A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
“Stop posting your problems on Facebook and drink alcohol like the rest of us” (12/13)
“My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks” (12/13)
“My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks” (12/13)
Entry forthcoming (12/13)
Entry forthcoming (12/13)
More new entries...

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“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?” (lawyer joke)

“Without Facebook I would forget 90% of my friend’s birthdays”

“Confucius Say—Student who study history, will find there is no future in it”

“There’s an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It’s called ‘camera‘“

“Low battery! Well apparently, you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds”

“You can enjoy pizza with 3 friends if 3 of them are sleeping”

“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?” (lawyer joke)

“There’s an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It’s called ‘camera‘“

“I don’t understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year”

“Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs”

“You’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school, she was fined for littering”

“Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns”

“College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back”

“What’s the difference between men and pigs?"/"Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.”

“Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen”

“I don’t understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year”

“Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns”

“My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them”

“Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?”

“Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were”

“Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday”

“Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos”

“The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts”

“If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly”

“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe”

“I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a car than on a bicycle”

“Homework: If it goes too easy, you’re doing it wrong”

“A wise Chinese man once said, “If a dog barks, it’s undercooked‘“

“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once”

“Dear everyone, upset, bored, angry or hungry—I’m here for you. Sincerely, fridge”

“Why do Java programmers wear glasses?"/"Because they can’t C#.”

“They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a big disappointment”

“Damn girl, are you my report card? Because my parents would be disgusted if they saw you”

“I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them”

“Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?”

“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically”

“If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator”

“Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?”

“Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called ‘Headmaster?‘“

“I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure”

“What’s the best thing for a hangover?"/"Drink loads the night before.”

“Here’s your Social Security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it”

“There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory”

“What’s the difference between a barber and a stylist?"/"$50.”

“Tequila is a good drink. You drink it and you feel like a cactus”

“Swallow your pride occasionally. It’s non-fattening”

“What is Canada’s favorite board game?"/"Sorry!”

“I was never a photogenic person, mainly because when everyone said cheese I said ‘where?!‘“

“Oh, you’re straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet”

“I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep. It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia”

“I don’t need a stable relationship. All I need is a stable internet connection”

Elmira: Queen City of the Southern Tier (nickname)

“One day of practice is like one day of clean living. It ain’t gonna help”

“It’s only the ball that’s soft” (softball saying)

“What do you call a deer that eats pickles?"/"A dill doe.”

“You earn your trophies at practice. You pick them up at competitions”

“4 bases, 3 strikes, 2 teams, 1 winner”

“Practice puts brains in your muscles”

“If you think practice is boring, try sitting on the bench”

“How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn’t know they’re playing?”

“I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza”

“Some day, Canada will rule the world. Then you’ll all be sorry”

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”

“What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT.” (Gay BLT)

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem…” (joke)

“A writer must always tell the truth (unless he’s a journalist)”

“What do you get when you put guacamole on a BLT?"/"An LGBT.” (Gay BLT)

“I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew Chunks” (joke)

Criminal On Patrol ("cop” backronym)

“Bulimic cannibal at rave throws hands up”

“Today I learned that ‘Wet Floor’ signs are not a request”

“Coffee. Chaos. Wine. Bed. Repeat.”

“I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it”

“Friends are therapists you can drink with”

“Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Have kids 2) Make coffee 3) Forget you made coffee 4) Drink it cold”

“Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Become a teacher 2) Pour coffee 3) Go to school…”

“Coffee: liquid optimism”

“If you look down, you will fall. If you look up, you will fly”

Recipe for iced coffee: 1) Become a teacher 2) Pour coffee 3) Go to school…”

New York State: New York State of Opportunity (slogan)

“Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is bad for your joints”

“How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom”

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world & there’s still somebody who hates peaches”

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy”

“What do you call bread with your toe jam spread all over it?"/"Toest.”

“Some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue”

“Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?”

“Why shouldn’t you hire a midget chef?"/"The steaks are too high.”

“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine, if you’re ugly”

“Life is a game—play it” ("What is life?” verses)

“I hate to waste sick days actually being sick”

“Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time”

“Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this”

“Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this”

“Instagram is Twitter for people who can’t read”

“Math is a drama queen. It can’t seriously have that many problems”

“If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit ‘end call,’ we would have no friends”

“In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice”

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