A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

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“I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa”

“A woman notices her ex-husband drinking at the bar…” (joke)

“And the Lord said unto John, ‘Come forth and receive eternal life!‘“ (joke)

“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass‘“

“I only need coffee on days ending with the letter ‘Y‘“

“I wish my wallet came with free refills”

“Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be”

“Coffee is a liquid hug for your brain”

“After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I’ve successfully installed Java”

“Slow runners make fast runners look good. You’re welcome!”

“After I drink coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and say I’ve successfully installed Java”

“Who says I can’t cook? You obviously haven’t tasted my cereal”

“I’m really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans”

“Self-confidence is the best outfit. Rock it and own it”

“Potatoes give us potato chips, French fries, and vodka”

Coincidence Lasagna/Lasagne (layers of coincidence)

“The pathway to glory is strewn with pitfalls and dangers” (Per Ardua ad Astra)

“My girlfriend can’t wrestle, but you should see her box”

“I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain”

“Coffee gives me the extra boost I need to begin a full day of talking about how tired I am”

“I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order”

“When does a sandwich cook?"/"When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato.”

“A bicycle is just an acoustic motorcycle”

“Sharp as a marshmallow sandwich”

“In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot. It’s your choice”

“Oh my God, a talking muffin!” (joke)

“Coffee—because bad mornings deserve a second chance”

Second Acting

“A space heater makes a great housewarming gift”

“What do you call a laughing piano?"/"A Yamahahahahaha.”

“A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room…” (joke)

“I can’t turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast”

“I’m not above calling in sick from the parking lot”

“North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary…”

“The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying”

“I hate when the debit/credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay”

“Free people don’t ask for permission”

“Empty police cars are scarecrows for people”

“Free men do not ask for permission to bear arms”

“I don’t understand people that have goals like getting likes on their selfie”

“Work Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return”

“Cowboys can never be accountants because all they do is round up”

“There are no fish under the ice!” (ice fishing joke)

“Do you play any sports?” (joke)

“The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well. he called it a receipt…whatever”

“My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb asphalt”

“Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Study Tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return”

“What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Triggernometry.”

“Did you hear about the barista who became really buff? She’s been working on her French press”

“How many sides does a ball have?"/"Two—the inside and the outside.”

“Did you hear about the barista who became really buff? She’s been working on her French press”

“What do you call the study of feminism?"/"Trigonometry.”

“Four brewery CEOs walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans?"/"A brews.”

“What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?"/"Church.”

“Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar, but they were such lyres”

“The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless”

“Damn girl, are you a smoke detector?” (joke)

“I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I’m in whey over my head”

“Life is what happens between coffee and wine”

“Understanding two words will open the most doors for you. Push and pull”

“My favorite time of the year is when the bugs start to die”

“Once you realize you don’t need a special occasion to buy cake, a second part of your life begins”

“Bagels are to donuts as muffins are to cupcakes”

3-and-B (basketball player providing 3-point shooting and blocks)

“Life is what happens between coffee and wine”

“The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless”

Big Apple City

“Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life”

“For problems there is money. For solutions there is only innovation and ideas”

“I need a hug…e bottle of wine”

“The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink”

“May your coffee be stronger than your toddler”

“Whoever thinks money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer it to my account”

“A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on”

“A rosé by any other name would taste as sweet”

“I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive”

“What do you call a laughing motorcycle?"/"A Yamahahahahaha.”

“All ice dispensers have only two settings: 1.No ice; 2.Holy Mother of God, that’s too much ice!!!”

“Success is 10% inspiration, 95% perspiration and 5% math”

“Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren’t trying to Lyft.”

“If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?”

“Some days you’re the donut. Some days you’re the hole”

“Never play Uno with a Mexican. They take all the green cards”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru”

“Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?"/"Because they aren’t trying to Lyft.”

“Disney World is like a huge people trap that is operated by a mouse”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with tacos”

“A single piece of corn is technically a unicorn”

“Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices”

“I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru”

“Butternut squash is a real let down. No butter. No nuts. Just squash”

“Any wine can be a ‘fine’ wine if you drink enough of it”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one with tacos”

“A cat walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

ButtFeed (butt + BuzzFeed)

“Why is a police dog called a K-9?"/"Because if it was higher it would be a cat.”

Goolag (Google + gulag)

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