“The girls all get prettier at closing time” (barroom adage)

“Political correctness is tyranny with a happy face”

“I asked my caddie for a sand wedge…” (golf joke)

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him”

“I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii”

“When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”

“Every teacher before they draw on the board: ‘I’m not an artist’”

“Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded”

“I asked my caddie for a sand wedge…” (golf joke)

Fizzician (fizz + physician)

“Success is a great deodorant”

“I’m a Ph.D.—Pizza Hut Deliveryman”

“What is the holiest chord?”/“G sus.”

Idaho: Potato State (nickname)

Idaho: Little Ida (nickname)

“I’m a Ph.D.—Pizza Hut Deliveryman”

“May the Fourth be with you” (Star Wars Day, May 4th)

“If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right”

“I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things”

“If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny…”

“It was meaty okra” (mediocre)

“Why can’t New Yorkers play chess?”/“They’re missing two towers.”

Prattsville: New York’s Mount Rushmore (nickname)

Brexting (breakup + texting; breastfeeding + texting)

“Have my doubts about this ‘smart water,’ considering how easily it’s captured and bottled”

“Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it”

Plastic Banana

“Laziness is when a person doesn’t fake that he’s working”

“Rhymes with orange”

“Work until your bank account looks like a phone number”

“Why did 10 die?”/“Because he was in the middle of 9/11.”

“The doctor said I can only eat greens, so I went on a dye it”

“A snake walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Why aren’t bananas ever lonely?”/“Because they come in bunches.”

“A book walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A pair of dice walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Worrying is like praying for something that you don’t want to happen”

“Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision”

“A towel walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Waffle Iron (432 Park Avenue)

“If I knew you were coming, I’d have baked a cake”

“Don’t pick a job with great vacation time. Pick one that doesn’t need escaping from”

“If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!”

“We’re not born just to pay bills and die”

“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week”

“Why is 6 afraid of 7?”/“Because 7 8 9.”

“Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?”/“Because nobody made sandwiches.”

“What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”/“Breathe!”

“I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils”

“They picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone else works twice as hard”

Fakebook (Facebook nickname)

“What do math teachers call retirement?”/“The ‘aftermath.’”

“Two people lectured me on brown bread. I think they’re Hovis witnesses”

“Prophets are going through the roof” (joke)

“Liquidity is only there when you don’t need it”

Compact of Fifth Avenue (Pact of Fifth Avenue)

Compact of Fifth Avenue (Pact of Fifth Avenue)

“Money talks, wealth whispers”

“In the playoffs, your best players have to be your best players”

“Give me an athlete and I can turn him into a lacrosse player”

“A healthy attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier!”

“How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?”/“None.”

“One game doesn’t define a season”

“A good driver can make a poor car look good, but not the other way around”

Sphinx of Wall Street

“I like my women like I like my wine…” (joke)

Brazilian Big Apple (São Paulo nickname)

“A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom”

“Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade”

“Hard work is the accumulation of easy things you didn’t do”

“Committee work is like a soft chair—easy to get into but hard to get out of”

“A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom”

“Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade”

“What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?”/“Annette.”

“What can you serve but never eat?”/“A tennis ball.”

“What does a redneck and yeast have in common?”/“They are both in bread.”

“Why did the chicken go to the gym?”/“To work on his pecks.”

“Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert”

“9/11 jokes aren’t funny. But the other 2 are”

“9/11 jokes aren’t funny. They’re just plane wrong”

“Which is faster, hot or cold?”/“Hot, because you can catch a cold”

“How do you make a salad wrap?”/“Add some beets.”

“Why did the cookie cry?”/“Because his mother was a wafer so long.”

“The cannibal had a wife and ate kids”

“What is a hermit?”/“A girl’s baseball glove.”

“What do you call a cow with a twitch?”/“Beef jerky.”

“Waiter: This is duck soup. Diner: No! It’s watered down!”

Manhattan’s Other Island (Roosevelt Island)

“I saw a hot dog vendor today…” (joke)

“To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there”

“What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?”/“Ba-na-na-na.”

“What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?” (joke)

“How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?”/“Tenants.”

“To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there”

“What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?”/“A necktarine.”

“What makes music on your head?”/“A head band.”

“What vegetable makes birds fart?”/“A sparrow gas.”

“Waiter! Do you have frogs’ legs?”/“No, I always walk this way.”

“Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest”

“What do you call a shoe store with only one owner?”/“A sole proprietorship.”