“Make your passion your paycheck”

“Thank God it’s Monday…said no one ever”

“Employers are most happy on Mondays. Employees are most happy on Fridays”

“Do what you love and you’ll never have a problem with Monday”

“Mondays are for fresh starts”

“On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks”

“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems”

“If Monday had a face, I would punch it”

“What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?”/“About five drinks.”

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”

“I tried to say no to vodka, but it’s 40% stronger than me”

“We never knew he was drunk…until he showed up for work sober”

“I spent four years in college and didn’t learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych”

“Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the tension, the bra, the panties and a host of other problems”

“What do you call children born in whorehouses?”/“Brothel sprouts.”

“Men like football because the priorities are Scoring and Ball Security”

“When someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football”

“A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer”

“A cup of tea solves everything”

“A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee”

“Today, I will be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagna”

“A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee”

“I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent”

“In every language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast”

“Calories (noun)—Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes tighter”

“Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain”

“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil”

“Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first”

“Subway is definitely the healthiest fast food available because they make you get out of the car”

“Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work”

“Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy”

“I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. That’s what they mean by reducing it”

Food Activism (Food Activist)

“What is the best butter in the world?”/“A goat.”

“What’s the best thing to eat with jacket potatoes?”/“Button mushrooms.”

“Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener”

“What do you call a pig thief?”/“A ham-burglar.”

“What bus sailed the ocean?”/“Colum-bus.”

“What nut has no shell?”/“A dough-nut.”

“What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?”/“Pulled pork.”

“The wife bet I couldn’t make a spaghetti car. Then I drove pasta”

“Washington, DC is 12 square miles bordered by reality”

“Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery”

“I don’t take soup. You can’t build a meal on a lake”

“Why was the Pepsi employee fired?”/“He tested positive for Coke.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that I’ll never be as good as a wall”

“A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch”

“Where there’s a whisk, there’s a way”

“It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about food”

“I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger”

“Photographers are violent people. First they frame you, then they shoot you”

Ithaca: “Ithaca is 10 square miles, surrounded by reality”

“I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it”

“Why was the Pepsi employee fired?”/“He tested positive for Coke.”

“9/11 jokes always fall flat”

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little”

“If tea leaves, does coffee have grounds for divorce?”

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it”

“An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer”

“Sleep feels the way pizza tastes”

“What’s the opposite of a tsunami?”/“A microwave.”

“What’s the opposite of a tsunami?”/“A microwave.”

Gateway of the Mississippi Valley (New Orleans nickname)

N’awlins (New Orleans nickname)

Metropolis of the South (New Orleans nickname)

Paris of America (New Orleans nickname)

“With grape powder comes grape responsibility”

NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana nickname)

“When you have nothing to do, do it on Facebook”

“Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account”

“Behind every successful person, there is a deactivated Facebook account”

“I had a dream to read other people’s minds. Then I joined Facebook”

“Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?”

“You don’t have to like me. I’m not a Facebook status”

“The problem with 9/11 jokes is that they never seem to land”

Poughkeepsie: Queen City of the Hudson (nickname)

“Everybody says stealing is wrong. Personally, I don’t buy it”

“Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook?”

Birthplace of Jazz (New Orleans nickname)

“When you have nothing to say, say it on Twitter”

“My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It’s a small scale operation”

“What do you call a feminist government?”/“A dick-hater-ship.”

“Laissez les bons temps rouler” (“Let the good times roll”)

“Why don’t keyboards sleep?”/“Because they have two shifts.”

Mardi Gras City (New Orleans nickname)

“Respect is like a paycheck, if you don’t earn it, you don’t deserve it”

“People who use public phone boxes are either buying drugs or having an affair”

“Is a cul-de-sac a spoon in the road?”

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy”

“Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands”

“When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow”

“Why isn’t the Discovery Channel on a different channel every day?”

“The UN is really just a country club”

“When all else fails… Pizza & Beer”

“Don’t get mad—get everything!”

“If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?”

“True beauty is within—for example, opening your fridge”

“If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?”

“If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos”

“If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross”