A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeye's fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

Recent entries:
“I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?” (10/30)
“I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What do you think?” (10/30)
“Why isn’t there any music in skeleton church?"/"No organs.” (10/30)
Entry in progress—BP (10/30)
Entry in progress—BP (10/30)
More new entries...

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ABC ("Anyone But the Cowboys")

ABC Rule (Anything But Cabernet; Anything But Chardonnay)

Abilene Distorter-News (Abilene Reporter-News nickname)

Abilenian (inhabitant of Abilene)

"Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter"

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"

"Abortion is not healthcare because killing isn't healing"

"Abortion: It really brings out your inner child"

"Abortion really brings out the kid in you"

"About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas; it leaves most of us in the red"

About the Site Editor

"About the time we think we can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends"

"About to put on a suit and tie for the party. Yes, I'm dressing up for Halloween"

Abovetexas (Oklahoma nickname)

Above-way (proposed monorail to complement subway)

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absinthe makes the fart grow stronger"

"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder"

Absolutely Awful or Always Awful (American Airlines nickname)

"Absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh"

Absolutely Pathetic (Associated Press or AP nickname)

"Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation"

"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers"


"Abundance -- Big party held in a bakery"

ACAB (All Communists Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Coppers Are Bastards)

ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards)

"Academia is like a pie-eating contest where the reward is more pie"

"'Acceptable level of unemployment' means the government economist has a job" (Nowlan's Truism)

"Accept people as they are. Believe in what they can become"

Access To Money ("ATM" backronym)

"Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7"

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties"

"According to my nipples, spring isn't here yet"

"According to my nipples, summer's over"

"According to my nipples, summer is over"

"According to my nipples, there's a 99% chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"According to my nipples, there's a ninety-nine percent chance it's cold as fuck outside"

"Accordion to research, most people will not notice musical instruments appearing within sentences"

"Accounting is the language of business"

Acela Primary or Amtrak Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

"Achieved a new personal best in the 100 yard dash today -- 43 yards"

"Acknowledge the corn" (to confess or acknowledge a charge)

"Alcoholics don't run in my family. They stumble around breaking stuff"

Acquikill (acquire + kill)

"Acres and acres, and she's all mine!" (Texas size joke)

Acropolis of America (Morningside Heights)

"Acting is reacting" (acting adage)

"Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often"

"Actor can read the telephone book" (actor's saying)

"Actor: What's my motivation? / Director: Your salary"

"Act your wage"

"Acupuncture is a jab well done"

"Acute alcoholic: an attractive drunk"

Adam and Eve on a raft (poached eggs on toast)

"Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions"

"Adam and Eve weren't Chinese. They would have sold the apple and eaten the snake"

"Adblock should buy out Times Square and replace signs with 'This ad blocked by Adblock'"

Adding "public advocate" to the OED

"Adding 'showed up to work during the apocalypse' to my résumé"

Addisonian (inhabitant of Addison)

Adirondack Bear Paw or Adirondack Black Bear (ice cream)

Administration's Press (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Admiral's Row or Officer's Row (Brooklyn Navy Yard buildings)

Adobo Sauce


"Adulthood has showed me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood has shown me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol"

"Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street & then getting hit by an airplane"

"Adulting is soup and I am a fork"

"Adults are just kids who owe money"

"Adults are just kids with money"

"Adult with autism on board" (vehicle sign)

"Adventures in Heroism" (Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum)

Adventures NYC

"Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records"

"Adversity doesn't build character -- it reveals it"

"Adversity introduces a man to himself"

"Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing"

"Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on"

"Advertising is what you pay for; publicity is what you pray for"

Adzillatron (Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium scoreboard nickname)

Seagan (sea + vegan)

"Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises..."

Aeroflop (Aeroflot nickname)

Aerosplat (Aeroflot nickname)

African American Day Parade

African Diaspora Film Festival & African Diaspora Summer Film Series

Africa's Big Apple (Lagos nickname)

Afterburners (Jalapeño Shrimp Poppers)

"After 8 beers I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road..." (joke)

"After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face..."

"After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them"

"After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it"

"After drinking whiskey, driving is risky"

"After drinking whisky, driving is risky"

"After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat..."

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I've successfully installed Java"

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF"

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging"

"After six months of listening to people talk with masks on..."

"After spending any amount of time on social media you can understand..."

"After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails"

"After whiskey, driving risky"

"After whisky, driving risky"

"After winning, I threw the ball into the crowd. Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling"

"After work, I volunteer to help blind children" (joke)

Agent Orange Corn (GE corn)

"Age and glasses of wine should never be counted"

"Age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese"

Agflation (agriculture + inflation)

Aggie Jokes

Aggie Punch

Aggie (Texas A&M nickname)

Agg Town or Aggtown (Arlington nickname)

Agita (Agida; Acida)

"Agree with me on 9 of 12 issues, vote for me. Agree on 12 of 12, see a psychiatrist" (Ed Koch)

"Agriculture majors who become farmers always find a job in their field"

AG (Attorney General or Aspiring Governor)

"What's the difference between a man and a margarita?"/"A margarita hits the spot every time."

"Ahmed walks into Abbar..." (bar joke)

"Ah, nothing like the smell of freshly brewed magical psychotic rage stabilizer in the morning"


"Aim so high that others will think you're crazy"

AINO (American In Name Only)

Ain't I Greedy or Aren't I Greedy (American International Group or AIG nickname)

Ain't Really Men Yet ("army" backronym)

"Aioli is just bougie mayonnaise"

Airforce Rejected Me Yesterday ("army" backronym)

Airline Food (Airplane Food)

"Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you"

Airpocalypse (air + apocalypse)

Airport Test (employee selection test)

Airport Test (Pittsburgh Airport Test)

Air Chance (Air France nickname)

Air Conditioning in a Glass (Rickey cocktail nickname)

Aisle Hog

Akaushi Beef (Akaushi Cattle)

Alabama: Lizard (nickname)

Alabama: Yellowhammer State (nickname)

Alambres (Mexican Shish Kebab)

Alamo (black cube at Astor Place)

Alamo Bowl

Alamo Burger

Alamo City (San Antonio nickname)

"Alamo has no back door" (Maury Maverick, Jr.)

"Alarm clocks, because every morning should begin with a heart attack"

Alaska: The Last Frontier (nickname)

Albany: Albany Beef

Albany: Politicana (nickname)

Albany: Steamed Hams (hamburgers)

Albany: Sturgeondom (nickname)

Albany: "What is the Easter bunny's favorite state capital?"/"Albunny, New York."

Albatross (golf score)

"Alcoholic? No, my dear, I prefer the term 'drinking enthusiast'"

"Alcoholism is a disease. Get your shots here!" (bar sign)

"Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it"

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix -- never drink and derive"

"Alcohol - Because no good story starts with someone eating a salad"

"Alcohol...Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative"

"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk"

"Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the tension, the bra, the panties and a host of other problems"

"Alcohol increases the size of the 'send' button by 90%"

"Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains"

"Alcohol is bad for my legs."/ "Do they swell?"/ "No, they spread."

"Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality"

"Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is 'What is C2H5OH?'"

"Alcohol is not the answer; it just makes you forget the question"

"Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop"

"Alcohol is yeast urine"

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy"

"Alcohol may be the road to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route"

"Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms should be a convenience store, not a government agency"

"Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in Whiskypedia"

"Alcohol you later"

"Alderman, your saloon is on fire!"

Alexander/Gin Alexander/Brandy Alexander/Coffee Alexander (cocktail)

"Alexa, check my bank balance and tell me which Apple product can I buy?"/"Apple juice."

"Alexa, homeschool my kids"

"Alexa, homeschool the children"

Algebro (algebra + bro)

Algonquin Cocktail

Algonquin Hotel ("Gonk" & the "Round Table")

Alibi Ike

ALICE (Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed)

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse"

"Allagaroo!" (CCNY cheer)

Allergy Capital of the World (Austin nickname)

Alligator Capital of Texas (Anahuac nickname)

Alligator in the sewers (urban myth)

Alligator Spread

"All bags of M&Ms are family size when you're an orphan"

"All barbecue experts are self-proclaimed"

"All bets are off in bankruptcy"

"All broth and no beans"

All Bullshit Channel (ABC nickname)

All But Dissertation (ABD)

"All Cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is Cognac"

"All Communists Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Coppers Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All Cops Are Bastards" (ACAB)

"All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat"

"All Cows Eat Grass" (ACEG music menmonic)

"All currencies eventually go to zero"

All Day I Dream About Sports (Adidas backronym)

All Dressed Bagel

All Dressed Hot Dog

All Dressed Pizza

"All gaps eventually get filled"

"All gave some, some gave all"

"All gurgle and no guts"

"All hotel rooms look the same with the lights off"

"All ice dispensers have only two settings: 1.No ice; 2.Holy Mother of God, that's too much ice!!!"

All Investments Gone (American International Group or AIG nickname)

"All I ask is if we arm the teachers, the librarians get silencers"

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I could get on screen were pics of plates of stew. Turned out to be a wireless hotpot"

"All I need is coffee & mascara"

"All I need is mascara and caffeine"

"All I need today is a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus”

"All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt"

"All I want for Christmas is a self-cleaning house"

"All I want is food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and more pay for not getting it done"

"All I want is my kids to go to sleep so I can watch shows with bad words and eat hidden snacks"

"All I want is peace, love, understanding, and a chocolate bar bigger than my head"

"All I want is someone to love me like I love coffee"

"All lawyers are jerks" (lawyer joke)

"All men are created equal, and then a few become firefighters"

"All money is both 'hard' and 'easy' -- hard to get and easy to spend"

"All mothers were summoned when George Floyd called out for his momma"

"All mushrooms are edible, but some mushrooms are only edible once"

"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard a horse sing a song"

"All my life I thought air was free...until I bought a bag of chips"

"All my passwords are protected by amnesia"

"All NYC subway stations are in the same building, there's just really long hallways"

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather -- it pays no attention to criticism"

"All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing"

"All our customers bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our guests bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our visitors bring happiness. Some by coming, others by going"

"All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders" (restaurant sign)

"All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can eat the hidden snacks"

"All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats"

"All politics is local"

"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors"

"All pro athletes are bilingual; they speak English and profanity"

"All publicity is good publicity" ("There is no such thing as bad publicity")

"All roads that lead to success have to pass through Hard Work Boulevard at some point"

"All show and no go"

"All suspect milk is innocent until proven guilty in a quart of law"

"All that and a bag of chips" (intensifier of "all that")

"All that and a plate of fries" ("All that and a plate of chips")

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"

"All the coffee in Colombia won't make me a morning person"

"All the gold in Fort Knox" (a large sum of money or riches)

"All the News That's Fit to Eat" (The Food Section)

"All the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair"

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening"

"All things are possible with coffee and mascara"

"All things are possible with coffee and a cute outfit"

"All things are possible with tequila and lipstick"

"All things come to those who wait, but when they come they're out of date"

"All this anxiety better be burning calories"

"All those crosses along highways. Christians are terrible drivers"

"All work and no play will make you a manager"

"All You Can Eat"

"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife"

"All you need in life are a few good friends and a few good drinks"

"All you need is a chip and a chair" (poker adage)

"All you need is love and a good cup of coffee"

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need is tea and warm socks" (winter saying)

"All you need to run is a pair of shoes" (running adage)

Almighty Dollar

"Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars"

Almond Boneless Chicken (ABC)

Almost Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

Alphabet City (East Village, Manhattan)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet City (Google/Alphabet Inc. in Chelsea)

Alphabet Mafia

Alphabet Mafia (media companies)

Alphabet Network (ABC nickname)

Alphabet Soup

Alphabet Soup (agency names)

"Alphabet soup? More like Times New Ramen, am I right?"

Already Been Canceled (ABC nickname)

Already Been Cancelled (ABC nickname)

Alternate side of the street parking

"Alternative medicine that works is called medicine"

Alt Left

"Always ask for a receipt because you never know when you'll need an alibi"

"Always a Pleasure" (Nedick's)

"Always Be Clicking" ("ABC" of the Internet)

"Always Be Closing" ("ABC" of selling)

"Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it"

"Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman"

"Always borrow money from a pessimist -- he doesn't expect to be paid back"

Always Broadcasting Crap (ABC nickname)

"Always carry whiskey in case of snakebite -- furthermore, always carry a small snake"

"Always check, it may be mate" (chess adage)

"Always dress like it’s the best day of your life"

Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival (Alitalia backronymic nickname)

"Always look on the bright cider life"

"Always Open" (nyc.gov)

"Always Real, Always Harlem" (Coca-Cola slogan)

Always Seek Knowledge ("ask" backronym)

Always Think Forfeiture (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives or ATF nickname)

"Always together, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"Always writing my name in cursive is my signature move"

Al-CIAda (Al-Qaeda + CIA)

Al Dante (al dente + Dante Alighieri)

Al Pastor (Cabrito Al Pastor; Carne Al Pastor; Tacos Al Pastor)

Al-Reuters or Al Reutzeera (Reuters nickname)

Amabot (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Amarilloan (inhabitant of Amarillo)

"Amateurs manage money by taking risk; professionals manage risk by taking money"

"Amateurs open the market, but professionals close it" (Wall Street adage)

"Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics"

"Amateurs teach amateurs to be amateurs"

Amazin' Mets (Amazins)

"Amazon fire, Apple air, Google earth -- now it's time for Microsoft water"

"Amazon is basically Acme from the Roadrunner cartoons"

Amazon Washington Post (Washington Post nickname)

Amber Alert

"Ambition is putting a ladder against the sky"

"Ambition is the first step to success. The second step is action"

"Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in"


Ambulance Chaser

Ambulance Chasing

Amcrap (Amtrak nickname)

Amcrash (Amtrak nickname)

Amen Corner

Americagasm or Amerigasm (America + orgasm)

"Americans have more food to eat than any other people and more diets to keep them from eating it"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns"

"Americans prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars"

"Americans talk dry, but drink sweet" (wine adage)

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic"

"American cheese is just regular cheese that's not afraid to fight for freedom!"

American Chop Suey

American Communist Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Communist Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Crafts Festival; Autumn Crafts Festival

American Criminal Liberties Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Criminal Lovers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

American Dream

American Exceptionalism


American-Jewish Plymouth Rock (Lower East Side)

American Parasite (Candida nickname)

"American politics are played between the 40-yard lines"

American Pravda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

American Pravda (CNN nickname)

American Riviera

American Spring

"America's chickens are coming home to roost"

America's Cup (Damon Runyon's "watching grass grow")

America's First Suburb (Brooklyn Heights)

"America's Labor Bank" (Amalgamated Bank)

America's Mad Playground (Coney Island)

America's Mayor

America's Most Interesting City (New Orleans nickname)

"America's Motor Lunch" & "A Tasty Meal Served at Your Wheel" (Pig Stand slogans)

America's National Credit Card

America's Sweethearts (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders nickname)

America's Team (Dallas Cowboys)

"America isn't the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest"

"America is a healthy body; its resistance is its patriotism, morality and spiritual life"

"America is great because she is good"

"America is the first nation in history founded on an idea"

"America is where a young man can start at the bottom and work his way into a hole"

"America sure is having some bad luck. It's like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground"

"America: The country so great that even its haters refuse to leave"

"America: The land where God saves and Satan invests" (anti-NRA slogan)

"America will never be destroyed from the outside"

"America will never forgive blacks for slavery"

"America without her soldiers would be like God without His angels"

Amerikkka or AmeriKKKa (America + Ku Klux Klan)

Ameritopia (America + utopia)

Ameritude (America + attitude)

Amero (proposed North American currency)

Amhole (Amazon.com employee nickname)

Ammosexual (ammo + sexual)

Amquack (Amtrak nickname)

Amsterdam: Carpet City (nickname)

Amtrak Series or New Jersey Turnpike Series or I-95 Series or Liberty Series (Philadelphia vs. NY)

Amtrash (Amtrak nickname)

"Am I getting older or has the supermarket begun playing great music"

"Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music"

"Am I going to put the Christmas tree up myself? No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

Anadama Bread

"Anarchists of the world, unite!"

"Anarcho-Tyranny -- the worst of both worlds"

"Anarchy is better than no government at all"

Anchorman or Anchor Man (America's Anchorman)

Anchor Democrat (anchor baby + Democrat)

"... And all I got was this lousy T-shirt"

"And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out"

"And it's gone" (money quickly lost)

"And nobody got hurt!"

"And on the 8th day God made coffee" ("And on the eighth day God made coffee")

"And on the eighth day God made coffee" ("And on the 8th day God made coffee")

"And the horse you rode in on"

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life!'" (joke)

Angel Bond

Angel Food Cake (Angel Cake)

"Anger management classes are all the rage"

"Anger management courses are now all the rage"

Angry Lobster; Drunken Donuts

"Animals are here with us, not for us"

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not in our stomachs"

"Animals belong in our hearts, not our stomachs"

"Animals belong in your heart, not your stomach"

"Animal lovers don't eat animals"

"Animal rights are human rights"

"Annoy a conservative -- think for yourself"

"Annoy a liberal -- work hard & be happy"

"Annoy a politician today -- THINK"

"Another day, another dollar"

"Another day has passed and I didn't use Algebra once"

"Another egg-scuse for chocolate"

"Another fine day ruined by responsibility"


Antiques Row or Antiques District (Atlantic Avenue)

Antique Media

Anti-Christian Lawsuit Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Lawyers Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Liberals Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Union (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Christian Litigation Unit (American Civil Liberties Union nickname)

Anti-Dollar (gold nickname)

Anti-Infective Vitamin (Vitamin A nickname)


Anti-Social Distancing

Anti-Sterility Vitamin (Vitamin E nickname)

Anti-Stress Mineral (magnesium nickname)

Anti-Stress Vitamin (Pantothenic Acid or Vitamin B5 nickname)

Antojitos ("little whims" or Mexican appetizers/snacks)

Antonette's Leap (Mount Bonnell in Austin)

Ants Climbing a Tree (Ma Yi Shang Shu or Mayishangshu)

Ants on a Log (Bugs on a Log)

"Ants on a log, floating down the river to the waterfall" (bureaucracy)

"Anybody can manage the Yankees"

"Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?"

"Anybody know when Walmart is sending out W2s for self checkout?"

"Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography"

"Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop"

"Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire"

Anyone Can Come (Austin Community College/ACC nickname)

"Anyone can steer the ship in calm waters"

"Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?" (quarantine joke)

"Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I've been wearing a mask..."

"Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?"

"Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?"

"Anyone know how much vodka goes in the mashed potatoes?"

"Anyone know what whiskey barrels are made of? Casking for a friend"

"Anyone who believes in exponential growth in a finite world is either a madman or an economist"

"Anyone who can't get drunk by midnight ain't tryin'" (Toots Shor)

"Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist should have his head examined"

"Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination"

"Anyone who says 'good morning' on a Monday is a sociopath"

"Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop"

"Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it"

"Anything can happen in Brooklyn"

"Anything is deductible until you're audited"

"Anything is popsicle when I'm with you"

"Anything I say before coffee cannot be used against me"

"Anything worth doing is worth doing for money"

"Anywhere you leave your remote control becomes a remote location"

Any Body Can Dance ("ABCD" backronym)

"Any bug can hit the windshield, but it takes guts to stick"

"Any country with 'democratic' in the title isn't"

"Any golf course plays hard when the wind blows" (golf adage)

"Any guy who plays heavy metal at work...is office rocker"

"Any jackass can kick a barn down, but it took a carpenter to build it" (Sam Rayburn)

"Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except for abortion jokes. There is no delivery"

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him..."

"Any party which takes credit for the rain must take blame for the drought"

"Any pie made with cannabis butter is technically a pot pie"

"Any room is a panic room if you have lost your phone in it"

"Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough"

"Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it"

"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses"

"Any team can have a bad century" ("Anyone can have a bad century")

"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed"

"Any wine can be a 'fine' wine if you drink enough of it"

"Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first"

"Any writing problem is a reporting problem"

"An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did"

"An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had"

"An acid and a base walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An acre of performance is worth a whole world of promise"

"An active mind cannot exist in an inactive body"

"An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut"

"An actuary is a someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it"

"An advertising agency is 85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission"

"An airplane doesn't make money sitting on the ground" (airline adage)

"An alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor"

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do"

"An allusion walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An alpaca had a parasite removed from around its mouth. It was alpaca lip tick"

"An amateur photographer worries about equipment..." (photography aphorism)

"An amnesiac walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anagramist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anteater walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An anti-Semite is someone who hates Jews more than is strictly necessary"

"An apology is a promise to do things differently next time, and to keep the promise"

"An aposiopesis walks into a -- " (bar joke)

"An apple a day is bullshit. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day is nonsense. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White..."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everybody away"

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit"

"An apple for (the) teacher" (apple-polisher)

"An apple pie without the cheese is like a kiss without the squeeze"

An apple tree on every street (2013 movie explanation)

"An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough"

"An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject"

"An armed society is a polite society"

"An army is like spaghetti -- you can pull it, but not push it"

"An atheist is a man who buys a ticket to the Notre Dame-SMU game and doesn't care who wins"

"An athlete dies twice" (sports proverb)

"An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar..." (joke)

"An auditor is a watchdog, not a bloodhound"

"An Australian marsupial hops into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's"

"An economist finds something working in practice and wonders if it will work in theory"

"An economist is a man who knows tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today"

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible"

"An educated citizenry is a vital requisite for our survival as a free people"

"An Educated Consumer Is Our Best Customer" (Syms Clothing)

"An eel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An egg salad sandwich is still technically a chicken salad sandwich"

"An ego and a superego walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An electrician arrives home at 3 a.m. His wife asks him, 'Wire you insulate?'"

"An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications"

"An elf walks into a bar. A dwarf walks under it" (bar joke)

"An elf walks into a bar. A hobbit walks under it" (bar joke)

"An empty bottle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An empty fortune cookie is very unfortunate"

"An empty stomach is not a good political adviser"

"An engineer, a doctor and a priest are playing golf" (joke)

"An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel..." (joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don't walk into a bar" (bar joke)

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Those were the days" (bar joke)

"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An English teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist all walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An executive is a man who makes quick decisions and is sometimes right"

"An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money"

"An Experience at Every Table" (Benihana)

"An expert is a man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy"

"An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study"

"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less"

"An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame"

"An honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus..." (joke)

"An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it"

"An idea is just a dream until you write it down, and then it's a goal"

"An ignorant thief robs a freight-car. An educated thief steals the whole railroad."

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An ill wind that nobody blows good" (musical instrument joke)

"An income is what you can't live without or within"

"An income tax form is like a laundry list—either way you lose your shirt"

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer"

"An infectious disease walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An infra-red photon walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An inkjet cartridge walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows"

"An Intimate Place to Learn, in the Heart of a Great City" (York Prep)

"An investment banker has good news and bad news" (joke)

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest"

"An investment portfolio is like a bar of soap; the more you touch it, the smaller it gets"

"An Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time"

"An Irishman walks out of a bar" (bar joke)

"An Italian restaurant served pasta cooked out of the eighth circle of hell. It was al Dante"

"An IT guru walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

An ocean on one side and New Jersey on the other.

"An odd day. Found a hat full of money, then got chased by a guy with a guitar"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An onion will make you cry, but they never have invented a vegetable that will make you laugh"

"An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion"

"An optimist is a person who has no trouble seeing the bright side of your problems"

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day"

"An optimist laughs to forget and an pessimist forgets to laugh"

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year"

"An Oxford comma walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An oxymoron walked into a bar..." (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house…” (bar joke)

"An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house..." (joke)

"An utter waste is defined as a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats"

"An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her"


Apodment (pod + apartment)

Apoplithorismosphobia (fear of deflation)

Aporkalypse (apocalypse + pork)

Appalachian Mountains: "Did you know apples are grown on a mountain? It's called the Apple-achian."

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently 'cheesecake & tacos' wasn’t the answer when he asked me about my weaknesses"

"Apparently it takes men longer to shop on the internet than at an actual store"

"Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving"

"Apparently, mime on mime violence is a real problem. You just don't hear about it"

"Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave"

"Apparently, the clocks go back in October. I can't remember where I got mine from!"

Appetizing Store ("Appy")


"Applesauce is the apple version of mashed potatoes"

Applesauce or Apple Sauce (slang for "nonsense")

Apples and Horses

"Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices"

Apples a la Manhattan (Pommes a la Manhattan)

Apple Annie & Apple Mary

Apple Awards (Guides Association of New York City)

Apple Cider Donut (Apple Cider Doughnut)

"Apple comes up" or "Feel the apple" or "Take the apple" (to choke; from Adam's apple)

"Apple is the default fruit"

Apple Jack Downing (cocktail)

Apple -- New York State Symbol (2007)

"Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes"

"Apple orchards, autumn skies, hot chocolate, and pumpkin pies"

Apple-picking (theft of Apple products)

Apple Pie Logs & Pizza Logs

Apple-Pie Order

Apple Pie Trail (Blue Mountains, Ontario; Orange County, NY)

Apple Store (2000s)

Apple Week

App Economy

April 1st & the Bronx Zoo (Telephone Hoax)

"Aprons are just adult bibs"

Aquacise (aqua + exercise)


AQUA (Ascan Avenue/Queens Boulevard/Union Turnpike/Austin Street in Forest Hills)

Aquemuck (Aqueduct racetrack scandal)

Arabic Amenity (hotel tray of dates, dried fruit and nuts)

Arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth)

Arbageddon (arbitrage + Armageddon)

Arbuckle (coffee)

"Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins"

"Architects cover their mistakes with ivy"

"Architecture is a great profession, but a horrible business"

Archtober (architecture + October)

"Aren't all books text books?"

Aren't Ready for the Marines Yet ("army" backronym)

Arepa ("Arepa Lady")

Arepera or Areperia (place that sells arepas)

"Are abbreviations in sign language called 'shorthand'?"

"Are birth control pills tax-deductible?"/"Only if they don't work."

"Are donuts made out of hole wheat?"

"Are Girl Scout cookies made from real Girl Scouts?"

"Are locksmiths key workers?"

"Are monsters good at math?"/"No, unless you Count Dracula."

"Are people born with a photographic memories or does it take time to develop?"

"Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?"

"Are those chopsticks in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?"

"Are we having some drinks, or are we having some dranks? I need to dress accordingly"

"Are we there yet?"

"Are we there, Yeti?"

"Are you an N95 mask? Cause I want you on my face" (pickup line)

"Are you a banana? Because I found you a peeling!"

"Are you a pie maker? Cause you make my banana cream." (dirty joke)

"Are you a pole vaulter?"/"No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

"Are you chewing gum?"/"Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

"Are you coffee because I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"Are you free tonight or will it cost me?" (pick-up line)

"Are you putting the Christmas tree up yourself?"/"No, I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

"Are you ready to rock...paper, scissors?"

"Are you supposed to tip the waiters here?" (joke)

"Are you watching too much TV, but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Problem solved"

"Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics..."

"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement -- just click on 'I agree'"

Aristocrat of Harlem (Cotton Club nickname)

Aristocrat of the Village (Barney Gallant's nickname)

Arizona: "In Arizona we salt margaritas, not sidewalks"

Arizona: Valentine State (nickname)

Arkansas: Bear State (nickname)

Arkansas: Land of Opportunity (nickname)

Arkansas: The Natural State (nickname)

Arkansas: Toothpick or Toothpicker (nickname)

Arkansas: Wonder State (nickname)

Arklatex (Ark-La-Tex, ArkLaTex, also Arklatexoma)

Arlingtonian (inhabitant of Arlington)

Arlingtonite (inhabitant of Arlington)

Armadillo Droppings (praline candy)

Armadillo Eggs (stuffed jalapeños)

Armchair Isolationism (Armchair Isolationist)

Armchair Quarterback (Armchair Quarterbacking)

"Arms are for hugging" (anti-nuke, gun control slogan)

"Arms change. Rights don't"

"Army Wife: Toughest job in the Army"

Arnold Palmer or Half-and-Half (lemonade + iced tea)

"Around the corner where fudge is made" (the buttocks; the bathroom)

Arrestable (protester predetermined to be arrested)

"Arrive early, be the last to leave and kick ass all fucking day"

"Arrogance is ignorance matured"

"Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" (1981)

"Arthur Murray Taught Me Dancing in a Hurry" (1942)

"Art teachers tell you there's no right or wrong in art, then tell you you're wrong"

Arugulance (arugula + arrogance)

"ASAP -- Always Stop And Pray"

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life's a bitch and beer's a must"

"Ash heap of history" ("Scrap heap of history," "Garbage heap of history," "Dustbin of history")

Asian Wall Street (San Gabriel Valley, CA)

"Asking a writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs"

"Ask an atheist who's just had a great meal if he believes there's a cook"

"Ask a basketball player for change of $1, get 75 cents back because no fourth quarter"

"Ask for money and you get advice; ask for advice and you get money"

Asphalt Capital of the World (Talco nickname)

"Aspire to inspire before you expire"

Aspirin Alley (Broadway)

Assassiversary (assassination + anniversary)

Associated Depressed (Associated Press nickname)

Associated Propaganda (Associated Press or AP nickname)

Asstros (Houston Astros baseball team unofficial nickname)

"Assume you have a can opener" (economics joke about opening a food can)

AssWhole Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

"Asthma Alley"

Astorian (inhabitant of Astoria, Queens)

Astoria Borealis (Astoria, Queens + Aurora Borealis)

Astorperious or Asterperious (from "Astor")

Astor House Rolls; Roast Beef "a la Astor House"

"Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

"Astronomy is way over my head"

Astroturf (Astroturfing)

Asylum Street (Guadalupe Street nickname in Austin)

"As American as apple pie"

"As an adult, checking the bank account is the equivalent of checking for monsters under the bed"

"As a child: 'You're grounded.' As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'"

"As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do"

"As cool as the other side of the pillow"

"As crooked as Pearl Street"

"As goes South Texas, so goes the U.S. crop"

"As goes Walmart, so goes America"

"As government expands, liberty contracts"

"As government grows, liberty decreases"

"As happy as a clam"

"As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa" (Iowa caucus as bellwether)

"As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost. Maybe a tour guide career wasn't for me"

"As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself you can't trust Google Maps"

"As January goes, so goes the year" or "January Barometer" (Wall Street proverb)

"As long as there are final exams, there will be prayer in schools"

"As long as we have wine, the holidays will be fine"

"As Maine goes, so goes the nation"

"As safe as the Bank of England"

"As seen on TV" (advertising catchphrase)

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

"As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something"

"As summer approaches, do we dig out our shorts or cut the legs off our pajamas?"

"As sure as God made little green apples"

"As the days get longer, the cold gets stronger" (weather proverb)

"As useful as an astray on a motorcycle" (not useful)

"As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"

"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way"

"Ate a box of Thin Mints. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work"

Athenian (inhabitant of Athens, Texas)

Athens of Texas (nickname of many Texas cities)

Atlantic Antic

"ATMs are pressed for cash"

"ATM fees are the bank's way of making you buy back your own money"

Atomic Buffalo Turds or ABTs (bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños)

Atomic Deer Turds


"Attack each day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind"

Attention-Interest-Desire-Action ("AIDA" of marketing)

"Attention Thieves: Please carry ID so we can notify next of kin"

"Attila walks into a quaint Southern diner. Waitress says, 'What can I get you, Hun?'"

"Attract what you expect. Reflect what you desire. Become what you respect. Mirror what you admire"

ATX (Austin nickname)

"At GM, you form a committee on snakes, then hire a consultant..." (Ross Perot)

"At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song"

"At my age, 'getting lucky' means having coffee without interruption"

"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas"

"At my house, we pray after we eat"

"At my new job, I have hundreds of people under me. I mow the grass at the cemetery"

"At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill. Got weird looks, so I started jogging instead"

"At the start of every disaster movie there's a scientist being ignored"

"At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on..." (joke)

"At the stroke of midnight, Neil wept softly, cradling the sour cream as it expired"

"At the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode" (joke)

"At the university, I made videos of urine at different resolutions. I even got a pee HD"

"At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go"

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations..."

"At work, a coffee machine always gets fixed faster than a printer"

"At work, when you don’t know what to do, just walk fast and look worried"

"Auctioneers are the original rappers"

"Auctions are the one place you can get something for nodding"

"Audio engineers give sound advice"

Audrey Munson (New York's "Civic Fame" and "Miss Manhattan," San Francisco's "World's Fair Girl")

"August already? September is practically next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume"

"August is like the Sunday of summer"

Auld Mug (America's Cup trophy nickname)

Aunt Jane (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Millie (an unsophisticated investor)

Aunt Sally's Boutique (Salvation Army nickname)

Aunt Samantha (wife of Uncle Sam)

Aunt Sammy (sister of Uncle Sam)

Aurophobia (fear of gold)

Austerian (austerity + Austrian school of economics)

Austerical (austerity + hysterical)

Austex or AusTex or Aus-Tex (Austin, Texas)

Austinite (cocktail)

Austinite (inhabitant of Austin)

Austinpreneur (Austin + entrepreneur)

Austintatious (Austin-tatious)

Austin Comical (Austin Chronicle nickname)

Austin: It's what the rest of the country had in mind (Austin slogan)

Austin (summary)

"Australians are just British Texans"


Author's Row (Jane Street in West Village, Manhattan)

"Autocorrect and I have a love hat relationship"

"Autocorrect can be your worst enema"

"Autocorrect makes me type things I didn't Nintendo"

Autograt (automatic gratuity)

Autohoaxer; Autohoaxing

Automat (or, Automated Restaurant)

Automobile Row

"Auto racing, bullfighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports -- all others are games"

Auto Show

"Autumn came, with wind and gold"

"Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons"

"Autumn in New York" (1934)

"Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring"

"Autumn is my favorite color"

"Autumn leaves and pumpkins, please"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn skies and pumpkin pies"

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile"

Avenue of Architecture (Eighth Avenue)

Avenue of Heroes; Canyon of Heroes

"Average gumbo is only medi-okra"

Avinunca (Avianca nickname)

"Avocado salsa is just guacamole"

Avodog (avocado + hot dog)

"Avoid any food that has a TV commercial"

"Avoid fruits and nuts -- you are what you eat"

"Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high"

"Always ask for a receipt. You may need an alibi"

Awesome Sauce

Awful Broadcasting Company (ABC nickname)

Awful House (Waffle House nickname)

Axe (bad financial asset)

Aztec Soup or Aztec Tortilla Soup (Sopa Azteca)

Aztec Two-Step (traveler's diarrhea)

"A 20 Hz sine wave walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A $300 bat won't fix your 50 cent swing" (baseball adage)

"A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it's cute. If I do it. I'm an alcoholic"

"A baby seal walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A backward poet writes inverse"

"A backyard barbecue draws two things ... flies and relatives"

"A bad day of fishing is better than a good day of work"

"A bad football team is like an old bra -- no cups and very little support"

"A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer, for even longer"

"A bad plan is better than no plan" (chess adage)

"A bad play saved by a bad performance" (Broadway saying)

"A bad putt is better than a bad chip" (golf adage)

"A bad settlement is better than a good trial"

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand"

"A band has three years to write the first album and three weeks to write the follow-up"

"A banker lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back when it rains"

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it"

"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist"

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory"

"A bar goes into a guy..." (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a commutative algebraist" (bar joke)

"A bar walks into a man. Oops! Wrong frame of reference" (bar joke)

"A bar was walked into by the passive voice" (bar joke)

"A bar without gin is like an Italian kitchen without pasta"

"A baseball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bass is a bass is a bass" (fishing adage)

"A bear walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bear walks into a bar in Billings... (bar joke)

"A belt made of dollar bills would be a waist of money"

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn"

"A bet against a champion is a bad bet"

"A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired" (pun)

"A bicycle is just an acoustic motorcycle"

"A big shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets"

"A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money"

"A bird's nest on the ground" (East Texas saying)

"A bishop, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bishop walks straight into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blackberry is a goth raspberry"

"A black hole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A black man, a Jew, and an Asian walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blank piece of paper is God's way of telling us how hard it is to be God"

"A blind man walks into a bar and says, 'Wanna hear a blonde joke?'" (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blind man walks into a shop with his seeing-eye dog..." (joke)

"A blind person was eating seafood. It didn’t help"

"A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors"

"A bloop hit looks like a line drive in the box score" (baseball adage)

"A blowfly goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A blue trip slip for an 8 cent fare..." (horse-car poetry)

"A boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money"

"A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat"

"A book dies every time you watch a reality TV show"

"A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame"

"A book walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boomerang walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A boss is like a diaper -- always on your ass and full of shit"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods"

"A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday" (joke)

"A brain walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A bra walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A brownie is like an espresso of cake"

"A brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast"

"A bubble is a bull market in which you don't have a position"

"A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends"

"A bunch of my friends are coming over this evening to play on their phones"

"A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds an office that some Republican wants"

"A bureaucrat is a politician with tenure"

"A burp is just a fart that took the elevator"

"A burp is nothing more than a smart fart that took the elevator up"

"A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A businessman is someone to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom"

"A business that makes nothing but money is a poor kind of business"

"A business with no sign is a sign of no business"

"A bus is like a moving waiting room"

"A butcher stands 6 feet tall and wears size 12 shoes -- what does he weigh?" (riddle)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cabbage and celery walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cable TV installer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber"

"A calzone is the socially acceptable way for someone to eat a whole pizza"

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee"

"A campaign for re-election is a referendum on the incumbent"

"A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance"

"A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter" (joke)

"A cardiology video is totally clips of the heart"

"A careful driver is one who just saw the car ahead of him get a traffic ticket"

"A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners"

"A case of the Mondays" (school/work saying)

"A cashier asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I said, 'Just put the money in a bag!!'"

"A cat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A celebrity works hard to be well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized"

"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness"

"A champion is someone who is willing to be uncomfortable" ("Be comfortable being uncomfortable")

"A champion team will always beat a team of champions"

"A chef is a man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day"

"A chemist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chia pet walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up"

"A chicken nugget is a meatball"

"A chicken walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes"

"A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction"

"A chiropractor is a hip-pop artist"

"A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing"

"A classroom is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A clean browsing history is also a dirty one"

"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer"

"A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection"

"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day"

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise"

"A clockwork toy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A closed mouth doesn't get fed"

"A closed mouth gathers no feet"

"A coach who listens to the fans ends up sitting with them"

"A code walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away"

"A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer"

"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there"

"A comic says funny things; a comedian says things funny"

"A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours"

"A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary"

"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain"

"A committee is twelve people doing the work of one"

"A community bound by books" (BookPeople slogan)

"A compliment is verbal sunshine"

"A compromise is a deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted"

"A computer keyboard is a word piano"

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing"

"A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles"

"A conscience is like a boat or a car. If you feel you need one, rent it" (J.R. on Dallas tv series)

"A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run"

"A conservative is a man who worships a dead radical"

"A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now"

"A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt"

"A conservative man is a man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits"

"A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps the watch"

"A consultant is someone who lives out of town"

"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee"

"A contortionist in the Philippines would be a Manila folder"

"A cookbook is only as good as its poorest recipe"

"A cookbook is only as good as its worst recipe"

"A cookie a day keeps the sadness away"

"A cop pulled me over and said, 'Papers.' So I said, 'Scissors, I win!' and drove off"

"A corn maze is a maize maze"

"A corn stalk walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A correction is when you lose money and a bear market is when I lose money"

"A country with a government" ("A government with a country")

"A cowboy is a man with guts and a horse"

A Crappy Test ("ACT" backronym)

"A criminal's best asset is his lie-ability"

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation"

"A critic enters the battlefield after the war and shoots the wounded"

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car"

"A crowded parking lot means good food" (restaurant adage)

"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door"

"A cult is a religion with no political power"

"A cupcake is happiness with icing on top"

"A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent"

"A cup of tea solves everything"

"A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a public as base as itself"

"A dangling modifier walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dangling participle walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A day late and a dollar short"

"A day of anarchy is worse than a hundred years of tyranny"

"A day without coffee is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A day without wine isn't over yet"

"A day without wine is like... Just kidding. I have no idea"

"A DBA walks into a NoSQL bar..." (bar joke)

"A deal is a deal" (business saying)

"A default sans-serif font walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A defenseman needs 300 games to learn how to play" (hockey adage)

"A detained knight should consult a graphic designer. Apparently they free lance a lot"

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure"

"A dickhead walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"

"A diet is what helps a person gain weight more slowly"

"A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width"

"A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch"

"A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries"

"A dining car is a chew-chew train"

"A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol"

"A diplomat is anyone who thinks twice before saying nothing"

"A diplomat is a person who can be disarming even though his country isn't"

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age"

"A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell so that you look forward to the trip"

"A doctor walks into a bar..." ("hickory daiquiri doc" bar joke)

"A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep" (proverb)

"A dog prepares you for kids. A cat prepares you for teenagers"

"A dog walks into a telegram office..." (joke)

"A dollar-three-eighty"

"A drummer with good time doesn't exist" (joke)

"A drunk dyslexic wanks into a jar" (bar joke)

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts"

"A duck walks into a bar and asks, 'Got any grapes?'" (bar joke)

"A duck walks into a bar and says, 'Put it on my bill'" (bar joke)

"A dwarf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra" (bar joke)

"A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and screams, 'Air in the hands, mother stickers!'"

"A face for radio"

"A fairy tale is a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers"

"A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer's wave goodbye"

"A falling leaf is summer's wave goodbye"

"A family checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject"

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be"

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be"

"A fat person doesn't eat what's right, but eats what's left"

"A female janitor asked if I'd do some weed with her. I can't deal with high maintenance women"

"A ferry is the poor man's cruise ship"

"A few oil wells make ranching a fine business"

"A figure of speech literally walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A file folder walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A filibuster is a long speech about nothing by an authority on the subject"

"A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination"

"A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing okay"

"A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password"

"A fireman runs into a school clutching a screwdriver and shouts, 'This is not a drill!'"

"A fire hydrant has H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside"

"A fisherman is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other"

"A fisherman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A fish in sea" ("efficiency" pun)

"A fish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A five-dollar bill walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A food truck is the opposite of a drive-thru"

"A foolish faith in authority is the enemy of the truth"

"A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place"

"A fool and his money are soon audited"

"A fool and his money are soon elected"

"A fool and his money are soon partying"

"A football team that has two quarterbacks has no quarterback"

"'A fraction of the cost' is misleading as hypothetically, something could be 3/2 of the cost"

"A Frenchman drinks his native wine, a German drinks his beer..." (toast)

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat"

"A friend doesn't go on a diet when you are fat"

"A friend got some vinegar in his ear. Now he suffers from pickled hearing!"

"A friend in need is a damned nuisance"

"A friend is like a four-leaf clover -- hard to find, lucky to have"

"A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden"

"A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway"

"A friend of wine is a friend of mine"

"A friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"A frog walks in to a bar and orders a 'Wodka'..." (bar joke)

"A fruit probably wouldn't travel to Australia, but a veggie might"

"A full mind is an empty bat" (baseball adage)

"A full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach"

"A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand"

"A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth" (Kinsley gaffe)

"A" Game

"A game of inches" (sports saying)

"A gathering of baboons is called a congress"

"A gentleman is a man who can play the saxophone but doesn't"

A Genuine Texas Town (Rotan slogan)

"A German walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ghost walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giant lightbulb walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gig is worth ten rehearsals" (music adage)

"A giraffe walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A giraffe walks into a bar and the barman says..." (bar joke)

"A girl loved me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet"

"A girl was knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I had to let her out."

"A goaltender is a team's best penalty killer" (hockey adage)

"A goal is a dream with a deadline" (management aphorism)

"A goal should scare you a little, and excite you a lot"

"A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A goat walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A goal without a plan is just a wish"

"A goldfish walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top"

"A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it"

"A golf club walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A golf course is a site to be holed"

"A good big man will beat a good little man" (boxing adage)

"A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door"

"A good date ends with dinner. An awesome date ends with breakfast"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee"

"A good driver can make a poor car look good, but not the other way around"

"A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze"

"A good insurance company knows how to handle acclaim"

"A good man can make you feel sexy...oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that"

"A good mother loves her children. A great mother still loves them when they're teenagers"

"A good number of my friends are racist. Precisely zero -- and that is a good number"

"A good pair of running shoes can last 400 miles" (running adage)

"A good percentage of my friends are Nazis. That percentage is zero"

"A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow"

"A good pun is its own reword"

"A good putter is a match for anyone and a bad putter is a match for no one" (golf adage)

"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch"

"A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television"

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend"

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween"

"A grapefruit is a lemon that had a chance and took advantage of it"

"A grasshopper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A grave twenty-three inches long" (a newspaper column)

A great place to hang your hat (Paris, Texas slogan)

"A green Thanksgiving means a white Christmas"

"A group of homophones wok inn two a bar..." (bar joke)

"A group of kids is called a migraine"

"A gun in the hand beats a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth more than the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is worth the entire police force on the phone"

"A gun in the hand is better than two cops on the phone"

"A guy named Bart walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A guy only 3 feet, 3 inches tall showed up at my house. It was the meter man"

"A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A guy walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A guy walks into a bar with an octopus..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator..." (bar joke)

"A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gymnast walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A gyro is a Greek taco" ("A gyro is a lamb taco")

"A half-truth is a whole lie"

"A hamburger doesn't have a front or back until you bite it"

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hamburger walks into a bar..." (joke)

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A hand up, not a handout"

"A hangover is just your body reminding you that you’re an idiot"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't"

"A happy customer tells a friend; an unhappy customer tells the world"

"A happy fighter is a dangerous fighter" (boxing adage)

"A harp is a piano after taxes"

"A healthy attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier!"

"A heart the size of Texas" or "A heart as big as Texas" (Texas saying)

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer"

"A hipster walks into a bar you’ve never heard of" (bar joke)

"A hit dog will holler"

"A holding company is where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you"

"A Hong Kong second is a New York minute"

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a barn..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint..." (bar joke)

"A horse walks into a bar..." (bar anti-joke)

"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey!' ..."

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running"

"A hospital is no place to be sick"

"A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future what a can of soda will cost in 20 years"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi"

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams"

"A house is made of wood and stone, but only love can make a home"

"A house is not a home without a dog"

"A hug in a mug" (coffee, hot cocoa, soup, tea)

"A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room..." (joke)

"A hyperbole totally ripped into the bar and absolutely destroyed everything!" (bar joke)

"A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar... (bar joke)

"A jazz musician is someone that puts a $5,000 horn in a $500 car and drives 50 miles for $5 gig"

"A Jewish fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school"

"A job is more than a paycheck. It's also a place where you cry in the bathroom"

"A joke walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A journalist is an unemployed reporter"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"

"A jumper cable walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer"

"A jury is one thing that never works when it's fixed"

"A keyboard walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought, ‘That’s not very mature'"

"A King caught his Queen watching Pawn one Knight in the Castle and decided to report to the Bishop"

"A knight in shining armor is a man who's never had his metal truly tested"

"A knight on the rim is dim" (chess adage)

"A lamb, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A landscaper walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A large dog's favorite pastry is a Great Danish"

"A late train gets later" (transportation adage)

"A lawsuit is something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose"

"A lawyer’s first duty is to make sure that only the client goes to jail"

"A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade"

"A lawyer helps you get what's coming to him"

"A lawyer is someone who writes an 80-page document, and calls it a 'brief'"

"A lawyer prevents somebody else from getting your money"

A la Minute

"A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way"

"A leader leads by example, whether he intends to or not"

"A leader must inspire or his team will expire"

"A leadoff walk always scores" (baseball adage)

"A liberal is a man too broad-minded to take his own side in a quarrel"

"A liberal is a man who leaves the room when the fight begins"

"A liberal is a man with both feet planted firmly in the air"

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren’t at stake at the moment"

"A liberal is a person who will give away everything he doesn't own"

"A libertarian is a conservative who's been busted"

"A libertarian is a liberal who learned economics"

"A libertarian is a Republican who smokes pot"

"A library is a hospital for the mind"

"A license is what you get when the gov't steals your rights away from you and then sells them back"

"A lick and a promise"

"A lie has speed, but truth has endurance"

"A life of frustration is inevitable for any coach whose main enjoyment is winning"

"A limbo dancer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A line in the sand" (Col. Travis in 1836; Pres. Bush in 1990)

"A linguist walks into a bar and orders an IPA..." (bar joke)

"A little birdie told me my golf skills are improving"

"A Little Bit of New England in the Bronx" (Johnny's Reef)

"A little government involvement is just as dangerous as a lot"

"A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation"

"A loaf of bread, a pound of meat, and all the mustard you can eat!" (hot dogs)

"A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage"

"A long term investment is a short term investment that failed"

"A lost opportunity is better than lost money" ("Missed money is better than lost money")

"A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math"

"A lot of money is tainted -- 'taint yours and 'taint mine"

"A lot of people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make"

"A lot of people don't like Mondays, but 48 hours ago was a sadder day"

"A lot of people my age are dead"

"A lot of women are turning into good drivers. If you're a good driver, watch out for turning women"

"A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue"

"A magician was driving down the road. Then he turned into a driveway"

"A malapropism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A male feminist walks into a bar because it was set so low" (bar joke)

"A manager eyes the bottom line; a leader eyes the horizon"

"A Man’s Breakfast: Eggs, bacon, and a goddamn gun"

"A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time: pills or stairs"

"A man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus"

"A man doesn't walk into a bar..." (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man doesn't walk into a pub..." (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)

"A man fell in a barrel of whiskey, but he died in good spirits"

"A man has been stealing wheels from police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch him"

"A man in a hat got a tan" (Manhattan)

"A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man in debt is caught in a net"

"A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won't need it now"

"A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"

"A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy"

"A man on a tractor drove past me shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!' It was Farmer Geddon"

"A man overdosed on curry powder and went into a korma"

"A man promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day. So he took her to a baseball park"

"A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A man spilled his Scrabble set on the road. I asked, 'What's the word on the street?'"

"A man takes a drink...then the drink takes the man"

"A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes"

"A man takes his wife to get tested..." (joke)

"A man using Apple maps walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks for a Corona and two Hurricanes..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and asks the quickest way into town..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and hears a voice say, 'Nice tie!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and says, 'Give me a beer before problems start!'" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar and sees a smartly dressed woman..." (lawyer joke)

"A man walks into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus..." (bagpipes joke)

"A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism problem is destroying his family" (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar in New Orleans..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar...lucky bastard" (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)

"A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a gun..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a newt..." (bar joke)

"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm..." (bar joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelves?'" (joke)

"A man went into a library and asked, 'Do you have any books on shelving?'" (joke)

"A man with authority walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two is never sure"

"A marathon runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Marine on duty has no friends" (Marine Corps proverb)

"A market that rallies on bad news could signal a bottom' (Wall Street adage)

"A Marxist is someone who loves humanity in groups of one million or more"

"A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mathematician walks into a bar and orders ten times the drinks of everyone else..." (bar joke)

"A Matter of Taste" (Tasti D-Lite)

"A meal without wine is breakfast"

"A meatball is just a bite-sized meatloaf"

"A meatball sub is basically just an Italian taco"

"A median and a mode walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A meeting is no substitute for progress"

"A microwave is an easy bake oven for adults"

"A midget walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A mile wide and an inch deep"

"A Milky Way is just a female Snickers"

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (bar joke)

"A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar..." (tech joke)

"A million kids want to clean up earth. A million parents want them to start with their rooms"

"A million kids want to clean up the Earth. A million parents want it started with their bedrooms"

"A minimalist walks into a bar" (bar joke)

"A model railroad is never finished" (adage)

"A model railway is never finished" (adage)

"A modern bar mitzvah is more 'bar' than 'mitzvah'"

"A mole walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips"

"A month does not a trend make"

"A morning without coffee is like sleep"

"A mother gave birth during flight. The baby was airborne"

"A mother holds her children's hands for a while, but their hearts forever"

"A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people..."

"A motion to adjourn is always in order"

"A movement is over when the news is out" (Wall Street adage)

"A movie ticket for baby should cost at least $50"

"A mugger robs a congressman" (joke)

"A mugger says to a university student, 'Your money or your life!'" (joke)

"A mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered. Archaeologists believe it's Pharaoh Roche"

"A musical comedy must have good legs for a long run"

"A music store was robbed. The robbers made off with the lute"

"A naked woman gets into a taxi..." (jokes)

"A naked woman walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nap is just a shortcut to your next meal"

"A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves"

"A nation that cannot control its borders can't control its destiny"

"A Nazi walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neoconservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality"

"A neutrino walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutrino walks through a bar..." (bar joke)

"A neutron walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A newspaper is a daily miracle"

"A new broom sweeps clean, but an old broom knows all the corners"

"A new school, For a new century, In a new neighborhood" (Claremont Prep)

"A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages"

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other"

A New Yorker's View of the World

"A New Yorker is someone who longs for New York"

"A New Yorker learns to drive by yelling 'taxi'"

"A nice cold drink and an ice cold drink is the same sentence with the space in different places"

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore"

"A nickel a shtickel"

"A nickel gets you on the subway, but garlic gets you a seat"

"A nonrenewable natural resource walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A non sequitur walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nose walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A number 12 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nun, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A nut for a jar of tuna" (palindrome)

"A one hour workout is only 4% of your day. No excuses"

"A pair of dice walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A panda bear was frying up some bacon and eggs. It was a frying pan, duh"

"A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’"

"A panda walks into a restaurant..." (joke)

"A paper cut is a tree's last revenge"

"A paper never refuses ink"

"A parking meter is a device that enables you to do two hours' shopping in one"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A parking ticket officer is simply a hall monitor who reached full potential"

"A party in my tummy"

"A party in your mouth" (a taste sensation)

"A party without cake is just a meeting"

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government"

"A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants"

"A peanut sat on a railroad track. His heart was all a-flutter..."

"A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank"

"A pencil is an acoustic pen"

"A penguin walks into an airport..." (joke)

"A penguin walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A penny saved is actually more valuable than a penny earned because you don't pay taxes on it"

"A penny saved is a Congressional oversight"

"A penny saved is ridiculous"

"A perfectionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer"

"A person who cares for chickens is a chicken tender"

"A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner"

"A person without data is just another person with an opinion"

"A person with an art degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A person with a liberal arts degree walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative"

"A pessimist is a well-informed optimist"

"A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty"

"A pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel..."

"A photon checks into a hotel..." (joke)

"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building" (joke)

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it will take longer to download"

"A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money. It was a strobbery"

"A piece of gold walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar... (bar joke)

"A piece of sod walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A piece of turf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pie doesn't grow through its slicing"

"A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York"

"A pig walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pilot is just a flying bus driver"

"A pirate walks into a bar, and it was at that moment..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head..." (bar joke)

"A plateau is a high form of flattery"

"A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck..." (bar joke)

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine"

"A Pokémon Go user walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview" (joke)

"A politician can make waves, then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship"

"A politician's back-slapping and hand-shaking is spoiled by leg-pulling"

"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground"

"A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it"

"A politician is someone who will lay down your life for his country"

"A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman of the next generation"

"A politician who's poor is a poor politician"

"A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office"

"A politician would attend the opening of an envelope"

"A positive attitude and a sense of humor go together like biscuits and gravy"

"A positive attitude is contagious, but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier"

"A potato walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..." (bar joke parody)

"A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A principle isn't a principle until it costs you money"

"A problem is a chance for you to do your best"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep"

"A professor must have a theory, as a dog must have fleas"

"A pub is for life, not just for Christmas"

"A puddle of vomit goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A pun walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A QA engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A quesadilla is essentially a grilled cheese sandwich"

"A question mark walks into a bar?" (bar joke)

"A quick nickel is better than a slow dime"

"A race horse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time"

"A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously"

"A Rastafarian walks into a bank with a bag of marijuana. He wanted to open a joint account"

"A Rat In The House May/Might Eat The Ice Cream" ("arithmetic" spelling aid)

"A really bad impressionist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A really big shew" (The Ed Sullivan Show)

"A real friend never gets in your way -- unless you happen to be on the way down"

"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works"

"A recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose your job"

"A recipe is a story that ends with a good meal"

"A reckless driver is one who passes you, in spite of all you can do"

"A rectangular prism walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A refrigerator is a place to store leftovers until they are old enough to throw out"

"A reindeer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. You play games"

"A restaurant for young cows is a calfé" (calf + café)

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money"

"A riot is the language of the unheard"

"A rising tide lifts all boats" (Wall Street proverb)

"A robot walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rock guitarist plays 3 chords to 3,000 people; a jazz guitarist plays 3,000 chords to 3 people"

"A rock walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A rolling loan gathers no loss" (banking adage)

"A rolling stone gathers no moss. but a moving ceiling fan gathers dust like a motherfucker"

"A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus..." (bar joke)

"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers..." (bar joke)

"A room and bath for two and one-half" (Commodore Hotel, now Grand Hyatt)

"A rosé by any other name would taste as sweet"

"A rubber band was confiscated during algebra because it was a weapon of math disruption"

"A runner walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A safety net should be a trampoline as opposed to a hammock"

"A salad without radicchio? That's just radicchio-less"

"A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat"

"A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed."

"A scared nickel never made a dime" (business adage)

"A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on"

"A seat on the New York Stock Exchange is a license to steal"

"A selfie with a celebrity is the new form of an autograph"

"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student"

"A semicolon broke the law; it was given two consecutive sentences"

"A shady business never yields a sunny life"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"A sheep, a drum and a snake walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ship does not sail with yesterday's wind" (political proverb)

"A signature reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name"

"A sign for a strip club during the day: 'Sorry, we're clothed'"

"A sign said 'Lobster Tails $2.' I paid $2 and was told, 'Once upon a time there was a lobster...'"

"A simile walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A single bee is ignored, but when millions come together, even the bravest run in fear"

"A single piece of corn is technically a unicorn"

"A six-sided man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skeleton walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A skyscraper is a machine that makes the land pay"

"A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral and inadequate"

"A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland. The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks"

"A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is"

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight"

"A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool"

"A Smurf walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snail walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snake walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A snowflake is winter's butterfly"

"A soccer ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A sod farmer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A soft-boiled egg is the lava cake of eggs"

"A soft taco is just an unfolded burrito"

"A space heater makes a great housewarming gift"

"A spark plug walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar..." (bar jokes)

"A spice thief had his own spices stolen. I guess you could say he had it cumin"

"A spill, a slip, a hospital trip" (safety slogan)

"A spoon is just a bowl on a stick"

"A spoon is just a small bowl with a handle"

"A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age"

"A square and a circle walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A statesman is any politician it's considered safe to name a school after"

"A statesman is a politician who is dead"

"A stew boiled is a stew spoiled"

"A stinky man walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A stock doesn't know where it has been" or "A stock doesn't know you own it" (Wall Street proverb)

"A stock is worth what someone is willing to pay for it" (Wall Street adage)

"A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money & your wife is still around"

"A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane"

"A string walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A strong butt is the key to a happy life"

"'A' students teach 'B' students to work for 'C' students"

"A subatomic particle refused to pay bus fare. It just lepton"

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him"

"A Sunday well spent brings a week of content"

"A superconductor walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A surgeon, an architect, and a politician" (joke)

"A Swedish woman, two Swedish men, and another Swedish woman walk into ABBA..." (bar joke)

"A synonym strolls into a tavern..." (bar joke)

"A tablespoon is to eat tables with"

"A taco is a beef love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A taco is a fish love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach"

"A tall guy walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle"

"A taxi is not a restaurant" (joke)

"A tax can be fair or simple, but not both"

"A tax loophole benefits the other guy; if it benefits you, it's tax reform"

"A teacher takes a hand, opens a mind and touches a heart"

"A teacher walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A team is a reflection of its coach" (sports adage)

"A teetotaler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A television can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A tenement house in Greenwood" (soup with greens)

"A tennis ball walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A-ten-hut!" or "Ten-hut!" ("attention" command)

"A tepid vote counts the same as a wildly enthusiastic vote"

"A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'" (bar joke)

"A testing engineer walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Texan is a Mexican who couldn't swim to Oklahoma" (dirty joke definition)

"A theater without beer is just a museum"

"A theory should not attempt to explain all the facts, because some of the facts are wrong"

"A thief believes everybody steals" (proverb)

"A thief entered a theatre. He stole the spotlight"

"A three-legged dog walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Tibetan monk sees Jesus in a tub of margarine and cries, 'I can't believe it's not Buddha!'"

"A tie game is like kissing your sister"

"A time-stretched sinusoid walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A time traveler walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A ton of money" (a large amount of money)

"A topiary expert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A towel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A town so small, people only lock their car doors during the zucchini harvest"

"A tradition unlike any other" (The Masters golf tournament)

"A tragedy is a ship full of bankers sinking. A catastrophe is when they can all swim"

"A train is like a moving waiting room"

"A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense"

"A truck carrying onions has overturned. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on"

"A truck full of Vicks VapoRub overturned. Police are saying there will be no congestion for 24hrs."

"A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success"

"A true friend is one who thinks you're a good egg, even though you're slightly cracked"

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down"

"A true friend sees the pain in your eyes, even when you have a big smile on your face"

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty"

"A truly special teacher is very wise, and sees tomorrow in every child's eyes"

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tuba player walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can't believe it's not better"

"A Tuesday after a holiday is like a double whammy Monday"

"A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer"

"A university is a city in outer space"

"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in the students"

"A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it's not that good"

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in"

"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking"

"A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup"

"A vegetarian is a person who doesn't eat anything that can have children"

"A ventriloquist walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A veteran is someone who wrote a blank check to the United States of America"

"A Viagra shipment was stolen today. Cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals"

"A virologist, an epidemiologist and a scientist walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A voice for print"

"A vote for freedom is never wasted"

"A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. 'Sorry, only one carrion is allowed'"

"A waffle is a pancake with a non-skid tread"

"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake"

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap"

"A waffle without the letter W is just awful"

"A waist is a terrible thing to mind"

"A walk is as good as a hit" (baseball adage)

"A watched pot never boils"

"A Way of Life" & "Think Less, Feel Better" (New York Health & Racquet Club)

"A weasel walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A weatherman was sacked because of cold, gloomy forecasts. No more mist and ice guy"

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus" (joke)

"A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day"

"A week is a long time in politics"

"A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous"

"A wet man does not fear the rain"

"A winner is a dreamer who never gives up"

"A winner makes commitments. A loser makes promises"

"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins"

"A win is a win" (sports adage)

"A wireless bra? It was tricky enough; now I need a password?"

"A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks, it's undercooked'"

"A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone"

"A woman's place is in the kitchen"

"A woman and a duck walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection..." (joke)

"A woman notices her ex-husband drinking at the bar..." (joke)

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre" (bar joke)

"A world without tomatoes is like a string quartet without violins"

"A world without weird people is like vanilla ice cream without the sprinkles"

"A writer must always tell the truth (unless he's a journalist)"

"A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army"

"A yawn is a silent scream for coffee"

"A year from now you will wish you had started today"

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A young Texan walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"A Zamboni is a sports car"