“Dance like no one is watching. Because they are not. They’re checking their phones”

“Dance like no one is watching. Because they are not. They’re checking their phones”

“‘Be strong,’ I whispered to my wifi signal”

“If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you”

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life”

“Whenever I want a Klondike bar, I just pay for it”

Cannonball Park (John Paul Jones Park nickname)

“Don’t waste a moment of your life trying to be normal”

“A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’”

“There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees”

“I’m retired. Every day is Saturday”

“My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, ‘eat a salad’”

“Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?”/“To minimize casual tees.”

“Dear Diamond, We all know who is really a girl’s best friend. Yours sincerely, Chocolate Cake”

“Cell phones keep getting thinner and smarter…people the opposite”

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes”

“You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank” (joke)

“Give me all your money or you’re geography!” (bank robbery joke)

“A tragedy is a ship full of bankers sinking. A catastrophe is when they can all swim”

“I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!”

“I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee”

“When is the best time to buy a boat?”/“When it’s on sail.”

“A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand”

“What do you say when your pea rolls away?”/“It’s an escape-pea!”

“I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?”

“I’m no good at hunting mushrooms, but I can provide morel support”

“How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?” (joke)

“Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn’t exist. It would be IX/XI instead”

“A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness”

“Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie”

American Pravda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

“Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as ‘you should know this’”

“What is the color of the wind?”/“Blew.”

American Pravda (CNN nickname)

“What’s the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?” (riddle)

“A tennis ball walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?” (joke)

Money Taking Agency (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

“If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…does money even matter?”

“Keep your cymbal jokes to yourself. We’ve heard them all a Zildjian times”

Better Quickly Exit (Brooklyn-Queens Expressway or BQE nickname)

“All bags of M&Ms are family size when you’re an orphan”

“There are 10 genders. Because gender is binary”

“The hardest animal to kill is a school mascot”

“Why did the tamale go to the hospital?”/“Tamalito.”

“The shortest distance between two points is always under construction”

“You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on”

“If I had a dollar for every gender, I’d have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits”

“A person with a liberal arts degree walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“You know you’re drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN”

“A person with an art degree walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“There’s no training for garbage men. They pick it up as they go along”

“How do Mexican keep warm?”/“They use chicken for heaters.”

“I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life”

“Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% battery remaining”

“What’s half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?”/“A melon collie.”

“I’m so bad at chess the only way I’ll get to say ‘checkmate’ is at an Australian restaurant”

“Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?”/“It’s their Yelp rating.”

“I’m so bad at chess the only way I’ll get to say ‘checkmate’ is at an Australian restaurant”

“Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don’t know how to play chess”

“Can I pour you a beer?”/“It’s a little early, isn’t it?...For stupid questions.”

“How do you make a slow worker fast?”/“Don’t give him anything to eat for a while.”

“That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long”

“Two reasons why I don’t give money to homeless people…” (joke)