A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeye's fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

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I-95 Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

Iatrogenic Government

Iceberg Building (IAC Building in Chelsea)

"Iced coffee is literally cool beans"

"'Iced coffee' sounds cool but 'cold coffee' sounds gross"

Iced Tea

Iced Tea

Icehouse (Ice House)

"Ice Cream" (1995) ("Butter-Pecan Rican" lyric)

Ice Cream Cone

Ice Cream Fruit (cherimoya nickname)

"Ice cream is cheaper than therapy"

"Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal"

Ice Cream Sandwich

Ice Cream Soda

"Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood"

"Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept"

"Ice hockey players can walk on water"

ICE (Income, Credit and Equity)

"Ice skating is just walking in cursive"

"Icing on the cake"

Icing the Kicker (football strategy)

Idaho: Gem State (nickname)

Idaho: Idaho (state name etymology)

Idaho: Little Ida (nickname)

Idaho: Potato State (nickname)

Idaho Stop

"Ideas are bulletproof" ("You can kill a man, but you cannot kill an idea")

"Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun"

IDGAF (I Don't Give Away Food)

Idiocracy (idiot + bureaucracy)

"Idioms are not my cup of coffee"

"Idioms are not my cup of tea"

Idiotarod (with shopping carts!)

Idiot Board (a teleprompter)

Idiot-Maker Rally

"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" (Warren Buffett)

"I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar..."

"I'd demand a recount" (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)

"I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk"

"I'd go to a strip club, but it's always the same old thong and dance"

"I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom. No one questions you if you spend 45 minutes there"

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary"

"I'd make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all"

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are" (poem)

I'd rather be a lamppost in New York than mayor anywhere else

"I'd rather be fishing"

"I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven"

"I'd rather be lucky than good"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

"I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies"

"I'd rather let someone see me naked than parallel park"

"I'd tell you an economics joke, but there's not enough demand"

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I won't get a reaction"

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day"

"If 10% is enough for God, it's enough for the IRS"

"If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water"

"If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?"/"Colonoscopy prep."

"If 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, why can’t Thursday be the new Friday?"

"If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping?"

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?"

"If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too" (theatre adage)

"If advertisers were smart, they’d make a silent, slow-motion commercial"

"If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do"

"If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel's is a wheelchair"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?"

"If all economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion"

"If all is not lost, where is it?"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be Sunday afternoon"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Fourth of July"

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end it would be the Labor Day weekend"

"If all the Texas steers were one steer, he would have his front feet in the Gulf of Mexico..."

"If all your troubles are behind you, you must be a school bus driver"

"If all you ever do is all you've ever done, then all you'll get is all you ever got"

"If America had a slogan, it’d be 'Don’t bother me, I’m eating'"

"If anyone ever tries to sell you a transparent car wheel, steer clear"

"If anyone tells you your dreams are silly, there's a millionaire who invented the pool noodle"

"If an argument lasts more than five minutes, both sides are wrong"

"If an avocado is a fruit, is guacamole a smoothie?"

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" (joke)

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?"/"Tic Tac toe."

"If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"

"If at first you don't succeed, pay someone else to do it for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, try left field" (baseball joke)

"If at first you don't succeed, try management"

"If at first you don't succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant"

"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common"

"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average"

"If at first you donut succeed, fry, fry again"

"If avocados and tomatoes are fruits, then guacamole is fruit salad"

"If a 100 yd dash champion weds a marathon runner, is it a mixed race marriage?"

"If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules"

"If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn't good"

"If a bug won’t bite it, why should you? Go Organic"

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign"

"If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, don't wave them like you just don't care"

"If a cowboy dies and comes back to life, is it called reintarnation?"

"If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which station would it work? A crust station."

"If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you?"

"If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?"/"Plastic explosives."

"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up"

"If a man can't curse his friends, whom can he curse?" (Sam Houston)

"If a man is right, he cannot be too radical; if wrong, he cannot be too conservative"

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead"

"If a morgue worker dies they'd still need to come in to work one more time"

"If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"If a person has integrity, nothing else matters"

"If a play is working, keep running it" (sports adage)

"If a politician says you don’t need a gun, you need a gun"

"If a psychologist became a hip hop artist, does it make the music 'shrink rap'?"

"If a single teacher can't teach all the subjects, how can a single student learn them all?"

"If a train station is where a train stops, then what's a workstation?" (joke)

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success"

"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?"

"If a woman puts me in the friend zone, I immediately borrow money from her"

"If by 'crunches' you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes, I do crunches"

"If by "crunches" you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it, then yes, I do crunches”

"If by 'crunches' you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes I do crunches”

"If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits"

"If by living the American dream you mean paycheck to paycheck then yes I am"

"If cars had an 'I'm sorry' horn, there would probably be a lot less road rage"

"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't"

"If caught sleeping, slowly raise your head from your desk and say, 'In Jesus' name, Amen'"

"If cauliflower can somehow become pizza...then you, my friend, can do anything"

"If cheerleading were any easier, it would be called football"

"If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?"/"Pot."

"If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock"

"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in"

"If confusion is the beginning of wisdom, I am totally on the right track"

"If Congress has the right under the Constitution to issue paper money ..."

"If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?"

"If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?"

"If defensive backs could catch, they would be wide receivers" (football adage)

"If driven carefully, please report stolen" (bumper sticker)

"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre"

"If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays"

"If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn't every country a third world country?"

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas"

"If even the inspector says 'Pass' on a restaurant, why should I try it?"

"If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking"

"If everyone in the world was right-handed, then there would be nobody left"

"If every day is a gift, then today was socks"

"If every offensive series ends with a kick, that's not all bad" (football adage)

"If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs"

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

"If experience was so important, we'd never have had anyone walk on the moon"

"If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?"/"Medicine."

"If figure skating was easy, it would be called hockey"

"If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to slaughter"

"If Friday had a face, I would kiss it"

"If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?"/"A poul-tree."

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them"

"If Gladstone should fall into the Thames, that would be a misfortune..." (political joke)

"If God didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented steak sauce"

"If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"

"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains"

"If God isn't a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?"

"If God wanted us to bend over, He'd have put diamonds on the floor"

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets"

"If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights"

"If graduation can't be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart"

"If avocado is a fruit, is guacamole jam?"

"If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?"

"If gymnastics were easy, it would be called football"

"If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies VERY quietly"

"If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross"

"If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical" (Larry Gelbart)

"If homework is to read something, there is no homework"

"If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only, would they have to change their name to Knockers?"

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas"

"If I'm not home accepting what I can't change, I'm probably out changing what I can't accept"

"If in doubt, do half" (investment adage)

"If it's brown, it's down" (hunting adage)

"If it's far away, it's news. If it's close at home, it's sociology"

"If it's flooded, forget it" (driving on flooded streets)

"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling"

"If it's free, it's for me"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way: if not, you'll find an excuse"

"If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it" (said of Texas weather)

"If it's low, let it go; if it's high, let if fly" (hitting a knuckleball)

"If it's not Boeing, I'm not going"

"If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask 'What did you do?'"

"If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong"

"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid"

"If it’s the elbow, call the surgeon. If it’s the shoulder, call the preacher" (baseball adage)

"If it's too loud, you're too old" (music adage)

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

"If it ain't burnt, momma didn't cook it"

"If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage" (theatre adage)

"If it ain't raining, it ain't training" ("If it ain't raining, we ain't training")

"If it bleeds, it leads"

"If it burns, it earns"

"If it burns, you're getting closer" (fitness adage)

"If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't"

"If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body"

"If it can't be found in Dallas, it can't be found anywhere in the world"

"If it doesn't apply, let it fly" ("If it don't apply, let it fly")

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you"

"If it doesn't look good, don't put it on your front porch"

"If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense"

"If it doesn't open, it's not your door"

"If it doesn't say 'Texas,' it's not Texas Roadhouse" (restaurant slogan)

"If it don't apply, let it fly" ("If it doesn't apply, let it fly")

"If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it"

"If it goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook" (golf saying)

"If it grows, it will stick you; If it crawls, it will bite you"

"If it grows like a weed, it probably is one" (financial proverb)

"If it grows together, it goes together" (food and wine adage)

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it"

"If it involves fireworks, summer nights, barbecues, beer, and freedom, count me in"

"If it is to be, it is up to me"

"If it looks good, it flies good" (aviation adage)

"If it looks like a beer, and tastes like a beer, it must be a beer"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck"

"If it looks like a taco and smells like a fish..." (Fuzzy's Taco Shop in Fort Worth)

"If it looks like piss, smells like piss and tastes like piss -- then it must be Budweiser"

"If it makes dollars, it makes sense" (boxing adage)

"If it moves, it's biology; If it smells, it's chemistry; If it doesn't work, it's physics"

"If it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does" (soccer adage)

"If it moves, tax it"

"If it succeeds, it leads"

"If it swims, serve Fino; if it flies, serve Amontillado; if it runs, serve Oloroso"

"If it tastes good, spit it out" (diet advice)

"If it wasn't for Edison, we'd be watching television by candlelight"

"If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for court dates, I wouldn't be dating at all"

"If it weren't for dogs, some people would never go for a walk"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done"

"If it were a real $20 bill, someone would have picked it off the sidewalk already" (economics joke)

"If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?" (riddle)

If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere

"If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive"

"If I could sell just one..." ("$30,000 pencil" sales joke)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I died and went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work"

"If I don't find a pot of gold today, I'll settle for a pot of coffee"

"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?"

"If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria -- powerhouse of the cell"

"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die"

"If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican's heart -- it's never been used" (joke)

"If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me"

"If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity. Then I’ll have $999,999.75"

"If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem"

"If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive"

"If I had a DeLorean, I'd probably only drive it from time to time"

"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had...does money even matter?"

"If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits"

"If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why"

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you"

"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse..."

"If I had a penny for every time I said 'diet starts tomorrow,' I'd afford lipo"

"If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon"

"If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four of them sharpening my axe"

"If I had some bread, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some ham"

"If I had some ham, I could make a ham sandwich -- if I had some bread"

"If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs -- if I had some eggs"

"If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say, 'Not very good at maths'"

"If I hid a handgun in a bowl of guacamole, would it be called glockamole?"

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake"

"If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that's known as a squid pro quo"

"If I only wanted one drink, I'd go for communion" (bar sign)

"If I owned a diner I’d have a sandwich called 'The Usual' so everyone would feel special"

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" (Philip Sheridan)

"If I pass out, please note my time"

"If I played there, they'd name a candy bar after me" (Reggie!)

"If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel"

"If I put a guitar pick in my pocket, does that make it a pickpocket?"

"If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing"

"If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd fuck a Senator"

"If I want to see clowns at the Garden, I'll just go to a Knicks game"

"If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos"

"If I were a judge, I'd change my surname to Mental"

"If Kentucky ever gets a soccer team, they should obviously be Kentucky FC"

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard"

"If Korean pop is KPop, is Chinese rap Crap?

"If life gives you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic"

"If life hands you gators, make Gatorade"

"If life hands you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys/salsa/tomato sauce"

"If life isn't smiling at you, tickle it"

"If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling"

"If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?"/"The conductor."

"If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come a car behind me honks before the green?"

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" (Valentine's Day joke)

"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

"If maple syrup is tree blood, can vegans and vegetarians eat it?"

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament"

"If Monday had a face, I would punch it"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain pizza"

"If money can fix a problem, then it really isn't a problem"

"If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?"

"If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money talks, then mine must have a speech impediment"

"If money talks, they why do we need bank tellers?"

"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here, either"

"If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on, too"

"If nominated I will not accept, and if elected I will not serve"

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?"

"If not us, who? If not now, when?"

"If number two pencils are so popular, why are they still number two?"

"If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison"

"If one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted"

"If one teacher can't teach every subject, why does one student have to learn them all?"

"If only vegetables smelt as good as bacon"

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door"

"If oranges could talk, what language would they speak?"/"Mandarin."

"If overthinking situations burned calories, I'd be dead"

"If past history is all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians"

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad..."

"If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?"

"If people aren't laughing at your dreams, your dreams aren't big enough"

"If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart"

"If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them"

"If people concentrated on the really important things, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles"

"If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit 'end call,' we would have no friends"

"If people don't appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone"

"If people make you sick, then maybe you should cook them longer"

"If people were influenced by video games, the majority of Facebook users would be farmers by now"

"If pessimism were an Olympic sport, I would still not win it"

"If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste"

"If 'Plan A' doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters"

"If prisoners took their own mug shots, they would be called 'cellfies'"

"If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one"

"If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later"

"If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?”

"If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall" (Santa Claus Rally)

"If 'sat' is the past tense of the word 'sit', then the past tense of 'fit' should be 'fat'"

"If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study"

"If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines"

"If service is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If service is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is below you, leadership is beyond you"

"If serving is beneath you, leadership is beyond you"

"If sex for money makes you a hoe, does sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization?"

"If sex is great exercise, then why are there still fat sluts?"

"If 'shat' is the past tense of 'shit', then 'fat' must be the past tense of 'fit'"

"If sheep could vote, they'd pick the guy who feeds them"

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian"

"If sleep is so important, then why does school start so early?"

"If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?"

"If snow is made of water and water has no calories, how come snowmen are fat?"

"If someone has a pasta fetish, do they call it fetishinni?"

"If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?"

"If someone says that they are short staffed at work, does that mean only midgets work there?"

"If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, stop talking to them"

"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them -- with the flower pot"

"If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away"

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop" (Stein's Law)

"If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is"

"If steak were a religion, this would be its cathedral" (Smith & Wollensky)

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"

"If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales"

"If tea leaves, does coffee have grounds for divorce?"

"If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear"

"If (...) then the terrorists win"

"If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public"

"If there's a bar where everybody knows your name, you're probably an alcoholic"

"If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it is a dartboard on the ceiling"

"If there is a question in a headline, the answer is always no" (journalism adage)

"If these walls could talk"

"If they act like they can live without you, help them do it"

"If they can make penicillin from moldy bread, you can become something"

"If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking"

"If they had just called it 'the stay at home challenge' and posted it on social media..."

"If they liked it once, they'll love it twice" (Broadway adage)

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency..."

"If the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending"

"If the climate were a bank, it would have been saved by now"

"If the coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

"If the customers catch a cold, the manufacturers catch pneumonia"

"If the earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?"

"If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?"

"If the front of your shirt isn't wet, did you ever really wash the dishes?"

"If the good Lord's willin' (and the creeks don't rise)"

"If the government was created to protect our liberties, why do we have to fight...?"

"If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher"

"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd have issued you one"

"If the ocean was whiskey and i was a duck..."

"If the people lead, the leaders will follow"

"If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan, but never the goal"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the recipe sucks, it doesn't matter how good a cook you are"

"If the safety's on, you're good as gone"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili will be good"

"If the wheels aren't turning, you're not earning" (trucking adage)

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"

"If the world didn't suck, we'd all fly into space"

"If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?"

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee"

"If this nameplate isn't on the back of your car, you probably paid too much" (Potamkin car dealers)

"If time heals all wounds, what happens when you get hit in the head with a clock?"

"If time is money, then an ATM is A Time Machine"

"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?"

"If two people are in love nothing is impossible, except deciding where to eat"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"/"An airplane."

"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy"

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

"If wars can be started by lies, then peace can be started by truth"

"If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane"

"If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?"

"If we all just switched to cursive and stick shift cars, we could cripple a generation"

"If we all stay inside a bit longer, then maybe we can starve mosquitos to extinction"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"

"If we are to live together, we have to talk"

"If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy"

"If we can't be equally rich, we can at least be equally poor"

"If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to..."

"If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part"

"If we don't have it, you don't need it" (store sign)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we go to prison for downloading music, I hope they separate us by genre"

"If we had some ham, we could have ham and eggs -- if we had some eggs"

"If we lie to Congress, it’s a felony and if Congress lies to us it’s just politics"

"If winning isn't important, why keep score?"

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars..."

"If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team"

"If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"

"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves"

"If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em"

"If you're allergic to bananas, do you go into bananaphylactic shock?"

"If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're always straightening things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD"

"If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?"/"European."

"If you're bored in New York, it's your own fault"

"If you're down by the schoolyard, stay away from Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona"

"If you're drinking to forget, please pay in advance"

"If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly"

"If you're even, he's leavin'" (speed can't be caught)

"If you're explaining, you're losing"

"If you're going to panic, panic early" (Wall Street proverb)

"If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" (bumper sticker)

"If you're going to shoot the king, don't miss"

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you" (theatre adage)

"If you're good enough, you're old enough" (sports adage)

"If you're having a bad day, an important thing to remember is that no one cares"

"If you're having trouble understanding fractions, don't worry, our helpline is open 24/7"

"If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue"

"If you're homeschooled, all your work is homework"

"If you’re injured, you don’t play; if you play, you’re not injured"

"If you're interested in both red and green curries, does that make you bicurryous?"

"If you're in a cold room, stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees"

"If you're looking for morals in politics, you're looking for bananas in the cheese department"

"If you're looking, you're not cooking" ("If you're lookin', you ain't cookin'")

"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough"

"If you're not angry/confused/mad/outraged, you're not paying attention"

"If you're not at the New Yorker, you're not in New York" (New Yorker hotel)

"If you're not at the table, you're on the menu"

"If you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, if not a conservative at 40 you have no brain"

"If you're not catching flak, you're not over the target"

"If you're not cheating, you're not trying" (sports adage)

"If you're not in the room, then you're not at the table"

"If you're not on a government watchlist by now, you should be ashamed of yourself"

"If you're not paying for it, you are the product"

"If you’re not satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain on the internet"

"If you're not subversive, you're not relevant"

"If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes"

"If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat. Just get on"

"If you're on death row, request Olive Garden's 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl' as a last meal"

"If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you'd better hurry up"

"If you're running to create electricity, then really you're making elLEGtricity"

"If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, remember nobody loves you on any other day"

"If you're sick above the shoulders, run; below the shoulders, don't run" (running adage)

"If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"

"If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room"

"If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated"

“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!” (face mask requirement)

“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!" (face mask requirement)

"If you're white, it's all right"

"If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head. It's capsized"

"If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem. Just accuse them of raise-ism"

"If your coffee order requires more than four words, you're part of the problem"

"If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise"

"If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup"

"If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox"

"If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby after eating wings...not enough hot sauce"

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out"

"If your name is on the building, you're rich"

"If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it"

"If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall"

"If your phone battery lasts all day, it's because nobody likes you"

"If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it"

"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way"

"If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old"

"If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room"

"If you've got it, haunt it"

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person"

"If you've never missed a plane, you've spent too much time in airports"

"If you've seen one chamber of commerce, you've seen one chamber of commerce"

"If you've survived after hitting rock bottom, hardly anything can scare you"

"If you abbreviate in sign language, is it called short hand?"

"If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough"

"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm"

"If you aren't making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough"

"If you are going to tell a lie, tell a big one" (the big lie)

"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country"

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance"

"If you are more fortunate than others, it’s better to build a longer table than a taller fence"

"If you are not coffee, chocolate, or bacon, I'm going to need you to go away"

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you..."

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, do bodybuilders eat mussels?"

"If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies are humans"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies should be a lot smarter"

"If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"

"If you ate today, thank a farmer"

"If you attack the establishment long enough, they make you a member"

"If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you're an eighth theist"

"If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That’s very humerus"

"If you borrow a bottle of wine, are you drinking a loan?"

"If you bought it, a truck brought it"

"If you break both of your legs, don't come running to me"

"If you break it, you bought it" (Pottery Barn rule)

"If you bump your head on a coffee maker, does it leave a brews?"

"If you buy smartwater for $4 a bottle, it's not working"

"If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer"

"If you cannot do great things. do small things in a great way" ("Small things with great love")

"If you can't afford a Dodge, dodge a Ford"

"If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em up" (hockey adage)

"If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter"

"If you can't be happy, at least you can be drunk"

"If you can't bill it, kill it" ("If you can't bill it, it's a hobby")

"If you can't convince them, confuse them"

"If you can't dance, don't blame the dance floor"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets"

"If you can’t drink for three, please leave your place for the professionals" (bar sign)

"If you can't drive to it, don't lend to it"

"If you can't find it on Fifth Avenue, it probably isn't worth finding"

"If you can't find the key to success, pick the lock"

"If you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine"

"If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini; it ain’t worth fixing"

"If you can't get to a good pitcher early, you might not get him" (baseball adage)

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him"

"If you can't innovate, litigate"

"If you can't make both ends meet, make one end a vegetable"

"If you can't open their minds, open their heads"

"If you can't pay cash, you can't afford it"

"If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it"

"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look"

"If you can't say something nice, become a reporter"

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

"If you can't see water, don't order fish"

"If you can't sell what you want, you sell what you can"

"If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of them"

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"

"If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"If you can be anything, be caffeinated"

"If you can breathe, you can do yoga"

"If you can count your money, then go back to work"

"If you can count your money, work harder"

"If you can drink a drink, then why can't you food a food?"

"If you can hit, you can play" (baseball adage)

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it"

"If you can read the New York Times without moving your lips, you're a communist"

"If you can read this, I'm faster than you"

"If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read" (bumper sticker)

"If you can read this, I'm not going fast enough"

"If you can read this, I’m not last!" (runner's T-shirt)

"If you can read this, thank a teacher...and ef yoo kan rid ths yoo prebli ar a teecha"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher; If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier"

"If you can read, you can cook"

"If you can remember Woodstock, you probably weren't there"

"If you can sell. you'll never be unemployed"

"If you can shoot, you can play" (basketball adage)

"If you can smell their fart, you're not far enough apart" (social distancing)

"If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame"

"If you can talk, you can sing" (music adage)

"If you can tell the difference between work and play, you aren't doing one of them right"

"If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record"

"If you can walk, you can dance" (dance adage)

"If you can walk, you can snowshoe"

"If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you chum, they will come" (fishing adage)

"If you combine wine and dinner, the new word is winner"

"If you could beat me, I would know you" (chess saying)

"If you could just rehydrate those raisins, that would be grapes"

"If you cut Alaska in half, Texas is the third largest state"

"If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds"

"If you don't believe in random sampling, go to the doctor for a blood test, have him take it all"

"If you don't fight for what you want, don't cry for what you lose"

"If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours"

"If you don't have an oil well, get one!" (Eddie Chiles of Western Company)

"If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete"

"If you don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't be sad"

"If you don’t hear an offensive lineman’s named called, he is doing a good job" (football adage)

"If you don't hit the reader between the eyes in your first sentence, there's no need to write more"

"If you don't hold it, you don't own it"

"If you don't know coins, know your dealer" (coin collecting adage)

"If you don't know jewelry, know your jeweler"

"If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out"

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly" (gymnastics saying)

"If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor"

"If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people (for having gay babies)"

"If you don't like gay marriage, don't get one"

"If you don't like my Brooklyn attitude, quit talking to me"

"If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird" (Pluckers)

"If you don’t like tacos, I’m nacho type"

"If you don't like the mafia, why don't you join it and change it from the inside?"

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own"

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!"

"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes" (weather saying)

"If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!"

"If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

"If you don’t read a newspaper, you’re uninformed; if you do read one, you’re misinformed"

"If you don't smell it, we ain't got it" (delicatessen sign)

"If you don't stop lying about me, I'll start telling the truth about you"

"If you don’t swear while driving, then you’re not paying much attention to the road at all"

"If you don't take care of your customers, someone else will"

"If you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do"

"If you don't use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car..."

"If you don't vote, don't complain"

"If you do pass the McKinley bill, we shall have to come over to your country and thrash you"

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt"

"If you drink like a fish, swim -- don't drive"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat enough beans, any chair can be musical"

"If you eat falafel with hummus, you are dipping fried chick peas into blended chick peas"

"If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed"

"If you eat it, you wear it"

"If you eat some weed, your taste buds taste buds"

"If you eat too many Little Debbie cakes, you'll become a Big Deborah"

"If you eat too much prison chili, you might lose your right to remain silent"

"If you educate a woman, you educate a nation"

"If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize"

"If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because communication is key"

"If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship"

"If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don't, you might get atrophy"

"If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon"

"If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere"

"If you follow your heart just right, it will get you to New York City"

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you found $5 in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?"/"Someone else's coat."

"If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don't put it on Instagram, did it really happen?"

"If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?"

"If you get heartburn eating birthday cake, try taking the candles off"

"If you get sick in an airport, it might be terminal illness"

"If you Google something and can't find it, there's a 90% chance it doesn't exist"

"If you go far enough to the political left or right you end up in the same place"

"If you had fun, you won" (non-competitive sports)

"If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny..."

"If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut"

"If you hate waking up on Mondays, change your job"

"If you haven't been fired at least once, you haven't worked in radio"

"If you haven’t seen me in a while, I’m fat now. You don’t have to tell me. Thanks in advance"

"If you have a donut in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face or shake hands"

"If you have a message, call Western Union" (theatre adage)

"If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have no business in New York, you have no business being in New York"

"If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever"

"If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an amateur and we can't be friends"

"If you have to ask, then you probably can't afford it" (J. P. Morgan?)

"If you have to purchase a VIP ticket for an event, you probably aren’t an actual VIP"

"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't"

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it"

"If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling"

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?"

"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will believe that it is stupid"

"If you keep a beer in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a drink in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face"

"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up"

"If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans" (1976)

"If you know how to cheat, start now"

"If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster"

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it"

"If you let social media get to you, I can imagine what real life be doing to your ass"

"If you let social media get to you, I can only imagine what real life does to you"

"If you like pinochle otters..." (The Piña Colada Song mondegreen)

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right"

"If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee"

"If you live in New York, you're Jewish" (Lenny Bruce)

"If you look down, you will fall. If you look up, you will fly"

"If you look good, you play good" (sports adage)

"If you look like your passport photo, you need the trip"

"If you lose, be patient. If you win, stay humble"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be"

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back with tacos, it was meant to be"

"If you make 10,000 regulations you destroy all respect for the law"

"If you miss the ball, don't miss the leg" (soccer adage)

"If you mix butter and flour, you'll roux the day"

"If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs..."

"If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first"

"If you need two yards, he'll get you two yards..." (running back joke)

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun"

"If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job"

"If you owe a bank thousands, you have a problem; owe a bank millions, the bank has a problem"

"If you pay for service by the hour, you buy hours and not service"

"If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys"

"If you plant corn, you get corn" (proverb)

"If you play great on Friday nights, then you can play on Saturdays" (football adage)

"If you push Continental breakfast tables together, do you get a Pangaea breakfast?"

"If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?" (joke)

"If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape"

"If you remember the '60s, you weren't really there"

"If you scroll down far enough, we're all on the front page"

"If you see a good move, look for a better one" (chess adage)

"If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you hit him?" (lawyer joke)

"If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don't eat them. It's not chocolate"

"If you see a Swiss banker jumping out of a window, follow him" (Voltaire?)

"If you see a turtle on a fence, he had help getting there"

"If you see me running, call the police"

"If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self employed and having a staff meeting"

"If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference."

"If you see my kids crying outside & picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip"

"If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill"

"If you see something, say something" (safety slogan)

"If you see something, steal something"

"If you see the play happen, you have missed the picture" (sports photography adage)

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop bitching"

"If you see your glass half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop complaining"

"If you shoot it, you eat it" (hunting adage)

"If you sleep with the elephants, you can't cover the circus" (journalism adage)

"If you snooze, you lose"

"If you somehow choke to death on an ice cube, nobody would know how you died"

"If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time"

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"

"If you stay at the table long enough, the chips come to you"

"If you steal things from bartenders, you'll end up behind bars"

"If you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough"

"If you struggle cutting cake, is it still a piece of cake?"

"If you stumble, make it part of the dance"

"If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why"

"If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory"

"If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything"

"If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you lie, it becomes part of your future"

"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It’s lethal"

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where it isn't allowed"

"If you think free speech is dangerous, try living where there isn't any"

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right"

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free"

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"

"If you think lawyer jokes are funny -- next time you're in a jam, call a comedian"

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments"

"If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet"

"If you think practice is boring, try sitting on the bench"

"If you think vegans are easily offended, tell a meat eater you made wings out of cauliflower"

"If you think you're going to hit into a double play, strike out"

"If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad..." (joke)

"If you think your microwave spying on you is bad, your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt"

"If you think you've got nothing to be thankful for...check your pulse"

"If you think you can, you can" (Mary Kay Ash?)

"If you took all the fools out of the Lege, it wouldn't be a representative body"

"If you torture the data long enough, it will confess"

"If you try, you risk failure. If you don’t, you ensure it"

"If you unfriend me and later send another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee"

"If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing..."

"If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar"

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up in a wine bar"

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog"

"If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily"

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

"If you want it bad, you will get it bad"

"If you want snow, schedule a downhill race" (skiing adage)

"If you want something in the paper, that's advertising; you want something kept out, that's news"

"If you want the traffic light to turn green, look for something in your glovebox"

"If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"

"If you want to be a hero, join the fire department" (police saying)

"If you want to build a crowd, start a fight"

"If you want to come in second...follow me!" (running aphorism)

"If you want to fly with the eagles, don't swim with the ducks"

"If you want to get ahead, get a hat"

"If you want to get laid, go to college; if you want an education, go to the library"

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together"

"If you want to have rabbit stew, first catch the rabbit"

"If you want to hide something, put it in writing"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at some of the people he gives it to"

"If you want to lose weight, just fall in love with the wrong person"

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" ("Man plans, God laughs")

"If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map"

"If you want to sell it, crumb it"

"If you want to succeed, double your rate of failure"

"If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep"

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?" (joke)

"If you water water, it grows"

"If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?"

"If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight"

"If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes"

"If you were anti-pencil, would you be erasist?"

"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple"

"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber"

"If you were a vegetable, you'd be a rudeabaga"

"If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex"

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee" (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)

"If you win a year's worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?"

"If you win, be humble. If you lose, be gracious"

"If you win the morning, you win the day" (radio adage)

"If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner"

"If you work at a cemetery, every shift is a graveyard shift"

"If you would be pungent, be brief"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

Iggy (iguana sculpture on the Lone Star Café)

Iggy (iguana sculpture at the Fort Worth Zoo)

"If a homeless person makes something it's not homemade"

IINO (Independent In Name Only)

"It's the silence between the notes that makes the music"

IITYWIMWYBMAD ("If I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?")

"I used to run a pizza restaurant called Calzone, but it folded"

"IKEA is Swedish for divorce"

"IKEA: Legos for adults"

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Illuminutty (Illuminati + nutty)

"I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one"

"I'll be here all week. Try the veal." (stand-up comedian joke)

"I'll be Irish in a few beers"

"I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY..." (joke)

"I'll control my guns. You control your kids"

"I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line"

"I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly"

"(I'll give you my gun when you take it) From my cold, dead hands"

"I'll have a café mocha vodka Valium latte to go, please"

"'I'll have a hot dog,' Tom said frankly"

"I’ll have a rum and coke" (joke)

"I'll have burnt toast and cold coffee" (restaurant customer joke)

"I'll have the mouse, please."/"That's mousse, sir."

"I'll have what she's having!"

"I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass" (Republican-Democrat bipartisanship)

"I’ll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar"

"I’ll never forget where I was when I heard that JFK was shot. Eighth grade history class"

"I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right"

"I'll sign anything except bad legislation" (Kinky Friedman)

"I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you"

"I'll take a Corona, hold the virus" (bar request)

"I'll take the lobster home to dinner" (joke)

"I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it"

"Imagine an atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a 'Honk if you love Jesus' sticker"

"Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion"

"Imagine the audience naked" (theatre saying)

"Imagine with all your mind. Believe with all your heart. Achieve with all your might"

"Imitation crab meat is the hot dog of the sea"

"Imitation crab meat is the string cheese of the sea"

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television"

"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery"

Immoral Robbery Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Impact Festival

Impeach-mint (political flavor)

"Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction"

Imperial Chicken

Imperial Congress

Imposing Misery and Famine (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

IMPOTUS (Impeached President Of The United States)

IMPOTUS (impotent + POTUS)

Impregnable Quadrilateral (golf's four major events)

"Improvement begins with 'I'"

"Improvise, adapt and overcome" (Marine Corps motto)

"I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though"

"I'm addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp"

"I'm aging like a fine banana"

"I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I break out in handcuffs"

"I'm allergic to food. I break out in fat"

"I'm allergic to green onions. Every time I eat them, I break out in chives"

"I'm allergic to rice. I'm basmatic"

"I'm allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm"

"I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower"

"I'm always losing things at work...my glasses, my keys, my will to live..."

"I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma"

"I'm an artist for the government. I draw unemployment"

"I'm an artist. I draw unemployment"

"I'm aspirin' to be a chemist"

"I'm aspirin' to be a doctor"

"I'm aspirin' to be a nurse"

"I’m aspirin' to be a pharmacist"

"I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair"

"I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time"

"I'm awake! Please respect my privacy during this very difficult time"

"I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing"

"I'm a big fan of air circulation"

"I'm a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine"

"I'm a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house"

"I'm a graduate, so a thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains"

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. I'm here to protect your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a lawyer. It's my job to defend your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating"

"I'm a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear"

"I'm a magician who steals candy bars. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve"

"I'm a nurse. I'm here to save your ass, not kiss it"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows"

"I'm a socialist drinker" (joke)

"I'm a social drinker. Every time someone says 'I'll have a drink,' I say 'Social I'"

"I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet"

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, but because I hate plants"

"I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become"

"I'm a woman. I have needs. Pass me the wine"

"I'm a writer. Anything you say or do may be used in a story"

"I'm a writer. If I seem cold, it's because I'm surrounded by drafts"

"I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen"

"I'm being held momentarily by the train dispatcher" (joke)

"I'm broke and I have a college degree to prove it"

"I'm calling in sick because of an eye problem. I can't see myself coming in to work"

"I'm combining Easter and April Fools' Day. I'm sending the kids to look for eggs I haven't hidden"

"I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications"

"I'm convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers"

"I’m convinced that leaning forward while playing video games substantially improves performance"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple"

"I'm crazy about the Big Apple" (1976 ad campaign)

"I'm crazy? I want a second opinion!"/"You're ugly, too."

"I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fu cologne"

"I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts: Leave me the fuck cologne"

"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red"

"I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is"

"I'm drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver"

"I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future"

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days"

"I'm excited that the phrase 'get the fuck away from me' is no longer rude but a PSA"

"I'm from New York. We don't keep calm"

"I’m from New York, where people say 'you’re welcome' to remind you to say 'thank you'"

"I'm from Texas. What country are you from?"

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you"

"I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes"

"I’m getting way too comfortable looking this ugly all the time"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month" (joke)

"I'm giving up drinking for Lent and giving up Lent for St. Patrick's Day"

"I'm glad 'feta' isn't the plural of 'fetus.' If it were, I might have to stop eating Greek salads"

"I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes"

"I'm going bananas...is what I say to my bananas before leaving the house"

"I'm going off the grid" (said when not taking a phone to the bathroom)

"I’m going through a lot right now. I can't seem to find a parking spot"

"I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."/"Is that a fret?"

"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate"

"I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits" (joke)

"I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year. He was easy to get a lawn with"

"I'm going to open a Vietnamese soup/Southern barbeque restaurant and call it Phở Que"

"I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!"

"I'm going to the strip club. The chicken strip club. I mean Chick-Fil-A"

"I'm going to unlike this page. Right after I post about unliking this page..."

"I'm gonna be a Social Justice Warrior for Halloween" (joke)

"I'm good at everything except modesty"

"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once"

"I'm having an out-of-money experience"

"I'm having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited"

"I'm having fruit salad for dinner..." (wine joke)

"I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek league. Good players are hard to find"

"I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy right now"

"I'm hungry."/"Hi hungry. I'm Dad."

"I'm into auto-cannibalism. People say I'm full of myself"

"I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album"

"I'm in a pirate-themed band. We can't stop writing hooks"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut"

"I'm just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be 3 tacos and 2 margaritas"

"I'm just a man, a man struggling to open a plastic vegetable bag at the grocery store"

"I'm just here for the beer"

"I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its power for good or evil today"

"I'm just waiting to see if my coffee uses its powers for good or evil today"

"I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up"

"I'm leaving office to spend more time with my family" (political scandal excuse)

"I'm like horse manure in a rodeo (i.e., everywhere)" (Liz Smith)

"I'm looking for a girl who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for a tall, dark, rich cup of coffee"

"I'm looking for a woman who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm looking for someone who loves me for my money, but isn't good at math"

"I'm majoring in pre-rich"

"I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of Skittles"

"I'm not above calling in sick from the parking lot"

"I'm not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking" (Cinco de Mayo joke)

"I’m not adding this year 2020 to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it"

"I’m not afraid to die...I’m afraid to live on my knees in a world run by lesser men..."

"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; I'm a drunk, we go to parties"

"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a bartender who works from home"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks"

"I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience"

"I'm not a member of any organized political party -- I'm a Democrat"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things"

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are"

"I'm not a wine snob. I'm just an awesommelier" (awesome + sommelier)

"I'm not a wino, I'm a 'why-yes'"

"I'm not a wiNO. I'm a wineYES!"

"I'm not broke. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not cheap. I'm frugal"

"I'm not confused -- I'm only well-mixed"

"I'm not drinking anymore (but I'm not drinking any less, either)"

"I'm not fat -- I'm cultivating mass"

"I'm not fat -- I'm fluffy"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just big boned"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just easy to see"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just so sexy, it overflows"

"I'm not fat -- just short for my weight"

"I'm not fat -- my stomach is just in 3D"

"I'm not gaining weight -- I'm retaining food"

"I'm not going outside until temperature is above my age"

"I'm not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I'm not homophobic. I'm not afraid of my house!"

"I'm not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat"

"I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode"

"I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a client" (Hair Club for Men)

"I'm not overweight -- I'm undertall"

"I'm not poor. I'm pre-rich"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not running away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present."/"You're the lawyer."/"Where's my present?"

"I'm not slow. I'm just getting my money's worth from the entry fee"

"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them"

"I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?"

"I’m not sure if I’m hungry, but I’m gonna eat anyway, just in case"

"I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice" (joke)

"I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager"

"I'm not unemployed -- I'm a consultant"

"I'm not unemployed, I'm NSFW"

"I'm not yawning. I'm doing face yoga"

"I'm no good at hunting mushrooms, but I can provide morel support"

"I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I'm changing the things I cannot accept"

"I'm no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?"

"I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called 'hieroglyphics'"

"I'm only a morning person on December 25th"

"I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand"

"I'm only speeding because I really have to poop" (bumper sticker)

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!"

"I'm on cloud wine"

"I'm on my way to work... PLEASE KILL ME"

"I’m on the third cheat year of my diet"

"I'm overpaying him, but he's worth it"

"I'm planning on being spontaneous sometime next week"

"I’m pretty sure it’s easier to leave most street gangs than it is to cancel a gym membership"

"I'm proud to pay taxes; I could be just as proud for half the money"

"I'm putting my grades up for adoption because I can't raise them myself"

"I'm really glad they made the Children's Aid Society" (Children's Aid Society jingle)

"I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore. I don’t know where sandwiches liv

"I'm really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans"

"I'm retired. Every day is Saturday"

"I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today"

"I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. All my friends are office supplies"

"I'm running out of unproductive things to do at work"

"I am scared of non-alcoholic lager. It must be a faux beer"

"I'm selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years"

"I'm sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone"

"I'm sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It's like the spinach inquisition!"

"I’m single AF and the AF stands for And Fat. I’m just single and fat"

"I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I’m so broke, I can only afford Bottom Ramen"

"I'm so happy I don't drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around"

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider"

"I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention"

"I’m so strong I can lift a house! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I’m so strong I can lift buildings! Well, only if it’s a lighthouse"

"I'm so tempted to do a musical joke. But I'll refrain"

"I’m so unfamiliar with my gym that I have started calling it Mr. James"

"I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going"

"I’m starting to miss people I don’t even like" (2019-20 coronavirus lockdown)

"I'm starvin' like Marvin" (Starvin' Marvin)

"I’m still single on Star Wars Day. Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places"

"I’m stuck between 'I need to save money' & 'You only live once'"

"I'm such an expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook"

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -- I don't know if I'm coming or going"

"I'm the straw that stirs the drink" (Reggie Jackson)

"I'm thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field"

"I'm thinking about running a marathon again" (joke)

"I'm too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener"

"I'm too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I've put on, like, 130 pounds since then"

"I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time"

"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!"

"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes"

"I'm using food in my magic act, crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts, then...pesto!"

"I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges"

"I’m well-prepared for a cashless society. Having kids already has me there"

"I'm with stupid"

"I’m wondering... What should I wear to the couch tonight?" (quarantine joke)

"I'm working on my résumé. Should I use 'mad skillz' or would 'mad skills' be more formal?"

Incandescent District (Broadway)

"Inch by inch, it's a cinch; yard by yard, it's hard; mile by mile, it's a trial"

INCH (I'm Never Coming Home) Bag

Income Reduction Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

"Income tax has been defined as the fine we pay for reckless thriving"

"Incompetence is a double-edged banana"

"Incongruous: Where bills are passed"

Incorrect Promise (euphemism for "lie")

"Indecision is the key to flexibility"

"Independence Day -- celebrating the country by blowing up a small part of it"

"Indescribably delicious"

Indiana: Hoosier Hoopla (basketball)

Indiana: Hoosier Hysteria (basketball)

Indiana: "If the kitchen's in the house and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?"

Indiana: Indiana Insanity (basketball)

Indiana: Midwest Madness (basketball)

"Indict a ham sandwich"

Industrial Business Zone (IBZ)

Ineptocracy (inept + democracy)

"Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself"

Infernal Revenue Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Infinity Apple (GreeNYC symbol, 2007)


Inflation Eve (balloon-inflating for Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade)

"Inflation is legalized robbery"

"Inflation is robbery"

"Inflation is theft. Taxation is robbery"

"Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet"

"Inflation is when you pay $10 for the $5 haircut you used to get for $2 when you had hair"

"Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got"

Infodemic (information + epidemic)

"Information is power, but like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves"

"Information is the most precious commodity on Wall Street"

Infowhores (Infowars + whores)

Info Babe or Infobabe (woman in television news broadcasting)

"Ingredients for Life" & "Your Remarkable Store" (Randalls slogans)

Inner Circle

"Innovate or die"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"

"Insect protein is a locust alternative to meat"

"Insert coffee to begin"

Inside Baseball

"Inside every sportswriter is a frustrated athlete"

"Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence"

"Insomnia -- the art of falling asleep just as your alarm goes off to start the day"

"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working"

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is just scrapbooking for millennials"

"Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside"

"Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read"

"Instagram would've been a great name for a cocaine delivery service"

"Instant asshole -- just add alcohol" ("Instant jackass -- just add alcohol")

Instant Classic

"Instant human -- just add coffee"

"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar" (joke)

"Instead of cashiers saying 'here’s your receipt' they should say 'will you throw this away?'"

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks"

"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. That way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim"

"Instead of saying 'real life,' we should just call it 'offline'"

"Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution"

"Instrument of the Immortals" (Steinway & Sons)

"Insurance covers everything except what happens"

Insurance District

"Insurance is sold, not bought"

"Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, until you realize it was your money to start with"

"Intelligence is like underwear -- have it, but don't show it off"

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intensity builds immensity" (bodybuilding adage)

"Interest on debt grows without rain"

Internal Rectal Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Revenge Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Rotten Scoundrels (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

International Dance Festival

International Mafia Federation (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Misery Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Mother Fuckers (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"Internet. It can censor everything about conspiracy theories, but can’t get rid of child porn"

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internet killed the video star" ("Internet killed the video store")

"Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck"

"Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your résumé? Me: I fell asleep on the space key."

"Interviewer: Your reference letters said that you take things too literally" (joke)

"Interviewer: Your resume says you used to be in the theatre" (joke)

"Intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it"

Invaders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"Investigate, then invest" (Wall Street saying)

"Investing is simple, but it's not easy"

"Invest in people who invest in you"

"Invest in what you know best" (Wall Street adage)

"Invest in your passions"

Invisible Fist (invisible hand + fist)

Invisible Government

Inwoodite (inhabitant of Inwood, Manhattan)

"In 20 years, this country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers"

"In America, dogs are k-9s. But in China, dogs are e-10"

"In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you"

In-and-Out List

"In a bear market, money returns to its rightful owners" (Wall Street proverb)

"In a city of eight million sundials, nobody has any idea how long a minute is"

"In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your count votes"

"In a dog-eat-dog market, get yourself a big dog"

"In a financial crisis, all correlations go to one"

"In a relationship with food"

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

"In a zombie apocalypse, vegans will be the first to be eaten because they're organic"

"In boring classes, I always improve my drawing skills"

"In boxing, you fight over a belt and a purse"

"In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack" (joke)

"In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry" (joke)

"In confusion there is profit"

"In court, your fate is in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to escape jury duty"

"In Crust We Trust"

"In dog beers, I've only had one"

"In economics, two people can win a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing"

"In every language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast"

"In February, your daily rent is more expensive than in all other months"

"In for a dime, in for a dollar"

"In God we trust. All others must bring data"

"In God we trust (all others pay cash)"

"In God we trust. All others we polygraph"

"In grade school it's called bullying, but when you get older it's called upper level management"

"In Hitler's defence, he did kill Hitler"

"In Hitler's defense, he did kill Hitler"

"In hockey, goaltending is 75 percent of the game -- unless it's bad goaltending"

"In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension"

"In Iowa, they pick corn; in New Hampshire, they pick presidents"

"In journalism, the pay might be low and the hours long, but at least everyone hates you"

"In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice"

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate"

"In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot. It's your choice"

"In light of plummeting oil prices, Exxon Mobil plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In light of the collapsing economy, JPMorgan plans to lay off several members of Congress"

"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current"

"In most cases, cell phones won't crack when you drop them"

"In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted 'last call'"

"In my defense, I was left unsupervised"

"In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right"

"In my spare time, I help blind children" (joke)

"In New York, it's not whether you win or lose — it's how you lay the blame"

In New York they ask, how much is he worth?

"In New York, you can have a great job, a great apartment and a great companion, but not all three"

"In our house it really should be called a cooking detector"

"In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods"

"In pizza we crust"

"In politics, good gets better and bad gets worse"

"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens you can bet it was planned that way."

"In politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In response to the murder hornets, police are using the SWAT team to set up a sting operation"

"In Russia, they call it Nyetflix" (nyet + Netflix)

"In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus"

"In school, kids are grouped by date of manufacture"

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

"In the ballpark" ("In the ball park," also "In the same ballpark," "In the right ballpark")

"In the beginning, a patriot is a scarce man, hated, feared and scorned"

"In the binary system, we count on our fists instead of on our fingers"

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience"

"In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield"

"In the circle of life you can find happiness in every corner"

"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice, then he made politicians"

"In the mix like Chex"

"In the money"

"In the playoffs, your best players have to be your best players"

"In the pool, life is cool, swimmers rule"

"In the pursuit of excellence, there is no finish line"

"In the recipe of life, doubt makes an excellent ingredient, but a lousy meal"

"In the red" (loss) & "In the black" (profit); Red Ink & Black Ink

"In the restaurant: 'Would you like a table?' 'No, a lamp for 5 please.'"

"In the soup"

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of baseball"

"In the stock market, there's a fine line between being wrong and being early"

"In the weeds"

"In this kitchen we dance"

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these"

"In victory, you deserve champagne; in defeat, you need it"

"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas" ("In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is joy")

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers"

"In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times"

"In Washington, the scandal isn't what's illegal; the scandal is what's legal"

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" (Polish joke)

"In what key does the ghost play piano?"/"In the spoo-key."

"In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria"

Iota Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

I.O.U.S.A. (IOU + USA)

Iowa: "As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa"

Iowa: Full Grassley (politician visiting each county)

Iowa: Idiots Out Wandering Around (backronym)

Iowa: "Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents"

Iowa: I Oughta Went Around (backronym)

Iowa: I Owe the World an Apology (backronym)

Iowa: "Three tickets out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"IPAs are just pumpkin spice lattes for white men"

"IPA lot when I drink"

Iraq (LeFrak City); Kuwait (Queensbridge)

Irish Amnesia or Irish Alzheimer's (to forget everything but the grudge)

Irish Coffee (Gaelic Coffee)

Irish Grape (potato)

Irish Handcuffs (alcoholic drinks in both hands)

"Irish I was drunk" ("Irish I were drunk")

Irish Nachos

Irish Riviera (Breezy Point)

Irish Soda Bread

"Irish stew...in the name of the law" (knock-knock joke)

Irish Turkey (corned beef and cabbage)

"Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day" (knock-knock joke)

"Irony is drawing a tree on paper, with a pencil, on a wooden desk, in a wooden house, in the woods"

"Irony is when you write 'save trees' on a piece of paper"

Iron Maiden or HEET (High Entrance/Exit Turnstile)

Iron Pipeline (I-95)

Iron Triangle

Iron Triangle (Willets Point)


"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got"

Irvingite (inhabitant of Irving)

"Irving Berlin has no place in American music. He IS American music"

"Islander goal!" (hockey catchphrase)

Island of Misfit Toys (Harry Chapin Playground, Brooklyn Heights)

Isle of Tears or Island of Hope (Ellis Island Immigration Station)

Islosers (Islanders + losers)

"Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?" (joke)

"Isn't it weird how the internet cannot eliminate child pornography, but can censor facts"

"Isn't Texas cute?" (Alaskan T-shirt)

Isobeard (isolation + beard)

Isolationship (isolated + relationship)

Israeli Double Standard Time

Israeli Film Festival

"Is America cursed because it's built on an ancient Indian burial ground?"

"Is anything okay?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Is a cul-de-sac a spoon in the road?"

"Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?"

"Is a hot dog a sandwich?" (debate question)

"Is a line outside a Vietnamese restaurant a pho queue?"

"Is a subpar golfer good or bad?"

"Is Betteridge's law of headlines correct?" (headline joke)

"Is Brooklyn still in the league?" (1934)

"Is chicken soup good for your health?"/"Not if you're the chicken!"

"Is corn the only thing that’s delicious after it explodes?"

"Is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism?"

"Is Google a woman? Because it won't let you finish without coming up with other suggestions"

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces 'nice car'?"

"Is it Friday yet?"

"Is it okay to bring marijuana brownies to pot luck dinner?"

"Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?"

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

"Is it soup yet?"

"Is it still considered wine tasting if I’m on my third glass?"

"Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

"Is it whiskey?"/"Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

"Is raising chickens hard work?"/"It sure is. You have to work around the cluck."

"Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is that a custard or a meringue?"/"You’re not wrong. It’s a custard."

"Is that coffee I smell?"/"It is, and you do."

"Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?"

"Is that you or the beer talking?" (joke)

"Is that you or the wine talking?" (joke)

"Is there a criminal lawyer in this town?" (lawyer joke)

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?"

"Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?"

"Is there baseball in heaven?" (joke)

"Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?"

"Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out" (property sign)

"Is the sex offender registry where sex offenders sign up for gifts?"

"Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks? I guess we'll know when the time comes"

"Is this meat really wild?"/"Yes sir, it was absolutely furious when we shot it."

"Is this real life or is this just Fanta sea?"

"Is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" (joke)

Italian Hot Dog

Italian Ice

Italian Sandwich

Italian Sandwich ("big sandwich" from Angelo Basso)

Ithaca: "Ithaca is 10 square miles, surrounded by reality"

Ithaca: Ithaca is Gorges (slogan)

"It'll be greater later" (motivational saying)

"It'll get greater later" (motivational saying)

"It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?"

"It's 110 degrees, but it's a dry heat" (Texas heat joke)

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward" (boxing adage)

"It's about time I got out of that cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's about time I got out of this cookie" (fortune cookie message)

"It's all about the rings" (winning championships over money)

"It's all right to drink like a fish — if you drink what a fish drinks"

"It's always better to be a pallbearer than to be a body"

"It's always better to sacrifice your opponent's pieces" (chess adage)

"It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!"

"It's a child, not a choice"

"It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it"

"It's a free country!"

"It's a good book, but everyone gets killed in the end" (Pete Gent on Dallas Cowboys playbook)

"It's a good day when you're looking down at the grass instead of up at the roots"

"It's a great day for a baseball game -- let's play two!"

"It's a great day to curl up with a book, then ignore it because, ya know, the internet"

"It's a great game, but a crappy business"

"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish"

"It's a legal system, not a justice system"

It's A Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

"It's a slow process, but quitting won't speed it up"

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it"

"It's a Texas Thing" ("It's a Texas Thang")

"It's been one hell of a party" (Larry McMurtry's "Lonesome Dove")

"It's better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six" (police saying)

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

"It's better to know the judge than to know the law"

"It’s better to sweat in the gym than to bleed in the streets"

"It's breakfast time somewhere"

"It's called 'celery' because 'cold, wet plant bones' takes too long"

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it"

"It's cheaper to send a kid to Yale than it is to jail"

"It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve"

"It's coffee o'clock"

"It's crooked, but it's the only game in town"

"It's darkest before dawn, so that's the best time to steal a neighbor's newspaper"

"It's difficult to say what my wife does. She sells sea shells by the sea shore"

"It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled"

"It's easier to get to the top than it is to stay there"

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the express lane"

"It's five o'clock somewhere" (drinking saying)

"It's Friday...any plan of being a productive member of society is officially thrown out the window"

"It's Friday!!!! Sorry, just practicing for tomorrow"

"It’s Friday, time to go make stories for Monday"

"It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies"

"It's great to be young and a Yankee"

"It's happy hour somewhere"

"It's harder to defend a title than it is to win it"

"It's hard to beat a team three times in one season" (sports adage)

"It's IKEA's birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk"

"It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money" (poker adage)

"It's impossible to predict the past" (joke)

"It's impossible to run with a backpack without looking like an idiot"

"It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving"

"It's ironic that pregnant women drink virgin cocktails"

"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one"

"It's just a hill -- get over it!" (running and cycling aphorism)

"It's just a job. I beat people up" (boxing)

"It's kind of funny how there's never lines at water park restrooms"

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"

"It's like I'm 16 again. $5 is gas money & we all grounded" (quarantine joke)

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"

"It's Monday. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, teachers. Put on your capes"

"It's More Bueno" (Taco Bueno)

It's Mostly Fiscal or It's Mainly Fiscal (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"It's never been worth zero!" (gold advertisement)

"It's never good when a safety is your team's leading tackler" (football adage)

"It's never too early to change the oil" (automotive adage)

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

"It's nice to see Blood oranges and Cripps apples side-by-side in harmony in produce"

"It's not a matter of what is true that counts, but a matter of what is perceived to be true"

"It's not a stock market, but a market of stocks" (Wall Street saying)

"It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it, then feel really sad around 8 p.m."

"It's not brain surgery"

"It’s not drinking alone if the dog is home"

"It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant"

"It's not failure. It's unfinished success"

"It's not fair that coffee stains your teeth brown, but milk doesn't stain them white"

"It's not fall without football" (autumn saying)

"It's not fitness. It's life" (Equinox)

"It's not government work unless you have to do it twice"

"It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere"

"It's not how big the house is. It's how happy the home is"

"It's not how big you are, it's how big you play"

"It's not how good you are. It's how bad you want it"

"It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be"

"It's not how you drive; it's how you arrive" (golf adage)

"It's not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes"

"It's not over until you shake hands" (hockey, tennis adage)

"It's not rocket salad"

"It's not rocket science"

"It's not the crime, it's the cover-up"

"It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours"

"It's not the minutes at the table that make you fat -- it's the seconds"

"It’s not the will to win that matters—everyone has that. It’s the will to prepare to win"

"It's not the X's and O's, it's the Jimmys and Joes"

"It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on"

"It's not what is poured into a student that counts, but what is planted"

"It's not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's that makes you fat..."

"It's not what you know, but who you know"

"It's not what you make, it's what you keep"

"It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame"

"It's not who you know, it's whom you know"

"It's not your job to like me -- it's mine"

"It's not your job to love me -- it's mine"

"It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be"

"It's no long a question of staying healthy; it's finding a sickness you like"

"It's no longer called 'box wine' -- the classy term is 'Cardboardeaux'"

"It's offensive when cashiers look at money like it's fake" (joke)

"It’s officially 'once I’m home I’m not going out again' season"

"It's often hard to discern the difference between Texas Tough and Texas Stupid" (Molly Ivins)

"It's okay password, I'm insecure too"

"It's OK not to be OK. Some days are just harder than others"

"It's only a gambling addiction if you keep losing. Otherwise, it's a high paying career"

"It's only money"

"It's only physics if it's from the Physique region of France. Otherwise it's just sparkling math"

"It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France" (joke)

"It's only the ball that's soft" (softball saying)

"It's only Tuesday? Monday took so long, I thought it was Wednesday!"

"It's our currency, but it's your problem" ("It's our dollar, but it's your problem")

It's Probably Overpriced (Initial Public Offering or IPO nickname)

"It’s Question Period, not Answer Period"

"It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake"

"It's Saturday! The only decision you need to make is bottle or glass"

"It's sherbert day" (sherbet + birthday)

"It's showtime!" ("It's show time!")

"It's showtime at the Apollo" (Harlem's Apollo Theater)

"It's sick out there and getting sicker" (Bob Grant)

"It's smart to be thrifty" (Macy's); "Nobody undersells Gimbels" (Gimbels)

"It's smart to save money; some day it may be worth something"

"It's so dry, the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens" (Texas heat joke)

'It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the trees are whistling for dogs" (heat joke)

"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem"

"It's so strange to think that before Facebook, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's so strange to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads"

"It's strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down"

"It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread"

"It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother — the world calls her grandmother"

"It's tea time somewhere"

"It's the economy, stupid"

"It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good"

"It's the Jewish new year 5768 and I still write 5767 on my checks" (joke)

"It's the last thing you take off and the first thing that is noticed" (cowboy hat)

"It's the most wonderful time to drink beer"

"It's the notes you don't play that matter" (jazz adage)

"It's the punch you don't see coming that knocks you out" (boxing adage)

"It's the thought that counts"

"It's Thursday, or as I like to call it: Day 4 of the hostage situation"

"It's Thursday, which is 'Friday Eve' in Optimisian"

"It's time, not timing" (Wall Street adage)

"It's too bad that banks don't ever hand out free samples"

"It's unlucky to be behind at the end of a game"

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office"

"It's very difficult to beat the market when you are the market"

"It's weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It’s weird to think that before Facebook, all of this dumb stuff stayed in people’s heads"

"It's weird to think that before Twitter, all of this dumb shit just stayed in people's heads"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts"

"It ain't no thing but a chicken wing"

"It ain't over 'til it's over" ("It's not over until it's over")

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility"

"It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies..."

"It always rains at the end of a long dry spell" (weather joke)

"It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road"

"It costs more to be poor"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me"

"It doesn't matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up"

"It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill, as long as you don’t lose the cow"

"It doesn't matter how ready you think you are. The toaster will scare you"

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full..."

"It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose"

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose"

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority"

"It feels really unnatural to eat a Skittle without looking at its color first"

"It gets greater later" (motivational saying)

"It gets late early out there"

"It happened! I finally got laid...... Off"

"It hurts now, but one day it will be your warm up"

"It isn't sex that wrecks these players, it's staying up all night looking for it"

"It isn't that I'm not a people person. It's just that I'm not a stupid people person"

"It isn't the holly, it isn't the snow. It isn't the tree nor the firelight's glow" (Christmas poem)

"It isn't what happens to you, but how you react to it, that determines your life"

"It is 4 o'clock on Wall Street -- do you know where your money is?"

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education"

"It is better to live one year as a lion than 100 years as a sheep"

"It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't"

"It is easier to start a war than to end it"

"It is harder for a poor man to enter the United States Senate than for a rich man to enter Heaven"

"It is high! It is far! It is gone!" (baseball home run call)

"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible"

"It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow"

"It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission"

"It is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side"

"It is only after a man gets rich that he discovers how many poor relatives he has"

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government"

"It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority"

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press"

"It is wiser to choose what you say than to say what you choose"

"If it's in stock, we have it" (store sign)

"It it jiggles, it's fat"

"It just takes one team to draft you" (player draft adage)

"It looks like a toothpick in a pie" (J. Frank Dobie on UT tower)

"It may be dangerous to be America's enemy, but to be America's friend is fatal"

"It may be Friday the 13th, but it is still Friday and a reason to dance"

"It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about food"

"It may not be PC to say this, but I like Apple products"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy"

"It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks"

"It never occurs to politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting"

"It never rains on a golf course"

"It only takes two to make an auction" (auction adage)

"It pays to advertise" (advertising adage)

"It rains on both sides of the field" (football adage)

"It rains on rich and poor alike, but the rich have better umbrellas"

"It seems unfair that elevators have music, but stairs do not have music"

"It Shines For All" (New York Sun)

"It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper... We’ve all gone bat, shit, crazy"

"It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something"

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan"

"It takes a flood to break a drought"

"It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do"

"It takes a lot of beer to make good wine"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a distillery to home school one"

"It takes a village to raise a child...and a vineyard to home school one"

"It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow"

"It takes four persons to dress a salad..."

"It takes good hitters to be a good hitting coach" (baseball adage)

"It takes guts to make a sausage"

"It takes money to make money" ("You've got to spend money to make money")

"It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly"

"It takes nine months to make a baby, no matter how many people you put on the job"

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk -- usually the fourth one"

"It takes ten years to become an overnight success"

"It took me a long time to figure out I'm a slow learner"

"It used to be called 'House Depot' until they filled it with love"

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark" (planning proverb)

"It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it"

"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers"

"It was meaty okra" (mediocre)

"It was raining cats and dogs and I stepped in a poodle"

"It was so cold in New York that, in Central Park, I saw a squirrel salting his nuts"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a gangsta pull his pants up"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the Central Park ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that the flashers were only describing themselves"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in Washington that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold outside that I farted snowflakes"

"It was so cold that Dunkin' Donuts was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that grandpa's teeth chattered -- and they were still in the glass"

"It was so cold that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I enjoyed it when someone spilled hot coffee on my lap"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that opticians were giving away ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses"

"It was so cold that pickpockets were sticking hands in strangers' pockets to keep them warm"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that the cops were tasering themselves"

"It was so cold that the Times Square hookers charged $20 just to blow on your hands"

"It was so cold that we didn't clean the house -- we just defrosted it"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords"

"It was so hot in New York that fat guys were making their own gravy"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw squirrels fanning their nuts"

"It was so hot in New York that I saw two people give each other personal space"

"It was so hot in New York that I walked past Grant's Tomb -- and the door was open"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was the best of shires, it was the Worcestershire’s"

"It was the best of shires, it was the worst of shires" (Worcestershire’s)

"It will fluctuate" (J. Pierpont Morgan?)

"It will take an act of Congress" (idiom)

"I've always wanted to get a manatee."/"Thank you. Two sugars, please"

"I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread"

"I've bean thinking about you a latte"

"I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing. The neighbors want it back"

"I've been cutting carbs lately -- with a pizza cutter"

"I've been exercising using dictionaries, and I'm finally starting to see some definition"

"I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program"

"I've been hitting 'remind me tomorrow' on a computer update for the last 68 years"

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days"

"I've been on hold so long that I can't remember who I've called"

"I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better"

"I've been thrown out of better places than this!"

"I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but good players are hard to find"

"I've been watching the Origami Channel. It's paper view"

"I've benedicted to Eggs Benedict"

"I’ve combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip'"

"I've come to the conclusion buying art supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've come to the conclusion buying craft supplies and actually using them are two separate hobbies"

"I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B"

"I've decided to start calling my toilet Jim instead of John. I go to the Jim every morning"


"I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering"

"I've done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work"

"I've failed math so many times I can't even count"

"I've given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family"

"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock"

"I've got a fruit fetish. Well, that's according to my currant girlfriend"

"I’ve got a funny joke about gymnastics, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

"I've got a job as part of a human chess board. I'm on knights this week"

"I’ve got a joke about yoga, but it’s a bit of a stretch"

"I've got a million of 'em" (comedy saying)

"I've got a pen and a phone" (executive authority)

"I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex"

"I've got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon"

"I've got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday"

"I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. Doctor says it's terminal"

"I've got to stay home. I have a case of anal blindness..." (work joke)

"I've grown to hate low ceilings"

"I’ve had so much coffee today I can see noises"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"

"I've just booked a table for Valentine's Day. I hope she likes pool"

"I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery. I'm in a world of pain"

"I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn't do sundaes"

"I've just opened a shop selling telescopes. Business is looking up"

"I've just seen a very confusing book -- 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'"

"I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good. I'm on knights this week"

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down"

"I've never been able to count to ten in French because of my huit allergy"

"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's like when the waiter brings your food"

"I’ve never seen a juice box, but I hear they pack a punch"

"I've never seen a tombstone that said, 'Died from not forwarding a chain email'"

"I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That's just beneath me"

"I've never understood the point in fire blankets" (joke)

"I've noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed"

"I've reached the age where 'Happy Hour' is a nap"

"I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty"

"I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant. Absolute game changer"

"I’ve robbed banks before…and they’re never getting their pens back"

"I’ve spent 2 weeks hanging out with myself and i am so sorry to every person i spent time with"

"I've started cross fit. I cross my fingers and hope my pants fit"

"I’ve started telling about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s about raisin awareness"

"I've studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand"

"I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux collie"

"I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes"

"I've worn this for 20 years and it still fits."/"It's a scarf."

"i 8 sum Pi...and it was delicious" (math joke)

"I accidentally blew up my chemistry lab in high school. Oxidants happen!"

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course. I'm really struggling to get out of it"

"I accidentally bought too many art supplies. I'm having an excess stencil crisis"

"I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow"

"I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, E-Daisies"

"I accidentally swallowed some food coloring and dyed a little inside"

"I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces" (joke)

"I actually have a lot of jokes about potatoes, I just don’t know where to starch"

"I actually like driving alone because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row"

"I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle"

"I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"

"I always give 100%. Which is why I lost my job as an exam marker"

"I always have a quotation for everything -- it saves original thinking"

"I always pick the checkout aisle with the most attractive cashier. The self-checkout"

"I always start my diet on the same day -- tomorrow"

"I always thought growing lettuce would be hard. Turns out it's not rocket science"

"I always thought the record would stand until it was broken"

"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back"

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

"I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants"

"I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to"

"I am a bean; I am very lean" (food riddle)

"I am a firm believer in the people; if given the truth, they can meet any national crisis"

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it"

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back"

"I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?"/"McDonald’s ice cream machine."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally"

"I am in shape. Round is a shape."

"I am known at the gym as the 'before picture'"

"I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon"

"I am not a glutton, but I am an explorer of food"

"I am not a shopaholic. I am helping the economy"

"I am not bound to win, but I'm bound to be true"

"I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?"

"I am not going outside until the temperature is above my age"

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept"

"I am pushing sixty -- that is enough exercise for me"

"I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet"

"I am self employed. If you see me talking to myself, do not disturb. I'm having a staff meeting"

"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them"

"I am tired of being a part of a major historical event" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

"I am transfinancial. I'm a rich man trapped in a poor man's body"

"I am writing a book. It is called 'I have a job'. It is a working title"

"I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, then don’t go. It’s a running joke"

"I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii"

"I asked a museum worker if I could take pictures. He said they stay on the walls"

"I asked a Walmart worker where I could find the nuts. He said they're in the toilet paper aisle"

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it's rare"

"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper? She said they're old school" (joke)

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain"

"I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!"

"I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call" (joke)

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the waitress for a 'quickie' and she slapped me" (quiche joke)

"I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sitting next to a screaming baby" (joke)

"I ate at a family restaurant. Every table had an argument going"

"I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious!"

"I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever"

"I ate so much okra I slid out of bed!" or "I couldn't keep my socks up!"

"I ate the exam paper. Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test"

"I ate too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel"

"I hate to waste sick days actually being sick"

"I (Babe Ruth) had a better year than he (President Hoover) did"

"I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four"

"I bake because punching people is frowned upon"

"I beat anorexia"

"I beat a black belt at karate. My next opponent is a green sock"

"I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I've been charged with a graph-aided assault"

"I became math teacher to teach subtraction. I just want to make a difference"

"I before E except after C has been disproved by science"

"'I' before 'E,' except in Budweiser"

"'I' before 'E,' except when you run a feisty heist on your weird beige overweight foreign neighbor"

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided..." (joke)

"I believe in censorship -- I made a fortune out of it" (Mae West)

"I believe in God and guns. Trespass and you will meet both" (property sign)

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies"

"I bet acting like assholes on the Internet isn't where we all thought we'd be"

"I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish"

"I bet Jesus would have used His turn signals"

"I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York"

"I bet when cannibals go on a diet they order the chef salad"

"I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it"

"I bought an expensive ruler, just for good measure"

"I bought a 12 year old scotch. His parents weren't pleased"

"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies.' All the answers were wrong"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver"

"I bought a new weed-whacker today. It's cutting hedge technology"

"I bought a pancake, but I was rather disappointed. It tasted nothing like a pan"

"I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday..."

"I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere"

"I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas" (joke)

"I bought my wig at a discount store. Didn't want toupee full price"

"I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"

"I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it"

"I broke up with my gym. We were not working out."

"I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should've put it on aloha setting"

"I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips" (joke)

"I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn..." (joke)

"I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders..." (joke)

"I called the Tinnitus hotline earlier, but it just kept ringing"

"I call bravo sierra" ("I call bullshit")

"I call myself terms and conditions because y'all keep ignoring me"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb"

"I came, I ate, I conquered"

"I can’t afford vacation, so I am just going to drink until I don’t know where I am"

"I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person"

"I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up"

"I can't believe I've been arrested for shoplifting. The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan!"

"I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just doing nothing"

"I can't believe I still have to protest this shit"

"I can't believe pretzels are knot bread"

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick!"

"I can't breathe" (anti-police brutality slogan)

"I can't die! I'm booked!"

"I can’t drink responsibly because responsibilities are why I drink"

"I can't espresso how much you bean to me"

"I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory"

"I can’t see an end, I have no control... Time for a new keyboard"

"I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty"

"I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg"

"I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results"

"I can't tell if this rice cake is stale or not. Because it's a rice cake"

"I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast"

"I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them"

"I can't wait until I'm financially able to afford who I really am"

"I can't wait until I'm financially stable to afford who I really am"

"I can't wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly"

"I can't work in an environment where I'm expected to do my job"

"I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I'm already fat"

"I can eat a lot of sweet potatoes because I am polyyamorous"

"I can eat sugar with either hand. I'm ambidextrose"

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you"

"I can get it for you wholesale"

"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell"

"I can give you the formula for failure: Try to please everybody"

"I can hear Monday morning already whispering 'Go fuck yourself' into my ear"

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. I've got back issues"

"I can please only one person per day; today is not your day; tomorrow's not looking good either"

"I can spell 'banana,' but I never know when to stop"

"I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone"

"I can tell if people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell if people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them"

"I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them"

"I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol"

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way" (joke)

"I celebrate Cinco de Mayo so I get can drunk enough to forget yesterday's 'May the 4th' jokes"

"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' When I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'"

"I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang'" (joke)

"I childproofed the house, but they still get in"

"I choked on a carrot. All I could think was 'I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this'"

"I choked on a carrot, and all I could think was 'I bet a donut wouldn't have done this'"

"I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair"

"I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got two half-sisters"

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage"

"I come from a long line of conga dancers"

"I consider page 2 of Google results the dark web"

"I consider sex a misdemeanor. The more I miss, de meaner I get"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over"

"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked"

"I couldn't have done it without the players" (Yankees manager Casey Stengel)

"I couldn't pay my doctor, so he gave me another six months to live"

"I couldn't wait to go to university. But when I got there, it was just people from Earth"

"I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me" (joke)

"I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon"

"I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee"

"I could burn water" (i.e., I can't cook)

"I could see every ketchup bottle in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20"

"I could sing a verse for you. But I'll refrain"

"'I could watch him play video games for hours,' said no one’s wife, ever"

"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet" (aphorism)

"I cried when my dad chopped Onions. Onions was a good dog"

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas"

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part..."

"I decided to cross the road, not because I'm brave, but because I'm chicken"

"I decided to greet my coworkers with a 'Congrats on not dying in your sleep'"

"I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page"

"I didn't ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants"

"I didn't choose the mug life. The mug life chose me"

"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables"

"I didn't come this far to only come this far"

"I didn't get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I didn’t go to school just to eat my lunch"

"I didn’t know how much cookies shaped like integers cost, but I crunched the numbers"

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn't think my son stole from his trig teacher until I saw his room. All the sines were there"

"I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture, but now I stand corrected"

"I didn't think there was a class system in the U.S." (joke)

"I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me"

"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words"

"I did not hear the question, but the answer is definitely coffee"

"I did not see that cumin"

"I did really well on my Roman history test. I got a C"

"I disagree with you, but I'm pretty sure you're not Hitler"

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

"I don't advertise my lip reading business. It's all word of mouth"

"I don't always have time to study...but when I do, I don't"

"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs"

"I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm probably at work"

"I don't believe the liberal media"

"I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues"

"I don’t care for cheese. I'm a curdmudgeon"

"I don't care if it's Friday the 13th. I'm just happy it's finally Friday!"

"I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives"

"I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating"

"I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do enjoy the festive drinks. You could say I'm eggnogstic"

"I don't date below 14th Street" (dating adage)

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either"

"I don't diet. I just eat according to my goals"

"I don’t drink beer. I drink a wheat smoothie"

"I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding"

"I don't drink to get drunk. I drink to get my inner demons drunk"

"I don't drink water because fish fuck in it"

"I don't eat snails -- I prefer fast food"

"I don't eat spinach. If I ate it I might like it, and I hate the damned stuff"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes me spill my coffee"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't exercise. It makes my coffee spill"

"I don't get drunk -- I get awesome"

"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day"

"I don't hate ALL of the periodic table. Just elements of it"

"I don't have a bank account because I can't remember my mother's maiden name"

"I don’t have a bucket list but my bikeit list is a mile long"

"I don't have a dog in that fight"

"I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today"

"I don't jog. If I die, I want to be sick" (Abe Lemons, UT basketball coach)

"I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail"

"I don’t know if Twitter has ever caused the lame to walk, but it has caused the dumb to speak"

"I don't know what I'd do without coffee. I'm guessing 25 to life"

"I don't know what it is, but it's on sale!"

"I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter"

"I don't know you from Adam's off ox"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do" (joke)

"I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don’t like stairlifts. They drive me up the wall"

"I don't like the Yankees, but I'm a huge fan of being overpaid to underperform"

"I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus"

"I don’t like whiny and cheesy people, but I do like wine and cheese people"

"I don't measure a thing when I cook. I just sprinkle and add stuff"

"I don't mind going to work, but the 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit"

"I don't mind if you're pansexual, just stay away from my cookware"

"I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions"

"I don't need an inspirational quote. I need coffee"

"I don’t need a stable relationship. All I need is a stable internet connection"

"I don't need Google. My boyfriend knows everything!"

"I don't need sleep. I need coffee"

"I don't need to 'get a life.' I'm a gamer. I have LOTS of lives"

"I don't need you when I'm right"

"I don't normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?"

"'I don't see color,' she said, as she ran the traffic light"

"I don't see color."/"So what do you do at a traffic light?"

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't skinny dip. I chunky dunk"

"I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle"

"I don't sweat, I sparkle" ("I don't sweat, I glisten/glow")

"I don't take soup. You can't build a meal on a lake"

"I don't teach subjects. I teach students"

"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the facts" (Will Rogers)

"I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned my bathroom mirror, which reflects badly on me"

"I don't think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn't speak to me"

"I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real plague there..."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something"

"I don't trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea"

"I don't trust trees. They're shady"

"I don't understand people that have goals like getting likes on their selfie"

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't usually brag about my drum jokes, but um...tss"

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work"

"I don't want to. I don't have to. You can't make me. I'm retired"

"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it"

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant"

"I don’t work on Fridays, I make appearances"

"I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with 'Y'"

"I donut know what I'd do without you"

"I donut understand food puns"

"I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot"

"I do exercise. I do one sit up everyday…when I get out of bed in the morning"

"I do many things well. None of which generate income"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'"

"I do my best thinking when I'm drinking"

"I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature" (Jefferson?)

"I do resistance training every day. It's called refusing to go to the gym"

"I do ten sit-ups every morning -- hitting the snooze button"

"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road..."

"I dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He's dreaming, too"

"I drink and I know things"

"I drink as I dress: Chablis"

"I drink a lot of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink a ton of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink coffee because I need it, and wine because I deserve it"

"I drink coffee for your protection"

"I drink lots of water. Filtered water. Filtered through coffee grounds..."

"I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. That's what they mean by reducing it"

"I drink, therefore I am" (Bibo ergo sum)

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it"

"I drink to make other people interesting"

"I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I can't move for months"

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up"

"I drive like lightning. I hit trees"

"I drive more safely when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person there"

"I drive safer when there's food in my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there"

"I drive safer with really good food in the passenger seat than with a close friend"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"

"I dropped everything to become a juggler"

"I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef"

"I dropped my gun in the avocado dip. Now it is glockamole"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely"

"I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx"

"I dropped Parmesan on my laptop and called it Mac 'n' Cheese"

"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere"

"I eat hummus when I don't know the words"

"I eat my peas with honey; I've done it all my life..." (poem)

"I eat salad every day. Bean salad…Coffee bean salad…Coffee. I drink coffee every day"

"I eat tacos over a tortilla so when stuff falls out, BOOM!, another taco"

"I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them"

"I eat the same Indian bread as everyone else. I'm a naan conformist"

"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my sarcasm"

"I enjoy long, romantic walks...to the fridge"

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it"

"I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke"

"I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house"

I Eta Pi (fictional fraternity)

"I failed Binary 101. I said it was 6"

"I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins..." (joke)

"I failed my drug test again. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get my pharmacy degree"

"I failed my drug test today. There goes my degree in pharmaceutics!"

"I failed my italic writing exam with straight A's"

"I failed my math exam. I couldn’t write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals. IM LIVID"

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"

"I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels"

"I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. Everyone asks if Pepsi is okay"

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West as Eve, talking about the Big Apple dance)

"I feel like doin' a Big Apple" (Mae West on a 1937 radio show)

"I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around"

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together"

"I feel relatively neutral about New York" (slogan parody)

"I feel safer on a racetrack...than on Houston expressways" (A. J. Foyt)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink; they wake up, and that's as good as they'll feel all day"

"I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop"

"I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they're the last to know"

"I fell in love. His name is New York"

"I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung"

"I felt bad, but then I installed a new version of office. It improved my outlook"

"I fetched a pail of water and ate a KFC family meal. Two things I can cross off my bucket list"

"I finally got an A on my essay! (Only 1999 more words to go)"

"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil"

"I find jello a little off-pudding"

"I finished Netflix today"

"I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it"

"I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge"

"I forgot the French word for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book"

"I forgot to go to the gym today. That's ten years in a row now"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I, for one, like Roman numerals"

"I found a builder who advertises 'No job too small' so I’ve got him tiling the doll's house"

"I found a hat with $17.50 in it. A guy was too busy juggling to pick it up"

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found it at the Colony!" (Colony Music Center)

"I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked"

"I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves"

"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus" (joke)

"I General Lee don’t care for Civil War jokes"

"I General Lee don't find civil war jokes funny"

"I General Lee don't find civil war puns to be funny"

"I get fatter and broker each time I don't take my lunch to work"

"I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief"

"I get nostalgic when reversing my car. It always takes me back"

"I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why family and friends expect that for free"

"I give in to beer pressure"

"I give the eclipse one star"

"I Googled the phrase 'missing medieval servant.' It came back with 'Page not found'"

"I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars"

"I got an invite to a wedding that said 'black tie only'" (joke)

"I got a bottle of scotch for my wife..." (joke)

"I got a job making plastic Draculas. Two of us work, so I have to make every second count"

"I got a new job at the guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there soon"

"I got a rejection letter from the origami university today, I’m not sure what to make of it"

"I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner"

"I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked"

"I got fired at the pickle factory" (joke)

"I got fired from my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends"

"I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink"

"I got invited by a salad to his house. He wouldn't lettuce leaf!"

"I got in trouble at a park for lining squirrels up by height. They didn't like me critter sizing"

"I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it" (joke)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine"

"I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination..."

"I got my stomach doing crunches -- usually either Nestlé or Captain"

"I got pulled over by a cop with Alzheimer’s. He said, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?'"

"I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car"

"I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get a drink & won a dance contest"

"I got so much procrastinating done today"

"I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen" (quarantine)

"I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money"

"I got thrown out of the zoo for making a parrot laugh. Polly tickle correctness!"

"I got voted 'least likely to succeed' by my high school class" (joke)

"I go to the gym almost every day -- almost Monday, almost Tuesday..."

"I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays"

"I grew up surrounded by poverty -- my maid was poor, my butler was poor ..." (joke)

"I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday..." (joke)

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" (1969)

"I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa"

"I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram! I was like, 0mg!"

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with death"

"I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream that I was swimming in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a Fanta sea"

"I had a dream to read other people's minds. Then I joined Facebook"

"I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together. It was de-grating"

"I had a life...but my job ate it"

"I had a pleasure trip -- took my mother-in-law to the airport"

"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy"

"I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime"

"I had a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was furious"

"I had donkey meat for the first time. It tasted like ass"

"I had my parking validated -- which was nice because I'd been practicing for so long"

"I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows"

"I had to prove I was a citizen of New York, so I stabbed him" (joke)

"I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn't wanna catch the Kronervirus"

"I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice from the car windscreen, but only got 10% off"

"I Happen To Like New York" (1930)

"I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate coffee -- it keeps me awake at work"

"I hate everybody, regardless of race, creed, or place of national origin!"

"I hate flash mobs. One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe"

"I hate it when cashiers check to see if my money is fake" (joke)

"I hate it when I lose stuff at school, like my pencils and papers and life ambitions"

"I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...you know...Oreos"

"I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but I discover they're just regular donuts"

"I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life"

"I hate losing more than I love winning"

"I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays"

"I hate people who bang on your door and tell you to be 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen"

"I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst"

"I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents and customs officials"

"I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves"

"I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up"

"'I hate tacos!' said no Juan ever"

"I hate the new Windows 10 update. It puts me on Edge"

"I hate when I don't forward a chain letter, and then I die the next day"

"I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when someone rings my doorbell because then I have to pretend I'm not home"

"I hate when the debit/credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay"

"I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and the car is parked"

"I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex"

"I haven't had a single drink all day. They've all been doubles"

"I haven’t kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club. Now they’re sending me threatening letters"

"I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long"

"I haven't seen faith move mountains, but I have seen what faith can do to buildings"

"I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?"

"I have an addiction to tag. It'll be touch and go, whether I need professional help"

"I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings..."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's just not a very good one"

"I have a chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable"

"I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia"

"I have a condition that prevents me from staying home or wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition that prevents me from wearing a mask. It’s called freedom"

"I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger"

"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it"

"I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs"

"I Have a Little Dreidel" or "My Dreidel" (The Dreidel Song)

"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work"

"I have a love hat relationship with autocorrect"

"I have a pen that can write underwater! It can also write other words, too"

"I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer and I have a Czech one too"

"I have a smart phone with a dumb battery"

"'I have a split personality,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder"

"I have a Supreme Court figure -- no appeal"

"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat"

"I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs' feet..." (Dallas waitress joke?)

"I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop"

"I have done terrible things for money, like getting up early to go to work"

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something"

"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes"

"I have ice in my veins" (cool under pressure)

"I have kids. Park too close and I'll ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have kids. Park too close and they will ding your shit" (car sign)

"I have mixed drinks about feelings"

"'I have multiple personality disorder,' said Tom, being Frank"

"I have never known a worthwhile man who became too big for his boots or his Bible"

"I have never understood why it is 'greed' to want to keep the money you have earned"

"I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors..."

"I have the right to remain silent, but I don't have the ability"

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing"

"I have to plug my phone into the charger so much I basically have a landline again"

"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself"

"I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math. Glad to know I’m in the other 2%"

"I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard..."

"I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get Doritos"

"I heard the government is putting chips inside people. I hope I get hot Cheetos"

"I heard the government is putting chips in people. I hope I get sour cream and onion"

"I heard the government is putting chips into people. I hope I get BBQ"

"I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone"

"I hired a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov"

"I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don't have car insurance"

"I hit two great balls on the golf course -- I stepped on a rake" (joke)

"I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!"

"I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda"

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears"

"'I' is the only difference between fit and fat"

"I just baked you some shut the fucupcakes"

"I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated DVD"

"I just bought one of those real life sex dolls and she's so realistic she just wants to be friends"

"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven"

"I just can't see myself wearing camouflage"

"I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister"

"I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it"

"I just don't want to look back and think, 'I could've eaten that'"

"I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!"

"I just found out Canada isn’t real. Turns out it was all just mapleleaf"

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant. It really is Black Fry Day"

"I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?"

"I just joined a gym for religious minorities -- Jehovah's Fitness"

"I just joined the navy out of spite. I'm a petty officer!"

"I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some serious explaining to do"

"I just pead on the table" (pea joke)

"I just realized I am not a morning person. I'm a coffee person"

"I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle"

"I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single"

"I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup. Took the words right out of my mouth"

"I just sprayed fruit scented Febreze in my bathroom. Now it smells like shitrus"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me"

"I just want to drink coffee, create stuff and sleep"

"I just won a reward for most secretive person in the office" (joke)

"I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for, but I never get a straight answer"

"I keep hitting the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I'm dealing with"

"I keep my hot sauce in the refrigerator. Now it's just sauce"

"I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth"

"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' -- I think I might have florets"

"I keep trying to buy a grocery checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me"

"I keep trying to remember to buy new Post-It notes, but I don't have anything to remind me"

"I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It's now water under the fridge"

"I kiss better than I cook"

"I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition"

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early"

"I know alcohol isn't the answer, but it's my best guess"

"I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time"

"I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial"

"'I know a word that uses all six vowels including 'y' in alphabetical order,' said Tom facetiously"

"I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order"

"I know Facebook has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak"

"I know how to do anything. I'm a mom"

"I know how to load more than a washer & dryer" (pro-gun slogan)

"I know HTML (How To Meet Ladies)"

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

"I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate"

"I know it's not true, but let’s make the sonafabitch deny it" (a loaded political question)

"I know loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can't think of one atm"

"I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay"

"I leave homework for the last day because I'll be older and wiser"

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (1954, 1962) ("Forgotten in Manhattan" lyric)

"I lent my grandfather clock to my friend and now he owes me big time"

"I like bananas because they have no bones"

"I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes"

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake"

"I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning"

"I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns. I would never armadillo"

"I like hashtags because they look like waffles"

"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one"

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"

"I like my beer like I like my violence: domestic"

"I like my coffee black, like my soul"

"I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you"

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee"

"I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis" (anti-joke)

"I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism"

"I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet"

"I like my women how I like my Coronavirus..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my Covid..." (NSFW joke)

"I like my women how I like my laptop. On my lap, turned on and virus free"

"I like my women like I like Little Caesars. Hot and Ready"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and on my lap"

"I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name"

"I like my women like I like my wine..." (joke)

"(I Like New York in June) How About You?" (1941)

"I like school. I just don't enjoy the learning part"

"I like the part of the day when food happens"

"I like to cook my pasta al Dante. I boil the hell out of them"

"I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers"

"I like to paint peas in a cage. I’m a trapped peas artist"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to put German wine in my cooking on an add hock basis"

"I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert"

"I live for my alarm clock collection. It's what gets me up in the morning"

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."

"I live in a two-story house" (marriage/divorce joke)

"I loaned a blind guy some money" (joke)

"I long for the day when we have to run bake sales to raise money for bombs"

"I looked for the key to success and then found it's a combination lock"

"I look fat. Please say something nice."/"You have perfect eyesight."

"I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke"

"I lost it in the sun" (baseball infielder after fumbling a ground ball)

"I lost my job as a yes man because I no too much"

"I lost my job making stencils. They said I wasn't cut out for it"

"I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas"

"I love bowling! It's the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour"

"I love coffee, I love tea" ("Java Jive")

"I love cooking children and dogs. But hate using commas"

"I love cooking with wine -- sometimes I even put it in the food"

"I love deadlines; I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"

"I love doing crunches. If by 'doing crunches' you mean 'eating chips'"

"I love fall most of all"

"I love hard work. I could watch it all day"

"I love how all these so-called 'vegans' still drink water. That's a fish's house!"

"I love ketchup from my head tomatoes"

"I love my boss (I'm self-employed)"

"I love my computer because my friends live in it"

"I love my country...but I think we should start seeing other people"

"I love my country, but I fear my government"

"I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat"

"I Love New York" (2005)

"I Love NY" ("I Love NY More Than Ever")

"I love reunions. They're old school"

"I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words"

"I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast"

"I love taking a picture of myself next to a boiling kettle. I think I may have selfie steam issues"

"I love telling cheesy jokes, but my friends are laughtose intolerant"

"I love the smell of possibility in the morning"

"I love the smell of socially acceptable chemical dependence in the morning"

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money"

"(I Love to Play Piano) Let Me Bang Your Box" (1950s)

"I love when my boss catches me doing work"

"I love you a latte"

"I love you a yacht" ("I love you a whole yacht")

"I love you like the last slice of pizza"

"I love you more than Chinese restaurants love cats"

"I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee"

"I love you to the fridge and back"

"I made a belt of herbs. It wasn't useful and ended up being a waist of thyme"

"I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it"

"I made a huge to do list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it"

"I made a killing in the stock market today -- I shot my broker"

"I made chili con carne from Scratch. I'll miss Scratch. He was a good dog!"

"I made love for an hour and fifteen minutes. We turned the clocks ahead"

"I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away"

"I made some jerk chicken today. He didn’t even say 'thank you'!"

"I make chocolate disappear. What's your superpower?"

"I make pour decisions"

"I make serious coffee -- so strong it wakes up the neighbors"

"I may be fat, but I identify as a skinny person. I'm trans-fat"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet"

"I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer"

"I may love to shop, but I'm not buying your bullshit"

"I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me..." (joke)

"I met a girl at a soccer game. I think she’s a keeper"

"I met my ex-wife at the gym. We didn't work out"

"I met my girlfriend at an African language class. We just clicked!"

"I met my wife on the net. We were bad trapeze artists"

"I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We're going to go on a date"

"I might just take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right"

"I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I'm in a hotel" (quarantine joke)

"I might wake up early and go running..." (joke)

"I missed the cosmetics exam. I had to do a makeup test"

"I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of an enemy"

"I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars"

"I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that's another story"

"I moved to New York for my health. I'm paranoid and my fears were justified"

"I must be in the front row"

"'I must do something' will always solve more problems than 'Something must be done'"

"I must get up. My coffee needs me"

"I must have money because I still have checks left"

"I named my eraser Confidence. Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make"

"I named my stomach Budapest, Because it is the capital of Hungry"

"I need an appointment."/"How about 10 tomorrow?"/"No, I don't need that many."

"I need a coffee, a vacation, and a bag full of cash. That's all"

"I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy"

"I need a hug...e bottle of wine"

"I need a six month vacation, twice a year"

"I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend"

"I need coffee & you need a shut the fucupcake"

"I need glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses of Scotch"

"I need to find a way to be asleep, but still get all my work done"

"I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator"

"I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve"

"I never dreamed about success. I worked for it" (Estée Lauder)

"I never drink. I just disinfect internal injuries"

"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes"

"I never drive on back roads after smoking marijuana, because it's not the high way"

"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still"

"I never finish anyth"

"I never got a job from a poor person"

"I never joined the mile-high club because I don't give a flying fuck"

"I never knew I could drop out of school until the 'Be cool, stay in school' guy gave a speech"

"I never laugh until I've had my coffee"

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure"

"I never promised you a rose garden"

"I never question myself. Why should I start now?"

"I never realized how short a month is until I started paying bills"

"I never realized how short a month was until I started paying bills"

"I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary"

"I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise..."

"I never thought I'd get into Feng Shui, but oh, how the tables have turned"

"I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought 'I wouldn't touch him/her with a 10-foot pole' would become a national policy"

"I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper"

"I never understood school shooting jokes. I guess they're aimed at a younger audience"

"I never use body butter. I don't want to make myself irresistible to cannibals"

"I never vote for anybody; I always vote against"

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status"

"I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked...but that's rare"

"I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes"

"I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring"

"I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker"

"I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert"

"I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils"

"I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one"

"I only carry rare coins. I have no common cents"

"I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot"

"I only eat in three places: here, there and everywhere"

"I only have a kitchen because it came with the house"

"'I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,' said Tom heartlessly"

"I only like New York as a friend"

"I only need coffee on days ending with the letter 'Y'"

"I only practice safe sex in bank vaults"

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country" (Nathan Hale)

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee"

"I ordered a Manhattan and that Indian bartender charged me $24!"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I prefer my kale with a silent 'k'"

"I owe it all to art books, chocolate and young men" (Beatrice Wood)

"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go"

"I paid my rent so don't ask me to come out. I'm at home getting my money's worth"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colors"

"I passed my paintball exam with flying colours"

"I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis"

"I paused my game to be here" (gaming saying)

"I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a..." (joke)

"I played a great horse yesterday. It took seven horses to beat him"

"I played frisbee with my dog today. I think I need a flatter dog"

"I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break"

"I posed naked for a men's fitness magazine. The cashier would have preferred I'd just paid for it"

"I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way"

"I pretend coffee helps, but I’m still a bitch"

"I put ketchup in my eyes today. In Heinzsight, it was a bad idea"

"I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I question the timing" (IQTT)

"I quit as a taxi driver. Couldn’t stand all the people talking behind my back"

"I quit my job crushing cans. It was soda pressing"

"I quit my job over religious differences. My boss thought he was God and I didn’t"

"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice"

"I quit smoking cold turkey" (joke)

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"I ran 5 miles for the first time. I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop!"

"'I ran a half marathon' sounds so much better than 'I quit halfway through a marathon'"

"I ran out of coffee this morning. Tequila seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty"

"I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough"

"I ran twice today. First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more"

"I rarely put orange slices in my beer. Once in a Blue Moon"

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction" (joke)

"I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers"

"I really love my fanbase...without it my fan would fall over"

"I really want to buy a supermarket checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought a bread knife. It's not as good as stainless steel"

"I recently came into a large sum of money" (joke)

"I recently opened a restaurant. I guess you could call me an entrée-preneur"

"I refuse to drink tap water till it’s gone though my Brita filter that I haven’t changed"

"I relabeled all the jars in the spice rack at home. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin"

"I relish pickles"

"I remember when I was poor. I’m still poor that’s why I remember so well"

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education"

"I-rish you a very nice place to live, I-rish God's greatest gifts he'll give..."

"I run because I really like food"

"I run better than the government"

"I run better than the government"

"I run on caffeine, cats and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words"

"I run on coffee and cuss words"

"I run on coffee, chaos and cuss words"

"I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on diesel, caffeine and cuss words"

"I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick"

"I said, 'Make me a Zombie.' The bartender said, 'God beat me to it'"

"I saw an ad that said, 'TV for sale-Volume Stuck on Full.' I couldn't turn that down"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Elvis impersonator covered in cream and black cherries, singing 'In the Gâteau'"

"I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I miss New York,' so I broke the window and stole the radio"

"I saw a bumper sticker saying 'I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal'"

"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out"

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting"

"I saw a family of raisins in the bank today. They were opening a currant account!"

"I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee"

"I saw a guy at the beach yelling, 'Help! Shark! Help!' I knew the shark wasn't helping"

"I saw a hot dog vendor today..." (joke)

"I saw a movie on databases today. Can't wait for the SQL"

"I saw a pasta driving a piece of yellow fruit. Spaghetti in a car banana"

"I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound"

"I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. It would work much better on the front"

"I saw a sign on the train saying, 'Please give this seat to an elderly person'" (joke)

"I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired"

"I saw a sign that made me piss myself. It said, 'Toilets closed'"

"I saw a sign that made me shit myself. It said, 'Bathroom closed'"

"I saw a sign that said 'falling rocks.' I tried. It doesn't"

"I saw a sign that said 'Slow Deer Crossing.' Why don't the deer just run faster?"

"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children'" (joke)

"I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low"

"I saw the acronym NYFW (New York Fashion Week) and read it as Not Yafe For Work"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw trombone players at the park today. Couldn't swing and kept complaining about the slide"

"I saw two men in matching outfits, so I asked them if they were gay. They arrested me!"

"I saw your shirt. Who's NY?" -Overly Attached Girlfriend

"I saw you from across the bar. Stay there" (social distancing pickup line)

"I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it"

"I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen"

"I scream for ice cream" ("I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream")

"I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward"

"I seen my opportunities and I took 'em" & "Honest graft" (George Washington Plunkitt)

"'I see,' said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw"

"I see the price of Oxo cubes has shot up again. The stock market's gone crazy"

"I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something"

"I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple, $3 for pumpkin. These are the pie rates of the car I be in"

"I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout"

"I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late..." (joke)

"I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street"

"I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime"

"I shouldn't have had seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel"

"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head"

"I signed up for Binary 101, but it turns out it's a level 5 course"

"I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom"

"I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again"

"I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other"

"I souport publik edukashun"

"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer"

"I spent $1,000, but the limo had no driver. All that money with nothing to chauffeur it"

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday"

"I spent four years in college and didn't learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych"

"I spent three weeks trying to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey -- through the beak"

"I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam"

"I started a business that sells fertilizer. You could say I'm an entre-manure"

"I started a cold air balloon business, but I'm having trouble getting it off the ground"

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"

"I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer. Someone will be showing me the ropes"

"I stayed at a vegan hotel last night. It was the Radishon"

"I stayed in a hotel run by two contortionists. They bent over backwards for me"

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me"

"I stepped on a cornflake this morning. I'm a cereal killer now"

"I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for"

"I still have a landline, or as I like to call it, 'a cell phone finder'"

"I stole the car because I had to get to work" (joke)

"I stood waving at my neighbor for 10 minutes before realizing she was just cleaning her windows"

"I stopped living paycheck to paycheck. Now I live direct deposit to direct deposit"

"I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved"

"I stop the microwave with 1 second to go so I can feel like a bomb disposal expert"

"I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159. Then it just CLIX"

"I stumbled across a website for clumsy people"

"I submitted 10 puns to a newspaper contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone that expects to fit into clothes"

"I sure do eat a lot of food for someone who expects to fit into clothes"

"I swallowed an abacus because it’s what’s inside that counts"

"I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had"

"I swear it was Friday like 5 minutes ago"

"I swear it was Friday like 2 seconds ago"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God" (joke)

"I swim because I'm too sexy for a sport that requires clothes"

"I swim to look good naked"

"I take my paycheck to the bar because that’s better than drinking a loan"

"I taught my daughter what the word 'bargain' meant" (joke)

"I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa"

"I tell new hires, 'Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you'"

"I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious"

"I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think everyone should use two deodorants, one under each armpit. That’s just my two scents"

"I think every morning that I'm going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands"

"I think it's neat to order whisky, no ice"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think I've been eating too much salmon recently. I keep running up down escalators"

"I think I still have some unfinished procrastinating to do from yesterday"

"I think my coworkers are gay. Every time I walk by they mumble, 'What an ass!'"

"I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work"

"I think my math teacher works for the CIA. He always wants to put radicals in isolation"

"I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it"

"I think my smartphone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work"

"I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at school"

"I think my soulmate might be carbs"

"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York"

"I think that a butt-dial is a polite form of booty-call"

"I think the girl at the grocery store likes me. She was totally checking me out"

"I think the holidays are a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks"

"I think we need to stop calling it 'working from home' and start calling it 'living at work'"

"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me"

"I think you press '0' to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help"

"I thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think"

"I thought a gyroscope helped you find Greek food"

"I thought it was 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying -- until it crashed"

"I thought they said 1.31 miles" (half marathon joke)

"I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator"

"I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me"

"I threw out animal crackers because the box said, 'Do not consume if seal is broken'"

"I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night and ended up skipping dinner"

"I told myself I should stop drinking... But i'm not about to listen to some drunk"

"I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me" (joke)

"I told my cycologist about you"

"I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back..." (joke)

"I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning"

"I told my mother-in-law to make herself at home, so she sold the place"

"I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage"

"I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares"

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places" (joke)

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative"

"I took a baking class. The final was a piece of cake"

"I took a dehumidifier into a sauna, just to see which one would win"

"I took a demolitions class. The first day was a train wreck"

"I took her to a barn dance, but all I got was the same old stall"

"I took levitation classes once, but I dropped out"

"I took my car in for a service this morning. I couldn't get it through the church doors"

"I took my son to Coney Island. I asked, 'Wanna go in the Crazy House?'" (joke)

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today" (joke)

"I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point"

"I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch"

"I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out"

"I tried cooking with wine. After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen"

"I tried paying taxes with a smile, but the IRS wanted cash"

"I tried playing water polo, but my horse drowned"

"I tried suing someone for stealing my basketball, but it got thrown out of court"

"I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt. After using up two bags of salt I gave up"

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life"

"I tried to buy a hot dog with ketchup, but the vendor would only accept cash"

"I tried to buy a life insurance policy, but they just laughed and said I need to get a life first"

"I tried to catch some fog. I mist"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get"

"I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed. He gave me an A4 effort"

"I tried to force-feed our son when my wife said, 'Use the fricking spoon. You're not a Jedi'"

"I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money"

"I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me"

"I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench" (joke)

"I tried to walk into a Target, but I missed"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar"

"I try to avoid things that make me fat. Like scales, photos and mirrors"

"I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant 'food'"

"I turn coffee into tax returns"

"I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for two years"

"I used to be an expert in the Dunning-Kruger effect. Then I started to learn more about it"

"I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn't very good at it. Lance is still in prison"

"I used to be a heavy drinker, but then I lost some weight"

"I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired"

"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society. They kicked me out for spilling the beans"

"I used to be a shoe salesman, but they gave me the boot"

"I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink"

"I used to be a trapeze artist, but I was let go"

"I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure"

"I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters"

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted" (Mae West)

"I used to care what other people thought until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions"

"I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out. She was all mi, mi, mi"

"I used to eat all natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes"

"I used to hate eating my greens as a kid. They tasted worse than the other crayons"

"I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point"

"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it"

"I used to have a riding academy, but business kept falling off"

"I used to have mad cow disease, but I'm alright noooooo!" (joke)

"I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow"

"I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking. Poor you"

"I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to own a Bed and Breakfast. Then I ate the breakfast, and now I just own a bed"

"I used to pee my pants when i stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It cost me my teaching career"

"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another"

"I used to run an origami company, but it folded"

"I used to run a riding school, but business kept falling off"

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure"

"I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me..."

"I used to walk five miles to and from school, uphill both ways" (parent joke)

"I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit. No more Mr. Knife guy"

"I used to work in a diving school, but the company went under"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying"

"I used to work in a tiddlywinks factory, but it was counter productive"

"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead" (workplace saying)

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"

"I walked into a bar and ordered a double..." (bar joke)

"I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds..." (joke)

"I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, 'One day, this could be you'"

"I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, 'Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in'" (joke)

"I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine..." (bar joke)

"I wanted still water."/"This is sparkling, yes, but it's still water."

"I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment"

"I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares"

"I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account... I can only panic"

"I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic"

"I wanted to marry my jailed English teacher, but you can't end a sentence with a proposition"

"I wanted to place a bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud"

"I wanted to try water skiing but I couldn’t find a sloping lake"

"I want anarchy. Because my keyboard is missing one"

"I want food, cuddles, attention and exercise. I'm basically a puppy"

"I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead"

"I want to create a world where the environment doesn't need protecting"

"I want to grow my own food, but I can’t find any bacon seeds"

"I want to grow my own food, but no one makes pizza seeds"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live with the NY Jets. They don't beat anybody"

"I want to make pancakes, but I keep waffling"

"I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things"

"I want to start juicing, but I'm hesitant because I don't know how to juice pizza"

"I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary" (Yogi Berra Night)

"I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced"

"I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could!"

"I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday"

"I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere"

"I wasn’t sure whether I should get into the human trafficking business. But now I'm sold"

"I was accused of illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. I said I could explain everything"

"I was addicted to eating frozen poultry, but I quit cold turkey"

"I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around"

"I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors"

"I was an honor student -- I don't know what happened"

"I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen"

"I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me"

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight"

"I was born at night, but not last night"

"I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell"

"I was drinking at a bar, so i took the bus home..." (joke)

"I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought, wow, this is ledge 'n dairy"

"I was driving to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport left,' so I went back home"

"I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she's honest"

"I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming. They were rap scallions"

"I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company"

"I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand; I'm always hard at work"

"I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts"

"I was forced to swallow purple food coloring. I feel violated"

"I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it"

"I was going to eat a spaghetti squash, but then I thought, 'Nah, I butternut'"

"I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it"

"I was going to make a joke about sodium, but Na"

"I was going to post about my afternoon run, but I was autocorrected to afternoon rum"

"I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it's corny"

"I was going to start a hillside herb garden, but didn't have the thyme or the inclination"

"I was going to tell a finance joke, but then again, it would bear no interest to you"

"I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift" (joke)

"I was in love with Harlem long before I got there"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won..." (joke)

"I was massively overcharged for a jelly this morning. It was daylight wobbly"

"I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him"

"I was never a photogenic person, mainly because when everyone said cheese I said 'where?!'"

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'" (joke)

"I was sad, then I saw food"

"I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked 'Add to cart'"

"I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning..." (joke)

"I was sitting in traffic the other day. It's probably why I was run over"

"I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew Chunks" (joke)

"I was poor, I had to use old calendars for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me"

"I was thinking about starting an awning company, but that's a pretty shady business to get into"

"I was thinking of running a marathon..." (joke)

"I was thinking of studying astronomy, but I fear it's all way over my head"

"I was told that exercise helps with your decision making" (joke)

"I was trying to remember what it's called when you mix coffee and ice cream, but affogato!"

"I was very young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then"

"I was walking through college and my camouflage teacher said I haven't seen you in class"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a movie about graphs. The special f(x) were terrible"

"I watched my first porno today... I looked so much younger back then"

"I watched this play at a disadvantage -- the curtain was up" (Broadway saying)

"I wear a mask while jogging. It's a running gag"

"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed 20 Bobs"

"I went fishing today with my two friends, Rod and Annette"

"I went into a restaurant with no shirt or shoes and my phone still worked so take that, sign"

"I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic" (joke)

"I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?"

"I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me two hours to finish my soup"

"I went to a family restaurant and they refused to serve me a family"

"I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!"

"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"

"I went to a restaurant and the food was all done with special effects. It was CGI Fridays"

"I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel"

"I went to a strip club for blind people. The girls there were dancing like nobody was watching"

"I went to a vegan prostitute last night and she gave me her peas"

"I went to a vegan restaurant last night. Was told the menu was quite tasty" (joke)

"I went to a zoo and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu"

"I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I went to Legoland last week. People were lined up for blocks"

"I went to school to become a wit -- only got halfway through"

"I went to the corner shop -- bought four corners" (joke)

"I went to the grocery store. The sign said ‘no food or drink inside.’ So I went home"

"I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but ended up picking 7 Up"

"I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: 'Bread in captivity'"

"I whispered because I didn't want Zuckerberg to hear us. She laughed. I laughed. Siri laughed"

I will bring you down to Chinatown!

"I Will" (Chicago motto)

"(I will gladly pay you Tuesday for) A hamburger today"

"I will not wear someone else's fear" (anti-facemask saying)

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level"

"I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN"

"I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible"

"I wish everything was as easy as getting fat"

"I wish for a world without lawyers" (joke)

"I wish it would rain -- not for me cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old"

"I wish I could be the person I thought I could be when I bought all this produce"

"I wish I could do stand-up comedy, but I always punch up the fuckline"

"I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it's ready"

"I wish I could speak mandarin. Then I could talk to oranges"

"I wish I was rich" (genie joke)

"I wish I was rich enough to eat out all the time like the homeless do"

"I wish my wallet came with free refills"

"I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills"

"I wish there was a chess player named Richard. Everything he does would be a Dick move"

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence"

"I wish travel therapy was covered by my health insurance"

"I woke up this morning and realized I don't have what it takes to sit back and be average"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I realized that I am somebody"

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me"

"I wonder how many photographers have died after a big block of cheese fell on them" (joke)

"I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it"

"I wonder how much weight I’ve lost." -- Me, after eating one healthy meal

"I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands"

"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think 'I'd tap that'"

"I wonder if the guy who coined the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases"

"I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work"

"I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days"

"I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food"

"I won't go to Macy's any more, more, more" (jump-rope jingle, 1938)

"I won my first cage fight last night. That parrot didn't know what hit it"

"I work as a living statue. It's a permanent position"

"I work as a waiter and, no, the pay isn’t great, but I put food on the table"

"I work hard so my dog can have a better life"

"I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold"

"I worship the quicksand he walks on"

"I wouldn't start from here" (joke)

"I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter!"/"If I were, you wouldn't be in my district!"

"I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language"

"I would’ve never imagined my hands would consume more alcohol than my liver"

"I would buy an electric car, but they charge too much"

"I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener"

"I would die for shopping. I'm a Walmartyr"

"I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza"

"I would get up early and jog in the morning, but I don't want to be the guy to find dead bodies"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would lose weight, but I hate losing"

"I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds"

"I would never try to poison you. Now eat your Pb and Jelly Sandwich"

"I would rather be covered in sweat at the gym than in clothes at the beach"

"I would rather be governed by the first hundred names in the telephone book"

"I would rather choke on greatness than nibble on mediocrity"

"I write songs about sewing machines. I'm a Singer songwriter"