“A blind man walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Is Betteridge’s law of headlines correct?” (headline joke)

“There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them”

“Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high”

“A blind man walks into a bar and says, ‘Wanna hear a blonde joke?’” (bar joke)

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now”

“Hit hard, run fast, turn left” (baseball/softball advice)

“I love ketchup from my head tomatoes”

“Run fast, turn left” or “Run hard, turn left” (running advice)

Conundrum Supper

“Why did the boy throw butter out the window?”/“To see the butter fly.”

“Old skiers never die—they just go downhill”

“Holy shiitake!”

“Old golfers never die—they just lose their drive”

“Old golfers never die—they just lose their balls”

“Good friends are like fine wine—that’s why I keep mine locked in the cellar”

“If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don’t put it on Instagram, did it really happen?”

“When a man with money meets a man with experience…”

“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us…”

“Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes—thin crust, thick crust…” (pizza joke)

NoMid (North Midtown)

“Start unknown, finish unforgettable”

“Kindness not only makes the coffee. Kindness says good morning”

“Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book”

“Face your problems, don’t Facebook them”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness…”

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success”

“Our friendship is like a cup of tea…a special blend of you and me”

“Old fishermen never die—they just smell that way”

“Fans don’t boo nobodies”

“You can’t predict baseball” (baseball adage)

“They call it fishing, not catching”

“Eleven o’clock on Sunday morning is the most segregated hour in America”

“Trail them, nail them and jail them” (“Surveil them, nail them and jail them”)

“Don’t mess with success”

“Plant pears for your heirs” (farming adage)

“Grass grows by inches, but dies by feet” (groundskeeping adage)

“You have three choices: Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got”

“When you open your heart to giving, angels fly to your door”

“What did the acorn say when it grew up?” (math joke)

“Never trust weather forecasters or politicians”

“Damp hands make smooth balls” (food adage)

Febezzler (finance + embezzler); Febezzlement; Febezzle

“Cappuccino is the dessert form of coffee”

“An army is like spaghetti—you can pull it, but not push it”

Deja Brew (déjà vu + brew)

“You manage things; you lead people”

“If ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters”

“If you stumble, make it part of the dance”

“The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle”

“If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you…”

Sesame Seed Bun (hamburger bun)

“If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room”

Horse Ballet (dressage nickname)

“Dressage takes two lifetimes to master”

“Fencing takes two lifetimes to master”

“May our home know joy, each room hold laughter”

“Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad”

“Why is it that our nose runs, but our feet smell?”

“Red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you”

“Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?” (joke)

“Golf is tee-rific” (“Golf is tee-rrific”)

“Why did they stop selling beer at the baseball park?” (joke)

Genitalian (someone who votes based on a candidate’s sex)

“The house isn’t under construction—kids just live here”

“Old fishermen never die—they just lose their bobbers”

“Tops are a process and bottoms are an event” (Wall Street adage)

Senioritis

“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing”

“Teach your children about taxes—eat 30% of their ice cream”

“Golf is like taxes” (joke)

“Americans talk dry, but drink sweet” (wine adage)

“The tax code is longer than the Bible, but without the good news”

“A tax loophole benefits the other guy; if it benefits you, it’s tax reform”

“You must pay taxes. But there’s no law that says you gotta leave a tip”

“Positive anything is better than negative nothing”

“You know you’re getting old when you hear your favorite song in an elevator”

Cruffin (croissant + muffin)

“Baptists don’t recognize each other at the liquor store” (joke)

“Just because you beat the man, it doesn’t make you the man”

“Good horses make good jockeys” (horse racing adage)

Noflation (no + deflation/inflation)

“What runs around a baseball field, but never moves?”/“A fence.”

“What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?” (joke)

“Two men walk into a bar. The first orders H2O…” (bar joke)

“You never know what you’ll see when you come to the ballpark” (baseball adage)

“Live simply so that others may simply live”

“Play for the name on the front of the jersey, not on the back”

“The exam questions are the same every year—only the answers change” (joke)

“On economics tests, the questions are the same every year—only the answers change”

Guy Friday (Man Friday)

Girl Friday (Gal Friday)

Cinnsation (cinnamon + sensation); Cinnsational

Grandest Canyon (Broadway at Times Square)

“Not everything that is faced can be changed”

“What job did the frog have at the hotel?”/“Bell hop.”

Wyoming Ketchup (liquor)

Neoconistan (neoconservative + -stan)

“What’s the scoop?”

Ulcer Gulch (Madison Avenue)