“She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster”

“After winning, I threw the ball into the crowd. Apparently, that’s unacceptable in bowling”

“I like to play chess with old men in the park…although it’s hard to find 32 of them”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing”

“No one in history has ever choked to death from swallowing his pride”

“Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king”

“I like to play chess with old men in the park…although it’s hard to find 32 of them”

“Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say screw them!”

“Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing”

“I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it”

“Don’t be yourself. Be a pizza. Everyone loves pizza”

“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice”

“Believing in yourself is the first secret to success”

Backpack Journalism; Backpack Journalist

“What do you call a funny fortune cookie?”/“An inside joke.”

“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks…” (joke)

“What does the military use acid for?”/“To neutralize the enemy base.”

“No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side”

“Why is American beer served cold?”/“So you can tell it from urine.”

“I’ve studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand”

“I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere”

“What is a customary greeting from a cannibal?”/“He presents you with a handshake.”

“What do you call an atheist business?”/“A non-prophet organization.”

“Water your mind to grow your soul”

“Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder”

“We’re all just kids posing as professionals, counting the days until Friday”

“My college graduation was in an arena, and it was hot in there, like 5,000 degrees”

“In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you”

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist…” (joke)

“The fork spooned the knife, so the spoon knifed the fork”

“What do vegans say during sex?”/“Artichoke me.”

“Why are computers always hungry?”/“Because they can only eat microchips.”

“Music picks you up from where people leave you”

“Rule #1 to working out: Never skip Monday”

“What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can’t buy a hamburger?”

“How do you make a hamburger laugh?”/“Pickle it gently.”

“What did the hamburger say when it pleaded ‘not guilty’?”/“I’ve been flamed!”

“Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?”/“Because she had her nose in a hamburger.”

“There’s no excuse for anyone to work harder than you do”

“How did the jury find the hamburger?”/“Grill-ty as charred.”

“Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?”/“Because she had her nose in a hamburger.”

“Kill them with success and bury them with a smile”

“If every day is a gift, then today was socks”

“What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can’t buy a hamburger?”

“What good does it do to be able to eat at a lunch counter if you can’t buy a hamburger?”

“Why go out for hamburger, when I’ve got steak at home?”

“You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah”

“Why is NASCAR a white dominated sport?”/“They’re all racists.”

“Be you. The world will adjust”

“Find someone who makes you feel the same way music does”

“Lawyers talk how doctors write”

“I was sad, then I saw food”

“I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking is work-related”

“I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants”

“I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking is work-related”

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger”

“Retirement: God’s reward for not strangling your boss”

“Let’s get merloaded” (Merlot + loaded)

“I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair”

“A day without wine isn’t over yet”

“The best is yet to come. Unless you’re out of wine”

“I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants”

“Wine is like a hug in a glass”

“It’s not drinking alone if the dog is home”

“Sippity doo dah! Sippity yay!” (wine saying)

“Food is a great garnish for a glass of wine”

“WTF—Wine Tasting Friends”

“I’m not a wine snob. I’m just an awesommelier” (awesome + sommelier)

“Thank God It’s Fermented” (TGIF)

“They should put more wine in the bottle so there’s enough for two people”

“I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes”

“What does a cannibal drink in the morning?”/“A cup of Joe.”

“Healthy eating is a sign of self-respect”

“Never give someone the opportunity to waste your time twice”

“The only thing stopping me from smashing my alarmclock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone”

“If they don’t chase you when you walk away, keep walking”

Fraudcast (fraud + broadcast); Fraudcasting; Fraudcaster