Saranac Lake: “Green Side of the Big Apple” (slogan)

“A Marxist is someone who loves humanity in groups of one million or more”

Saranac Lake: Capital City of the Adirondacks (nickname)

Saranac Lake: Little City in the Adirondacks (nickname)

Saranac Lake: “The Adirondacks’ Coolest Place” (slogan)

“Shopping is my cardio”

“I make chocolate disappear. What’s your superpower?”

“Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?” (riddle)

“How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” (riddle)

“You only live once. Lick the bowl”

“My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier”

“The best wines are the ones we drink with friends”

“Vodka mixes well with everything. Except decisions”

“Would you like a glass of water?”/“I’m thirsty, not dirty.”

“This margarita tastes like I don’t even have kids”

“Too dumb for New York City, too ugly for L.A.”

“Never put a number and a date in the same sentence” (forecasting adage)

“I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant”

“The doctor told me to lose some weight, so I bought a dog” (joke)

“How does NASA organize their company parties?”/“They planet.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit”

“Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn”

“Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn”

“Broth is just meat tea”

“Why don’t communists ever learn?”/“Because there are no classes.”

“Food trucks are pretty popular, but I don’t know if I trust a restaurant with a get-away plan”

“Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things…” (joke)

“I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I’m already fat”

“Why don’t communists ever learn?”/“Because there are no classes.”

“How long does it take to eat a tire?”/“A good year.”

“What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?”/“Supplies!”

“With organic whiskey, one may attain the stupornatural”

“This orange juice says shake well before drinking…” (drinking joke)

“The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots”

“Why did John jump up and down before drinking his juice?”/“The box said, “Shake well.’”

“What is black when it is clean and white when it is dirty?”/“A blackboard.”

NYPD (New York Pass Defense)

“The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!”

“The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!”

“The official tree of New York City is scaffolding”

“Why are mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas”

“When all else fails, read the instructions”

“My old school bully still takes my lunch money…” (joke)

“How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?”/“Put it in a viola case.”

“I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!”

“I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat”

“I’m being held momentarily by the train dispatcher” (joke)

“I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should’ve put it on aloha setting”

“Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth”

“A fruit probably wouldn’t travel to Australia, but a veggie might”

“I went to a zoo and it had only one animal—a dog. It was a Shih Tzu”

“What’s worse than spiders on your piano?”/“Crabs on your organ.”

“Why can’t dogs dance?”/“Because they have two left feet.”

“He said, ‘You remind me of a pepper pot.’ I said, ‘I’ll take that as a condiment’”

“Baseball is the only sport you can play with food in your mouth”

“I’m crazy? I want a second opinion!”/“You’re ugly, too.”

“How do you make a Venetian blind?”/“Poke him in the eye.”

“I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it”

“What do you call a guy in debt?”/“Owen.”

“What do you give to a man who has everything?”/“Penicillin.”

“Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood”

“While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! -Sincerely, The Opportunist”

“I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked…but that’s rare”

“Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny’s myths?”

“Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a feminist”

“Rowing is oarsome”

“I’ve been watching the Origami Channel. It’s paper view”

Golden Globalist (Golden Globe + globalist)

“You wanna pizza me?”

“Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house”

“What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?”/“Bernadette.”

“What do you call a snowman with a suntan?”/“A puddle.”

“Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit!”

“A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview” (joke)

“Vodka! Tequila! Whiskey! I call the shots!”

“Me and my limbo team go way back”

“My Facebook-using grandfather died. We won’t be seeing the likes of him again”

“I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday…” (joke)

“My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath…” (joke)

“I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink”

“I’m a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing”

“A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener…” (bar joke)

“A nose walks into a bar…”  (bar joke)

“I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn’t very good at it. Lance is still in prison”

“Don’t make fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates”

“Where do fish go to borrow money?”/“A loan shark.”

“What do you give to a sick lemon?”/“Lemon aid.”

“I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy”

“What do you say to a Mexican body builder who’s out of protein powder?”/“No whey, José.”

“A man walks into a bar with a newt…” (bar joke)

“The food label read, ‘Store in a cool place,’ so…” (joke)

“I’m not sure sure if it’s the thyme or the plaice” (joke)

“For Sale: a thick layer of dust. As seen on TV”

“Can you give me a lift?”/“Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

“The only way to lose weight by drinking green tea is to go to the mountain and pick it yourself”

“How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?”/“Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!”

“Whenever I see a sign that says ‘keep off the grass,‘I wonder how it got there”

“Where do boats go when they’re sick?”/“To the dock.”

“A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative”