“The rotation of the earth really makes my day”

“I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying”

“What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?”/“The teachers tend to Babylon.”

“I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something”

“You know what they say about cliffhangers”

“What’s long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?”/“Rhubarb.”

“Toasters were the first pop-up notification”

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell”

“I donut understand food puns”

“What do you call a fat psychic?”/“A four-chin teller.”

“Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you. How could that happen?”

“People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar”

“eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches”

“I’m hungry.”/“Hi hungry. I’m Dad.”

“Why did the guy name his dog 5 Miles?”/“So every day he can say, ‘I just walked 5 Miles.’”

Meadery

“Why did the M&M go to school?”/“Because it wanted to be a Smartie.”

“So I’ve decided that my wifi will be my valentine. I don’t know, we just have this connection”

“I submitted 10 puns to a newspaper contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did”

“Is Google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish without coming up with other suggestions”

“How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?”/“She fits in your wife’s clothes.”

“What did the egg say when it got turned up?”/“Om lit.”

“Where do TVs go on vacation?”/“To remote islands.”

“Did I invite you to my barbecue? No! Then why are you all up in my grill?”

Come On Let’s Love Each Girl Equally (“college” backronym)

“For lunch today, I just put some ham and pineapple in a bap. Because that’s Hawaii roll”

“The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time”

“What did the TV say to the remote?”/“You turn me on.”

“Let’s have a toast for the breadwinners”

“Why didn’t people want to go to the German restaurant?”/“It was always too krauted.”

“What if it doesn’t want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?”

“What are the strongest days of the week?”/“Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.”

“When does a lawyer make coffee?”/“When he has sufficient grounds.”

“Accordion to research, most people will not notice musical instruments appearing within sentences”

“Yttrium barium copper oxide walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“When has a man a right to scold his wife about his coffee?”/“When he has sufficient grounds.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue-ish. If it weren’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish”

“Golf Rules for Beginners” (joke)

“Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order”

“I took her to a barn dance, but all I got was the same old stall”

“Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal”

“Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”/“Yes. February 14th.”

“Customer Service: How does your name appear on your credit card?” (joke)

“Why doesn’t the sun go to college?”/“Because it has a million degrees.”

“I look fat. Please say something nice.”/“You have perfect eyesight.”

“Why are waiters good at math?”/“They know all their tables.”

“If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily”

“40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera”

“What did one oar say to the other?”/“Are you up for a little row-mance?”

“Fat people who get offended by fat jokes should lighten up”

“What’s ‘excuse me’?” (New Yorker joke)

Federal Death Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

Fraud and Death Administration (Food and Drug Administration or FDA nickname)

“Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play”

“Coincidence is the word we use when we can’t see the levers and the pulleys”

“What rhymes with orange?”/“No, it doesn’t.”

“Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Every Good Burger Deserves Fries” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Good Burritos Don’t Fall Apart” (GBDFA music mnemonic)

“Empty Garbage Before Dad Flips” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Elvis’ Guitar Broke Down Friday” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Elephants Got Big Dirty Feet” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Good Boys Do Fine Always” (GBDFA music mnemonic)

“All Cows Eat Grass” (ACEG music mnemonic)

“Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally” (PEMDAS math mnemonic)

“Every Good Boy Does Fine” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Every Good Boy Deserve Favor/Favour” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Good Burritos Don’t Fall Apart” (GBDFA music mnemonic)

“Every Good Burger Deserves Fries” (EGBDF music mnemonic)

“Free straw with every drink purchase” (restaurant sign)

Defensive Voting

“Drinking rum before 10 am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic”

“It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”

Sanctuary Restaurant

“Intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it”

“I can’t afford vacation, so I am just going to drink until I don’t know where I am”

“The tassel’s worth the hassle”

“I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot”

“There are better things in the world than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates”

“What do you call a temporary teacher fart?”/“A substitoot.”

“What is the king of the classroom?”/“The ruler.”

“College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable”

“80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read”

“A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child’s eyes”

“When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?”

“A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in the students”

“The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor”

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” (Valentine’s Day joke)

“I know alcohol isn’t the answer, but it’s my best guess”

“Eat all the junk food you want, as long as you cook it yourself”

“There’s a reason why ‘sober’ and ‘so bored’ sound almost exactly the same”

“Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is ‘What is C2H5OH?’”

“I’m giving up alcohol for a month” (joke)

“Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married” (joke)

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day”

“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is”

“Why didn’t Cupid shoot at the lawyer’s heart?”/“Because Cupid can’t hit a target that small.”

“What did the chocolate sauce say to the ice cream?”/“I’m sweet on you!”