“Sadly this Christmas passes away, so let us give thanks today”

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year”

“Diploma: Remembrance of things passed”

“The gift of giving is the best gift we have been given”

“What do you get if you cross a drummer with a musician?”/“A bass player.”

“When it snows, you have two choices—shovel or make snow angels”

“Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone”

“What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?” (joke)

“Christmas cookies and happy hearts, this is how the holiday starts”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”

“Let’s put the rum in pa-rum pum pum pum”

“Christmas: The only time of year where you can sit by a dead tree and eat candy out of socks”

“Trimming the tree with happy hearts, that’s the way the holiday starts”

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red”

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear”

“Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled”

“Living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world”

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree”

“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?”/“It’s Christmas, Eve.”

“What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?”/“A snowball.”

“Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle”

“Christmas is not as much about opening presents, as opening our hearts”

“What do you call a snowman party?”/“A snowball.”

“Where do snowmen go to dance?”/“To a snowball.”

“Christmas is a deeply religious time we observe by going to the mall of our choice”

“It isn’t the holly, it isn’t the snow. It isn’t the tree nor the firelight’s glow” (Christmas poem)

“What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?”/“Snowballs.”

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful”

“The first Noel, the angels did say. You’ll be paying your bills from now until May”

“I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner”

“Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental”

“What do snowmen wear on their heads?”/“Ice caps.”

“What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?”/“He got 25 days.”

“What’s the most popular Christmas wine?”/“I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”

“How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?”/“One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.”

“What kind of paper likes music?”/“Wrapping paper.”

“Which is the strongest day in the week?”/“Sunday - all the rest are weekdays.”

“How did Scrooge win the football game?”/“The ghost of Christmas passed!”

“What athlete is warmest in winter?”/“A long jumper.”

“Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?”/“Because their days are numbered.”

“You never really hear about anyone stress-eating vegetables”

“Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?”/“Because the punchlines are offal.”

“I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas” (joke)

“Yo mama is so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas”

“Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?”/“Because every buck is dear to him.”

“May your house always be too small to hold all your friends”

“Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?”/“In the dictionary.”

“I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York”

“What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?”/“Shortbread.”

“Veni, Vidi, Visa” (“I came, I saw, I did a little shopping”)

“What has 22 legs and 2 wings, but can’t fly?”/“A football team.”

“What do you call a singing elf?”/“A wrapper.”

“What athlete is warmest in winter?”/“A long jumper.”

“What is a frog’s favorite drink?”/“Croak-a-cola.”

“A drummer with good time doesn’t exist” (joke)

“An honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus…” (joke)

“I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers”

“Where do you go to weigh a pie?”/“Somewhere over the rainbow.”

“What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?”/“Meals on wheels.”

“What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?”/“Meals on wheels.”

“Why was the cannibal expelled from school?”/“Because he was buttering up his teacher.”

“New Yorkers are noted for their stupidity” (NYC’s population is very dense)

“I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far”

“Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?”/“Because they’re all Targets.”

“Money’s short, times are hard. Here’s your fucking Christmas card”

“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve”

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other”

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions”

“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year”

“New Year’s Eve forecast: Mostly drunk, with a slight chance of passing out”

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect”

“Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits”

“It’s not what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s that makes you fat…”

“Today/Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one”

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right”

“People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event”

“New Year’s Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter”

“My New Year’s resolution is 1080p”

“New Year’s is a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s”

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person”

“Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it”

“New Year’s Resolution—A ‘to do’ list for the first week of January”

“The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year’s”

“The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year’s”

“Kiss me. It’s midnight somewhere”

“Your Merry Christmas depends on what others do for you; New Year on what you do for others”