Clinton News Network (CNN nickname)

“Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?”/“Because it lost its filling.”

“Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?”/“Because he was on a roll.”

“How do you drown a hipster?”/“In the mainstream.”

“What is the difference between an engineer and a school teacher?” (riddle)

“What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up”

“In a city of eight million sundials, nobody has any idea how long a minute is”

“Why are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? (joke)

“Which tricycle does the blonde have?”/“The one with the kickstand.”

Twerk (redneck for “to work”)

Yeehawd (yeehaw + jihad); Yeehawdist (yeehaw + jihadist)

“If you look like your passport photo, you need the trip”

“You can beat a race, but you can’t beat the races”

Highway of Light (1920s air route, New York to San Francisco)

“I had a pleasure trip—took my mother-in-law to the airport”

FANTA or FANTAsy (Facebook, Amazon, Netflix, Tesla and Alphabet)

VanillaISIS or Vanilla ISIS (vanilla + ISIS)

YallQaeda or Y’all Qaeda (y’all + al-Qaeda)

Iceberg Building (IAC Building in Chelsea)

Buggering British Children (British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC nickname)

“What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?” (lawyer joke)

“Would you like to share a cab?” (joke)

“I came from a tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars”

“A newspaper is a daily miracle”

“S car go” (escargot joke)

“Why couldn’t the blonde bob for apples?”/“Her brother was using the toilet.”

“When do cannibals leave the table?”/“When everyone’s eaten.”

“I worship the quicksand he walks on”

“I’ve got a pen and a phone” (executive authority)

“Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?”/“To practice.” (lawyer joke)

Apodment (pod + apartment)

“A fish walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

Bond Vigilante

“What’s a pirate’s favorite restaurant?”/“Arrrby’s.”

The Other Big Apple (Meaford, Ontario nickname)

“Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?” (joke)

“A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank”

“What’s the definition of endless love?”/“Two blind people playing tennis.”

“Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?” (joke)

“A gymnast walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Where do poor meatballs live?”/“In the spaghetto.”

“Money isn’t the most important thing. Love is. Fortunately, I love money”

“When you see snow, go slow” (winter driving adage)

“No sweet without sweat”

Rapefugee (rape + refugee)

“I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that’s another story”

“What is small, red and whispers?”/“A hoarse radish.”

“Long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks…today, it’s called golf”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike”

Makers and Takers

“Don’t drink with ghosts. They can’t handle their boos”

“A gymnast walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Roommates say I steal a kitchen utensil, but it’s a whisk I’m willing to take”

“Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist”

“Why do crabs never give to charity?”/“Because they’re shellfish.”

Lack Toast And Taller Ant or Lack Toast In Toddler Ant (lactose intolerant)

“He wears glasses during math because it improves division”

“A vulture with two dead raccoons tries to board. ‘Sorry, only one carrion is allowed’”

“The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless”

“The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal”

“Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner”

“When the cannibal came late for dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder”

“I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil”

“My fellow Americans”

Catskill Mountains: “Catskill Mountains? Don’t cats kill mice?”

“Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?”/“Tarzipan.”

“I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift” (joke)

“Give me a T” (tea joke)

“I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server”

“A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it”

“I don’t trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea”

New York Values

“Rap is 75% crap”

“He who casts the first stone…isn’t coming fishing again”

“They finally published my book about sex with herbs. It’s about f*cking thyme!”

“I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I’ve strained my eyes”

Uncle Sam’s Pocket Handkerchief (Delaware nickname)

Metropolis of America

Rochester: Aqueduct City (nickname)

City of Straits (Detroit nickname)

Buffalo: Queen City of the Lakes (nickname)

Monumental City (Baltimore nickname)

Amsterdam: Carpet City (nickname)

“I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s ten years in a row now”

“You have Van Gogh’s ear for music” (no ear for music)

Cream City (Milwaukee nickname)

“My credit card had suspicious activity—I bought a gym membership”

Beefsteak Nazi (brown on the outside, red on the inside)

New York State: Empire State (nickname)

City of Magnificent Distances (Washington, D.C. nickname)

Kiladelphia or Killadelphia (Philadelphia nickname)

“Marriage is like a deck of cards” (joke)

“After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them”

Blue Monday (third Monday in January)

Snackwave

Club Trillion (basketball slang for a benchwarmer’s statistics)

Little Fuzhou or Fuzhou Town (East Broadway, Manhattan; Sunset Park, Brooklyn)

Little Chitaly (Little Italy + Chinatown)

“How does the Pope get around New York City?”/“Mass transit.”

“Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water?” (riddle)