“This is an elegant hotel—room service has an unlisted number”

“What part of the chicken is the nugget/croquette/popcorn?”

“A girl was knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I had to let her out”

“Exercise is bunk—if you are healthy, you don’t need it”

“If you don’t read a newspaper, you’re uninformed; if you do read one, you’re misinformed”

Great Disorder

“Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk”

“Get your popcorn ready” (prepare to watch something exciting)

“Life is just a bowl of cherries”

“Thinking isn’t to agree or disagree—that’s voting”

“The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums”

“An economist is a man who knows tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today”

“Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status”

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise”

“The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it”

“Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains”

Coney Island Butter (mustard)

Cooter Brown (“as drunk as Cooter Brown”)

“Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet”

“When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing”

Jobber (job + truther; a jobs number conspiracy theorist)

“Drunk as a skunk”

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off”

“The trouble with unemployment is that you never get a day off”

“No one wants to quit when he’s losing and no one wants to quit when he’s winning”

Dark Money (political contributions from unrevealed sources)

“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five”

“It’s not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame”

“The Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL” (i.e., weight gain at 40 makes one Xtra Large)

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last—well, neither does bathing”

“Men are like bank accounts—without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest”

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty”

“Money talks, but credit has an echo” (“Money talks, but credit uses sign language”)

World’s Greatest Ballroom or World’s Most Famous Ballroom (Roseland Ballroom)

“Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty”

“Three chords and the truth” (“Country music is three chords and the truth”)

“Gossip is news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress”

“Today’s gossip is tomorrow’s headline”

“Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex”

“Do you know where Central Park is?...OK, I’ll mug you here”

“When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil”

Terroirist (terroir + -ist)

“Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai” (restaurant joke)

McDo (McDonald’s nickname)

Parm (parmigiana)

Big Empty (Texas plains)

Sunshine Vitamin (Vitamin D nickname)

Anti-Stress Vitamin (Pantothenic Acid or Vitamin B5 nickname)

Anti-Sterility Vitamin (Vitamin E nickname)

Vitamin of Memory (Thiamine or Thiamin or Vitamin B1 nickname)

Woman’s Vitamin or Women’s Vitamin (Pyridoxine or Vitamin B6 nickname)

Memory Vitamin (Choline nickname)

Forgotten Vitamin (Vitamin K nickname)

Polyester of Lettuce (iceberg lettuce nickname)

Four Fingers of Death (four frankfurters in Meals, Ready-to-Eat)

Skinny Nut (pistachio nickname)

Nature’s Sports Drink (water/coconut water/milk nickname)

Anti-Stress Mineral (magnesium nickname)

Anti-Infective Vitamin (Vitamin A nickname)

Wet Coast (wet + west coast)

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out”

“Silence is golden; duct tape is silver”

Boomerang Buyer

“You don’t get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what’s eating you”

“Success is dependent upon the glands—sweat glands”

“The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank…” (Imhoff’s Law)

“Drama is life with the dull parts cut out of it”

Morale Vitamin (Thiamine or Thiamin or Vitamin B1 nickname)

Urinalist (urine/urinal + journalist)

Chinese Broccoli (kai-lan or gai-lon)

Feastival (feast + festival)

“Success goes to your head, failure to your heart”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap”

Prepper (disaster preparation expert)

“Both the Democrat and the Republican are running for president of Ohio”

“Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults”

“No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes”

“Like a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah” (out of place)

Last Chance Saloon

“First-rate people hire first-rate people; second-rate people hire third-rate people”

“Holy mackerel!”

“Tell the boss what you really think of him — and the truth shall set you free”

Last Chance Saloon (First and Last Chance Saloon)

Welfare-Warfare State (Warfare-Welfare State)

Fiscal Cliff

Great Deformation

“As happy as a clam”

“Bite off more than one can chew” (undertake too much)

“Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution”

“Actor: What’s my motivation? / Director: Your salary”

International Mafia Federation (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

“One finds limits by pushing them”

“Proofread carefully to see if you any words out”

“When you tighten your belt, it’s a recession; when you have no belt, it’s a depression”

Gym Rat

Gym Bunny

Gym Candy

Resolutionary (resolution + revolutionary)

Loan Shark

Loan Shark of Last Resort (International Monetary Fund of IMF nickname)