“Coffee: starter fluid for the morning impaired”

“Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven…” (9/11 joke)

“What’s black and doesn’t work?”/“Decaf coffee, you racist.”

“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake”

“Wake up, drink coffee & punch today in the face”

“If you are not coffee, chocolate, or bacon, I’m going to need you to go away”

“Life happens. Coffee helps”

“Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee”

“May your coffee kick in before reality does”

“I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today”

“Whiskey is what beer wants to be when it grows up”

“Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere”

“Soup of the Day: Whiskey”

“This whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel”

“Good girls are made of sugar and spice. Country girls are made of whiskey on ice”

“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for”

“Tuesday is just Monday’s ugly sister”

“Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky—and a dog to eat the rare steak”

“Sorry, I can’t go to school tomorrow. I fractured my motivation”

“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape”

“Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?”

“Sorry, I can’t go to work tomorrow. I fractured my motivation”

“My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills”

“If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?” (riddle)

“I’ll slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you”

“Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?” (joke)

“Can’t wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer…”

“Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator”

“Sure Happy It’s Thursday” (“shit” backronym); “So Happy It’s Thursday, Friday Is Tomorrow”

“Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday”

“Thursday—the most useless day of the week”

“It’s Thursday, or as I like to call it: Day 4 of the hostage situation”

“New York leads all cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move”

“Better days are just around the corner. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday”

POETS Day (Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday)

“Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, It’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday”

“It’s Thursday, which is ‘Friday Eve’ in Optimisian”

“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday”

“This printer is now called Bob Marley because it’s always jammin’”

“Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms”

“Coffee tastes better on Fridays”

“It’s Saturday! The only decision you need to make is bottle or glass”

“May your burdens be light and your coffee be strong”

“Who needs a guy when there’s chai?”

“God created Gentiles so there’d be somebody to buy retail”