“‘Let’s eat, grandma’ or ‘let’s eat grandma’—punctuation saves lives!”

“Need an ark? I Noah guy”

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer”

“I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves”

“Children, if you are tired, keep going; if you want to taste freedom, keep going”

“What’s a lawyer’s ideal weight?”/“About three pounds, including the urn.”

“What’s the difference between the Pope and your boss?”/“The Pope only makes you kiss his ring.”

“Get crackin’” or “Get cracking” (removing shells from eggs, nuts)

“What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?”/“A matzochist.”

“Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg”

“Why can’t diabetics get vengeance?”/“Because vengeance is sweet.”

“Who’s the patron saint of email?”/“St. Francis of a CC.”

“A chemist walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Statistics are like ladies of the night. Once you get them down, you can do anything with them”

“You can’t pick your friends’ noses”

“Performing since the Dead Sea was only sick” (a long time)

“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?”/“A stick.”

“There was an early bird special, so I ordered Archaeopteryx”

Acela Primary or Amtrak Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

“The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe”

“What kind of bee gives milk?”/“A boobie.”

“Shortbread—They’re not making it any longer”

Yuge (huge)

“Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

“Teacher: ‘You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?’ Pupil: ‘Not very much!’”

“What do you call a Drosophila who likes to drink?”/” A bar fly.”

“A blowfly goes into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Where do monkeys exercise?”/“At the jungle gym.”

I-95 Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

“I’m with stupid”

“Laughter is the best medicine” (proverb)

“My teacher doesn’t know anything. All she does is ask questions”

“You can’t go wrong with bricks and mortar”

Whammy Bar (vibrato for guitar)

White Oil (lithium nickname)

“Screw it, just do it” (“Screw it, let’s do it”)

Halfmoon: Solar Town, USA (nickname)

“A rubber band was confiscated during algebra because it was a weapon of math disruption”

“Yo’ mama is so dumb, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran out with a spoon”

“Editorial writers enter the battlefield after the war and shoot the wounded”

“A critic enters the battlefield after the war and shoots the wounded”

“Throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care”

“As seen on TV” (advertising catchphrase)

Windham: Land in the Sky (nickname)

Windham: Gem of the Catskills (nickname)

Tannersville: Painted Village in the Sky (nickname)

Air Conditioning in a Glass (Rickey cocktail nickname)

Grope and Fail (Globe and Mail nickname)

Daily Fail (Daily Mail nickname)

“A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator”

Torygraph (Telegraph nickname)