“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?” (lawyer joke)

“What’s the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?” (joke)

“What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?” (lawyer joke)

“What’s the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?”/“A leek.”

“Why are most New York Italians called Tony?” (joke)

Minnesota: North Star State (nickname)

“I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a bartender who works from home”

“How are an apple and a lawyer alike?” (lawyer joke)

“How do you make a hot dog stand?”/“Take away its chair.”

“What do you call an everyday potato?”/“A commentator.”

“What kind of shorts do clouds wear?”/“Thunderwear.”

“What goes up when the rain comes down?”/“An umbrella.”

“A limbo dancer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Where can you see a man-eating fish?”/“In a restaurant.”

“Knock, knock.”/“Who’s there?”/“Cash.”/“Cash who?”

“What has a head and a tail, but no body?”/“A coin.”

“Why couldn’t the fish go shopping?”/“It didn’t have anemone.”

“Jesus walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a circle of $100 bills?”/“Aretha Franklins.”

“I made love for an hour and fifteen minutes. We turned the clocks ahead”

Eggspresso (egg + espresso)

“Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck”

“I doubt vodka is the answer, but it’s worth a shot”

“Why did the feminist fail algebra?”/“She couldn’t solve inequalities.”

“A tradition unlike any other” (The Masters golf tournament)

“Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test…” (bar joke)

“Summer is two weeks of bad sledding”

“A neutrino walks through a bar…” (bar joke)

“Math puns are the first sine of madness”

“A mole walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Energy equals milk chocolate squared”

“You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t quit the game” (Ginsberg’s Theorem)

“The NSA walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Two dragons walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“An infra-red photon walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“You don’t need a parachute to skydive” (joke)

“What kind of bar do fish go to?”/“A sand bar.”

“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?” (lawyer joke)

“Why does California have the most lawyers and NJ the most toxic waste dumps?” (lawyer joke)

“Why does NY have so many bankers and NJ so many toxic waste dumps?” (banker joke)

“I moved to New York for my health. I’m paranoid and my fears were justified”

Pajama Trader

“The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford”

“New York’s tough without the coin, isn’t it?”

“A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door”

Ocean Meat (seafood)

“Crime in New York is really serious. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up”

“You have to be a contortionist in this economy to make ends meet”

“In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension”

“Knock, knock.”/“Who’s there?”/“9/11.”/“9/11 who?” (joke)

“A ham sandwich walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a chef under stress?”/“A pressure cooker.”

“We used to have empires ruled by emperors and kingdoms ruled by kings…”

“Don’t put sugar on shit and tell me it’s a brownie”

“Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller, then leave the store”

“Why does a Frenchman have only one egg in his omelet?” (joke)

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana…” (joke)