“If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask ‘What did you do?’”

“Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?”/“Because he wanted sweet dreams.”

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it”

“Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?”/“It was legend dairy.”

“What did one elevator say to the other?”/“I think I’m coming down with something!”

“It’s not government work unless you have to do it twice”

“Why do Americans make such a fuss about 9/11 anyway? What happened on the 9th of November?”

“What do you feed a baby parabola?”/“Quadratic formula.”

“Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?”/“Because they don’t believe in higher powers.”

“Don’t update your status when you’re drunk”

“Wife has left me because of my fetish with touching pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now”

“Two chemists walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

Zombie (cocktail)

“How often should you wear gloves in the winter?”/“Intermittenly.”

“Bananosecond: The time between slipping on a banana peel and hitting the pavement”

“What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?”/“Canabananalism.”

“What do you call a block of cheese that hasn’t been shredded?”/“Ungrateful.”

“What do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?”/“Squash.”

“Where do animals go when their tails fall off?”/“The retail store.”

“Why do people carry umbrellas?”/“Because umbrellas can’t walk.”

“So many people in my area have head lice. The positive side is, we are a close nit community”

“The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt”

“I can’t believe pretzels are knot bread”

“I’ve grown to hate low ceilings”

“It’s not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes”

“I really love my fanbase…without it my fan would fall over”

“Lost like a fat person at a salad bar”

“I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided…” (joke)

“I’m a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear”

“Don’t update your status when you’re drunk”

“A book dies every time you watch a reality TV show”

“I’m about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though”

“I’ve reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty”

“Beer because nothing actually happened over coffee”

“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.”—Me, after eating one healthy meal

“I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk”

“Irish I was drunk” (“Irish I were drunk”)

“Did you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped”

“She won’t techno for an answer”

“Exit signs are on the way out”

“I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues”

“My internet bride got delivered today. She’s the WiFi always dreamed of”

“I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it”

“Exercise bikes get you nowhere”

“I never question myself. Why should I start now?”

“I love reunions. They’re old school”

“The first few weeks of Weight Watchers you’re just finding your feet”

“Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners”

“Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I’ve hit an all time low”

“My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them”

“If I want to see clowns at the Garden, I’ll just go to a Knicks game”

“I saw an ad that said, ‘TV for sale-Volume Stuck on Full.’ I couldn’t turn that down”

“The four seasons are deer, turkey, rabbit and duck”

“A lot of people don’t like Mondays, but 48 hours ago was a sadder day”

“What’s the biggest lie on the internet?”/“I have read and agree to the terms of use.”

“What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?”/“The NBA.”

“What happens at a bulimic’s bachelor party?”/“The cake jumps out of the girl.”

“How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?” (Joke)

“What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?”/“Another lawyer.”

“Before Conference pears, we could only talk to one pear at a time”

“Just saw loads of pears at a meeting. They must be Conference pears”

“What do you call a drummer with half a brain?”/“Gifted.”

“Gardeners always know the ground rules”

“How do you know when the stage is level?”/“Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.”

“What do you call a black man flying a plane?”/“A pilot, you racist!”

“I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment”

“What do you call two people in an ambulance?”/“A pair of medics.”

“Why are drummer jokes so simple?”/“So bassists can understand them.”

“He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key”

“Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job”

“A plateau is a high form of flattery”

“How do you repair a damaged Toll Booth?”/“Toll Gate Booth Paste.”

“Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up”

“When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion”

“What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?”/“A father in law.”

“Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job”

“An ego and a superego walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well”

“The only thing you can believe in the papers is the date”

“Democracy dies in darkness”

“Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included”

“Math—the only subject that counts”

“Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?”/“In a communest.”

“My body is a temple…to Dionysus”

“Democracy dies in darkness” (Washington Post slogan)

“The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well”

“I’m not sure if I’m hungry, but I’m gonna eat anyway, just in case”

“I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning”

“Trail mix is just M&M’s with obstacles”

“Hungry isn’t even a feeling for me anymore…it’s basically a personality trait”

“Decaf only works if you throw it on people”

“The only stock options I have are chicken and beef”

“The only stock options I have are chicken and beef”

“When you text a girl, you also text her friends”

“Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?”/“So they can have bubble baths.”

“What major city is the most feminist?”/“Manhatin’.”

“What’s the difference between a pizza and an emo pizza?”/“An emo pizza slices itself.”

“Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps”

“If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini, it ain’t worth fixing”