Big Apple Stars Awards Program (Hotel Association of New York City)

“What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?”/“Squash.”

“Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?”/“The crossing gourd.”

“Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?”/“The crossing gourd.”

“If money really did grow on trees, everyone’s favorite season would be fall”

“If money really did grow on trees, everyone’s favorite season would be fall”

“What kind of key opens a haunted house?”/“A spoo-key.”

“Why did the cranberries turn red?”/“Because they saw the turkey dressing.”

“What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?”/“The turkey.”

“Why don’t you eat fish on Thanksgiving?”/“Because Thanksgiving never falls on a fry day.”

“What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?”/“Peach gobbler.”

“Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?”/“To make up for a bad summer.”

“What key has legs and can’t open doors?”/“A turkey.”

“I know how to load more than a washer & dryer” (pro-gun slogan)

“Where did the first corn come from?”/“The stalk brought it.”

“What smells best at Thanksgiving dinner?”/“Your nose.”

“Why did the turkey cross the road?”/“It was the chicken’s day off.”

“My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state”

“The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest”

“The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest”

“No Soliciting…unless you’re selling Thin Mints” (sign)

“No Soliciting…unless you’re selling Girl Scout Cookies” (sign)

“What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?”/“Plymouth rock.”

“Why can’t you take a turkey to church?”/“Because they use fowl language.”

“An ill wind that nobody blows good” (musical instrument joke)

“What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?”/“Fowl weather.”

“What do you call it when it rains chickens, ducks and turkeys?”/“Fowl weather.”

“An ill wind that nobody blows good” (musical instrument joke)

“What happened when the turkey got into a fight?”/“He got the stuffing knocked out of him.”

“Why did Johnny get low grades after Thanksgiving?”/“Everything is marked down after the holidays.”

“Catch and kill” (buying and burying a news story)

“Why do hens lay eggs?”/“Because if they dropped them they’d break.”

“Any team can have a bad century” (“Anyone can have a bad century”)

“Why do turkeys always go ‘Gobble! Gobble!’?”/“Because they never learned good table manners.”

“Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune”

“I had a life…but my job ate it”

“Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?”/“He wanted a light snack.”

Manhattan of the Middle East (Abu Dhabi,  Dubai and Tel Aviv nickname)

Female Body Inspector (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“What is a Jewish dilemma?”/“Free ham.”

“When do you serve tofu turkey?”/“Pranksgiving.”

Favoritism Before Integrity (Federal Bureau of Investigation or FBI nickname)

“What did the turkey say before it was roasted?”/“Boy! I’m stuffed!”

“Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally”

“What do you call cheese by itself?”/“Provolone.”

“What do you call a group of whales playing instruments?”/“An orca-stra.”

“What do you call a microbiologist in an orchestra?”/“A cell-ist.”

“A stinky man walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a sleeping pizza?”/“A pizzzza.”

“Why didn’t the acrobat work in the winter?”/“He wanted to do summer-saults.”

“What do sea monsters eat?”/“Fish and ships.”

“What do you call friends who eat together?”/“Taste buds.”

“Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market”

“Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market”

“What do you wear to a Thanksgiving dinner?”/“A har-vest.”

“What did the Pilgrims use to bake cakes?”/“May-flour.”

“What is full of raisins and on a secret mission?”/“Mince spy.”

“What do math teachers do on Thanksgiving?”/“Count their blessings”

“What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?”/“The letter G.”

“Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime”

“Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime”

“On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment—halftime”

“What hides in the bakery at Christmas?”/“Mince spy.”

“Where do turkeys go to dance?”/“The Butterball.”

“If you’re in a cold room, stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees”

“Which side of a turkey has the juiciest meat?”/“The inside.”

“Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?”/“The outside.”

“Want to stop riots? Play the national anthem. They’ll all sit down”

“A dangling modifier walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What school supply is always tired?”/“A knapsack.”

“What happened when the waiter dropped the Thanksgiving meal?” (joke)

“In war, there are no unwounded soldiers”

“The only easy day was yesterday” (Navy SEAL motto)

“This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave”

“What did the pancake say to the baseball player?”/“Batter up!”

“What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?”/“Catch you later!”

“I’d like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary”

“What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?”/“Pleased to eat you.”

“You can’t hit and think at the same time” (baseball saying)

“I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary” (Yogi Berra Night)

“Why are many umpires fat?”/“Because they always clean their plate.”

News Klux Klan (news + Ku Klux Klan)

“Why did the cantaloupe jump into the lake?”/“It wanted to be a watermelon.”

“What kind of car will a bitcoiner never drive?”/“A Fiat.”

“Government is like a baby, with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other”

“Why are many umpires fat?”/“Because they always clean their plate.”

“What is the loudest sport?”/“Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet.”

“What cake is as hard as a rock?”/“Marble cake.”

Planned Predators (Planned Parenthood nickname)

“What is the quietest sport?”/“Bowling, because you can hear a pin drop.”

“What is a crazy pickle?”/“A daffydill.”

Gooey Butter Cake

“Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?” (riddle)

“What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?” (riddle)

“How can you make a turkey float?”/“Get 2 ice cream scoops, root beer and a turkey.”

“Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?”/“No, just have turkey.”

“What is a sheep’s favorite fruit?”/“A baa-nana.”

“What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?”/“The letter F.”

“What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?”/“Take him out for pizza and ice cream!”

RPG Sandwich (roast pork on garlic bread)