“I used to be a shoe salesman, but they gave me the boot”

“Old cooks never die, they just get deranged”

“Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed”

“We don’t serve black people.”/“That’s OK. I don’t eat them.”

British Accreditation Registry (“bar” backronym)

Big Apple Corner (1992-1997)

Big Apple Corner (1997 Law & Today)

Big Apple Corner (New York Morning Telegraph site)

“I went to a restaurant and the food was all done with special effects. It was CGI Fridays”

“All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus”

“All I need is mascara and caffeine”

“All I need is coffee & mascara”

“All things are possible with coffee and mascara”

“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

“Mommy and daddy’s little tax deduction” (a young child)

“Doing your taxes on April Fools’ Day seems like a legitimate way to defraud the government”

“May your coffee be hot and your eyeliner be even”

“On Sundays, my coffee is recreational. As opposed to weekdays, when it’s medicinal”

“Coffee gets me started. God keeps me going”

“Café au lait? I thought it was café olé! Like ‘coffee, alright!’”

“It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down”

“Celery is nature’s dental floss”

“It’s tea time somewhere”

“Where does a woman with one leg work?”/“IHOP.”

“Don’t stop until you’re proud”

“Whatever sprinkles your donut”

“Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day”

“Eat glitter for breakfast and shine all day”

Wyoming: Gaslight Village (nickname)

Lockport: Lock City (nickname)

Roscoe: Trout Town, USA (nickname)

Sherrill: Silver City (nickname)

Little Easy (Mobile, Alabama nickname)

“The House has affairs; the Senate has relations”

“I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee”

“Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with”

“I don’t know what I’d do without coffee. I’m guessing 25 to life”

“Caffeine: The other Vitamin C” (“Coffee: The other Vitamin C”)

“Given enough coffee, I could rule the world”

“I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism”

“With enough coffee, even a Monday looks good”

“COFFEE: Cup OF Finest Enjoyment Ever”

“All the coffee in Colombia won’t make me a morning person”

“Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister”

“Step aside, Monday. This is a job for coffee”

“Coffee: The most important meal of the day”

“Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid”

“There’s nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee”

“Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates”

“Coffee, because Monday happens every week”

“Saturdays are for adventure; Sundays are for cuddling”

“Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend”

“You haven’t had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it’s running”

“On the eighth day God created coffee so that people like me could experience the other seven days”

“As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something”

“As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something”

“A giant lightbulb walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible”

“I’d rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook”

“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them”

“Just a reminder that you still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the last minute”

“I’d rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook”

“You don’t pay taxes. They take taxes”

“What good fortune for governments that the people do not think”

“I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee”

“This beer tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow”

“This beer tastes like I’m not going to work tomorrow”

“Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee”

“Forever: Time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning”

“A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away”

“Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish”

“I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you”

“No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad”

“Romaine calm. Lettuce carrot on”

“I run better than the government”

“Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks”

“Do not reward yourself with food. You are not a dog”

“I only eat in three places: here, there and everywhere”

“I run better than the government”

“There is no ‘we’ in pizza”

“I’m in so much debt, I could start a government”

“I’m in so much debt, I could start a government”

“If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, stop talking to them”

“If you don’t like my Brooklyn attitude, quit talking to me”

“I’m from New York. We don’t keep calm”

“I fell in love. His name is New York”

“I don’t like the Yankees, but I’m a huge fan of being overpaid to underperform”

“Stop praying. God’s too busy to find you a parking spot”

“What did the cannibal eat at the Chinese restaurant?”/“Chow Man.”

“Rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples”

“Of all the utensils invented to eat rice with, how did two sticks win?”

“Run? I thought they said rum”

“Run? I thought they said rum”

“You cannot claim alcohol as a dependent on your taxes”

“Count that day won when, turning on its axis, this earth imposes no additional taxes”

“Taxes grow without rain”

“But first, coffee”

“I just realized I am not a morning person. I’m a coffee person”

“Why was the little girl sad after the race?”/“Because an egg beater.”

“How do you prevent a summer cold?”/“Catch it in the winter.”