American stand-up comedian Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005) said in his act in 1999, as recorded by Comedy Central:
 
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami,... Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.’”
 
Hedberg’s turkey joke is frequently recalled on Thanksgiving.
 
 
Wikipedia: Mitch Hedberg
Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
 
Hedberg’s comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them.
     
Comedy Central Presents
MITCH HEDBERG - BLOCKING THE FIRE EXIT, TURKEYS & BLACK LIGHT
CC PRESENTS: MITCH HEDBERG SEASON 1, EP 6 01/05/1999
Mitch Hedberg explains why he could never block a fire exit, shares his hatred of turkey and reveals why he doesn’t like being under black light. (2:17)
 
Google Groups: alt.fringeware
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Jackie
5/13/05
(...)
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami,... Some one needs to tell the turkey, “Man, just be yourself.”
 
Google Books
Simply Southern Ease:
More Humor, Insights and Fun from a Good Old Southern Gal
By Cappy Hall Rearick
Lincoln, NE: iUniverse, Inc.
2006
Pg. ?:
“I hate turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself.”— Mitch Hedberg
 
15 November 2006, San Antonio (TX) Express-News, “Front Burner,” pg. 1F:
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
 
Google Books
The Guide for Guys:
An Extremely Useful Manual for Old Boys and Young Men
By Michael Powell
New York, NY: Sterling Publishing Company, Inc.
2008
Pg. 82:
“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” — Mitch Hedberg, stand-up comedian
 
Twitter
Eric M
‏@tygr20
@bateatsbat “There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami,some one needs to tell the turkey- man, just be yourself” - Mitch Hedberg
3:24 PM - 20 May 2009
 
Twitter
Gina Valley
‏@GinaValley
There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey ‘man, just be yourself’ —Mitch Hedberg #USThanksgiving
7:10 AM - 24 Nov 2016