A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
“Greeks can’t play soccer well because every time they get a corner, they open a shop” (6/20)
“In the recipe of life, doubt makes an excellent ingredient, but a lousy meal” (6/20)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (6/20)
“No one who can rise before dawn three hundred sixty days a year fails to make his family rich” (6/20)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (6/20)
More new entries...

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Wacoan (inhabitant of Waco)

Wacoite (inhabitant of Waco)

Waco (Dr. Pepper); Dallas (Coke); Waxahachie (a Dr. Pepper and a Coke)

Waco We Do (Waco slogan)

Waddy (Waddie)

Waffleize or Wafflize

"Waffles are just pancakes with abs"

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

Waffle Iron (432 Park Avenue)

Waffle Taco

Wage-Slave (Wage-Slavery)

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" (opera adage)

WaHI (Washington Heights & Inwood)

Wailing Wall Street (Wailing Wall + Wall Street)

"Waiters bring a lot to the table"

"Waiter's-thumb-in-the-soup" jokes

"Waiter: Be careful, the plate is really hot. Diner: No worries. I'm not really attracted to plates"

"Waiter, does the pianist play requests?" (joke)

"Waiter! Do you have frogs' legs?"/"No, I always walk this way."

"Waiter: Do you wanna box for that? Diner: No, but I'll wrestle you for it."

"Waiter: How do you like your eggs? Diner: I don't know. I haven't gotten them yet."

"Waiter: Is your food spicy, sir? Diner: No, smoke always comes out of my ears!"

"Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster soup."/"Would you expect angels in angel cake?"

"Waiter, I want a table for dinner!"/"Boiled or roasted, sir?"

"Waiter: May I take your plates? Diner: Sure, they were yours to begin with!"

"Waiter, taste the soup!" (joke)

"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Waiter: This is duck soup. Diner: No! It's watered down!"

"Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"/"Then why aren't you laughing?"

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop" (business idiom)

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu, please?" (joke)

"Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu? Diner: What kind of font is this?"

"Waitress: Sorry about your wait. Diner: Well, I've been doing my best to lose it."

Waitsplaining (waiter/waitress + explaining)

"Wait an hour after eating before going swimming"

Wait-a-Burger (Whataburger nickname)

Wait in Times Square and eventually everyone you know will pass

"Wait 'til next year!" (Brooklyn Dodgers)

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey"

Wake and Bake (marijuana-infused coffee)

"Wake me up when Kirby dies" (theatre saying)

"Wake up and smell the bagels"

"Wake up and smell the coffee"

"Wake up and smell the tyranny"

"Wake up determined -- go to bed satisfied"

"Wake up, drink coffee & punch today in the face"

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Cocktail

Waldorf Hysteria (Waldorf-Astoria Hotel nickname)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of Harlem (Hotel Theresa, now Theresa Towers)

Waldorf of the Catskills (Grossinger's Hotel nickname)

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Sandwich

Waldorf Sandwich

"Walking back to Houston" (Ace-King in Texas Hold'em)

Walking Taco (Taco-in-a-Bag; Petro's)

"Walks will kill you" (baseball adage)

"Walk and chew gum at the same time"

"Walk softly and carry a bent stick" (archery adage)

Walk-Up Apartment

Walled City (Brooklyn)

Wally Martinez (Walmart nickname)

Wally World (Walmart nickname)

Wall Dog

Wall Streeter

"Wall Street" (1968)

Wall Street (from a graveyard to a river)

"Wall Street got drunk" (George W. Bush)

"Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions" (Paul Samuelson)

"Wall Street is where people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from people who take the subway"

"Wall Street never discounts the same thing twice"

Wall Street North (Stamford, CT nickname)

Wall Street of the Southwest or Wall Street of Texas (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the Southwest (The Strand in Galveston)

Wall Street of the West (17th Street in Denver)

Wall Street of the West (Montgomery Street in San Francisco)

Wall Street on Long Island Sound (Greenwich-Stamford-Norwalk-Westport-Bridgeport, CT nickname)

Wall Street Refiner

Wall Street Run (and Heart Walk)

Wall Street South (Brickell in Miami, FL nickname)

Wall Street South (Charlotte, NC nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street Urinal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Wall Street West (Jersey City, NJ nickname)

Walmartian (Walmart shopper/employee nickname)


Walmartyr (Walmart + martyr)

Wal-Fart or Walfart (Walmart nickname)

Wanksta or Wankster (wack/wanker/wannabe + gangster)

"Want to hear a joke about pizza?...Never mind, it's too cheesy"

"Want to hear a really dark joke?…Decaf"

"Want to stop riots? Play the national anthem. They'll all sit down"

Warmmonger (global warming + monger)

Warmunism (global warming + communism); Warmunist

"Warm beer and cold coffee are the same temperature"

Warm Crap in a Bag (Frito Pie nickname)

"WARNING! Children left unattended will be sold to the circus"

"Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday"

"Warning! The consumption of alcohol might cause you to think you can sing"

"Warning! The consumption of wine might cause you to think you can sing"

WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

Warvangelical (war + evangelical)

War Chest

"War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left"

"War is a racket"

"War is not healthy for children and other living things"

"War kills reform"

War Room (a team's player draft headquarters)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

War Street Journal (Wall Street Journal nickname)

Washeteria (Washateria; Washiteria)

"Washington's face was on all our money; now, Washington's hands are on it, too"

Washington, DC: Capitol Hill (nickname)

Washington, DC: City of Magnificent Distances (nickname)

Washington, DC: Da Capital (nickname)

Washington, DC: "Democracy dies in darkness" (Washington Post slogan)

Washington, DC: District of Confusion (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Corruption (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Criminals (nickname)

Washington, DC: District of Cunts (nickname)

Washington, DC: Hot Tub (nickname)

“Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: Rome on the Potomac (nickname)

"Washington, DC stands for Washington, Da Capital"

Washington, DC: Wall Street-Washington Corridor

Washington, DC: WarPo (Washington Post nickname)

Washington, DC: “Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality"

Washington, DC: "Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

Washington, DC: "What do the Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

Washington Demands Cash (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm"

"Washington is the only insane asylum in the world run by its own inmates" ("Pappy" O'Daniel)

Washington Monument Syndrome (Washington Monument Strategy)

Wasted Wednesday

Wasteway (Westway nickname)

Wastewood (Westwood High School nickname)

Waste, Fraud and Abuse ("big three")

"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that's entirely end credits"

"Watching too much television gives you square eyes" (Square-eyed)

"Watch grass grow" (a boring activity)

"Watch paint dry" (a boring activity)

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch repairmen always get to work on time"

"Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves"

"Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds rad if you don't know what either of these things are"

Waterburger (Whataburger nickname/pronunciation)

Watermelon Capital of Texas (Hempstead) & Seedless Watermelon Capital of Texas (Knox County)

Watermelon (green on the outside, red on the inside)

"Watermelon is 50% water and 50% melon"

"Watermelon is just crunchy juice"

"Watermelon is just crunchy water"

Watertown: Snowtown USA (nickname)

"Water flows uphill toward money"

"Water is good for only two things: floating ships and making beer"

"Water is just cloud milk"

"Water separates the people of the world, wine unites them"

Water Ski Capital of Texas (Lake McQueeney nickname)

Water Sommelier (Water Steward)

"Water your mind to grow your soul"

"Watson, I've discovered that our hotel mattress is missing a cover."/"No sheet, Sherlock!"

Wave Election (Tidal Wave Election)

Waxahachian (inhabitant of Waxahachie)

Way South Austin

"Way to Shop" (Macy's)

Wazzitoyuh ("What's it to you?")

WD-40 (White Democrat Over 40)

Weakly Standard (Weekly Standard nickname)

"Wealth: Income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband"

"Wealth is the ability to fully experience life"

"Wealth is what gives you the right to preach about the virtues of poverty"

"Wealth, wisdom, and work"

"Weaned on a pickle"

Weatherconomist or Meteoronomist (meteorologist/weatherman + economist)

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark"

Webutante Ball (Prom for Tech Nerds)

Web Foot State (Oregon nickname)

"Weddings are basically funerals with cake"

Wedding Cake of the West Side (The Ansonia)

Wedge Issue

Wedgie (sandwich)

"Wednesday is like small Friday"

"We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate"

Weed Candy

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless"

Wefense (we + defense/offense)

"Weight should be like virginity. Once you lose it, you can't get it back"

"Welcome Back" (Theme to "Welcome Back, Kotter") (1975)

"Welcome is the best dish on the table"

“Welcome to Chocoholics Anonymous. Would anyone like to pick a Topic?”

"Welcome to New York. Duck, Mother Fucker!"

Welcome to New York & New York Hello

"Welcome to New York. Now get out/Now go home" & "New York. It Ain't Kansas"

"Welcome to Texas. Beware of the Bull"

"Welcome to Texas -- Now Go Home" & "Beautify Texas -- Put a Yankee on a Bus" (bumper stickers)

"Welcome to the Karma Cafe. There are no menus ..."

"Welcome to Twitter. Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly"

Welfare Queen

Welfare-Warfare State (Warfare-Welfare State)

Welfare Wednesday (Food Stamp Friday)

Welfargee (welfare + refugee)

Welfarian (someone on welfare)

Wells Fargone (Wells Fargo nickname)

Wells Fiasco (Wells Fargo nickname)

"Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit"

"Well, Doctor, what have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?” /“A Republic, if you can keep it"

Well Drink

"We'll give him a fair trial, then we'll hang him"

"We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply"

"We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge" (Texas Thunder Speedway)

"We'll, we'll, we'll, if it isn't autocorrect"

"Well, well, well. Welcome to stutter class"

"We're all here because we're not all there" (recovery program joke)

"We're all in the same game, just different levels"

"We’re all just kids posing as professionals, counting the days until Friday"

"We're doomed -- doomed, I tell you!"

"We're from here" (Frost Bank slogan)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees"

"We're Good For You" (Apple Bank)

"We're Here For You, Texas" (Texas Mutual Insurance Company)

"We're here, we're queer, get used to it"

"We're not born just to pay bills and die"

"We're talking about a wonderful day when no one diets. Why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

"We're Texas" (University of Texas at Austin)

"We're the King of Beef" (Old Homestead)

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"We're working to develop a university the football team can be proud of"

"Were you married by a Justice of the Peace or the Secretary of War?" (joke)

Weslacoan (inhabitant of Weslaco)

Westchester: Golden Apple (nickname)

Westchester: Wedge Sandwich


Western Sandwich (Denver Sandwich; Denver Omelet)

Westoria (west + Astoria)

Westside Manhattan (cocktail)

West Broadway (pork and beans nickname)

West Indian Day Carnival; "Murder Day Parade"

"West of the Pecos there is no law; West of El Paso there is no God"

West Sider or Westsider

"West Texas Girls...don't wear lip gloss during a dust storm"

West Texas Rain (a sandstorm)

West Texas Sunset (cocktail)

West Virginia: Switzerland of America (nickname)

Wetback (Wet Back)

Wet Burrito (Burrito Enchilada Style)

Wet Coast (wet + west coast)

"We've been married so long we're on our second bottle of Tabasco"

"We've got ourselves a ball game"

"We've howdied, but we ain't shook"

"We accept weather predictions from a rodent, but deny climate change evidence by scientists"

"We ain't got no north" (directional joke)

"We all deserve morning sex and pancakes"

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid"

"We are all feminine products"

"We are all Keynesians now" ("We're all New Yorkers now")

"We are all MAD* here" (*MAD -- Making A Difference)

"We are launching this innovation for the first time"

"We Are New York" (Douglas Elliman Realty)

"We are one day closer to a good rain" (drought joke)

"We are so poor we eat Ordinary K for breakfast"

"We Are the People!" (1888-1889 champion baseball Giants)

We Be Toys (Toys "R" Us nickname)

"We breathe air. Trees make air. Homework kills trees. Homework is killing us"

"We Bring the Caring Home" (Visiting Nurse Service of New York)

"We build futures one success story at a time" (Stanley Kaplan)

"We burn rubber and chipotles" (Houston taco truck slogan)

"We bust ours to kick yours" (sports saying)

"We Buy Ugly Houses" (HomeVestors slogan)

"We campaign in poetry, but when we're elected we're forced to govern in prose"

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails" (proverb)

"We can kick your city's ass"

"We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you"

"We come, not to mourn our dead soldiers, but to praise them"

"We control the Tide" (Texas A&M joke about Alabama football)

"We Cure Our Own Corned Beef; Our Chicken Soup Cures Everything Else" (Ben's Deli)

"We didn't lose -- we just ran out of time"

"We dine out twice a week. My wife goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays"

"We don't care how you did it up North"

"We don't dial 911"

"We don't do kings (in America)"

"We don't know them all, but we owe them all"

"We don't need shooters, we need makers" (basketball adage)

"We don't serve black people."/"That's OK. I don't eat them."

"We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool" (swimming pool adage)

"We Do Dishes" (Fishs Eddy)

"We do not consent" (#wedonotconsent)

"We eat all we can, and we sell the rest" (Blue Bell Ice Cream slogan)

"We eat pizza from the inside out"

"We eat with our eyes first"

"We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection"

"We forgive a child afraid of the dark; the real tragedy is when men are afraid of the light"

"We got both kinds of music -- country and western"

"We go together like cocaine and waffles"

"We had a candlelit dinner last night. Everything was extremely under-cooked"

"We had dinner and watched a movie together. Then the plane landed"

"We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favorite"

"We haven't the money, so we've got to think"

"We have beers as cold as your ex's heart" (bar sign)

"We have deep depth"

"We have to dance until the music stops"

"We have to find the people who did this -- they need help!" (joke about liberals)

"We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it"

"We invented Texas Hold 'em, but we can't play it here" (Kinky Friedman)

"We Know the Neighborhood!" & "The Meat Supermarket" (Western Beef)

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police"

"We live in an age where we have to prove to machines that we're not machines"

"We live in a world where community service is a punishment"

"We lose money on every sale, but make it up on volume"

"We made too many wrong mistakes"

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give"

"We make money the old-fashioned way. We EARN it" (Smith Barney)

"We may not always win the game, but we always win the party"

"We Move New York" (TWU Local 100)

"We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately"

"We need the eggs" (joke)

"We never knew he was drunk...until he showed up for work sober"

"We never stop working for you" (Verizon)

"We now live in a nation where doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice..."

"We own the night" (Street Crimes Unit motto)

We Piddle Around (Works Progress Administration or WPA nickname)

"We played like never before, and lost like always"

"We play today, we win today -- das it"

"We serve soup to nuts" (restaurant joke)

"We shape our buildings, and afterwards our buildings shape us"

We Shoot Straight With You (Gun Barrel City motto)

"We should've seen communism's failure. In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags"

"We take career advice from someone who went to college to be a guidance counselor"

"We used to have empires ruled by emperors and kingdoms ruled by kings..."

"We used to have village idiots, but with the internet, they've gone global"

"We want a batter, not a broken ladder"

"We want a catcher, not belly scratcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher"

"We want a pitcher, not a glass of water"

"We want bread, but we want roses, too" (Bread and Roses strike)

"We were all once creampies"

"We will serve no swine before its time" (low-and-slow cooking)

"We win as a team and we lose as a team" (teamwork adage)

"We wuz robbed!" ("We was robbed!")


Whack Ass Queens or Whack Ass Queenz (Queens)

"Whack 'em and stack 'em" (hunting saying)

Whac-A-Mole Season

Whaddya, Whaddya (Whaddaya, Whaddaya)

"Whale oil beef hooked" (How to speak Irish in one easy lesson)

Whammy Bar (vibrato for guitar)

Wham Bam Tram or A Streetcar Named Disaster (Houston's MetroRail)


"Whatever bakes your cake"

"Whatever butters your biscuit"

"Whatever melts your butter"

"Whatever sprinkles your donut"

"'Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches.' – a NYC tenant'"

"Whatever tickles your pickle"

"Whatever trips your trigger"

"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood"

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an accountant's idea of trashing a hotel room?"/"Not filling out the comment card."

"What's an Irish windbreaker?"/"Someone who's had too much corned beef and cabbage."

"What's a cannibal's favorite cookie?"/"Ladyfingers."

"What's a cat's favorite button on the TV remote control?"/"Pause."

"What’s a cat's favorite soda?"/"Meowtain Dew."

"What's a chef's weapon of choice?"/"A salt rifle."

"What's a chicken's favorite game in the pool?"/"Marco Pollo."

"What's a comedian's least favorite drink?"/"Booze."

"What's a fresh vegetable?"/"One that insults a farmer."

"What's a ghost's favorite fruit?"/"Boo-berry."

"What's a Grecian urn?" (joke)

"What's a KKK member's favorite donut?"/"White powder."

"What's a lawyer's ideal weight?"/"About three pounds, including the urn."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite dessert?"/"Pi."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What's a math teacher's favorite drink?"/"Root beer."

"What's a monster's favorite bean?"/"A human bean."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Cheddarrrr."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Havarrrrrti."

"What's a pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrrrrrlsberg."

"What's a pirate's favorite food?"/"Arrrrrtichokes."

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?"/"Ships Ahoy!"

"What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?"/"Arrrrgyle."

"What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?"/"Arrrby's."

"What's a pirate's favorite school subject?"/"Arrrrrrrrrrt."

"What's a pirate's least favorite letter?" (computer piracy joke)

"What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U."

“What’s a police officer’s favorite gaming console?"/"WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U.”

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a pretzel's favorite dance?"/"The Twist."

"What's a shy and retiring accountant?" (joke)

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalami."

"What's a skier's favorite lunch meat?"/"Slalomi."

"What's a skunk's favorite game in school?"/"Show and smell."

"What's a suicide bomber's worst fear?"/"Dying alone."

"What's a teddy bear's favorite pasta?"/"Tagliateddy."

"What's a tuba for?" (joke)

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A blood orange."

"What's a vampire's favorite fruit?"/"A necktarine."

"What's a vampire's favorite ice cream?"/"Veinilla."

"What's a vampire's least favorite newspaper(s)?"/"The Sun and The Mirror."

"What's a wok?"/"Something you fwow at a wabbit."

"What's better than eating a mandarin?"/"Eating Amanda out."

"What's better than roses on your piano?"/"Tulips on your organ."

"What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's black and doesn't work?"/"Decaf coffee, you racist."

"What's black and white and never right?"/"A hockey referee."

"What's black and white and read all over?" (newspaper riddle)

"What's blue and looks like a tomato?"/"A red tomato in disguise."

"What's Darth Vader's favorite Canadian dish?"/"Palpoutine."

"What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?"/"Women."

"What's 'excuse me'?" (New Yorker joke)

"What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?"/"A melon collie."

"What's in the well comes up in the bucket" (proverb)

"What's Irish and sits in the back yard?"/"Paddy O'Furniture."

"What's it called when you run 26.2 miles in underwear?"/"A marathong."

"What's larger than a pico de gallo?"/"A kilo de gallo."

"What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?"/"Rhubarb."

"What's Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?"/"The New York Jets."

"What's red and invisible?"/"No tomatoes."

"What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?"/"A sad candy cane."

"What's red and green and wears boxing gloves?"/"A fruit punch."

"What's Santa's favorite sandwich?"/"Peanut butter and jolly."

"What’s the best cheese to lure a bear out of a cave?"/"Camembert."

"What's the best day to eat bacon?"/"Fry-day."

"What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?"/"Emo grass because it cuts itself."

"What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?"/"The ATM."

"What's the best pancake topping?"/"More pancakes."

"What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts?"/"Hole Foods."

"What's the best present for a musician?"/"A broken drum. You can't beat it."

"What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?" (joke)

"What's the best part about dating a Mets fan?"/"You know she's not looking for a ring."

"What's the best thing for a hangover?"/"Drink loads the night before."

"What's the best thing to eat with jacket potatoes?"/"Button mushrooms."

"What's the best thing to put into a cake or pie?"/"Your teeth."

"What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies"

"What's the best way to catch a fish?"/"Have someone throw it to you."

"What's the best way to eat a hot dog?"/"With relish."

"What's the best way to stuff a turkey?"/"Take him out for pizza and ice cream!"

"What's the biggest lie on the internet?"/"I have read and agree to the terms of use."

"What's the Constitution among friends?"

"What's the coolest vegetable?"/"A rad-ish."

"What's the damage?" (cost of the meal)

"What's the definition of endless love?"/"Two blind people playing tennis."

"What's the derivative of Amazon?"/"Amazon Prime."

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?"/"You can't milk a cow for X years."

"What's the difference between an actress and a hooker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an Afghani military base and a Pakistani elementary school?" (joke)

"What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown noser?"/"Depth perception."

"What's the difference between an English major and a park bench?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?"/"One less drunk."

"What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th"

"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a barber and a stylist?"/"$50."

"What's the difference between a bartender and a mixologist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?"/"Porcupines have pricks on the outside."

"What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a cactus and a caucus?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a college freshman and a high school senior?"/"Three months."

"What's the difference between a college student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What's the difference between a cow and the Holocaust?"

"What's the difference between a dog and a fox?"/"About five drinks."

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a feminist and a hockey player? (joke)

"What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fig and a date?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a fund manager and a shopping trolley?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a genie and a genius?"' (joke)

"What's the difference between a golf ball and an electric car?"/"A ball can be driven 300 yards."

"What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a high school reunion and a hockey game? (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a high school reunion?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?"/"About three decibels."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?"/"A canoe tips."

"What's the difference between a large chested lobster and a dirty bus stop?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?"/"The lawyer charges more."

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a medical student and a camel?"/"A camel can go without drinking."

"What's the difference between a minarchist and an anarchist? Six months"

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?"/"About $50,000 a year."

"What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a pizza and an emo pizza?"/"An emo pizza slices itself."

"What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?"/"My pizza jokes can’t be topped!"

"What's the difference between a plumber and a politician?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?"/"The letter F."

"What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle & well-dressed man on a bicycle?

"What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a tribe of clever pygmies and a girls' track team?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a T-bone steak and a meteorite?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?" (lawyer joke)

"What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a writer and a park bench?"/"A park bench can support a family."

"What's the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?" (joke)

"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?" (joke)

"What's the difference between being hungry and horny?"/"Where you put the cucumber."

"What's the difference between being tired and exhausted?"

"What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?"/"Kids won't eat broccoli."

"What's the difference between EA and North Korea?" (gaming joke)

"What's the difference between England and a tea bag? (soccer joke)

"What's the difference between God and a federal court judge?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care"

"What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?" (joke)

"What's the difference between male spaghetti and female spaghetti?"/"Meatballs."

"What's the difference between men and pigs?"/"Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

"What's the difference between Middle Earth and New York City?"/"Two towers."

"What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?" (joke)

"What's the difference between new age and pagan?" (joke)

"What's the difference between p-- and parsley?"/"Nobody eats parsley."

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?" (joke)

"What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?"/"Snowballs."

"What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?" (riddle)

"What's the difference between the circus and the Rockettes?" (joke)

"What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and the alphabet?"/"The alphabet has a W."

"What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?"/"The Pope only makes you kiss his ring."

"What's the difference between the Titanic and Al Qaeda?"/"Al Qaeda made it to New York."

"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?" (joke)

"What's the difference between USA and USB?" (joke)

"What's the difference between you and a calendar?"/"A calendar has a date on Valentine's Day."

"What’s the exchange rate between pounds, rubles, dollars?"/"A pound of rubles equals a dollar."

"What's the fastest fast food?"/"Lamb-burger-inis."

"What's the fastest vegetable?"/"A runner bean."

"What's the fastest way to the hospital?"/"Just say something bad about Texas!" (joke)

"What's the fastest way to transfer money?"/"Get married."

"What's the greatest cheese of all time?"/"GOAT cheese."

"What's the hardest part about skateboarding?"/"Telling your parents you're gay."

"What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?"/"Skinning the vegan."

"What's the hardest thing about skydiving?"/"The ground."

"What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?"/"The turkey."

"What's the kindest vegetable?"/"A sweet potato."

"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?" (riddle)

"What's the last thing the drummer said before getting kicked out of the band?" (joke)

"What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?"/"The multiplication table."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What's the most musical part of a turkey?"/"The drumstick."

"What is the most pirated Apple product?"/"iPatch."

"What's the most popular Christmas wine?"/"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

"What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?"/"One more."

"What's the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick's Day?" (joke)

"What's the opposite of a fish out of water?"/"A fish in sea."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of a tsunami?"/"A microwave."

"What's the opposite of ladyfingers?"/"Mentos."

"What's the quickest way into town?" (joke)

"What's the range of a tuba?" (joke)

"What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?" (riddle)

"What's the result of tossing a live grenade into a French kitchen?" (joke)

"What's the scariest dessert?"/"Terrormisu."

"What's the scoop?"

"What's the shittiest day of the week?"/"SaTURDay."

"What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?" (joke)

"What's the sleepiest thing at the Thanksgiving table?"/"Nap-kins."

"What's the slowest soup a chef can prepare?"/"Turtle soup."

"What's the story, Jerry?" (JGE); "Forget about it!" (Tops Appliance City)

"What's the strongest vegetable?"/"A muscle sprout."

"What's the tallest building?" or "What building has the most stories?" (joke)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money"

"What's the worst name for a history lesson?"/"A crash course on 9/11."

"What's the worst thing about ancient history class?"/"The teachers tend to Babylon."

"What's the worst thing to find in stockings at Christmas?"/"Your dad."

"What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat?"/"A leek."

"What's up, cake?"/"Muffin much."

"What's water squared?"/"Ice cube."

"What's white and goes up?"/"A confused snowflake."

"What's worse than 9/11?"/"311."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm!"

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"/"The Holocaust."

"What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis" (joke)

"What's worse than spiders on your piano?"/"Crabs on your organ."

"What's yellow and square?"/"A tomato in disguise."

"What's your biggest weakness?"/"I don't know when to quit." (job interview joke)

"What's your favorite musical instrument?"/"The lunch bell."

"What's your greatest weakness?" (job interview joke)

"What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?"/"The letter G."

"What? And leave show business?" (joke)

"What animal can be found in the unemployment line?"/"The poorqueuepine."

"What are apricots?"/"Where monkeys sleep."

"What are lawyers good for?" (lawyer joke)

"What are the strongest days of the week?"/"Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays."

"What are the two things you can't eat for breakfast?" (riddle)

"What are unhappy cranberries called?"/"Blueberries."

"What are you doing for others?"

"What are you doing out of jail?" (Thoreau's reply to Emerson?)

"What are you eating and how can I help? -- dogs"

What are you going to do about it?

"What are you waiting for? Christmas?"

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What athlete is warmest in winter?"/"A long jumper."

"What's a dog's favorite city?"/"New Yorkie."

"What a house! Nothing but rooms!"

"What a teacher writes on the blackboard of life can never be erased"

"What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?"/"Shortstop."

"What bus sailed the ocean?"/"Colum-bus."

"What cake is as hard as a rock?"/"Marble cake."

"What came after the stone age and the bronze age?"/"The sausage."

"What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?" (lawyer joke)

"What can Brown do for you?" (United Parcel Serivce or UPS slogan)

"What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Breakfast or lunch."

"What can you serve but never eat?"/"A tennis ball."

"What cereal makes fun of you but doesn't mean it?"/"We tease."

"What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?"/"Camembert."

"What cheese has a bit of alcohol problem?"/"Livarot."

"What Chinese food is always eaten on Easter?"/"An egg roll."

"What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?"/"Silent Night."

"What clothes does a house wear?"/"Address."

"What comes easy won't last; what lasts won't come easy"

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?"

"What could we accomplish if we knew we could not fail?"

"What day does an Easter egg hate the most?"/"Fry-day."

"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?"/"It's Christmas, Eve."

"What did Bacon say to Tomato?"/"Lettuce get together."

"What did my parents do before the Internet?" (joke)

"What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?"/"Do you even carrot all?"

"What did one device say to the other?"/"Are you syncing what I'm syncing?"

"What did one elevator say to the other?"/"I think I'm coming down with something!"

"What did one frog say to the other?"/"Time's sure fun when you're having flies."

"What did one hash brownie say to the other?"/"We're so baked."

"What did one Irish ghost say to the other?"/"Top o' the moaning!"

"What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?"/"Sorry, you're not my type."

"What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?"/"We are both lawyers!"

"What did one leftover say to the other?"/"Foiled again!"

"What did one loaf of bread say to the other?"/"Weirdo."

"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?"/"I'm a cashew."

"What did one oar say to the other?"/"Are you up for a little row-mance?"

"What did one pickle say to the other on Valentine's Day?"/"You mean a great dill to me."

"What did one plate say to the other?"/"Lunch is on me."

"What did one raindrop say to the other?"/"Two's company, three's a cloud."

"What did one strawberry say to the other?" (joke)

"What did one traffic light say to the other traffic light?" (joke)

"What did one vegan say to the other vegan?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?"/"We have to stop meating like this."

"What did one wall say to the other wall?"/"Meet me at the corner."

"What did one worm say to another?"/"I know a restaurant where we can eat dirt cheap."

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did one worm say to the other?"/"I'm moving to the Big Apple!"

"What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?"/"Big Apple Crumble."

"What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?"/"Looks like rain, dear."

"What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch?"/"A tuna frittata."

"What did socialists use before candles? Electricity" (joke)

"What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?"/"Nothing, he's Gladiator."

"What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?"/"He told them to 'hiss off!'"

"What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?"/"Tweetie Pie."

"What did the acorn say when it grew up?" (math joke)

"What did the apple say to the apple pie?"/"You've got some crust."

"What did the apple skin say to the apple?"/"I've got you covered."

"What did the baby corn say to its mom?"/"Where's my pop corn?"

"What did the bacon say to the sandwich?"/"See you in the club!"

"What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?"/"COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL!"

"What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?"/"Catch you later!"

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?"/"A spare, I guess."

"What did the boy scout say when he fixed the car horn?"/"Beep repaired."

"What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?"/"Bison!"

"What did the bunny say when he had only thistles to eat?"/"Thistle have to do!"

"What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?"/"He wiped his ass."

"What did the cannibal eat at the Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow Man."

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cat say when he lost all his money?"/"I'm paw!"

"What did the cauliflower bank robber say to the broccoli getaway driver?"/"Floret."

"What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?"/"Halloumi!"

"What did the chicken do when she saw a bucket of fried chicken?"/"She kicked the bucket!"

"What did the chocolate sauce say to the ice cream?"/"I'm sweet on you!"

"What did the college football player get on his SATs?"/"Drool"

"What did the cute Starburst say to the Mars Bar?"/"Going my Milky Way?"

"What did the deer forget when trying to make pizza?"/"The doe."

"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?"/"Look grandpa! No hands!"

"What did the dog get when he graduated from school?"/"A pedigree."

"What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?"/"Cool ranch."

"What did the egg say when it got turned up?"/"Om lit."

"What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?"/"Hogs and kisses."

"What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams?" (joke)

"What did the ghost teacher say to her class?"/"Watch the board and I'll go through it again!"

"What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?"/"A cookie sheet."

"What did the grape say when it was crushed?" (joke)

"What did the grape say to the peanut butter?"/"'Tis the season to be jelly."

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"/"Breathe!"

"What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'?"/"I've been flamed!"

"What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?"/"Pack your trunk!"

"What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?"/"I'm the wiener!"

"What did the hot dog vendor say at the World Trade Center?" (joke)

"What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?" (joke)

"What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?"/"I've got my eye on you!"

"What did the husband do after forgetting his wife's birthday?"/"Cauliflower shop!"

"What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?"/"Beam me up biscotti."

"What did the Italian say after he ate an eel pizza?"/"That's a moray."

"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?"/"Supplies!"

"What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?"/"Only one cannoli."

"What did the leprechaun do for a living?"/"He was a short-order cook."

"What did the lettuce say to the celery?"/"Quit stalking me!"

"What did the man ask the Jamaican chef?"/"What Jamaican?"

"What did the mom coffee bean say to the kid coffee bean?"/"You're grounded."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a lawn mower?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a revolving door?"/"It won't be long now."

"What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?"/"Pleased to eat you."

"What did the painter say to the wall?"/"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the pancake say to the baseball player?"/"Batter up!"

"What did the Pilgrims use to bake cakes?"/"May-flour."

"What did the potato chip say to the battery?"/"If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-Lay."

"What did the rabbit say to the carrot?"/"It’s been nice gnawing you."

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Hey. what's shaking?"

"What did the salt say to the pepper?"/"Season's greetings."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the sandwich say to the doorman?"/"Please lettuce in."

"What did the sheep say to the shepherd?"/"Season's bleatings!"

"What did the shoe say to the gum?"/"Stick with me and we'll go places."

"What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?"/"Get out of my face."

"What did the suicide bomber teacher say to his students?"/"I'm only going to show this once."

"What did the sushi say to the bee?"/"Wasabi."

"What did the tornado say to the car?"/"You wanna go for a spin?"

"What did the tree say after a long winter?"/"What a re-leaf!"

"What did the turkey say before it was roasted?"/"Boy! I'm stuffed!"

"What did the turkey say to the computer?"/"Google, google!"

"What did the TV say to the remote?"/"You turn me on."

"What did the whip cream say to Indiana Jones?"/"Cool Whip."

"What did the wicked chicken lay?"/"Deviled eggs."

"What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?"/"She witch-hiked."

"What did the young pancake say to the old one?"/"I don't like your flip side."

"What difference does it make?"

"What dinosaur loves pancakes?"/"A tri-syrup-tops."

"What disease did 'cured ham' actually have?" (joke)

"What does an auctioneer need to know?"/"Lots."

"What does a blind man use to ski?"/"A skiing eye dog."

"What does a cannibalistic cow eat?"/"Can o bull."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?"/"Meals on wheels."

"What does a cannibal call a stoner?"/"Pot roast."

"What does a cannibal drink in the morning?"/"A cup of Joe."

"What does a clock do when it's hungry?"/"It goes back four seconds."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?"/"Find the nearest skyscraper."

"What does a cow ride when his car is broken?"/"A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle."

"What does a drummer use for contraception?"/" His personality."

"What does a fart from a hard-core milk drinker smell like?"/"Dairy-air."

"What does a fat cow give you?"/"Homework!"

"What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?"/"Reservations!"

"What does a Jewish pirate say?"/"Ahoy vey!"

"What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?"/"Taller."

"What does a nosy pepper do?"/"It gets jalapeño business."

"What does a physicist have for lunch?"/"Fission chips."

"What does a redneck and yeast have in common?"/"They are both in bread."

"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?"/"Synonym rolls."

"What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?"/"A stake sandwich."

"What does a vampire order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Chow vein."

"What does a vegan pirate do in jail?"/"Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!"

"What does a vegan zombie eat?"/"Graaaiinns!"

"What does cheese like to drink?"/"Morbier."

"What does garlic do when it gets hot?"/"It takes its cloves off."

"What does Kmart stand for?"/"Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too."

"What does the Easter bunny order at a Chinese restaurant?"/"Hop suey."

"What does the military use acid for?"/"To neutralize the enemy base."

"What does WTC stand for?"/"What Trade Center?"

"What dog can tell the time?"/"A watch dog."

"What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?"/"Depreciation."

"What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?" (lawyer joke)

"What do call something that is average at making egg whites?"/"A medi-yolker."

"What do cannibals eat for breakfast?"/"Buttered host."

"What do cannibals put in their soup?"/"Ramen."

"What do cars do at the disco?"/"Brake dance."

"What do cats read in the morning?"/"Mewspapers."

"What do cat actors say on stage?"/"Tabby or not tabby!"

"What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?"/"No ballroom."

"What do cows eat for breakfast?"/"Moosli."

"What do cows get when they do all their chores?"/"Mooney."

"What do cows like to listen to?"/"Moo-sic!"

"What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?"/"They get their masters."

"What do ducks eat for breakfast?"/"Quacker Oats."

"What do elves do after school?"/"Gnomework."

"What do farmers use to make crop circles?"/"A protractor."

"What do fish need to stay healthy?"/"Vitamin Sea."

"What do frogs drink?"/"Hot croako."

"What do ghosts drink?"/"Ghoul-Aid."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Dreaded wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Ghost Toasties."

"What do ghosts eat for breakfast?"/"Scream of Wheat."

"What do ghosts eat for dessert?"/"I scream (ice scream)."

"What do ghosts eat for dinner?"/"Ghoulash."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Boo-logna sandwiches."

"What do ghosts eat for lunch?"/"Spookghetti."

"What do ghosts put on their bagels?"/"Scream cheese."

"What do ghosts put on their mashed potatoes?"/"Grave-y."

"What do ghosts read at a concert?"/"Sheet music."

"What do hillbillies drink out of?"/"Hiccups."

"What do history teachers make when they want to get together?"/"Dates."

"What do Italians eat on Halloween?"/"Fettuccine Afraid-o."

"What do lawyers do after they die?"/"They lie still."

"What do lawyers wear to court?"/"Law suits."

"What do leprechauns love to barbecue?"/"Short ribs."

"What do Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?"/"Both were shot before a live audience."

"What do little ghosts drink?"/"Evaporated milk."

"What do math teachers call retirement?"/"The 'aftermath.'"

"What do math teachers do on Thanksgiving?"/"Count their blessings"

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?"/"Little Caesars."

"What do politicians and porn stars have in common?"/"They’re experts at switching positions."

"What do ramen noodles and ketchup taste like together?"/"Poverty."

"What do rednecks do on Halloween?"/"Pump kin."

"What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?"/"Horn-aments."

"What do Santa's elves learn at school?"/"The elfabet."

"What do sea monsters eat?"/"Fish and ships."

"What do skeletons say before they begin dining?"/"Bone appétit."

"What do snowmen call their offspring?"/"Chill-dren."

"What do snowmen eat for breakfast?"/"Frosted Flakes."

"What do snowmen wear on their heads?"/"Ice caps."

"What do Spanish clocks say?"/"Tick taco."

"What do spuds use to modify their body?"/"Potattoos."

"What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?"/"Their yammies."

"What do they call Chinese food in China?"

"What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?"/"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"What do the New York Rangers and the Titanic have in common?" (hockey joke)

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?" (joke)

"What do tired line dancers do?"/"They line down."

"What do transgenders put on their salad?"/"Crossdressing."

"What do two communists have in common?"/"Everything."

"What do vampires play poker for?"/"High stakes."

"What do vegans and vampires have in common?"/"They both hate stakes."

"What do vegans say during sex?"/"Artichoke me."

"What do we want? LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!" (joke)

"What do witches ask for at a hotel?"/"Broom service."

"What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?"/"Prime mates."

"What do you call 500 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start." (lawyer joke)

"What do you call aged pasta?"/"Ravioldi."

"What do you call an alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks & animal fat?"/"An extra cholesterol"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest?"/"An investigator."

"What do you call an ant who skips school?"/"A truant."

"What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down stairs?"/"A condescending con descending."

"What do you call an atheist business?"/"A non-prophet organization."

"What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?"/"A miracle."

"What do you call an emo vegetable?"/"A despair-agus."

"What do you call an empty hot dog?/"A halloweenie."

"What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?"/"Cheese was."

"What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?"/"The referee."

"What do you call an everyday potato?"/"A commentator."

"What do you call an ice cream truck operator?"/"A sundae driver."

"What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?"/"A desserted island."

"What do you call an Italian search engine?"/"Bada Bing."

"What do you call a pious pepper?"/"A holy peño."

"What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men?"/"A pastryarchy."

"What do you call a BBQ pun?"/"A meataphor."

"What do you call a bear with no teeth?"/"A gummy bear."

"What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?"/"A tattoo."

"What do you call a bird who drinks too much?"/"An owlcoholic."

"What do you call a black man flying a plane?"/"A pilot, you racist!"

"What do you call a block of cheese that hasn't been shredded?"/"Ungrateful."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?"/"Branch Manager."

"What do you call a boat carrying vodka, penises and potatoes?"/"An Absolut dick tater ship."

"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?"/"Church."

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"/"A stick."

"What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?"/"A flamethrower."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of bad chemistry students?"/"Molasses."

"What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?"/"The NBA."

"What do you call a cat that eats lemons?"/"A sourpuss."

"What do you call a ceiling bill that makes you pass out?"/"A roof fee!"

"What do you call a chef under stress?"/"A pressure cooker."

"What do you call a Chicago Cubs player with a World Series ring?"/"A thief."

"What do you call a chicken crossing the road?"/"Poultry in motion."

"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?"/"Chicken sees a salad."

"What do you call a chicken with a bad sunburn?"/"Fried chicken."

"What do you call a Chinese billionaire?"/"Cha Ching."

"What do you call a Chinese crab?"/"A crust-asian."

"What do you call a circle of $100 bills?"/"Aretha Franklins."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clock's signature?"/"It's John Hanclock."

"What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?"/"A jig mistake."

"What do you call a cold burrito?"/"A brrrrrrito."

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"/"A chili dog on a bun."

"What do you call a communist pirate ship?"/"The USS-ARRR."

"What do you call a Communist sniper?"/"A Marxman."

"What do you call a cow during an earthquake?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on a trampoline?"/"A milk shake."

"What do you call a cow on stilts?"/"Raising the steaks."

"What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?"/"A milk dud."

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?"/"Decaffeinated."

"What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?"/"Cacao."

"What do you call a cow with a twitch?"/"Beef jerky."

"What do you call a cow with five legs?"/"Rare."

"What do you call a cow with no legs?"/"Ground beef."

"What do you call a cow with one leg?"/"Steak."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Lean beef."

"What do you call a cow with three legs?"/"Tri-tip."

"What do you call a cow with two legs?"/"Your mom."

"What do you call a crazy chicken?"/"A cuckoo cluck."

"What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?"/"An alley gator."

"What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?"/"A beer-a-cuda."

"What do you call a day old pastry?"/"Yesterdanish."

"What do you call a deer that eats pickles?"/"A dill doe."

"What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?"/"Denis."

"What do you call a depressed cow?"/"An emoo."

"What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?"/"A leper-con."

"What do you call a disobedient kid who doesn't believe in Santa?"/"A rebel without a Claus."

"What do you call a doctor who is on call 24/7?"/"An oncologist."

"What do you call a Drosophila who likes to drink?"/" A bar fly."

"What do you call a drummer with half a brain?"/"Gifted."

"What do you call a drunk humanitarian?"/"A philanthroPISSED."

"What do you call a fancy hotel that is hard to find?"/"The Waldo Astoria."

"What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern?"/"A plumpkin."

"What do you call a fat psychic?"/"A four-chin teller."

"What do you call a feminist government?"/"A dick-hater-ship."

"What do you call a fireman who lost his job?"/"A firedman."

"What do you call a flying monkey?"/"A hot air baboon."

"What do you call a frog spy?"/"A croak and dagger agent."

"What do you call a frozen dog?"/"A pupsicle."

"What do you call a funny fortune cookie?"/"An inside joke."

"What do you call a gay milkman?"/"A dairy queen."

"What do you call a ghost at a hotel?"/"An inn spectre."

"What do you call a ghost who runs his own business?"/"A hauntrepreneur."

"What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?"/"Bernadette."

"What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?"/"Annette."

"What do you call a girl who works in a sunbed shop?"/"Tanya."

"What do you call a group of millionaires watching the World Series?" (joke)

"What do you call a group of musicians who stole all of their instruments?"/"Bandits."

"What do you call a group of pirate ships?"/"An Arrrrrmada!"

"What do you call a group of whales playing instruments?"/"An orca-stra."

"What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?"/"A music critic."

"What do you call a guy in debt?"/"Owen."

"What do you call a happy cowboy?"/"A jolly rancher."

"What do you call a haunted chicken?"/"A poultry-geist."

"What do you call a helpful potato?"/"A facilitater."

"What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?"/"Beef Stroganoff."

"What do you call a high-priced barber shop?"/"A clip joint."

"What do you call a hotel that offers a breakfast of Eggs Benedict?"/"A Hollandaise Inn."

"What do you call a laughing motorcycle?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a laughing piano?"/"A Yamahahahahaha."

"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?"/"Your Honor" (lawyer joke)

"What do you call a line dancer on a cruise?"/"An ocean liner."

"What do you call a mad nut?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a matador who gets trampled? A dor mat"

"What do you call a Mexican drowning in mayonnaise?"/"Sinko de Mayo."

"What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?"/"A cell-ist."

"What do you call a midget on the subway?"/"A metro gnome."

"What do you call a mischievous egg?"/"A practical yolker."

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?"/"Homeless."

"What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?"/"A pistachio."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a Native American cook?"/"A Sioux chef."

"What do you call a nightmare about paper?"/"A bad ream."

"What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?"/"Retired."

"What do you call a person who plays the viola?"/"A violator."

"What do you call a phallic-shaped potato?"/"A dictator."

"What do you call a pig with no clothes on?"/"Streaky bacon."

"What do you call a pig in the sun?"/"Bacon."

"What do you call a pig that knows karate?"/"A pork chop."

"What do you call a pig thief?"/"A ham-burglar."

"What do you call a pig with no legs?"/"A groundhog."

"What do you call a pirate who skips class?"/"Captain Hooky."

"What do you call a polite cheesemaker?"/"Curdeous."

"What do you call a potato with glasses?"/"A spectator."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a pretend railway?"/"A play station."

"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?"/"A father in law."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a radio that exercises?"/"Radioactive."

"What do you call a red-headed baker?"/"A ginger bread man."

"What do you call a retired vegetable?"/"A has-bean."

"What do you call a rich elf?"/"Welfy."

"What do you call a Russian tree that grows meat?"/"Dimitri."

"What do you call a sad watermelon?"/"Melancholy."

"What do you call a Scandinavian who only eats plants?"/"A Nor-vegan."

"What do you call a sheep with no legs?"/"A cloud."

"What do you call a shirt with stalks of corn on it?"/"A crop top."

"What do you call a shoe store with only one owner?"/"A sole proprietorship."

"What do you call a short musician in the subway?"/"A metro-gnome."

"What do you call a singing elf?"/"A wrapper."

"What do you call a skinhead who doesn’t eat meat?"/"A vegetaryan." (vegetarian + Aryan)

"What do you call a sleeping pizza?"/"A pizzzza."

"What do you call a snake that works in the government?"/"A civil serpent."

"What do you call a snake who makes a living building passenger airplanes?"/"A Boeing constructor."

"What do you call a snowman on roller blades?"/"A snowmobile."

"What do you call a snowman party?"/"A snowball."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a snowman with a six pack?"/"An abdominal snowman."

"What do you call a snowman with a suntan?"/"A puddle."

"What do you call a spooky burrito?"/"A boo-rito."

"What do you call a stolen Tesla?"/"An Edison."

"What do you call a surreptitious shellfish?"/"Clamdestine."

"What do you call a tea which stays with you for a long time?"/"Loyalty."

"What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public?"/"A private tooter."

"What do you call a teller on a tightrope?"/"Online banking."

"What do you call a temporary teacher fart?"/"A substitoot."

"What do you call a tube with a college degree?"/"A graduated cylinder."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call a vegetable that's standing in line?"/"A queuecumber."

"What do you call a vegetarian Viking?"/"A nor-vegan."

"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?"/"A salad shooter."

"What do you call a waffle on a California beach?"/"A Sandy Eggo."

"What do you call a witch’s garage?"/"A broom closet."

"What do you call a woman who follows the NY Philharmonic around?"/"A symphomaniac."

"What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti?"/"A pastatute."

"What do you call a wooden car with wooden wheels?"/"Wooden go."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Small fry."

"What do you call baby potatoes?"/"Tater tots."

"What do you call bread with your toe jam spread all over it?"/"Toest."

"What do you call cheese by itself?"/"Provolone."

"What do you call cheese that is sad?"/"Bleu cheese."

"What do you call children born in whorehouses?"/"Brothel sprouts."

"What do you call clumsy grapes?"/"Unconcordinated."

"What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor?"/"Feminists."

"What do you call dangerous precipitation?"/"A rain of terror."

"What do you call Dracula with hay fever?"/"The pollen Count."

"What do you call an eternity?"/"Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop."

"What do you call a fake noodle?"/"An impasta."

"What do you call friends who eat together?"/"Taste buds."

"What do you call haunted yogurt?"/"Paranormal Activia."

"What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?"/"Canabananalism."

"What do you call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?"/"Santapplause."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?"/"Fowl weather."

"What do you call it when two chips fall in love?"/"A relation-dip."

"What do you call mashed avocado with milk?"/"Guacam-au-lait."

"What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?"/"Hot, cross bunnies."

"What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?"/"A desserter."

"What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?"/"A matzochist."

"What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?"/"A Las Vegan."

"What do you call someone who doesn't eat meat or vegetables?"/"Dead."

"What do you call someone who doesn't like food fights?"/"A pasta-fist."

"What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?"/"The Top Urner."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Triggernometry."

"What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Trigonometry."

"What do you call two banana skins?"/"A pair of slippers."

"What do you call two men hanging from a window?"/"Kurt n Rod."

"What do you call two people in an ambulance?"/"A pair of medics."

"What do you call two pints of strict rules?"/"A quart of law."

"What do you call two witches who live together?"/"Broommates."

"What do you call a vegan fighting style?"/"Tofu."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call Wikipedia for babies?"/"Wikipedialyte."

"What do you call someone who hangs around musicians?"/"A drummer."

"What do you call an accountant with an opinion?"/"An auditor."

"What do you catch if you go fishing with gummy worms?"/"Swedish Fish."

"What do you do when you don't have any rubber bands?"/"See if you can find a plastic orchestra."

"What do you do when you see a spaceman?"/"You park, man."

"What do you do with an elephant with three balls?"/"Walk him and pitch to the giraffe."

"What do you drain your Brussels sprouts with at Christmas?"/"An Advent colander."

"What do you feed a baby parabola?"/"Quadratic formula."

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a cowmedian?"/"Cream of Wit!"

"What do you get from a drunk chicken?"/"Scotch eggs."

"What do you get from a forgetful cow?"/"Milk of amnesia."

"What do you get from a pampered cow?"/"Spoiled milk."

"What do you get from eating too much guacamole?"/"Guacoma."

"What do you get if you boil funnybones?"/"A laughing stock."

"What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?"/"Monkfish."

"What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"/"A brick-layer."

"What do you get if you cross a drummer with a musician?"/"A bass player."

"What do you get if you cross a grocery clerk with a scientist?"/"Market research."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?"/"Puff pastry."

"What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?"/"You get light music."

"What do you get if you cross a leprechaun with a Texan?"/"Pot of chili at the end of the rainbow."

"What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?"/"The collie-wobbles."

"What do you get if you cross a snake and a hot dog?"/"A fangfurter."

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?"/"A yam session!"

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?"/"A flat fish."

"What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?"/"A snake in the brass."

"What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?"/"Crisp Cringle."

"What do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans?"/"A brews."

"What do you get when you ask a politician for the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth?"

"What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?"/"A pineapple."

"What do you get when an cross an elephant with a RINO?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?" (joke)

"What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?"/"A hot-diggity-dog."

"What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?"/"A gingerbreadmon."

"What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?"/"Another lawyer."

"What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a cow?"/"Blue cheese."

"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?"/"Frostbite."

"What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?"/"Lots of blood tests."

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?"/"A rash of good luck."

"What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?"

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald's?"/"A Shamrock Shake."

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?" (joke)

"What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?"/"Squash."

"What do you get when you eat bad pizza?"/"Pizzarrhea."

"What do you get when you mix beans and onions?"/"Tear gas."

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a country song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?"

"What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?"/"Pulled pork."

"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?"/"Hot cross bunnies."

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT." (Gay BLT)

"What do you get when you take green cheese & divide its circumference by its diameter?"/"Moon pi."

"What do you give a dog with a fever?"/"Mustard -- it's the best thing for a hot dog!"

"What do you give to a man who has everything?"/"Penicillin."

"What do you give to a sick lemon?"/"Lemon aid."

"What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?"/" Lots."

"What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? (lawyer joke)

"What do you need to make dill bread?"/"Dill dough."

"What do you say to an overworked clothing maker?"/"You seamstressed."

"What do you say to a leprechaun?"/"How's the weather down there?"

"What do you say to a Mexican body builder who's out of protein powder?"/"No whey, José."

"What do you say to a naked pig?"/"I never sausage a body."

"What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car?"/"Audi."

"What do you say to a vegetarian in a coma?"/"You are what you eat."

"What do you say when your pea rolls away?"/"It's an escape-pea!"

"What do you think about the execution of the team?" (sports joke)

"What do you think of Flushing, New York?"/"I think it would be a good idea."

"What do you think of my Irish stew?"/"It could use a pinch of Gaelic."

"What do you think of the musician's execution?"/"I'm in favor of it."

"What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners" (lawyer joke)

"What do you use to buy bar drinks?"/"Bar tender."

"What do you wear to a Thanksgiving dinner?"/"A har-vest."

"What drink always has a cold?"/"Cough-ee."

"What exercise did Jesus do?"/"CrossFit."

"What falls down but never gets hurt?"/"Rain."

"What famous Greek might have invented baseball?'/"Homer."

"What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?"/"Snow."

"What follows two days of rain in Oregon? Monday!" (joke)

"What food are you able to can?"/"Cannibal (can able) food."

"What food can't make up its mind?"/"A waffle."

"What food is good for the brain?"/"Noodle soup."

"What four days start with the letter 'T'?" (riddle)

"What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?"/"A Piña Colonic."

"What fruits do twins like best?"/"Pears."

"What gets bigger the more you take from it?"/"The lower class."

"What gets measured gets managed" ("You can't manage what you can't measure")

"What ghost is handy in the kitchen?"/"A recipe spook."

"What goes around, comes around"

"What goes up when the rain comes down?"/"An umbrella."

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can't buy a hamburger?"

"What good fortune for governments that the people do not think"

"What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?"/"They toasted the bride and groom."

"What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?"/"Its bark was much worse than its bite."

"What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?"/"He was eggspelled."

"What happened to the Indian chief who drank too much tea?"/"He drowned in his tea-pee."

"What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?"/"He got 25 days."

"What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?"/"He had to give it back."

"What happened when the barman died?"/"The police held an inn-quest."

"What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?"/"There was some money in the kitty!"

"What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?"/"It stole the show!"

"What happened when the escalator broke down?"/"Everyone stopped and staired!"

"What happened when the turkey got into a fight?"/"He got the stuffing knocked out of him."

"What happened when the waiter dropped the Thanksgiving meal?" (joke)

"What happens at a bulimic's bachelor party?"/"The cake jumps out of the girl."

"What happens if we invest money to develop our people and they leave?"

"What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?"/"Every morning you’ll rise and shine!"

"What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?"/"The actors get stage fright."

"What happens when frogs park illegally?"/"They get toad."

"What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?"/"Udder chaos."

"What happens when two pastries divorce?"/"They have a custardy battle."

"What has 18 legs and catches flies?"/"A baseball team."

"What has 22 legs and 2 wings, but can't fly?"/"A football team."

"What has a head and a tail, but no body?"/"A coin."

"What has four legs and flies?"/"A picnic table."

"What has four wheels and flies?"/"A garbage truck."

"What has no legs, but can do a split?"/"A banana."

"What has one horn and gives milk?"/"A milk truck."

"What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?" (bingo joke)

"What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery!" (Kinky Friedman)

"What has three legs and an asshole on top?"/"A drum stool."

"What hides in the bakery at Christmas?"/"Mince spy."

"What hired killer never goes to jail?"/"The exterminator."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What hotel do mice stay in?/"The Stilton."

"What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?"

"What if algebra teachers are really pirates and they are using us to find 'X'?"

"What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?"

"What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?" (joke)

"What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?"

"What if the lottery is an institution to catch time travelers?"

"What if tinfoil producers create conspiracies so people buy their tinfoil?"

"What if your father was a horse thief?" (political affiliation joke)

"What instrument does a skeleton play?"/"A trombone."

"What is an American's favorite type of music?"/"Royalty free."

"What is an astronomer?"/"A night watchman with a college education."

"What is an autograph?"/"A chart which shows car sales."

"What is a baseball dog?"/"One that chases fowls."

"What is a bear's favorite drink?"/"Koka-Koala."

"What is a cannibal?"/"Someone who is fed up with people."

"What is a cannibal's favorite cheese?"/"Limburger."

"What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?"/"Five Guys."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a classical musician's favorite Chinese food?"/"Bach Choy."

"What is a communist? One who hath yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings."

"What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?"/"Bullogna."

"What is a crazy pickle?"/"A daffydill."

"What is a criminal's favorite font?"/"Sans Sheriff."

"What is a crowbar?"/"A place were crows go to get a drink."

"What is a customary greeting from a cannibal?"/"He presents you with a handshake."

"What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?"/"Comet."

"What is a duck's favorite dance?"/"The quackstep."

"What is a duck's favorite snack?"/"Quackers."

"What is a feminist's favorite fruit?"/"Mango."

"What is a frog's favorite drink?"/"Croak-a-cola."

"What is a ghost's favorite game?"/"Hide-and-ghost-seek."

"What is a ghost's favorite party game?"/"Hide-and-go-shriek."

"What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?"/"Necktarines."

"What is a goblin’s favorite cheese?"/"Monster-ella."

"What is a hermit?"/"A girl's baseball glove."

"What is a Jewish dilemma?"/"Free ham."

"What is a jihadist's favorite kind of pepper?"/"Allahpeño."

"What is a lion's favorite cheese?"/"Roar-quefort."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer."

"What is a math teacher's favorite sum?"/"Summer!"

"What is a mummy's favorite type of music?"/"Wrap."

"What is a pirate's favorite drink?"/"Hi-C."

"What is a pirate's favorite type of music?"/"Arr and B!"

"What is a pregnant woman to a cannibal?"/"Kinder Surprise."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?"/"Squash."

"What is a relative minor?"/"A country western musician's girlfriend."

"What is a salmon's least favorite type of pastry?"/"Bear claws."

"What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?"/"Straw-berries."

"What is a sheep's favorite fruit?"/"A baa-nana."

"What is a snake's favorite subject at school?"/"Hiss-tory."

"What is a snowman's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a soup's favorite sport?"/"Bowling."

"What is a turkey's favorite dessert?"/"Peach gobbler."

"What is a witch's favorite subject in school?"/"Spelling."

"What is black when it is clean and white when it is dirty?"/"A blackboard."

"What is Canada's favorite board game?"/"Sorry!"

"What is copper nitrate?"/"Overtime for policemen."

"What is Count Dracula's favorite snack?"/"A fangfurter."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?"/"A walnut."

"What is Frosty's favorite dinner?"/"Spaghetti and snowballs."

"What is full of raisins and on a secret mission?"/"Mince spy."

"What is it called when you kill a chickpea?"/"Hummuside."

"What is musical and handy in a supermarket?"/"A Chopin Liszt."

"What is one plus one?" (accounting joke)

"What is Pac-Man's favorite piece of cookware?"/"A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok."

"What is Perseus's least favorite cheese?"/"Gorgonzola."

"What is Peter Pan's favorite fast food restaurant?"/"Wendy's."

"What is small, furry and smells like bacon?"/"A hamster."

"What is small, red and whispers?"/"A hoarse radish."

"What is the best butter in the world?"/"A goat."

"What is the color of a hamburger?"/"Burgundy."

"What is the color of the wind?"/"Blew."

"What is the definition of a financial genius?" (joke)

"What is the definition of Death?"/"When you stop paying taxes suddenly."

"What is the definition of 'derange'?"/"De place where de cowboys ride."

"What is the difference between an engineer and a school teacher?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit banknote?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?" (riddle)

"What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?"/"It’s all in the grip."

"What is the Easter bunny's favorite sport?"/"Basket-ball."

"What is the first derivative of a cow?"/"A prime rib."

"What is the healthiest kind of water?"/"Well water."

"What is the holiest chord?"/"G sus."

"What is the king of the classroom?"/"The ruler."

"What is the leader of popcorn called?"/"The kernel."

"What is the left side of an apple?"/"The part that you don't eat."

"What is the loudest sport?"/"Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet."

"What is the most well behaved drink?"/"Tea because the others are not tea."

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"

"What is the preferred sandwich of the working class?"/"A plebian-J."

"What is the quietest sport?"/"Bowling, because you can hear a pin drop."

"What is the volume of an object with depth a and radius z?"/"Pi z z a."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?"/"A catameringue."

"What it do"

"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day"

"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present"

"What job did the frog have at the hotel?"/"Bell hop."

"What keeps Gouda up at night?"/"The Muenster under the bed."

"What key has legs and can't open doors?"/"A turkey."

"What kind of ants are very learned?"/"Pedants."

"What kind of ant is good at math?"/"An accountant."

"What kind of apple has a short temper?"/"A crab apple."

"What kind of bagel can fly?"/"A plain bagel."

"What kind of ball doesn't bounce?"/"A snowball."

"What kind of band plays snappy music?"/"A rubber band."

"What kind of bar do fish go to?"/"A sand bar."

"What kind of beans don't grow in a garden?"/"Jelly beans."

"What kind of bee gives milk?"/"A boobie."

"What kind of bow can't be tied?"/"A rainbow."

"What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?"/"Shortbread."

"What kind of bunny can't hop?"/"A chocolate one."

"What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?"/"A stomach cake."

"What kind of candy do zombies refuse to eat?"/"Life Savers."

"What kind of car does an egg drive?"/"A Yolkswagon."

"What kind of car will a bitcoiner never drive?"/"A Fiat."

"What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse?"/"Mascarpone."

"What kind of clothes do zombies wear?"/"Decay NY."

"What kind of coffee does a vampire drink?"/"De-coffinated."

"What kind of coffee do cops drink?"/"Coppicino."

"What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?"/"Sanka."

"What kind of company is a 24-hour hamburger joint?"/"Fry-by-night."

"What kind of cup can't hold water?"/"A cupcake."

"What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?"/"A URLologist."

"What kind of driver never gets a ticket?"/"A screwdriver."

"What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?"/"Cauliflowers."

"What kind of food does your toe eat?"/"Dori-toes."

"What kind of headaches do wheat farmers get?"/"My grains."

"What kind of keys do kids carry?"/"Cookies."

"What kind of key do you have to cook before using?"/"A latke."

"What kind of key opens a banana?"/"A monkey."

"What kind of key opens a haunted house?"/"A spoo-key."

"What kind of lights did Noah have in the ark?"/"Arc lights."

"What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?"/"Floodlights."

"What kind of magic does a vegan wizard use?"/"Soycery."

"What kind of milk do they use to make Swiss cheese?"/"Hole milk."

"What kind of money do they use in space?"/"Starbucks."

"What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?"/"The cast-a-net."

"What kind of music are scissors afraid of?"/"Rock music."

"What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?"/"Plymouth rock."

"What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?"/"Shamrock 'n' roll."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R & Brie."

"What kind of music does cheese listen to?"/"R&Brie."

"What kind of music do wind turbines like?"/"They're big metal fans."

"What kind of paper likes music?"/"Wrapping paper."

"What kind of pasta is made from horses?"/"Spaghetti bowl o' neighs."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of phone makes music?"/"A saxophone."

"What kind of pig plays basketball?"/"A ball hog."

"What kind of pizza do pilots like?"/"Plain."

"What kind of robbery is not dangerous?"/"A safe robbery."

"What kind of school does a carpenter go to?"/"Boarding school."

"What kind of shoes does a plumber wear?"/"Clogs."

"What kind of shoes does bread wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shoes do bakers wear?"/"Loafers."

"What kind of shorts do clouds wear?"/"Thunderwear."

"What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?"/"Royal-tea."

"What kind of tea is hard to swallow?"/"Reality."

"What kind of tree has no money?"/"Burr oak."

"What kind of TV do you find inside a haunted house?"/"A wide scream TV."

"What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?"/"Fruit of the moon."

"What kind of vegetables did they eat in the 18th century?"/"Baroque-oli."

"What kind of vegetable is jealous?"/"A green bean."

"What kind of vitamin do you get from Canadian maple syrup?"/"Vitamin Eh?"

"What kind of water do you put into a waterbed?"/"Spring water."

"What kind of water do cats like to drink?"/"Purr-ified water."

"What kind of wine do horses drink?"/"Caberneigh."

"What kind of woman do you take me for?”/“We’ve already established that" (Churchill?)

"What language does a billboard speak?"/"Sign language."

"What language is most commonly used in programming?"/"Profanity."

"What lights up a football stadium?"/"A football match."

"What line of work should you recommend to an alcoholic, scruffy bum with an attitude?" (joke)

"What looks like half of an apple?"/"The other half."

"What major city is the most feminist?"/"Manhatin'."

"What makes music on your head?"/"A head band."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What musical instrument goes with cheese?"/"Picklelo."

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Daily Moos."

"What newspaper do cows read?"/"The Moo York Times."

"What news on the Rialto?" (The Rialto theatre district)

"What New Yorkers Line Up For" (Soup Man)

"What New Yorkers Watch" & "As New York As It Gets" (WNYW, Fox 5)

"What, no spinach?"

"What nut has no shell?"/"A dough-nut."

"What Our Recovery Knows" ("work" backronym)

"What part of the chicken is the nugget/croquette/popcorn?"

"What prize did the meteorologist win for coming in last?"/"A precipitation trophy."

"What pronouns should you use for a chocolate bar?"/"Her/she."

"What rhymes with orange?"/"No, it doesn't."

"What room can you not enter?"/"A mushroom."

"What runs around a baseball field, but never moves?"/"A fence."

"What school do you have to drop out to graduate from?"/"Parachute school."

"What school supply is always tired?"/"A knapsack."

"What screams 'I'm insecure'?"/"HTTP."

"What seems to be the officer, problem?" ("What's the officer problem?")

"What should you say when the Statue of Liberty sneezes?"/"God bless America."

"What smells best at Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Your nose."

"What song do burgers sing on the job?"/"Gristle While You Work!"

"What sort of vegetable can your father make with scissors?"/"Pa snips."

"What sound does a turkey's cell phone make?"/"WING WING!!"

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What sport are eggs good at?"/"Running."

"What stars go to jail?"/"Shooting stars."

"What Starts Here Changes the World" (University of Texas)

"What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?" (food riddle)

"What streets do ghosts haunt?"/"Dead ends."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"/"Rue Dolph."

"What superhero do you want on your baseball team?"/"Batman."

"What surfs the internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'?"/"Thomas the Search Engine."

"What tea do footballers drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What tea do hockey players drink?"/"Penaltea."

"What Texas Makes, Makes Texas"

What the community boards do (and do they really represent the community?)

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and a hooker with diarrhea?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?" (joke)

"What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?"/"You cry when you cut up an onion."

"What the French toast?"

What the Manhattan borough president does

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to"

"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians"

"What time do ducks wake up?"/"At the quack of dawn."

"What time is it?"/"Do you mean right now?" (Yogi Berra)

"What time is it when you sit on a pin?"/"Spring time."

"What travels around the world but stays in one corner?" (riddle)

"What turns a fruit into a vegetable?"/"AIDS."

"What type of cheese is made backwards?"/"Edam."

"What type of magazines do cows read?"/"Cattlelogs."

"What type of sense of humor does rain have?"/"A very wet sense of humor."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What type of singer sings about candy?"/"A candy wrapper."

"What vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?"/"Beets me."

"What vegetable makes birds fart?"/"A sparrow gas."

"What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?"/"Ba-na-na-na."

"What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?"/"A double Manhattan."

"What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?"/"A tangent."

"What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?"

"What was the unknown baker's name?"/"John Dough."

"What were the Aggie's last words?" / "Hey y'all, watch this!"(joke)

"What we resist, persists"

"What we teach children to love and desire outweighs what we make them learn"

"What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for"

"What wobbles and flies?"/"A jellycopter."

"What wobbles when it flies?"/"A jelly-copter."

"What would be a Cornish pirate's favorite cheese?"/"Yarrrrg."

"What would Economics be without assumptions?"/"Accounting."

"What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up"

"What Would Jesus Brew?" (WWJB)

"What Would Jesus Do?" (WWJD); "What Would Reagan Do?" (WWRD)

"What Would Julia Do?" (WWJD)

"What would you find on a haunted beach?"/"A sand witch."

"What you appreciate appreciates"

"What you eat in private you wear in public"

"What you eat today walks and talks tomorrow"

Wheatheart of the Nation (Perryton slogan)

"Wheel, wheel, wheel, if it isn't the tricycle"

"Whenever I go running, I meet new people...like paramedics"

"Whenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass,'I wonder how it got there"

"Whenever I want a Klondike bar, I just pay for it"

"Whenever my wife packs me salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong"

Whenever (W subway line)

"Whenever you don’t know who the loser is in a transaction, then the loser is you”

"Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision"

"When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?

"When all else fails… Pizza & Beer"

"When all else fails, read the instructions"

"When all is said and done, more is said than done"

"When anyone says he's a country boy, you better put your hand on your wallet"

"When any nation mistrusts its citizens with guns it is sending a clear message"

"When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye"

"When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground" (proverb)

"When a cannibal under cooks a psychic: medium rare"

"When a clock battery dies, the clock records the time of its death"

"When a computer overheats, it freezes"

"When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps..."

"When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window"

"When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money"

"When a habit begins to cost money, it is called a hobby"

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, either the car is new or the wife is"

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband and half the salary"

"When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: He hasn't any"

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"

"When a man with money meets a man with experience..."

"When a politician does get an idea he usually gets it wrong"

"When a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick"

"When a vegan goes missing do they put them on a soymilk carton?"

"When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour"

"When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion"

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?"

"When Christianity came to America, it became a business"

"When did the Japanese start eating omelettes?"/"A long tamago."

"When did you stop beating your wife?"/"When her chess game improved."

"When doesn't a telephone work underwater?"/"When it's wringing wet."

"When does an astronaut eat?"/"At launch time."

"When does a ghost have breakfast?"/"In the moaning."

"When does a hunger strike stop?"/"When hunger strikes."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it leaves you and never comes back."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When it's fully groan."

"When does a joke become a dad joke?"/"When the punchline becomes apparent."

"When does a lawyer make coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When does a sandwich cook?"/"When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato."

"When does it rain money?"/"Whenever there's some change in the weather."

"When does New Year's Day come before Christmas?"/"Every year!"

"When does the leprechaun cross the road?"/"When it’s green!"

"When do burgers quit their jobs?"/"The day they decide to meat loaf."

"When do cannibals leave the table?"/"When everyone's eaten."

"When do clocks die?"/"When their time is up."

"'When do we eat stuff?' -My brain, all day"

"When do you go on red and stop on green?"/"When eating a watermelon."

"When do you serve tofu turkey?"/"Pranksgiving."

"When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers"

"When even shoeshine boys are giving you stock tips, it's time to sell" (Joseph P. Kennedy?)

"When everybody gets to one side of the boat, it usually tips over"

"When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority"

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that an airplane takes off against wind"

"When every other land rejects us, this is the soil that freely takes us" ("Texas" folk etymology)

"When E. F. Hutton talks, people listen" (E. F. Hutton)

"When Greek meets Greek, they open a restaurant"

"When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns"

"When has a man a right to scold his wife about his coffee?"/"When he has sufficient grounds."

"When hell freezes over, I'll play hockey there, too"

"When homeless people ask me for change, I tell them 'change comes from within'"

"When I'm at work it's sunny and nice, after work, cold and raining"

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty" ('When injustice is law, rebellion is duty")

"When in charge, ponder; When in trouble, delegate; When in doubt, mumble"

"When in doubt, do right" ("When in doubt, do the right thing")

"When in doubt, get out" or "When in doubt, stay out" (Wall Street adage)

"When in doubt, pedal it out"

"When in doubt, throw it out" (food spoilage rule)

"When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?"/"When it's a FRENCH fry!"

"When is soup musical?"/"When it's piping hot."

"When is the best time for a dental appointment?"/"Tooth-hurty (2:30)."

"When is the best time to buy a boat?"/"When it's on sail."

"When it's over, leave. Don't continue watering a dead flower"

"When it becomes serious, you have to lie"

"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing"

"When it comes to sneaking chocolate into the movies, I have a couple Twix up my sleeve"

"When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars"

"When it snows, you have two choices -- shovel or make snow angels"

"When I accidentally bought the wrong type of bread, my day had gone a rye"

"When I asked a taxidermist what she did for a living, she replied with 'You know, stuff'"

"When I die, bury me in Chicago because I want to remain politically active"

"When I die, I want the Mets to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time"

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave" (joke)

"When I exercise, I wear all black -- it's like a funeral for my fat"

"When I found out my microwave wasn't waterproof, I was shocked"

"When I hear somebody sigh that 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'"

When I make a mistake, it's a beaut!

"When I order pizza online and there’s a 'Notes' box, I put 'Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON'"

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"

"When I said 'nuke the Chinese,' I meant put the takeout in the microwave"

"When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed"

"When I see a bruised apple at the grocery store, I hold it close & whisper, 'Who did this to you?'"

"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion"

"When I was in school a policeman came in & did a talk on drugs. I didn't understand a word he said"

"When Jesus is born, I get presents. When Jesus dies, I get chocolate"

"When life gives you lemons. Life probably stole those lemons from some nice old lady"

"When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it"

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye"

"When life gives you melons, buy a bra"

"When life shuts a door, open it again. That's how doors work"

"When making mac & cheese I didn't use a colander long enough; wife gave me a restraining order"

"When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws"

"When my father came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold..."

"When my friend mixed onions with nitrous oxide, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry"

"When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport"

"When nudists are nervous about giving a speech, do they imagine everyone with their clothes on?"

"When one door closes, another one opens. It's the fridge"

"When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that stays shut"

"When people have nothing left to lose, they lose it"

"When people rob banks, they go to jail; when banks rob people, they get bonuses"

"When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat, too?"

"When pleasure interferes with business, give up business" (business proverb)

"When poison expires, does it become more poisonous or less poisonous?"

"When police arrest a mentally unstable person, technically that qualifies as busting a nut"

"When presidents can't run for re-election, they run for the Nobel Peace Prize"

"When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other's sentences?"

"When profit is the motor of society, destruction is considered as progress"

"When school districts start firing assistant football coaches, that's a lean budget"

"When seconds count, the police are only minutes away"

"When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer"

"When someone asks where is your Christmas spirit, point to the liquor cabinet"

"When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?"

"When someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football"

"When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land, I nearly fell off my unicorn"

"When there's a big solar energy spill, it's just called 'a nice day'"

"When they call roll in the Senate, senators don't know whether to answer present or not guilty"

"When they go low, you go high"

"When they raid the whorehouse, they take all the girls" (Wall Street adage)

"When the boy was making pancakes, why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it"

"When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder"

"When the ducks quack, feed them" (Wall Street proverb)

"When the economic tide goes out, you find out who is swimming naked" (Warren Buffett?)

"When the Fed taps on the brakes, somebody goes through the windshield"

"When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right..."

"When the interviewer asked me to, 'Describe myself in three words,' I replied, 'Efficient'"

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say"

"When the people fear the government, you have tyranny"

"When the race gets tough, step on the gas"

"When the solution is simple, God is answering"

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

"When the tide goes out, the table is set" (seafood harvesting adage)

"When the water reaches the upper decks, follow the rats"

"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly"

"When things are bad and getting worse, keep a cookie in your purse"

"When thunder roars, go indoors"

"When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary"

"When two vegetarians are arguing, is it still considered beef?"

"When vegetables get a vasectomy they get the parsnip"

"When Wall Street sneezes, the rest of the world catches pneumonia" ("When America sneezes...")

"When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost"

"When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die"

"When you’re about to get run out of town on a rail, get out in front and call it a parade"

"When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression"

"When you're finally holding all the cards, everyone else decides to play chess"

"When you're getting kicked in the rear, it means you're in front"

"When you're good, you tell everybody; when you're great, everybody tells you"

"When you're happy, you enjoy the music; when you're sad, you understand the lyrics"

"When you're here, you're halfway there" (MidPoint Cafe, Mile 1139 on Route 66)

"When you're in a hole, stop digging" (First Law of Holes)

"When you're in, you're a guest; when you're out, you're a pest"

"When you're out of quality, you're out of business"

"When you're out of shape, all training is weight training"

"When your husband comes home with cockleburrs in his pants, don't ask his score" (golf saying)

"When your legs get tired, run with your heart"

"When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil"

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt"

"When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall"

"When you allow people to choose between the corrupt and the stupid, they will go for the corrupt"

"When you are crying you should be buying; When you are yelling you should be selling"

"When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you come to a fork in the road, don't pick it up. God knows where it's been"

"When you die, you go to Willie Nelson's house" (Austin musician saying)

"When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow"

"(When you) Get a hunch, bet a bunch"

"When you get a new customer, make three trades" (Wall Street adage)

"When you get a wine hangover, it's called the grape depression"

"When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before"

"When you go to Midas, you get a muffler" (go to a specialist for that specialty)

"When you have nothing to do, do it on Facebook"

"When you have nothing to say, say it on Twitter"

"When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras"

"When you hoist a championship trophy, a mystical blood kinship is formed"

When you leave New York...

"When you leave New York, your next good meal will be in San Francisco"

"When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is"

"When you mix religion and politics, you get politics"

"When you need something to believe in, start with yourself"

"When you open your heart to giving, angels fly to your door"

"When you point your finger at someone, three are pointing back at you"

"When you promote a good engineer to manager, you may get a bad manager and lose a good engineer"

"When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it spells ''THEIRS'"

"When you put your seatbelt on, you’re wearing your car"

"When you raid a whorehouse, take the piano player, too, because no one is entirely innocent"

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on"

"When you retire, you switch bosses -- from the one who hired you to the one who married you"

"When you see snow, go slow" (winter driving adage)

"When you shop at a record store, you should know that all sales are vinyl"

"When you stop and think about them, treadmills are really dangerous"

"When you text a girl, you also text her friends"

"When you think it's time to bury your guns, it's really time to dig them up"

"When you think, you stink" (sports adage)

"When you throw dirt, you lose ground"

"When you tighten your belt, it's a recession; when you have no belt, it's a depression"

"When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?"

"When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, you'll be successful"

"When you win, you're an old pro; when you lose, you're an old man"

"Where's the best place to hide a dead body?"/"Google's second page of search results"

"Where's the cheese grater?"/"Some say France..."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?"/"New York."

"Where America Greets the World" (JFK Airport)

"Where are average things built?"/"In the satisfactory."

"Where are mathematicians buried?"/"The symmetry."

"Where are the customers' yachts?"

"Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?"/"On a bed of lettuce."

"Where can I get scrod?" (joke)

"Where can you always find money?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where can you go to get a lap dance and a decent steak?"/"The New York Strip Club."

"Where can you learn how to make ice cream?" (joke)

"Where can you see a man-eating fish?"/"In a restaurant."

"Where Chili-Pepper Lights Meets Christmas-Tree Lights" (Panna II Indian Restaurant)

Where Dallas Goes for Fun (Addison slogan)

"Where did the Easter bunny go to college?"/ "Johns Hopkins."

"Where did the first corn come from?"/"The stalk brought it."

"Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation"/"To Palm Beach."

"Where did the general keep his armies?"/"In his sleevies."

"Where did the kittens go on their class trip?"/"To a mewseum."

"Where did the piglets study their ABC's?"/"At a school for higher loining."

"Where did you find a Chinese waiter who speaks Yiddish?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Where does an Irish family go on vacation?"/"To a different bar."

"Where does a dad keep all his jokes?"/"In the dadabase."

"Where does a gorilla play baseball?"/"In the bush leagues."

"Where does a woman with one leg work?"/"IHOP."

"Where does Christmas come before Easter?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Dracula water ski?"/"On Lake Erie, off course."

"Where does Easter come before Valentine's Day?"/"In the dictionary."

"Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?"/"In a ho-ho-hotel."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does seaweed go to look for a job?"/"The Kelp Wanted section."

"Where does the Easter bunny eat breakfast?"/"At IHOP."

"Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs?"/"From eggplants."

"Where do animals go when their tails fall off?"/"The retail store."

"Where do ants go to eat?"/"At a restaurant."

"Where do astronauts go to drink?"/"The spacebar."

"Where do astronauts leave their spacecrafts?"/"At parking meteors."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?"/"A lemon tree school."

"Where do baby ghosts go during the day?"/"Dayscare centers."

"Where do beans invest their money?"/"The stalk market."

"Where do bees go to the bathroom?"/"At the BP station."

"Where do birds meet for coffee?"/"In a nest-cafe."

"Where do boats go when they're sick?"/"To the dock."

"Where do children learn their ABCs?"/"In LMN-tary school"

"Where do circles, ellipses, hyperbolas and parabolas like to hang out in the summer? Coney Island"

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do construction workers go to drink?"/"The Rebar."

"Where do cowboys cook their meals?"/"On the range."

"Where do cows go after elementary school?"/"To a second dairy school."

"Where do cows go for entertainment?"/"To the moo-vies."

"Where do cows go on vacation?"/"Moo York."

"Where do eggs go on vacation?"/"New Yolk City."

"Where do eggs stay on vacation?"/"Hollandaise Inn."

"Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets?"/"Bootiques."

"Where do fish go to borrow money?"/"A loan shark."

"Where do footballers dance?"/"At a football."

"Where do fortune tellers dance?"/"At the crystal ball."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do Martians drink beer?"/"At a Mars bar."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do math teachers go on vacation?"/"To Times Square."

"Where do monkeys exercise?"/"At the jungle gym."

"Where do Norse Texans go when they die?"/"Y'allhalla." (y'all + Valhalla)

"Where do poor meatballs live?"/"In the spaghetto."

"Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?"/"In a pellet court."

"Where do religious school children practice sports?"/"In the prayground."

"Where do smart hot dogs end up?"/"On honor rolls."

"Where do snowmen go to dance?"/"To a snowball."

"Where do snowmen keep their money?"/"In snow banks."

"Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?"/"In a communest."

"Where do suicide bombers go when they die?"/"Everywhere."

"Where do turkeys go to dance?"/"The Butterball."

"Where do TVs go on vacation?"/"To remote islands."

"Where do vampires learn to suck blood?"/"Law school."

"Where do vegetarians go on holiday?"/"Quornwall."

"Where do you find stewed tomatoes?"/"Try the salad bar."

"Where do you go to weigh a pie?"/"Somewhere over the rainbow."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"/"Probably in a mirror."

Where Everybody Is Somebody & Home of Cowboys and Legends (Hico slogans)

"Where facts are few, experts are many"

"Where friends meet to eat" (Kincaid's Hamburgers slogan)

"Where is the most open green space in New York City?"/"Central Pork."

"Where liberty dwells, there is my country"

"Where music still matters" (Waterloo Records slogan)

"Where New York Comes to Talk" (WABC-AM)

Where Quality Meets Life (Pflugerville slogan)

"Where Shopping Is a Pleasure" (Publix)

"Where Sport Lives" (Champs Sports)

"Where Stars Are Born And Legends Are Made" (Apollo Theater)

"Where Sunshine Spends the Winter" (San Antonio, El Paso, Rio Grande Valley slogan)

Where Texas Became Texas (Washington-on-the-Brazos slogan)

"Where there's a hit, there's a writ" (show business adage)

"Where there's a tip, there's a tap" (investment adage)

"Where there's a whisk, there's a way"

"Where there's a will. I want to be in it"

"Where there's smoke, there's brisket"

"Where there's smoke, there's toast"

"Where the East Ends" (Dallas slogan)

"Where the elite meet to cheat"

"Where the Elite Meet to Eat" (Duffy's Tavern)

"Where the hell is Elroy, Texas?"

"Where the rubber meets the road"

"Where the West Begins" (Fort Worth slogan)

Where thousands live the way millions wish they could (Needville slogan)

"Where Travel Begins" (Liberty Travel)

"Where was Jesus born?" (Palestine, Texas joke)

"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"/"At the bottom."

"Where Weird Meets Western" (Rodeo Austin slogan)

"Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?"/"In the Little League."

"Where yat?" ("Where y'at?")

Where Yee-Hah Meets Olé (Eagle Pass slogan)

"Whether you’re rich or poor, it’s nice to have money"

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which American president is least guilty?"/"Lincoln. He is in a cent."

"Which animals make potholes?"/"Rodents."

"Which animal is the best at barbecuing?"/"The grilla."

"Which building does Dracula visit in New York?"/"The Vampire State Building."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which coffee drink is also an actor?"/"Al cappuccino."

"Which do you prefer: chess or sex?"/"It depends on the position."

"Which ghost ate too much porridge?"/"Ghouldilocks."

"Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar?"/"All of them. A crossbar can't jump."

"Which insect didn't play well in goal?"/"The fumble bee."

"Which is faster, hot or cold?"/"Hot, because you can catch a cold"

"Which is the strongest day in the week?"/"Sunday - all the rest are weekdays."

"Which Kebab do you want?"/"Kalmi maybe."

"Which side of a turkey has the juiciest meat?"/"The inside."

"Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?"/"The outside."

"Which Thanksgiving beverage is sad?"/"Apple sigh-der."

"Which tricycle does the blonde have?"/"The one with the kickstand."

"While most puns make me feel numb, math puns always makes me feel number"

"While there's tea, there's hope"

"While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to" (joke)

"While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! -Sincerely, The Opportunist"

"Whilst cooking today, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. I'm now parsley sighted"

Whiney Orange (Whiny Orange)

WHINO (whine + RINO)

Whiskey-taw Falls (Wichita Falls nickname)

Whiskey Ding

"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold"

"Whiskey is risky but it makes the girls frisky"

"Whiskey is the hand sanitizer for the soul"

"Whiskey is what beer wants to be when it grows up"

"Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the kitchen floor medicine"

"Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world"

Whiskey Wednesday

Whisper Number



Whitestoner (inhabitant of Whitestone, Queens)

Whitey One-Bite (White Castle nickname)

White Carnation (former official drink of the Belmont Stakes)

White Chili ("bowl of white")

White Collar

White Fort State (Oregon nickname)

White Glove Building

White Harlem (Morningside Heights)

White Knight

White Money

White Oil (lithium nickname)

"White on right" or "White to the right" (chess axiom)

White Pizza

"White rice or brown rice?"/"Both. I'm not a riceist."

White Russian (cocktail)

"White Shoe" Firm

White Squire

White Texas Sheet Cake

White Trash Cake (White Trash Wedding Cake)

"White wine is what you drink before you drink red wine"

Whitney Biennial

"Whoa, Nellie!"

"Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost"

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door"

"Whoever said technology would replace all paper hasn’t tried wiping their behind with an iPad"

"Whoever said white people can't jump clearly hasn't seen the footage from 9/11"

"Whoever snuck the 's' in 'fast food' was a clever little bastard"

"Whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account"

"Whoever wins the turnover battle usually wins the game" (football adage)

Wholetail (wholesale + retail)

Whole Foodie (Whole Foods + foodie)

"Whole Foods, Whole People, Whole Planet" (Whole Foods slogan)

"Whole kit and caboodle"

Whole Paycheck (Whole Foods nickname)

Whole Wallet (Whole Foods nickname)

Whoopee Row (West 133rd Street)

Whoopie Pie (Whoopee Pie)

Whorespondent or Whorrespondent (whore + correspondent)

Whore's Breakfast or Chorus Girl's Breakfast (cigarette and New York Morning Telegraph)

Whore Foods (Whole Foods nickname)

"Who's the patron saint of email?"/"St. Francis of a CC."

"Who’s the spiciest knight of the round table?"/"Sir Racha."

"Who are the world's fastest readers?"/"9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds."

"Who are you wearing?" (fashion question)

"Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?"/"Tarzipan."

"Who came up with the Gregorian calendar -- Greg or Ian?"

"Who currently provides your internet?"/"My next-door neighbor."

"Who died and made you king/ God/ boss/ president?"

"Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?"/"The skeleton crew."

"Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving?"/"A turkey because it is always stuffed."

"Who does not love wine, women, and song remains a fool his whole life long"

"Who do monsters buy their cookies from?"/"The Ghoul Scouts."

"Who do Texan Muslims worship?"/"Y'allah." (y'all + Allah)

"Who do you call for a taco/tequila emergency?"/"9-Juan-Juan."

"Who earns a living driving customers away?"/"A taxi driver."

"Who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth may not come forth on the fifth"

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?"/"The crossing gourd."

"Who invented spaghetti?"/"Someone who used his noodle."

Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?

"Who is the fastest man on earth?"/"A drummer. He beats time."

"Who is this 'moderation' everyone tells me to drink with?"

"Who knows about African wines? A Somali, eh"

"Who made the first soft drink?"/"Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop."

"Who needs a guy when there's chai?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?"

"Who ordered the clean glass?" (Myron Cohen joke about Stage Deli)

Who Owns New York?

Who played for Yankees, Knicks and Rangers in the same year?

"Who says a good newspaper has to be dull?" (NY Herald Tribune slogan)

"Who says I can't cook? You obviously haven't tasted my cereal"

"Who stopped payment on my reality check?"

"Who the government?"

"Who turns the lights off at Halloween?"/"The light's witch."

"Who Wants Jack Daniel's?" or "We Want Jack Daniel's" (WWJD)

"Who Wants Jelly Donuts?" or "We Want Jelly Donuts" (WWJD)

"Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who was the wisest financial investor in the Bible?" (joke)

"Who will join old Ben Milam in storming the Alamo?"

"Why is a salad shooter like the end of a church sermon?"/"Lettuce spray."

"Why aren't bananas ever lonely?"/"Because they come in bunches."

"Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?"/"Because they can't defend their towers."

"Why are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? (joke)

"Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?"/"They always drop their needles."

"Why are clouds like jockeys?"/"When they hold the rains."

"Why are computers always hungry?"/"Because they can only eat microchips."

"Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?"/"Because they're Santa's star bucks."

"Why are doctors so afraid of apples, anyway?"

"Why are drummer jokes so simple?"/"So bassists can understand them."

"Why are elevator jokes always funny?"/"Because they work on so many different levels."

"Why are fishmongers never generous?"/"Because their business makes them sell-fish."

"Why are fish no good at tennis?"/"They don't like to get too close to the net."

"Why are horses always so fit?"/"They're on a stable diet."

"Why are horses lousy at voting?"/"They only vote neigh."

"Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?"/"They're very short-tempered!"

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are many umpires fat?"/"Because they always clean their plate."

"Why are most New York Italians called Tony?" (joke)

"Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas"

"Why are New Yorkers depressed?"/"Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey!"

"Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes?" (joke)

"Why are origami artists bad at poker?"/"They always fold."

"Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?"

"Why are pianos so hard to open?"/"The keys are inside."

"Why are pizza slices shaped that way? Do they expect our mouths to get wider after each bite?"

"Why are there donut holes, but not bagel holes?"

"Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?"/"Because the punchlines are offal."

"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about the U.S.?"/"Because freedom rings."

"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?"/"Because they're all Targets."

"Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup?" (joke)

"Why are there so many baseball autobiographies?"/"Because every pitcher tells a story."

"Why are there so many public libraries, but no public gyms?"

"Why are they called 'apartments' when they're all stuck together?" (joke)

"Why are they called 'buildings' when they’re already finished?" (joke)

"Why are vampires afraid of casinos?"/"Because of all the high stakes."

"Why are waiters good at math?"/"They know all their tables."

"Why are women and children evacuated first?" (joke)

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel"

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?"/"Because they don't believe in higher powers."

"Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?" (riddle)

"Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around"

"Why can't Chinese barbecue?"/"Because the rice falls through the grill."

"Why can't diabetics get vengeance?"/"Because vengeance is sweet."

"Why can't dogs dance?"/"Because they have two left feet."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?"/"They can never get past the bar."

"Why can't New Yorkers play chess?"/"They're missing two towers."

"Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?"

"Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?"/"Because they're always a little short."

"Why can't you run through a campground?" (joke)

"Why can't you take a turkey to church?"/"Because they use fowl language."

"Why can’t you trust burritos to keep a secret?"/"They tend to spill the beans."

"Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?"/"Her brother was using the toilet."

"Why couldn't the fish go shopping?"/"It didn't have anemone."

"Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his house?"/"Because he had gnocchi."

"Why couldn't the pig pay his bill?"/"He was a little shoat."

"Why couldn't the pirate play cards?"/"Because he was sitting on the deck."

"Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?"/"Because he was on a roll."

"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?"/"Because it got stuck in a crack."

"Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?"/"Because it was 2 squared."

"Why didn't anyone respect the mushroom farmer?"/"He had no morels."

"Why didn’t Cupid shoot at the lawyer’s heart?"/"Because Cupid can't hit a target that small."

"Why didn't people want to go to the German restaurant?"/"It was always too krauted."

"Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"/"Because he went down in History."

"Why didn't the acrobat work in the winter?"/"He wanted to do summer-saults."

"Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?"/"It had grater plans."

"Why didn't the dog want to play football?"/"It was a boxer."

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?"/"Because he was too far out, man."

"Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig?"/"Because he was an old boar."

"Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?"/"Because X was always 10."

"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?"/"He didn’t have any guts."

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?"/"He had no body to dance with!"

"Why didn't the skeleton like the Halloween candy?"/"He didn't have the stomach for it."

"Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?"/"Because his heart wasn't in it."

"Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?"/"Because he was stuffed."

"Why didn't the two fours want any lunch?"/"Because they already eight."

"Why didn't you take the bus?" (joke)

"Why did 10 die?"/"Because he was in the middle of 9/11."

"Why did a soccer manager give his team lighters?"/"Because they kept losing all of their matches."

"Why did Eve want to move to New York?"/"She fell for the Big Apple!"

"Why did God create armadillos?" (joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (lawyer joke)

"Why did God invent lawyers?" (real estate agent joke)

"Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?"/"To practice." (lawyer joke)

"Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?"/"To make up for a bad summer."

"Why did Jesus cross the road?"/"Because he was nailed to the chicken."

"Why did Johnny get low grades after Thanksgiving?"/"Everything is marked down after the holidays."

"Why did John jump up and down before drinking his juice?"/"The box said, "Shake well.'"

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He couldn't fit in the elevator."

"Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?"/"He needed to catch a plane."

"Why did Santa’s little helpers sit outside the restaurant?"/"They wanted to eat elfresco."

"Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?"/"He couldn't afford plane fare."

"Why did they stop selling beer at the baseball park?" (joke)

"Why did they stop the zombie hockey game?"/"There was a face off in the corner."

"Why did the apple turnover?"/"Because it saw the banana split."

"Why did the baby ganoush grow up big and strong?"/"It had good auber-genes."

"Why did the balloon burst?"/"Because it saw a lolly pop."

"Why did the banana go out with the prune?"/"Because he couldn't find a date."

"Why did the banana go to the doctor?"/"It wasn't peeling well."

"Why did the bank robber take a bath?"/"So he could make a clean getaway."

"Why did the biology students almost fail?"/"They were bio-D-grade-able."

"Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?" (joke)

"Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?"/"She thought it was Diet Coke."

"Why did the bowling pins stop working?"/"Because they went on strike."

"Why did the bowl of soup disappear?"/"It was leek soup."

"Why did the boy eat his homework?"/"Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake."

"Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?"/"Because he wanted sweet dreams."

"Why did the boy throw butter out the window?"/"To see the butter fly."

"Why did the bunny go to the dance?"/"To do the bunny hop!"

"Why did the cactus cross the road?"/"It was stuck to the chicken."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"He saw some American do it on TV."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the Canadian cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the cannibal break up with his valentine?"/"She didn't suit his taste."

"Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?"/"He wanted a balanced meal."

"Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant?"/"Because he got cold feet"

"Why did the cannibal live on his own?"/"He was fed up with other people."

"Why did the cantaloupe jump into the lake?"/"It wanted to be a watermelon."

"Why did the cheese board blow away?"/"Because of the strong Bries."

"Why did the chef take his own life?"/"Because he lost the huile d'olive."

"Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?"/"Because it heard the referee was blowing fowls."

"Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?"/"To get to the same side."

"Why did the chicken cross the playground?"/"To get to the other slide."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Because Colonel Sanders was after him."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far."

"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?" (riddle)

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To get away from the bagpipe recital."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"To show the armadillo it could be done!"

"Why did the chicken end up in the soup?"/"Because it ran out of cluck."

"Why did the chicken go to the gym?"/"To work on his pecks."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"She wanted to lay it on the line."

"Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"/"To get to the other side."

"Why did the child study in the airplane?"/"He wanted a higher education."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the chili pepper cross the road?"/"To get to the Otherside."

"Why did the clown cross the road?"/"To find his rubber chicken."

"Why did the coffee get in trouble?"/"Because it was not tea."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the console gamer cross the road?"/"To render the buildings on the other side."

"Why did the cookie cry?"/"Because his mother was a wafer so long."

"Why did the cookie go to the doctor?"/"Because he was feeling crummy!"

"Why did the cook get arrested?"/"He was caught beating an egg."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?"/"He wanted to get a long little doggy."

"Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?"/"Because he rode the range."

"Why did the cow cross the road?"/"To get to the udder side."

"Why did the cranberries turn red?"/"Because they saw the turkey dressing."

"Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?"/"She couldn't control her pupils."

"Why did the Cyclops give up teaching?"/"He only had one pupil."

"Why did the diner send back the rabbit stew?"/"Because it had a hare in it."

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road?"/"Because chickens hadn't evolved yet."

"Why did the dog cross the road?"/"To get to the barking lot."

"Why did the dog go to court?"/"Because he got a barking ticket."

"Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?"/"It was time for his annual eggzam."

"Why did the Easter egg hide?"/"He was a little chicken."

"Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?"/"Because he wanted rich milk."

"Why did the feminist fail algebra?"/"She couldn't solve inequalities."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the gamer cross the road?"/"Buy the DLC to find out."

"Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?"/"He didn't have a haunting license."

"Why did the girl feed money to her cow?"/"Because she wanted to get rich milk."

"Why did the girl sit on her watch?"/"She wanted to be on time."

"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?" (joke)

"Why did the gum cross the road?"/"Because it was under the chicken's foot."

"Why did the guy name his dog 5 Miles?"/"So every day he can say, 'I just walked 5 Miles.'"

"Why did the headless horseman go into business?"/"He wanted to get a head in life."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flat mate."

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road?"/"To see his flatmate."

"Why did the hotel hire a skeleton on Halloween?"/"He had a skeleton key."

"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?"/"He couldn't see himself doing it."

"Why did the jalapeño put on a sweater?"/"Because he was a little chili."

"Why did the Jedi cross the road?"/"To get to the Dark Side."

"Why did the Jewish man walk into a stop sign?"/"He wasn't an observant Jew."

"Why did the leprechaun cross the road?"/"He wanted to reach the pot of gold faster."

"Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?"/"To keep from falling in the stew!"

"Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?"/"Because the top said, 'Twist to open.'"

"Why did the lobster blush?"/"Because he saw the salad dressing!"

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?"/"He wanted a meatier shower."

"Why did the man put a clock under his desk?"/"He wanted to work overtime."

"Why did the man throw a clock out the window?"/"To see time fly."

"Why did the M&M go to school?"/"Because it wanted to be a Smartie."

"Why did the monster eat a light bulb?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the moron jump from the building?"/"He wanted to make a hit on Broadway."

"Why did the mushroom go to the party?"/"Because he was a fun-gi."

"Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?"/"So he could yell 'Anna 1, Anna 2!'"

"Why did the newspaper blush?"/"It saw the comic strip."

"Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?"/"It ran out of juice."

"Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?"/"Because it lost its filling."

"Why did the otter cross the road?"/"To get to the otter side."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?"/"Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated."

"Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?"/"He had a big bill."

"Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?"/"There was no chemistry."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?"/"To get shredded."

"Why did the pie go to the dentist?"/"To get a filling."

"Why did the piglets do badly in school?"/"They were all slow loiners."

"Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?"/"He wanted a light snack."

"Why did the pirate ask for a loan with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate ask to get a mortgage with 3.142 percent interest?"/"He wanted the pi-rate!"

"Why did the pirate go to college?"/"To become an arrrrrrchitect!"

"Why did the pirate send his hot dog back at Nathan's?"/"Because it was a salty dog."

"Why did the police arrest the turkey?"/"They suspected it of fowl play."

"Why did the police officer smell?"/"Because he was on duty."

"Why did the printer go to the gym?"/"To get toner."

"Why did the programmer quit his job?"/"Because he didn't get arrays."

"Why did the rabbit cross the road?"/"Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!"

"Why did the raccoon cross the road?"/"He didn't, he got hit by a car."

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?"/"Because he was outstanding in his field."

"Why did the skeleton go to the BBQ?"/"He needed some spare ribs!"

"Why did the slave go to college?"/"So he could pick up his Master's degree."

"Why did the snail cross the road?"/"I don't know. It hasn't gotten there yet."

"Why did the sperm cross the road?"/"Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk."

"Why did the spy cross the road?"/"Because he was never really on your side."

"Why did the stand-up comedian get a job at Domino's?"/"He needed to work on his delivery."

"Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?" (riddle)

"Why did the stoner put laxatives in weed brownies?"/"For shits and giggles."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the strawberry cross the road?"/"Because his mother was in a jam."

"Why did the student bring scissors to school?"/"He wanted to cut class."

"Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?"/"To get to the other cyanide."

"Why did the tachyon cross the road?"/"Because it was on the other side."

"Why did the tamale go to the hospital?"/"Tamalito."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?"/"Because she had her nose in a hamburger."

"Why did the teacher write on the window?"/"Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear."

"Why did the traffic light turn red?" (joke)

"Why did the turkey cross the road?"/"It was the chicken's day off."

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"/"To get to the Shell station."

"Why did the vampire flunk art class?"/"He could only draw blood."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?"/"He heard it had great circulation."

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan cross the road?" (joke)

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the vegan meat cross the road?"/"To prove it wasn't chicken."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the WASP cross the road?"/"To get to the middle."

"Why did the weather want privacy?"/"It was changing."

"Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?"/"She was on a crash diet."

"Why did the zebra cross the road?"/"Because it was a zebra crossing."

"Why did you come home half drunk?"/"I ran out of money."

"Why doesn't a scarecrow eat?"/"Because he's already stuffed."

"Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?" (joke)

"Why doesn't the sun go to college?"/"Because it has a million degrees."

"Why does a Frenchman have only one egg in his omelet?" (joke)

"Why does a round pizza come in a square box?"

"Why does beer go through your system so fast?" (joke)

"Why does California have the most lawyers and NJ the most toxic waste dumps?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does cheese look sane?"/"Because everything else on the plate is crackers."

"Why does Christmas always come just when the stores are so crowded?"

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?" (dirty joke)

"Why does fried duck get golden, crispy and delicious?"/"The mallard reaction."

"Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?"/"Because it's in the ground state."

"Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?"/"Because they can spend years at C."

"Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'Use By' date?"

"Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?"

"Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?"/"Because they have a supreme ruler."

"Why does no one starve in a desert?" (joke)

"Why does NY have so many bankers and NJ so many toxic waste dumps?" (banker joke)

"Why does Pornhub even have a share to Google+ button?" (joke)

"Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?"/"Because it soots him."

"Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?"/"Because every buck is dear to him."

"Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7 p.m.?"/"Because it’s Crypto-night."

"Why does the baloney fear the slicer?" (politician avoiding a tough interview/debate)

"Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?" (lawyer joke)

"Why does the Easter bunny drink beer?"/"To get his hops."

"Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the harbor?"/"Because it can't sit down."

"Why does your mom taste like a savory?"/"Because she's umami."

"Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?"/"Because they're crab apples."

"Why don't blind people go skydiving?"/"Because it scares the hell out of their dogs."

"Why don't blondes like making Jell-O?"/"They can't fit two cups of water in the little box."

"Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?"/"They can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet."

"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?"/"Because they taste funny!"

"Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?"/"They're too bitter."

"Why don't chickens play baseball?" (joke)

"Why don't churches have WiFi?"/"They don't want to compete with an invisible power that works."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't communists ever learn?"/"Because there are no classes."

"Why don't cows ever have any money?"/"Because the farmers milk them dry."

"Why don't football players wear glasses?"/"Because it's a contact sport."

"Why don't ghosts like rain?"/"It dampens their spirits."

"Why don't government workers stare out the window in the morning?"

"Why don't I eat beans? Because it gives migas"

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering"

"Why don't keyboards sleep?"/"Because they have two shifts."

"Why don't lions like fast food?" (joke)

"Why don't melons run away to get married?"/"Because they cantaloupe."

"Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?"/"Because the beans fall through the grill."

"Why don't orphans play baseball?"/"They don't know where home is."

"Why don't pâtissiers buy cigarettes?"/"Because they profiterole their own."

"Why don't people eat bear meat?"/"It's too gristly."

"Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?"/"‘Scurvy."

"Why don't pirates need lawyers?"/"They prefer to settle through ARRrrrbitration."

"Why don’t seagulls live by the bay?"/"Because then they'd be bagels."

"Why don’t skeletons play music in church?"/"They have no organs."

"Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas?"/"Because they’re always on the knotty list."

"Why don't they allow donkeys in school?"/"Because no one likes a smart ass."

"Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?"/"Because it makes you break out."

"Why don't vegans take risks?"/"Because their life could be at steak."

"Why don’t vegetarians hold grudges?"/"Because they never have beef with anyone!"

"Why don’t we take the safety labels off everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?"

"Why don't you eat fish on Thanksgiving?"/"Because Thanksgiving never falls on a fry day."

"Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?"

"Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"/"I don't like to call you at work."

"Why don't you wear snow boots?"/"Because they'll melt."

"Why do all hot dogs look the same?"/"Because they are in bread."

"Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

"Why do Americans make such a fuss about 9/11 anyway? What happened on the 9th of November?"

"Why do bagpipers walk when they play?"/"To get away from the noise."

"Why do bankers make great lovers?"/"They know the penalty for early withdrawal."

"Why do Baptists forbid kissing standing up?"/"It might lead to dancing."

"Why do beavers spend a fortune on the internet?"/"They never want to log off."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much?"/"You're paying for the atmosphere."

"Why do bees have sticky hair?"/"Because they use honeycombs."

"Why do birds fly south for the winter?"/"Because it's too far to walk."

"Why do blondes hate M&Ms?"/"They're too hard to peel."

"Why do brides wear white?"/"Because it's the most popular color for kitchen appliances"

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?"/"No outside food is allowed."

"Why do chemists like nitrates so much?"/"They're cheaper than day rates."

"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?"/"Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."

"Why do choruses travel so often?" (joke)

"Why do cows go to New York City?"/"To see the moosicals."

"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?"/"Because they lactose."

"Why do cows think cooks are mean?"/"They whip cream!"

"Why do crabs never give to charity?"/"Because they're shellfish."

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with"

"Why do dinosaurs pay for Amazon Shipping?"/"Because they live in the Land before Prime."

"Why do fish swim in schools?"/"Because they can't walk in schools."

"Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?"/"It's a Wurst-Käse scenario."

"Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?"/"Because it's super-natural."

"Why do ghosts go to the gym?"/"To lift, they're spirits."

"Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?"/"It lifts their spirits."

"Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?"/"They get to meet their old flames."

"Why do hens lay eggs?"/"Because if they dropped them they'd break."

"Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more"

"Why do Java programmers wear glasses?"/"Because they can’t C#."

"Why do kittens make good announcers?"/"Because they have wee paws for station identification."

"Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?"/"Because the grass tickles their balls."

"Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?"/"They like to 'go' first class!"

"Why do mathematicians like parks?"/"Because of all the natural logs."

"Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?"/"So they can have bubble baths."

"Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?"/"So they can have something to unwrap."

"Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?"/"Because a sign says 'No Trespassing.'"

"Why do midgets make bad parents?"/"Because they struggle to put food on the table."

"Why do Native Americans hate snow?"/"Because it's white and settles on their land."

"Why do only flat animals try to cross the road?"

"Why do people carry umbrellas?"/"Because umbrellas can't walk."

"Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food?"

"Why do people like soda?"/"Because it's sodalicious." (soda + delicious)

"Why do people think vanilla ice cream is plain? It’s vanilla-flavored"

"Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?"/"Regular rocks are too heavy."

"Why do people work as bakers?"/"Because they knead the dough."

"Why do pickles wear glasses?"/"They're legally brined."

"Why do pirates make great lawyers?"/"Because they’re very skilled at arrrrrguing."

"Why do police officers speed?"/"Because they can."

"Why do politicians take laxatives?"/"So they can speak more fluently."

"Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?"/"Wee paws for station identification."

"Why do riot police get to work early?"/"To beat the crowd."

"Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?"/"Because OCT 31 = DEC 25."

"Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?"/"So when they dock they can Scandinavian."

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?"

"Why do they call it a World Series when it's always played in the Bronx?"

"Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?"

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"Why do the French have so many civil wars?"/"So that they can win one."

"Why do the Japanese smoke before overthrowing the government?"/"They love haikus."

"Why do turkeys always go 'Gobble! Gobble!'?"/"Because they never learned good table manners."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren't trying to Lyft."

"Why do vegetarians like parallel lines?"/"Because they don’t meat."

"Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?"

"Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?"

"Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?"

"Why do we paint Easter eggs?"/"Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them."

"Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?" (joke)

"Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?"

"Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?"/"Because every play has a cast."

"Why do worms taste like chewing gum?"/"Because they're wrigleys."

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"/"Do we, now?"

"Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?"

"Why go out for hamburger, when I've got steak at home?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why have abs when you can have kebabs?"

"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"

"Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?"/"You can only get bronze."

"Why isn't the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?"

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 8 9."

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"/"Because 7 is a registered 6 offender"

"Why is American beer served cold?"/"So you can tell it from urine."

"Why is America so fat?"/"Because these colors don't run."

"Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?"/"Because it has four rabbits' feet."

"Why is a dog scared of a fire?"/"It doesn't want to become a hot dog."

"Why is a foot a good Christmas present?"/"Because it's a great stocking filler."

"Why is a ghost such a messy eater?"/"Because he is always a goblin."

"Why is a police dog called a K-9?"/"Because if it was higher it would be a cat."

"Why is a violist like a terrorist?" (joke)

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?" (joke)

"Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?"/"Because it's always on a sundae."

"Why is food better than men?"/"Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds."

"Why is ground beef so popular?"/"Because the flying cows are really hard to catch."

"Why is history like a fruit cake?"/"Because it's full of dates."

"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?"

"Why is it called 'rush hour' when your car barely moves?"

"Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?"

"Why is it easy to give a speech to an audience of strippers?" (joke)

"Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?"/"Because their days are numbered."

"Why is it so easy to get into pirate college?"/"Because you only need the high C's."

"Why is it so hard to recognize a pilot?"/"They always travel in disguise."

"Why is it that our nose runs, but our feet smell?"

"Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?"

"Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?"/"Because it's all heart."

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?"/"Because they can only use OneNote!"

"Why is milk so fast?"/"Because it's pasteurized before you see it."

"Why is monastery food so greasy?"/"It's cooked by friars."

"Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?"

"Why is NASCAR a white dominated sport?"/"They're all racists."

"Why is Peter Pan always flying?"/"Because he never lands."

"Why is Peter Pan such a bad boxer?"/"He never lands."

"Why is programming in Django hard?"/"You can only use two fingers on your left hand."

"Why is Spain so good at soccer?"/"Because no one expects the Spanish in position."

"Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?"/"It's their Yelp rating."

"Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?"

"Why is there a "D" in fridge, but not refrigerator?"

"Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"/"It's a smart TV."

"Why is there a thing called a grapefruit, when there's a fruit called a grape?"

"Why is there kosher salt, but no kosher pepper?"

"Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?" (joke)

"Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?"/"To minimize casual tees."

"Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig?"/"He knows a little ham goes a long way."

"Why is the Second Amendment the only Constitutional right you need a permit to use?"

"Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water?" (riddle)

"Why is too much alcohol bad for you?"/"Because that would be too whiskey."

"Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?"/"Because you can really party hearty!"

Why I am running

"Why pay to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you"

"Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?"/"Because he'll dessert you."

"Why shouldn't you hire a midget chef?"/"The steaks are too high."

"Why shouldn't you put avocados in your eyes?"/"You could get guacoma."

"Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?"/"It might crack up."

"Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a cornfield?"/"Because the corn has ears."

"Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?"/"Because time will tell."

"Why should I signal?" (joke)

"Why should lawyers be buried 20 feet underground?" (lawyer joke)

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?"

"Why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?" (prison joke)

"Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?"/"You shouldn't press your luck."

"Why steal less when you can steal more?"

"Why the heck do they call it a swimming pool? I mean, it doesn't even swim!"

"Why the hell not?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?"/"Because she ran away from the ball."

"Why was Santa's little helper depressed?"/"Because he had low elf esteem."

"Why was Santa Claus sick?"/"He came down with the flue."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the blonde late for work?"/"She was stranded on the broken escalator."

"Why was the cannibal expelled from school?"/"Because he was buttering up his teacher."

"Why was the cannibal looking peeky?"/"Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog."

"Why was the cat so small?"/"Because it only ate condensed milk."

"Why was the computer mad when he got home?"/"Because he had a hard drive."

"Why was the elevator mad?"/"Everyone was pushing its buttons."

"Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?"/"Because nobody made sandwiches."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the little girl sad after the race?"/"Because an egg beater."

"Why was the math book sad?"/"Because it had so many problems."

"Why was the math teacher late for school?"/"He took the rhombus."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was the Pepsi employee fired?"/"He tested positive for Coke."

"Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet."

“Why was the racehorse named Strawberry Ice?"/"He was a sherbet.”

"Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?"/"Because it was a cycle path."

"Why was the snowman sad?"/"Because he had a meltdown."

"Why were the twin towers sad?"/"They ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane."

"Why will there never be a coup d'état in Washington, D.C.?" (joke)

"Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?"/"Because she has only one arm raised."

"Why would you take a car door to the desert?"/"If you get hot, you can roll the window down."

Wichitan (inhabitant of Wichita Falls)

Wicked Hot Chocolate & Wicked Fun Bonbons

Widget (New York World Journal Tribune)

Widow-and-Orphan Stock (Widows'-and-Orphans' Stock)

Wiener (or Weiner; Wienie; Weenie; Wiener Wurst; Wienerwurst; Vienna Sausage)

"Wife has left me because of my fetish with touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now"


Wildcat Bank (Wildcat Money)

Wilding ("Central Park Jogger" incident)

Wild and Woolly

Wild Art (photo unaccompanied by a story)

"Wild as an acre of snakes"

Wild West (Wild Wild West)

"While I was running today, I heard someone clapping. It was my thighs cheering me on"

Williamsburger (inhabitant of Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

Williamsburg Jazz Festival

WillyB, Billyburg, Billburg, B-burg (Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

"Will -- A dead giveaway"

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System (Microsoft "Windows" backronym)

"Will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" (joke)

"Will work for food"

Wimberleyite (inhabitant of Wimberley)

Windham: Gem of the Catskills (nickname)

Windham: Land in the Sky (nickname)

Windmill Dunk (basketball shot)

Window Dressing


Windsor Stew

Windy City, 2006 Update: Encyclopedia of Chicago "Windy City" entry

Wind City, USA (Roscoe nickname)

Wind Energy Capital of Texas (McCamey nickname)

"Wineaux: A wine lover who uses a glass"

Winesday Wednesday


Wine Bar

"Wine, dine and sixty-nine"

"Wine flies when you're having fun"

"Wine -- How classy people get wasted"

Wine Ice Cream

"Wine improves with age -- I improve with wine"

"Wine in, whine out"

"Wine is bottled poetry" ("Wine is poetry in a bottle")

"Wine is cheaper than therapy"

"Wine is like a hug in a glass"

"Wine is the best lip stain"

"Wine is win with an 'e' on the end"

"Wine makes Wednesdays wonderful"

"Wine me up and watch me go"

Wine O'Clock

Wine Pawning

Wine Root Stock Capital of the World (Denison nickname)

Wine Wednesday

"Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos"

Wingery (Buffalo wings + eatery)

Wingnut (Wing Nut)

Wingtard (wingnut + retard)

Wing Wednesday

"Winners are grinners and losers can make their own arrangements"

"Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners"

"Winners have parties, losers have meetings"

"Winners train, losers complain" (exercise adage)

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner"

"Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything"

"Winning is a trophy, failing is an education"

"Winning is the best deodorant" (sports adage)

"Winning takes care of everything"

"Winning Ugly" (Texas Rangers manager Doug Rader)

WiNo (Williamsburg North)

"Wins in April are just as important as wins in September" (baseball adage)

Winterval (winter + festival)

Winterval (winter+ festival)

"Winter is the only season that comes twice a year"

Winter Texan

"Win in a walk" (horse racing slang)

"Win on Sunday, sell on Monday" (auto racing adage)

"Win or go home"

"Win tonight, look good next time" (boxing adage)

Wire House (Wirehouse)

Wisconsin: America's Dairyland (nickname)

"Wisdom is knowing the right path to take. Integrity is taking it"

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it"


Wise Latina

"Wise Men Fish Here" (Gotham Book Mart)

"Wise old owl" poem

Wishbone Offense (football formation)

Wishbone (Wish Bone; Wishing Bone)

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other"

Wish Sandwich

Witch of Wall Street

"Witch parking only. All others will be toad"

"Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist. It would be IX/XI instead"

"Without coffee, there would be darkness and chaos"

"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible"

"Without Facebook I would forget 90% of my friend's birthdays"

"Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house"

"With a few exceptions, the best players are also the hardest workers"

"With enough coffee, even a Monday looks good"

"With Google Earth, people can see any place on the globe. But we just look up our homes"

"With grape powder comes grape responsibility"

"With great power comes great electricity bill"

"With great reflexes comes great response ability"

"With money, Latin and a good horse, you can get through all Europe"

"With organic whiskey, one may attain the stupornatural"

Witness (1998): Washington Post writer Shirley Povich

"Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone"

"Wizard of Moving" (Oz Moving & Storage)

We Need Your Cash (WNYC nickname)

Wolf of Wall Street

Woman's Vitamin or Women's Vitamin (Pyridoxine or Vitamin B6 nickname)

Womenomics (women + economics)

"Women cook, men grill"

"Women go to the theatre and men are brought there" (theatre adage)

"Women shop, men buy"

"Women speak softly and carry a big statistic"

"Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it"

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition"

Wonderfilled (filled cookies)

Wonder City of the World

"Wontons are just Chinese ravioli"

"Won not done"

Woodsider (inhabitant of Woodside, Queens)

Woodstock of Gaming (QuakeCon in Dallas)

Wop Salad

"Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me"

"Words In Steps Do Open Minds" ("wisdom" backronym)

"Words mean things"


Wrecking Families Party (Working Families Party nickname)

Working Girl

"Working towards satisfaction will make you a legend"

"Working with academics is like herding cats" (education adage)

Workout Warrior

"Work eight hours, sleep eight hours--but not the same hours" (T. Boone Pickens?)

"Work for a cause, not for applause"

"Work hard in silence; let success make the noise"

"Work hard, put the hours in, and the boss will have an even better car next year"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Work is for those who don't know what fishing is!"

"Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow"

"Work not to look good, but to make others look bad" (workout adage)

"Work one's tail off"

"Work on the business, not in the business"

"Work Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return"

"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number"

"Work until your idols become your rivals"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work while they sleep. Learn while they party. Save while they spend. Live like they dream"

"Work will win when wishing won't"

WorldNutDaily (WorldNetDaily nickname)

World's Fair (1853, 1939-40, 1964-65)

World's Greatest Ballroom or World's Most Famous Ballroom (Roseland Ballroom)

World's Greatest Deliberative Body (U.S. Senate nickname)

"World's Greatest Hamburgers" (Fuddruckers slogan)

World's Largest Hotel Lobby (San Antonio River Walk nickname)

"World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (Georgia Bulldogs vs. Florida Gators)

"World's Largest Store" (Macy's)

World's Longest Parking Lot (Long Island Expressway)

World's Most Famous Arena (Madison Square Garden)

World's Most Famous Christmas Tree

"World's Most Popular Hotel" (Hotel Pennsylvania)

World's Richest Acre (oil-rich acre in Kilgore)

World's Second Home

World's Toughest Boat Race (Texas Water Safari)

World Capital of Capital (World Capital of Capitalism)

"World Changers Shaped Here" (SMU slogan)

"World Ends: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit" (NY Times headline joke)

World Homicide Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

"World Peace Through Tex-Mex" (El Mercado slogan)

World Trade Center Cough

World Trade Center; Twin Towers

"Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace"

"Worrying is like praying for something that you don't want to happen"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due"

"Worry is like a rocking chair -- it doesn't get you anywhere"

"Worst Bar-B-Q in Texas" (Rudy's Country Store & Bar-B-Q slogan)

Worst Boston (First Boston nickname)

"Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from"

Worst Lady (worst + first lady)

Worst (W subway line)

"Worth Every Penny" (Jack's 99-cent stores)

Wossamotta U or Whatsamatta U (fictional university)

"Would a smoked cheese grow on a tree?"/"No, but an applewood."

"Would the fans along the outfield railing please remove their clothes?"

"Would you buy a used car from this man?"

"Would you like a glass of water?"/"I'm thirsty, not dirty."

"Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

"Would you like to hear the world's best Aggie joke?" (Aggie joke)

"Would you like to share a cab?" (joke)

"Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called 'Headmaster?'"

Wow Boys or Wowboys (Dallas Cowboys nickname)

Wow Factor

"'Wow, the Lean Cuisine really filled me up!' said no one ever"

Wrappetizer (wrap + appetizer)

Wrap (sandwich)

Wrecking Crew (Texas A&M football defense)

Wreckovery (wreck + economic recovery)

"Wreck 'em, Tech" (Texas Tech)

"Wrestling is a sport where people without pants fight for a belt"

"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous"

"Write drunk, edit sober"

"Write two letters" (blaming predecessor joke)

"Writing a daily column is like being married to a nymphomaniac"

WROL (Without Rule Of Law)

Wronghorns (satire of UT "Longhorns" nickname)

Wrongnado (wrong + tornado)

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

"Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast"

WTF (Where's The Food)

"WTF -- Wine Tasting Friends"

Wunch of Bankers

"WWE is just redneck anime"

Wyoming: Gaslight Village (nickname)

Wyoming Ketchup (liquor)