Apple Pie Trail (Blue Mountains, Ontario; Orange County, NY)

“All those crosses along highways. Christians are terrible drivers”

“Why did the stand-up comedian get a job at Domino’s?”/“He needed to work on his delivery.”

“Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”/“It depends on the position.”

“Alcoholics don’t run in my family. They stumble around breaking stuff”

“The eye in the sky never lies” (game film adage)

Montauk: The Un-Hamptons (nickname)

“Two fermions walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How’s the New Year going?”/“Shofar, so good.”

“Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?”/“There was no chemistry.”

“If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look”

“A mugger robs a congressman” (joke)

“University priorities: football for alumni, parking for faculty, sex for students”

“What’s the difference between a bonus and a penis?” (joke)

“Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives”

“If I could walk on water, you’d say that I can’t swim” (bad press)

“The great thing about Miami is that it’s so close to the United States”

“If I could walk on water, you’d say that I can’t swim” (bad press)

“Someone complimented my parking, leaving a note saying ‘Parking Fine’”

“What does a cannibal call a stoner?”/“Pot roast.”

“A lot of women are turning into good drivers. If you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women”

“News is what happens to an editor” (journalism adage)

“One son went to sea and one became vice president; neither was ever heard of again”

“How do you get an elephant out of the theater?”/“You can’t. It’s in his blood.”

“Remain calm in every situation because peace equals power”

“The best thing about Austin is that it’s so close to Texas”

Diet Texas (Oklahoma nickname)

Cadillac of Poker (Texas Hold ‘em nickname)

“Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?” (dirty joke)

“Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?” (dirty joke)

Cadillac of Poker (Texas Hold ‘em nickname)

Oklahoma: Diet Texas (nickname)

“The best band name is ‘Free Beer’”

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

“How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer?”/“Invite two of them.”

“What do you call a Chicago Cubs player with a World Series ring?”/“A thief.”

“How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?”/“He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you.”

Waffle House Index (disaster recovery metric)

“The best band name is ‘Free Beer’”

“How do you get to Carnegie Deli?” (joke)

“I got voted ‘least likely to succeed’ by my high school class” (joke)

“What do you call cows that don’t have a sense of humor?”/“Feminists.”

“A woman and a duck walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition” (joke)

“... And all I got was this lousy T-shirt”

“Put your diploma on the windshield so you can park in a handicap spot”

“Those who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for those who do”

“How do you get a grandmother to swear?”/“Have another say ‘Bingo!’”

“I don’t need to ‘get a life.’ I’m a gamer. I have LOTS of lives”

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it”

“Never put Nutella on salmon or you’ll get Salmonella”

“Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and violinist”

“What do you call a Chinese crab?”/“A crust-asian.”

“My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it” (joke)

“My friend used my to-do list to roll a blunt. He’s high on my list of priorities”

“I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them”

“Lie like a rug” (to always lie)

The Mighty Wurlitzer (CIA “playing” the media)

“What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?”/“Cheese was.”

“What is the definition of Death?”/“When you stop paying taxes suddenly.”

“My main problem is reconciling my gross habits with my net income”

I.O.U.S.A. (IOU + USA)

“A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain”

“A committee is twelve people doing the work of one”

“When they go low, you go high”

“A bar walks into a man. Oops! Wrong frame of reference” (bar joke)

“How many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb?” (joke)

Deep State (state within a state)

Shadow Government

Invisible Government

“Never book a judge by his cover” (joke)

People’s News Network (Twitter nickname)

“How does a French woman hold her liquor?”/“By the ears.”

“A principle isn’t a principle until it costs you money”

“Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good”

Alphabet Mafia

Alphabet Mafia (media companies)

Alphabet Soup (agency names)

“The cook’s course is the hardest course in the army”

“I’m going bananas…is what I say to my bananas before leaving the house”

“Why did the jalapeño put on a sweater?”/“Because he was a little chili.”

“Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist”

“An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible”

“Oxygen and Magnesium walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a stolen Tesla?”/“An Edison.”

“What do you call two banana skins?”/“A pair of slippers.”

“What do you call a retired vegetable?”/“A has-bean.”

“Dear Pringles, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness”

“What’s the fastest vegetable?”/“A runner bean.”

“There’s always time for a glass of wine”

“Roses are red. Wine is also red. Poems are hard. Wine”

“Why did the baby ganoush grow up big and strong?”/“It had good auber-genes.”

“What did the lettuce say to the celery?”/“Quit stalking me!”

“Why is history like a fruit cake?”/“Because it’s full of dates.”

“What’s the strongest vegetable?”/“A muscle sprout.”

“Why was the math teacher late for school?”/“He took the rhombus.”

“What kind of vegetable is jealous?”/“A green bean.”

“What’s the coolest vegetable?”/“A rad-ish.”

“How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?”/“With a pumpkin patch.”

“What would you find on a haunted beach?”/“A sand witch.”