The Continuing Saga of the Courtship
Andrew MacTavish and Mary Margaret MacDuff
A brief summary missing, a Scottish burr and tonal inflections.
[To be read in the locker room after consuming a pint of Scotch or a
six-pack of beer.]
Andy resolved to knit a scarf for his beloved Margaret Mary as a birthday present. As usual in his enthusiasm he kept on knitting and knitting until the scarf extended some nine yards of extremely florid colors and ugly pattern. However, it was a measure of his love for Margaret Mary.
On Saturday night, Andy went out drinking with the boys, wearing his kilt and having Margaret Mary's gift wrapped around his neck. Naturally his shipmates in the course of the evening made great fun of the ugly accoutrement.
Well after midnight and well into his cups, Andy was having second
thoughts about the present he had lavished so much attention upon. He decided that the only way to resolve his doubts was to show the scarf to Margaret Mary, without indicating that it was her present, and get a sense of her approval and delight.
So, drunk as a skunk, Andy took off over hill and dale, through the heath and heather and stumbling across stone walls and bushy obstacles. In his enthusiasm and rising ardour at the thought of seeing Margaret Mary and that in her night clothes, he didn't realize that he had not only lost the scarf but also his kilt.
Sexually stimulated, buck-naked from the waist down (answering the question as to what a Scotsman wears under his kilts), and with a massive erection, Andy starts throwing stones at Margaret Mary's second story bedroom window. After displacing about a yard of gravel, Margaret Mary sleepily opens the window and gazes with amazement at her betrothed in all his glory.
Andy, still well out of it, shouts: "Margaret Mary, I have made this,
wrapped around my neck, just for you? I am going to give it to you on your birthday. How do you like it?"
Margaret Mary, forever the shy maiden, looks with amazement at her beloved and becomes fixated on his lower extremity; being the first time she has ever seen such a thing. She is at a loss for words.
Andy again shouts: "Well girl, how do you like it?"
Nonplused, staring at his impressively engorged member she stuttered out:
"Just fine, Andy dear, just fine. It is magnificent."
Andy, still seeking more praise for the results of his knitting industry expended on the missing scarf and conscious of the ridicule of his friends asked: "The whole nine yards?"
(May 13, 2005 ADS-L message from Ben Zimmer)
ANGUS AND THE KILT
Well, Angus was a happy lad, for soon he would be wed.
He'd found a brisk and bonnie lass to take him to his bed.
And happier still his mother was that he had found a wife,
For, truth be told, she'd often feared she'd be stuck with him for life.
Cho: It's a fine thing, a bonnie thing, the grandest ever seen.
(Repeat last line of verse)
In honor of the grand affair that wedding day would be,
She set about to weave a kilt, the finest ever seen.
The night before the wedding, when the kilt was finally done,
She called young Angus over and she tried it on her son.
She wound the kilt about him and she wound, and wound, and wound,
And when she finished winding, it was still eight yards too long.
"Never fear, my bonnie boy. We'll simply cut it off,
And to your blushin' bride we'll give the extra length of cloth."
Now Angus was so pleased, y'know, his heart had swelled with pride.
He felt that he must rush right out and show it to his bride.
'Twas raining, so he grabbed a cloak to shield him on the moor,
But in his haste to be away his kilt slammed in the door.
Well, Angus was in such a rush to show off for his bride,
He never really noticed that he had left his kilt behind.
He knocked upon her door and cried, "Oh, let me in, I pray!
I've something that you've got to see before our wedding day."
Now, Bridget let him in, y'know, but said, "Ye cannot stay.
For I've got to have my beauty sleep before our wedding day."
"I'll only be a moment, love, but it's so grand, my dear,
Ye've really got to see what I'm a-hiding under here."
Now, when the cloak was thrown aside and Angus stood quite bare,
We must admit she was impressed and tried hard not to stare.
"Oh, love, I'll ne'er see finer, though far and far I roam!"
"Well, lass," he cried, "that's nothing! I've got eight more yards at home!"
Sung by Wench Works and by Saucy Jade. This song has a tune of its own, but it fits "THE SCOTSMAN'S KILT" as well.
Origin of "The Whole Nine Yards" • (0) Comments • Saturday, May 14, 2005 • Permalink