“If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don’t buy it,” said the character Tommy Earl Bruner in Dan Jenkins’ novel, Baja Oklahoma (1981). The saying means that owning an airplane or a boat can be expensive and it’s cheaper to rent—and the same can be said for women.
 
The saying (with “fornicates” often replacing “fucks”) has been widely quoted, but as an “old saying” and usually without credit to Dan Jenkins.
 
     
CafePress
If it flies, floats, or fucks, it’s cheaper to rent
 
Google Books
Baja Oklahoma
By Dan Jenkins
New York, NY: Pocket
1982, ©1981
Pg. 161:
A speaker named Tommy Earl Bruner once stated: “If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don’t buy it.”
   
Google Books
Make My Day!:
Hayduke’s best revenge techniques for the punks in your life
By George Hayduke
Secaucus, NJ: L. Stuart
1988
Pg. 180:
In dealing with sweeties, remember this basic rule, which I think I heard when Jeane Kirkpatrick was campaigning to be president of the US: “If it flies, floats, fornicates, or feeds,” she said, “it’s probably cheaper to rent than own.”
   
Google Books
High Crimes
By John Westermann
New York, NY: Pocket Books
1989, ©1988
Pg. 142:
“If it flies, floats, or fucks, son, it’s cheaper to lease,”
 
Google Books
Talent
By Howard Kaminsky and Susan Kaminsky
New York, NY: Bantam Books
1990, ©1989
Pg. 16:
“You know that old saying, don’t you? If it floats, flies, or fucks, rent it. Well, add lawyers to that.”
 
Google Books
The Heat Islands
By Randy Wayne White
New York, NY: St. Martin’s Paperbacks
1993
Pg. 120:
“Look, Ms. Bittinger, I’ve got a lot of important men to please. We need boats, we need guides, we need entertainment — we’re short everything down here! So if it floats, flies, or fucks — lease it!”
     
Google Books
Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
By P. J. O’Rourke
New York, NY: Atlantic Monthly Press1995
Pg. 206:
Perhaps your own dad, when you were of a suitable age, took you into his den, loaded up his pipe, looked over the top of his reading glasses, and said, “If it flies, floats, or fucks — rent it. ”
 
Petting-Zoo.net
From: glen mccready
To: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Cc: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Date: Thu, 01 Feb 1996 18:52:28 -0500

Forwarded-by: Andrew Boyd
Notable Aviation Quotes
———————————-
If it flies, floats or fornicates, it’s probably cheaper to rent.
     
The Independent (London)
Victorious Albert (Finney—ed.)
At 60, strikingly back on stage in ‘Art’ and soon to be seen on TV in ‘Nostromo’, the man who might have been today’s Olivier prefers to suit himself
Terry Coleman
Sunday, 26 January 1997
(...)
“As this wonderful Jewish fellow once told me in New York, ‘If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it.’ He was right. He was against buying planes, boats and all those silly things people do with their money.”
 
Google Groups: rec.skydiving
Newsgroups: rec.skydiving
From: Roy
Date: 1999/04/06
Subject: Re: Wanna Jag???
 
If it flies floats or f#%$#s, rent it!
   
Google Groups: rec.aviation.student
Newsgroups: rec.aviation.student
From: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) (Jim Weir)
Date: 1999/06/16
Subject: Re: Mile High

There is a very old saying amongst men, pilots, and sailors, and I’ll sanitize it a bit.
 
If it flies
Floats
or f**ks
it is far cheaper to rent it.
 
Google Books
Coming to Terms with Wall Street:
An Insider’s Guide to Investment Terminology
By Gary B. Helms
San Jose, CA: Writer’s Showcase presented by Writer’s Digest
2000
Pg. 120:
RULE FOR ACQUIRING TOYS
“If it floats, flies or fellates, lease it.”
   
Google Groups: rec.motorcycles.harley
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles.harley
From: “Jesse Bolt”

Date: 2000/08/04
Subject: Re: OT- Mother Lode of Bumper/Helmet stickers
 
If It Flies Floats or Fucks It’s Cheaper To RENT IT
   
Cynical Bitch Muppet
∞ Jan 5th, 2011 at 12:28 pm via funnyordie
funnyordie:
 
James Van Der Beek: Asshole for Hire
FOD’s VanDerWeek continues, as James Van Der Beek makes amends for being such a nice guy on Dawson’s Creek by becoming your personal “Asshole For Hire.”
 
“if it floats, flies, or fucks, RENT IT!!!” how he says it is so fucking hilarious!
 
Wall Street Journal
April 21, 2011, 10:06 AM ET
Why the Rich Are Never Happy
By Robert Frank
Felix Dennis, the shaggy British publishing tycoon, poet and author, always seems to have wise words about getting and being rich.
 
In his first book, “How to Get Rich,” Dennis posited that anyone with $2 million to $4 million in assets is merely “comfortably poor.” For him, it takes $150 million to be truly rich.
(...)
Of spending, he wrote: “If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it.”