“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil”

“Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“A politician can make waves, then make you think he’s the only one who can save the ship”

“A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles”

“A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory”

Educayshun (eye dialect spelling of “education”)

“Mathematics is the cheapest science”

“Mathematics is the second-cheapest department at any college”

“The slower it comes off, the longer it stays off” (weight loss adage)

Chambong (champagne + bong)

“You wash dishes, and two weeks later you have to do it again”

“Polo is a passport to the world”

Crybully (crybaby + bully)

Hamburger Disease (hemolytic uremic syndrome)

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet”

“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?” (knock-knock joke)

Vegducken or Veggieducken (veggie + turducken)

Tofucken (tofu + turducken)

“A musical comedy must have good legs for a long run”

“If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter”

“A signature reveals a man’s character—and sometimes even his name”

“A filibuster is a long speech about nothing by an authority on the subject”

Poor Man’s Butter (avocado)

“My wife will buy anything that’s marked down. Yesterday, she brought home an escalator!”

“Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer” (pun)

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people”

Kerosene Row

Thieves’ Alley (5 Norfolk Street)

Bandits’ Roost (59 Mulberry Street)

“Police are a fraternity, fire personnel are a brotherhood, and EMTs are family”

“Salad dressing is just lettuce gravy”

Bone Alley

Times Plaza (Brooklyn)

“No Jews need apply”

“Is a hot dog a sandwich?” (debate question)

“Dieting is not a piece of cake”

“A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width”

“Dieting is the penalty for living beyond your seams”

“How many politicians would it take to save the world?” (joke)

“People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens”

“Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it”

“We take career advice from someone who went to college to be a guidance counselor”

“Church is never out until they stop singing”

“A green Thanksgiving means a white Christmas”

Turkey Day (Thanksgiving Day)

“If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?” (joke)

“IKEA is Swedish for divorce”

“Make your mark in New York, and you are a made man”

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is”

Hare Krishna Tree (American Elm in Tompkins Square Park)

The Dinosaur (English Elm in Washington Heights)

“Prospects will break your heart” (baseball adage)

Thieves’ Lair (Longacre Square/Times Square)

Skyville (Schuylerville, Bronx)

“The most fattening thing you can put in an ice-cream sundae is a spoon”