“It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies”

“I need to find a way to be asleep, but still get all my work done”

“How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it ‘already’ 2:00pm or ‘only’ 2:00pm?”

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”

“What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down stairs?”/“A condescending con descending.”

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket”

“A knight in shining armor is a man who’s never had his metal truly tested”

“Is this meat really wild?”/“Yes sir, it was absolutely furious when we shot it.”

“What do you get when you eat bad pizza?”/“Pizzarrhea.”

“At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song”

“No matter how you feel. Get up, dress up, show up and never give up!”

“Trust is like an eraser— it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake”

“Teacher: What sound do pigs make? Student: FREEZE!”

The Championship Track (Belmont Park nickname)

“The body heals with play. The mind heals with laughter. The spirit heals with joy”

“I found a builder who advertises ‘No job too small’ so I’ve got him tiling the doll’s house”

“They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken”

“If you think you’ve got nothing to be thankful for…check your pulse”

“I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst”

“What’s the best part about dating a Mets fan?”/“You know she’s not looking for a ring.”

“Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office—I will track you down. You have my Word”

“I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes”

“Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your watch, your calendar…”

“What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?”/“You cry when you cut up an onion.”

“Accept people as they are. Believe in what they can become”

“Replace excuses with effort, replace laziness with determination, and everything falls into place”

“‘Too much milk left need more cereal’ always leads to ‘too much cereal need more milk’”

“Your ignorance is their power”

Rocky Road (ice cream)

“Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high”

“Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office—I will track you down. You have my Word”

“Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind”

“Are you watching too much TV, but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Problem solved”

“I’m drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver”

“When profit is the motor of society, destruction is considered as progress”

“Find something worth dying for, then live for it”

“If it looks like piss, smells like piss and tastes like piss—then it must be Budweiser”

“What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?”/“A hot-diggity-dog.”

“I’m a woman. I have needs. Pass me the wine”

“I’m allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm”

“Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles”

“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words”

“Some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles can holder of this treadmill”

“The broccoli says, ‘I look like a small tree’ ...” (joke)

“Lazy rule: If you can’t reach it, you don’t need it”

“Bucket list: 1. Bucket, 2. Ice, 3. Beer”

“CNN said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who does the world owe? Jupiter?”

Counterfeit News Network (CNN nickname)

“What do you call a sad watermelon?”/“Melancholy.”

“Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?”/“Because they can only use OneNote!”

“Deciding whether to buy gold or silver is an either ore situation”

“Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music?”/“Because they can only use OneNote!”

“How do they charge you in a Chinese restaurant?”/“Perpetuate.”

“Don’t fart in an Apple store. They don’t have Windows”

“If money talks, they why do we need bank tellers?”

“Don’t fart in an Apple store. They don’t have Windows”

Longest Street in America (Broadway nickname)

“What’s the fastest fast food?”/“Lamb-burger-inis.”

Longest Street in America (Broadway)

“When life gives you lemons. Life probably stole those lemons from some nice old lady”

“Needing insurance is like needing a parachute…”

“For many people, ‘live and learn’ is one task too many”

“Can’t find your children?  Try turning off the wifi.  They appear suddenly”

“Failed at making an omelet, so now I’m having scrambled eggs”

“There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2”

Great White Way (Broadway nickname)

“What do you need to make dill bread?”/“Dill dough.”

“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy saving mode”

“If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart”

“A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine”

“A black hole walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Marriage is a workshop…where the husband works and the wife shops”

“Patience is what you have when there are too many witnesses”

“What’s the difference between Middle Earth and New York City?”/“Two towers.”

“Maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio?” (talking dog joke)

“A poem about work: Coffee. Blah blah blah. Drive home. Wine”

“Just bought some Viagra tea bags. They stop your biscuit from going soft”

“I changed my password to ‘incorrect.’ When I forget, it will tell me, ‘Your password is incorrect’”

“What did the potato chip say to the battery?”/“If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito-Lay.”

“Hasta lasagna, don’t get any on ya”

“Friends buy you a lunch. Best friends eat your lunch”

“I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon”

“Hasta la pasta” (hasta la vista + pasta)

“A tall guy walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat”

“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but I discover they’re just regular donuts”

“Need motivation to lose weight? Eat In front of a mirror. Naked”

“Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food”

“Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle ‘farts’!”

“I love cooking children and dogs. But hate using commas”

“The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid”

“The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the ‘Skip Ad’ button on YouTube”

“When I order pizza online and there’s a ‘Notes’ box, I put ‘Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON’”

“Food is essential to life; therefore, make it good”

“You don’t have to eat less. You just have to eat right”

“I don’t always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I’m probably at work”

“It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person”

“When life shuts a door, open it again. That’s how doors work”

Deliciositicity or Deliciousiticity (form of “delicious”)

“The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine”