“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday”

Peanut Brutal (peanut brittle joke)

Peanut Brittle

Motherless Greens (greens without meat)

“A day of anarchy is worse than a hundred years of tyranny”

“Surfing the Internet”

Poker (card game)

Mahjong (Mah Jongg)

Bingo (game)

“The bar sign said: ‘Topless & Bottomless.’ I went inside and nobody was there!”

“What do you call a group of millionaires watching the World Series?” (joke)

“Practice safe text –- use commas and never miss a period”

“Great Scott!”(exclamation)

“Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes”

Triple A-Stros (Houston Astros nickname)

“Go ham” or “Go ham and cheese” (go hard)

Speakstakes (Speaker + sweepstakes)

“Quality means doing it right when no one is looking”

“When you need something to believe in, start with yourself”

“Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad”

“Three languages, you’re trilingual; two, you’re bilingual; one, you’re American”

“Have you stopped beating your wife?” (loaded question)

“I know it’s not true, but let’s make the sonafabitch deny it” (a loaded political question)

“Jogging combines my 2 favorite things: gasping for air and looking stupid”

“Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman”

“If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive”

“How come ‘you’re a peach’ is a compliment but ‘you’re bananas’ is an insult?”

“From the outhouse to the penthouse” (moving up the ladder)

“I always have a quotation for everything—it saves original thinking”

Basketball on Grass (football spread offense)

“Creationists don’t believe in science. They think ‘The Flintstones’ is a documentary”

“I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast”

“Technology is great…when it works”

“Money talks, gold screams” (“Money talks, gold shouts”)

“A $300 bat won’t fix your 50 cent swing” (baseball adage)

“Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise”

“The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist invents the parachute”

“It’s unlucky to be behind at the end of a game”

“Don’t worry if the horse is blind, just load the wagon”

Fukushima Freeway (transport road for nuclear waste)

“Government is an insurance company with an army”

“A pessimist is a well-informed optimist”

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on”

Halloweekend (Halloween + weekend)

“Your best bet is a vet” (military veterans saying)

Park Bench Statesman (Park Bench Philosopher)

“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”

“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you”

“Whoever snuck the ‘s’ in ‘fast food’ was a clever little bastard”

Times Square and Herald Square

“Strength: A river cuts through a rock not because of its power, but its persistence”

“Conservatives get the rhetoric; liberals get the action”

“It’s never good when a safety is your team’s leading tackler” (football adage)

“Maybe if we’d made the ‘Most Wanted’ feel wanted earlier, they wouldn’t be wanted now”

“It’s a job that’s never started that takes the longest to finish”

“You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing and falling over”

“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way”

“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn”

“A blue trip slip for an 8 cent fare…” (horse-car poetry)

“The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise wealth”