“When there’s a big solar energy spill, it’s just called ‘a nice day’”

“If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair” (bumper sticker)

“I Will” (Chicago motto)

“What is the first derivative of a cow?”/“Prime rib.”

“Why did the boy eat his homework?”/“Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.”

“I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don’t have car insurance”

“What’s the difference between a viola and a coffin?” (joke)

Gapers’ Block

“Y” (Chicago Municipal Device)

“Chicken in the car and the car won’t go” (Chicago spelling rhyme)

“What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?”/“The Holocaust.”

“I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis” (anti-joke)

Gapers’ Block

“I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee”

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup”

“I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer”

“Why is 6 afraid of 7?”/“Because 7 is a registered 6 offender”

“As crooked as Pearl Street”

“If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em”

“Only angry people win football games”

“They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces”

Healther

Newsie (newspaper seller)

“Only angry people win football games”

“Cut up like boarding house pie” (many small pieces)

Newsie (newspaper seller)

“Phoney as a three-dollar bill” (“Queer as a three-dollar bill”)

Jewish Piano (a cash register)

“My boss told me to have a great day. So I went home”

“Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll” (grocery sign)

“Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him” (bumper sticker)

“Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working”

“Club sandwiches, not seals”

“Every calendar’s days are numbered”

“I’ll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass” (Republican-Democrat bipartisanship)

Teflon Don

“A potato walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Chork (chopstick + fork)

Enemedia (enemy + media)

“When does a hunger strike stop?”/“When hunger strikes.”

Dow Jones Propaganda Average (Dow Jones Industrial Average nickname)

Vagenda (vagina + agenda)

Snaccident (snack + accident)

“I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked”

Greenspan Put (Fed Put)

Keynesian Put

Yellen Call or Yellen Covered Call

Bernanke Put

“The Sahara desert walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one”

“A family checks into a hotel…” (joke)

“Food is like dark humor. Not everyone gets it”

Gintern (gin + intern); Ginternship

“I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes”

“Frankly, Scallop, i don’t give a clam”

“Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding”

“An Oxford comma walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Drinksicle (drink + popsicle)

Choco Taco or Taco Helado (ice cream taco)

“Why are they called ‘buildings’ when they’re already finished?” (joke)

“Mommy, can i lick the bowl?” (joke)

“Sarcasm is just one more service we offer”

“Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to dis a brie?”

“So often we rob tomorrow’s memories by today’s economies”

“The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in”