“Life is a game—play it” (“What is life?” verses)

“I hate to waste sick days actually being sick”

“Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee time to whiskey time”

“Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this”

“Nutrition facts are useless. Just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this”

“Instagram is Twitter for people who can’t read”

“Math is a drama queen. It can’t seriously have that many problems”

“If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit ‘end call,’ we would have no friends”

“In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice”

“Life is basically all the stuff you have to do to get from coffee to wine time”

“If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!”

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally”

“Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them”

“I do many things well. None of which generate income”

“There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking”

“Roses are red. Violets are blue. Vodka costs less than dinner for two”

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse”

“No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep”

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places”

“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you”

“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more”

“Stress doesn’t really go with my outfit”

“Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me”

“My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing”

“If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

“So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook”

“There is a time and a place for decaf coffee. Never and in the trash”

“I like my women like I like Little Caesars. Hot and Ready”

“My boss yelled, ‘You’ve been late 5 times this week, Do you know what that means?’” (Friday joke)

“Three things I’m thankful for: 1) family 2) friends 3) Caller ID to avoid family & friends”

“Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me”

“Starbucks isn’t really that expensive when you consider what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup”

“Teacher: ‘Why are you late?’ Student: ‘Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?’”

“Yoga is my favorite way to pretend to work out”

“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow”

“My ceiling fan has 3 speeds…” (joke)

“Party instructions: Walk in. Eat as much as you can. Walk out”

“I try to avoid things that make me fat. Like scales, photos and mirrors”

“There is no ‘I’ in team, but there is in win”

“Rappers pretend they have more money than the really do; country singers that they have less”

“I’ve been hiding from exercise. I’m in the fitness protection program”

“Dirt and bling. It’s a softball thing”

“People who exercise live longer, but those extra years are spent at the gym”

“I’m not slow. I’m just getting my money’s worth from the entry fee”

“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit”

“If overthinking situations burned calories, I’d be dead”

“A spoon is just a bowl on a stick”

“Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet”

“Smoothies are just cold fruit soup”

“Beef jerky is like a meat raisin”

“Stressed, blessed and coffee obsessed”

“Toasters are like tanning beds for bread”

“Soup is just food flavored tea”

“Everything we eat is processed sunshine”

“We eat pizza from the inside out”

“You’re too blessed to be stressed”

“A brownie is like an espresso of cake”

“Why did the vegan cross the road?” (joke)

“Why did the vegan cross the road?” (joke)

“Stressed, well-dressed and coffee obsessed”

“I’m old enough to remember when emojis were called ‘hieroglyphics’”

“Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity”

“Stressed, blessed and coffee obsessed”

“Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef”

“Stressed, well-dressed and coffee obsessed”

“Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity”

“Coffee (n): an attitude adjustment in a mug”

“Hot chocolate is like a hug from the inside”

“Coffee is my favorite co-worker”

“My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine”

“Coffee is my favorite co-worker”

“My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine”

“Coffee (n): survival juice”

“On Mondays, I feel like I need coffee injected directly into my veins”

“On Mondays, I feel like I need coffee injected directly into my veins”

“Without coffee, there would be darkness and chaos”

“Good coffee is a pleasure. Good friends are a treasure”

“Coffee because adulting is hard”

“My boss yelled, ‘You’ve been late 3 times this week, Do you know what that means?’”(Wednesday joke)

“I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows”

“No one flower can ever symbolize this nation. America is a bouquet”

“The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety”

“Two reasons we don’t trust people: 1. We don’t know them, 2. We know them”

“Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it”

“Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn”

“You can’t plant flowers if you haven’t botany”

“I’m holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I’m pretty busy right now”

“Coffee—my hot friend I was telling you about”

“Wealth is what gives you the right to preach about the virtues of poverty”

“We live in an age where we have to prove to machines that we’re not machines”