“What did the man ask the Jamaican chef?”/“What Jamaican?”

“What do you call someone who doesn’t eat meat or vegetables?”/“Dead.”

“Mashed potatoes beg the question: ‘what else could we massively improve by squashing it?’”

“Singing in the shower is fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s soap opera”

“Putting vodka in my juice, because it’s Russia somewhere”

“I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine’s Day by switching to single”

“String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it”

“When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?”

“White rice or brown rice?”/“Both. I’m not a riceist.”

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it”

“I like the part of the day when food happens”

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live”

“I drink coffee for your protection”

“Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet”

“You call them calories. I call them delicious points”

“Why was the math book sad?”/“Because it had so many problems.”

“What was Osama Bin Laden’s favorite drink?”/“A double Manhattan.”

“What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his exams?” (joke)

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less”

“I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop”

“Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout”

“I know you shouldn’t text and drive but I’ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay”

“Since our Russian gymnast was deported, we don’t have Oleg to stand on”

“Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens”

“What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?”/“Cauliflowers.”

“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?” (joke)

“If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison”

“The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly”

“Street smart is something dumb people say when they want to use the word “smart’”

“Street smart is something dumb people say when they want to use the word “smart’”

“Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go”

“The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and trying to get it unstuck without hands”

“They say you should test your fire alarm every month. That would cost a fortune in houses”

“I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair”

“Three things tell the truth: children, drunk people and yoga pants”

“Disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid”

“Why are pizza slices shaped that way? Do they expect our mouths to get wider after each bite?”

“My internet was down for 5 minutes, so I spoke to my family. They seem like nice people”

“The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.”

“Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green”

“I saw your shirt. Who’s NY?” -Overly Attached Girlfriend

“I saw a bumper sticker that said ‘I miss New York,’ so I broke the window and stole the radio”

“If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, remember nobody loves you on any other day”

“What did one pickle say to the other on Valentine’s Day?”/“You mean a great dill to me.”

“If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon”

“Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?”/“To get shredded.”

“Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?”/“To get shredded.”

“Cheese makers have many expenses in curd”

“Why did the vampire flunk art class?”/“He could only draw blood.”

“IKEA: Legos for adults”

“Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female”

“Sex ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight”

“Diet tip: Your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any”

“Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name”

“We accept weather predictions from a rodent, but deny climate change evidence by scientists”

“My wife’s cooking is incredible. With a silent ‘cr’”

“It’s IKEA’s birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk”

“The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade is gonna get a punch”

“How do trains drink?”/“They chug.”

“What’s blue and looks like a tomato?”/“A red tomato in disguise.”

“A drunk dyslexic wanks into a jar” (bar joke)

“How do trains drink?”/“They chug.”

“What’s yellow and square?”/“A tomato in disguise.”

“What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing a hotel room?”/“Not filling out the comment card.”

“What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing a hotel room?”/“Not filling out the comment card.”

“I ate at Mary Poppin’s Restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious!”

“A man spilled his Scrabble set on the road. I asked, ‘What’s the word on the street?’”

“I saw a pasta driving a piece of yellow fruit. Spaghetti in a car banana”

“Horse meat burgers won’t be around furlong”

“A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered. Archaeologists believe it’s Pharaoh Roche”

“A cop pulled me over and said, ‘Papers.’ So I said, ‘Scissors, I win!’ and drove off”

“Why do pirates make great lawyers?”/“Because they’re very skilled at arrrrrguing.”

“A big shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets”

“I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert”

“Whenever I go running, I meet new people…like paramedics”

“Running away doesn’t help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run”

“Reasons to get out of bed: food”

“Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza”

“Can you turn on the oven?”/“The oven simply does not find me sexually attractive.”

“Weight should be like virginity. Once you lose it, you can’t get it back”

“Tornado warning in central Texas! Everyone head to Cowboys Stadium. No chance of a touchdown there”

“You know those orange cones they put on the highway? I just beat my high score”

“I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time”

“Bae = bacon and eggs”

“There are so many scams on the Internet. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them”

“I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time”

“I want to live with the NY Jets. They don’t beat anybody”

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet”

“What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?”/“Little Caesars.”

“I’m in a band called Dyslexia. We’ve just released our greatest shit album”

“What’s the worst name for a history lesson?”/“A crash course on 9/11.”

“He who dies with the most toys, still dies”

“Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates”

“I can’t tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results”

“What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?”/“Little Caesars.”

“What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?”/“Her/she.”

“People laugh at my car because it’s ugly and green. But at least I avocado”

“No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine’s Day…”

“If you don’t have a valentine on Valentine’s Day, don’t be sad”

“What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day?”/“Hogs and kisses.”