“I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day”

“My church accepts all denominations—fivers, tenners, twenties”

“I hate flash mobs. One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe”

“When life gives you melons, buy a bra”

“There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any”

“Practice as if you are the worst. Play as if you are the best”

“The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms”

“If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee’s favorite drug?”/“Pot.”

“A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar… (bar joke)

“I saw an Amish billboard that said, ‘don’t drink or drive’”

“Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant…”

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life’s a bitch and beer’s a must”

“I saw an Amish billboard that said, ‘don’t drink or drive’”

Turketarian or Turkeytarian (turkey eater)

“Any bug can hit the windshield, but it takes guts to stick”

“Guess what?”/“Chicken butt.”

“They sleep, we grind. They dream, we shine”

“They say money has germs, but even a germ couldn’t live on the money I make”

“I think that a butt-dial is a polite form of booty-call”

“A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly”

“I hate everybody, regardless of race, creed, or place of national origin!”

“Is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?”

“Google + Wikipedia = Homework”

“Your finest Scotch, please” (Scotch tape joke)

“The 8th deadly sin is leaving a friend a voicemail”

“What do transgenders put on their salad?”/“Crossdressing.”

“My baker never uses chocolate chips in his cookies. It’s okay, I’m sure he has his raisins”

“Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than five songs in the world? Sincerely, iPod”

“In what key does the ghost play piano?”/“In the spoo-key.”

“In the restaurant: ‘Would you like a table?’  ‘No, a lamp for 5 please.’”

“My study breaks are longer than my actual study time”

“Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter…”

“If one teacher can’t teach every subject, why does one student have to learn them all?”

“Everything’s funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh”

“Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than five songs in the world, right?”

Big Apple Dance

“Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock.  They won’t shut up when you’re trying to sleep”

Live It Fully Everyday (“life” backronym)

“Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: ‘Goodbye, class’”

“I like school. I just don’t enjoy the learning part”

“We’ve been married so long we’re on our second bottle of Tabasco”

“Lazy rule: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge”

“Good friends give you food. Best friends take your food”

“What is the preferred sandwich of the working class?”/“A plebian-J.”

“My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it”

“Why did the cheese board blow away?”/“Because of the strong bries.”

“Just because my pizza consists of 12 slices doesn’t mean I need 11 new friends”

“Teacher: ‘Is that a phone!?’ Me: ‘No. It’s my calculator.’”

“When did you stop beating your wife?”/“When her chess game improved.”

“How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?”/“President Ben Franklin walks into a bar…”

“If homework is to read something, there is no homework”

“When I’m at work it’s sunny and nice, after work, cold and raining”

“Google + Wikipedia = Homework”

“Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”/“I don’t like to call you at work.”

“Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty” (joke)

“Mississippi: “What has four eyes and cannot see?”/“Mississippi.”

“How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk?”/“Toucans.”

“My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Jerks”

“Paper or plastic for my French bread? I don’t care. Just baguette”

“Whiskey: The nighttime sniffling sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the kitchen floor medicine”

“A house isn’t a home unless there’s wifi”

“Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was ‘reduced fat’ so it was basically like going to the gym”

“Whenever my wife packs me salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong”

“Steal a news van. It’s the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?”

“What kind of currency do astronauts use in space?”/“Starbucks.”

Neoconette

“I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free”

“What kind of money do they use in space?”/“Starbucks.”

“One day I want to be ‘Let’s Just Take My Helicopter’ rich”

“I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together”

“The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside”

“Your finest Scotch, please” (Scotch tape joke)

“Why did you come home half drunk?”/“I ran out of money.”

Snowball or Sno-ball (shaved ice confection)

“Sell like hot cakes” (a fast-selling item)

“My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow”

“How did the programmer die in the shower?”/“The shampoo bottle read: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

“Sell like hotcakes” (a fast-selling item)

“What language is most commonly used in programming?”/“Profanity.”

“How do you make an elephant float?”/“Just add ice cream.”

“How long do chickens work?”/“Around the cluck.”

Spice Mecca (Kalustyan’s nickname)

“What do you call a cow with two legs?”/“Your mom.”

“Is raising chickens hard work?”/“It sure is. You have to work around the cluck.”

“What’s the difference between a college student and a camel?”/“A camel can go without drinking.”

“Peaches, the gorilla, escaped from the zoo. When they got her back, she was an ape re-caught”

“What’s the difference between a medical student and a camel?”/“A camel can go without drinking.”

“Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?”/“So when they dock they can Scandinavian.”

“How long do chickens work?”/“Around the cluck.”

“What do you call a cow with three legs?”/“Tri-tip.”

“What do you call a cow with one leg?”/“Steak.”

“My cat is wondering why I keep cleaning my ice cream cone”

“I’m going to open a Vietnamese soup/Southern barbeque restaurant and call it Ph? Que”

“Tapas is Spanish for ‘not enough food’”

“I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who’s Foreclosure?”

“I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who’s Foreclosure?”

“Coins are made of metal, because change is hard”

Friyay (Friday + yay)

“Is a line outside a Vietnamese restaurant a pho queue?”