“What’s the difference between a golf ball and an electric car?”/“A ball can be driven 300 yards.”

“There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one”

“How do you make an electric car go faster?”/“A tow truck.”

“What do you call an electric car at the top of a hill?”/“A miracle.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets”

“If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance”

“No rules for success will work if you don’t”

“Confidence is the companion of success”

“Why don’t we take the safety labels off everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?”

“Diner: How long will my spaghetti be? Waiter: I don’t know. We never measure it.”

“Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?”/“No outside food is allowed.”

“Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?”/“It ran out of juice.”

“What do you call a Chinese billionaire?”/“Cha Ching.”

“Why did a soccer manager give his team lighters?”/“Because they kept losing all of their matches.”

“Why do cannibals go to the movies alone?”/“No outside food is allowed.”

“What kind of music are scissors afraid of?”/“Rock music.”

“I never joined the mile-high club because I don’t give a flying fuck”

“I shouldn’t have had seafood because now I’m feeling a little eel”

“I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back…” (joke)

“Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?”/“She couldn’t control her pupils.”

“I’d make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all”

“Slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace”

“My best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides”

Endicott: Magic City (nickname)

“I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far”

“When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye”

“Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?”/“Because he was too far out, man.”

“Why did the strawberry cross the road?”/“Because his mother was in a jam.”

“Why did the strawberry cross the road?”/“Because his mother was in a jam.”

“I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days”

“Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning” (joke)

“A criminal’s best asset is his lie-ability”

“I’m not homophobic. I’m not afraid of my house!”

“The slow man with integrity will ultimately catch the swift one who has none”

“What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?”/“A rash of good luck.”

Eleventh Commandment (“Mind your business”)

“When you’re out of quality, you’re out of business”

“Mistakes are a great educator when one is honest enough to admit them”

Eleventh Commandment (“Thou shalt not get caught”)

“Not sure if mine is the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there”

“What do you call a wooden car with wooden wheels?”/“Wooden go.”

“Bunnies are cuddly, the large and the small. I like chocolate ones the best of them all”

“There’s nothing wrong with me a little ice cream won’t fix”

“A winner makes commitments. A loser makes promises”

“Spring is not the best of seasons. Cold and flu are two good reasons”

“How do bunnies stay healthy?”/“Eggercise.”

“The best vitamin for making friends is B-1”

“If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough”

“You can’t take something off the Internet, It’s like taking pee out of a pool”

“Rated G - The good guy gets the girl; R - The bad guy gets the girl; X - Everyone gets the girl”

“Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?”

“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”

“Why should people see bad pictures when they can stay at home and see bad television?”

“‘I’ before ‘E,’ except when you run a feisty heist on your weird beige overweight foreign neighbor”

“The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing”

“Your round.”/“So are you, you fat bastard!” (bar joke)

“What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald’s?”/“A Shamrock Shake.”

“Today is International Women’s Day” (joke)

“What did the leprechaun do for a living?”/“He was a short-order cook.”

“I never thought I’d get into Feng Shui, but oh, how the tables have turned”

“What do you get when you do the Irish jig at McDonald’s?”/“A Shamrock Shake.”

“My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, they’re in for a shock”

“Ice cream is cheaper than therapy”

“If Korean pop is KPop, is Chinese rap Crap?

O.K. Bolt (tapioca pudding)

One Chatham Square (beef stew)

Tenement House in a Shower of Rain (hamburger steak and gravy)

Links of the Atlantic Cable (link sausage)

“If money can’t buy happiness, explain pizza”

“I might just take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right”

“When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it”

“What do leprechauns love to barbecue?”/“Short ribs.”

One Chatham Square (beef stew)

“What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?”/“A leper-con.”

“When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?”/“When it’s a FRENCH fry!”

“Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?”/“He couldn’t afford plane fare.”

“Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?”/“In the Little League.”

“Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?”/“Regular rocks are too heavy.”

“Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?”/“To keep from falling in the stew!”

“Do leprechauns make good secretaries?”/“Sure, they’re great at shorthand!”

“What kind of bow can’t be tied?”/“A rainbow.”

“Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?”/“Do we, now?”

“How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?”/“He’s Dublin over with laughter!”

“Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?”/“They’re very short-tempered!”

“I think my math teacher works for the CIA. He always wants to put radicals in isolation”

“What did one Irish ghost say to the other?”/“Top o’ the moaning!”

“What do you say to a leprechaun?”/“How’s the weather down there?”

“I finally got an A on my essay! (Only 1999 more words to go)”

“If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed”

“What fruits do twins like best?”/“Pears.”

“What do you think of my Irish stew?”/“It could use a pinch of Gaelic.”

“When does the leprechaun cross the road?”/“When it’s green!”

“What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?”/“A jig mistake.”

“What do you get if you cross a leprechaun with a Texan?”/“Pot of chili at the end of the rainbow.”

“Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day” (knock-knock joke)

“What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?”/“Shortstop.”

“What kind of music does a leprechaun band play?”/“Shamrock ‘n’ roll.”

“I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings…”

“Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold?”/“They like to ‘go’ first class!”

“What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?”/“My pizza jokes can’t be topped!”