“A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage”

“My dream job would be getting paid to sleep”

Brutus Salad

South Dakota: Blizzard State (nickname)

“How much does a hipster weigh?”/“An Instagram.”

Iowa: “Three tickets out of Iowa” (Iowa caucus adage)

Iowa: Full Grassley (politician visiting each county)

Iowa: “Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents”

New Hampshire: “Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents”

Maine: “As Maine goes, so goes the nation”

Iowa: “As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa”

“As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa” (Iowa caucus as bellwether)

“Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines”

“What did my parents do before the Internet?” (joke)

“Jokes about German sausage are the wurst”

Returnship (return + internship)

National Felons League (National Football League or NFL nickname)

“The state bird is the (construction) crane”

New Jersey: Armpit of the Nation (nickname)

Tuxedo Park: Tuxedo (clothing)

“Why do police officers speed?”/“Because they can.”

“Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without telling him you want it back”

“I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it”

Tennessee: Mudhead (nickname)

“I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it’s ground beef”

“I shot someone with a starting gun. I’ve been charged with race crime”

“Couples have Valentine’s Day. Singles have Palm Sunday”

“My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn’t remotely funny”

South Carolina: Palmetto State (nickname)

“The first time I saw a universal remote control I thought, ‘This changes everything’”

“A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building” (joke)

“i 8 sum Pi…and it was delicious” (math joke)

“What do you call a bear with no teeth?”/“A gummy bear.”

“Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and wonder Y”

“Golf is an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle”

“The best wood in an amateur’s bag is a pencil” (golf joke)

“The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name” (golf saying)

“Glutton — A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted”

Oilpocalypse (oil + apocalypse)

“When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave” (joke)

“When I die, I want the Mets to be my pallbearers so they can let me down one last time”

“I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I won’t get a reaction”

“What does a physicist have for lunch?”/“Fission chips.”

“Why do mathematicians like parks?”/“Because of all the natural logs.”

“A piece of gold walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How do you make a musician complain?”/“Give him a gig.”

“What is a relative minor?”/“A country western musician’s girlfriend.”

“Did you hear my last recital?”/“I hope so.”

“What has three legs and an asshole on top?”/“A drum stool.”

“What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?”/“About three decibels.”

North Carolina: Rip Van Winkle State (nickname)

North Carolina: Turpentine State (nickname)

North Carolina: Old North State (nickname)

Delaware: Diamond State (nickname)

Maryland: Old Line State (nickname)

Massachusetts: Bay State (nickname)

Idaho: Gem State (nickname)

Massachusetts: Taxachusetts (nickname)

Arizona: Valentine State (nickname)

Arkansas: Bear State (nickname)

Georgia: Empire State of the South (nickname)

Pennsylvania: Keystone State (nickname)

North Dakota: Flickertail State (nickname)

South Dakota: Coyote State (nickname)

Tennessee: Hog and Hominy State (nickname)

Alaska: The Last Frontier (nickname)

Kansas: Sunflower State (nickname)

Arkansas: Land of Opportunity (nickname)

Arkansas: The Natural State (nickname)

Arkansas: Wonder State (nickname)

“It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress”

“It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress”

“It was so cold in New York that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets”

“It was so cold in New York that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant”

“It was so cold in New York that they canceled the ice festival”

“It was so cold in New York that they canceled the Central Park ice festival”

“It was so hot in New York that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk”

“It was so hot in New York that I walked past Grant’s Tomb—and the door was open”

“America is a healthy body; its resistance is its patriotism, morality and spiritual life”

“I can’t die! I’m booked!”

“Baseball is the first sport. The Bible says, ‘In the big inning…’”

“It was so cold in New York that I saw a gangsta pull his pants up”

“What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?”/“A music critic.”

Algebro (algebra + bro)

“Where do math teachers go on vacation?”/“To Times Square.”

“Where do math teachers go on vacation?”/“To Times Square.”

“A loaf of bread, a pound of meat, and all the mustard you can eat!” (hot dogs)

“On what kind of ships do students study?”/“Scholarships.”

“I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!”

“What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?”/“A tangent.”

“A pirate walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A baby seal walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head…” (bar joke)

“A baby can drink a bottle, fall asleep and people say it’s cute. If I do it. I’m an alcoholic”

“Owning a funeral home means you go back to work after you die”

“Jones” (a craving) and Great Jones Alley/Street

Devil’s Playhouse (Webster Hall)

Little White House (Gracie Mansion)

People’s House (Gracie Mansion)

“What’s the difference between p—and parsley?”/“Nobody eats parsley.”