There is no such thing as a “football bat.” There is a “baseball bat.” The expression “queer as a football bat” (or “as messed up/screwed up/fucked up as a football bat”) means that something isn’t right at all. “Football bat” dates to at least 1982 and has been used in the military. “You’re about as useful as a left-handed football bat” is cited from 1990.
   
Political commentator James Carville accused conservative commentator Glenn Beck of rooting against the United States when Chicago lost its bid for the 2016 Olympics in October 2009: “He (Glenn Beck—ed.) wouldn’t know the difference between a football bat and a hockey court.” The terms “hockey court” and “hockey cleats” are infrequent additions to “football bat.”
 
 
Wiktionary: Glossary of military slang
football bat
(US) Used to describe a person or system that is unusually odd. (ie. “You are as Fucked up as a Football Bat”. Sometimes rendered as “Left Handed Football Bat”, or “Soup Sandwich”.
 
Urban Dictionary
football bat
Army slang, meaning “severely fucked up”. Used in the context of comparison. See also: hockey cleats
“Ho-ley shit, Private Snuffy! You lost your rifle??? You are fucked up like a football bat, son!”
by Bullzeye Dec 26, 2003
   
Football bat 
When something is totally supery-dupery gay, you can say that it’s “as queer as a football bat.” Because you don’t use a bat in football. See also, tennis helmet.
I’m thinking of switching to FaceBook ‘cuz MicePace is getting gayer than a football bat.
by panicBoy Dec 7, 2007
 
Urban Dictionary
left-handed football bat
Someone or something rather odd or f’d up you might say. A person who ate a few too many retard sandwiches.
My drill instructor was sure a left-handed football bat.
by Jebus Jan 27, 2005
 
Urban Dictionary
hockey cleats
much like football bat, describes something so incredibly screwed up that a new term must be created to describe it.
“that chick is hockey cleats”
by jp22382 Aug 13, 2005
   
Google Books
Bone of My Bones
By Sylvia Wilkinson
New York, NY: Putnam
1982
Pg. 189:
“That guy is queer as a football bat,” he had said, “but he sure can play a piano.”
   
Google Books
Groundrush
By Greg Barron
New York, NY: Random House
1982
Pg. 135:
“Lombago, you’re fuckin useless. You’re queer as a football bat, Lumbago.”
   
Google Books
Iced Tea and Ignorance
By Howard Lewis Russell
New York, NY: D.I. Fine
1989
Pg. 176:
“Queer as a football bat,” clucks one of the nigra dishwashers, watching us come out of the freezer.
     
SPACE Digest   
Date: 16 May 90 17:10:47 GMT
From: ogicse!unicorn!n8741572@ucsd.edu (Matthew Skinner)
Subject: Pure Oxygen
 
“Mr. Trepanier, you’re about as useful as a left-handed football bat!” - anon.
   
Google Books
Wildwood Flowers
By Julia Watts
Tallahassee, FL: Naiad Press
1996
Pg. 188:
Besides, I love my job, and I hear that the dean of that new community college opening up in Taylorsville is just as queer as a football bat.
   
Google Books
The Harvest
By Scott Nicholson
New York, NY: Kensington Pub. Corp.
2003
Pg. 272:
“But something’s as fucked up as a football bat, and it ain’t just me.”
   
Ray Budenich’s MySpace Blog
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Fucked up like a football bat on a hockey court
   
Google Books
The Practice of Social Research
By Earl R. Babbie
Wadsworth Pub Co
2009
Pg. 468:
• A few clowns short of a circus
• Dumber than a box of hair
• A few feather short of a duck
• All foam, no beer
• Missing a few buttons on their remote control
• A few beans short of a burrito
• As screwed up as a football bat
• About as sharp as a bowling ball
• About four cents short of a nickel
• Not running on full thrusters
       
Hot Air
Video: Carville on Beck, Olympics, and, er … hockey courts?
posted at 1:36 pm on October 5, 2009 by Ed Morrissey
Share on Facebook | printer-friendly This clip contains plenty of material for three blog posts, but I’ll roll it up into one. Pay attention to the entire clip all the way to the end, but be sure to watch for James Carville making a fool of himself by declaring Glen Beck incompetent on sports — while talking about hockey “courts”. Hey, I’m no big fan of hockey, but I can tell a rink from a tennis court:
 
I think he’s nuts… Just out and out nuts. And I also think that he’s a blatant hypocrite. Here’s somebody that sits on his show and weeping about how much he loves America… and then, he’s absolutely giddy when his country doesn’t get the Olympics.
 
He wouldn’t know the difference between a football bat and a hockey court.