“Caffeine is the new black”

“Carrot juice is technically orange juice”

“Technically, every beverage is just flavored water”

“What did the Jedi order at the Italian restaurant?”/“Only one cannoli.”

“If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines”

“Paper money is cold hard cash. A credit/debit card is hold card cash”

“Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but people who sell fruit and veg are grocer”

“Coffee is really just hot bean water”

“I haven’t seen faith move mountains, but I have seen what faith can do to buildings”

“I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public”

“I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public”

“I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again”

“It’s strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread”

“Never drink with a man who has no hands because he can’t hold his liquor”

“I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder”

“Why are fishmongers never generous?”/“Because their business makes them sell-fish.”

“I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other”

“A selfie with a celebrity is the new form of an autograph”

“Chinese food is one of the few things I have or consume that isn’t really made in China”

“Dancers count 5-6-7-8 because musicians took 1-2-3-4”

“Why is a dog scared of a fire?”/“It doesn’t want to become a hot dog.”

“Chinese food is one of the few things I have or consume that isn’t really made in China”

“Making fun of a fat person at a gym is like making fun of a sick person at a hospital”

“A doctor walks into a bar…” (“hickory daiquiri doc” bar joke)

“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Start each day with a positive thought like, ‘I can go back to bed in 16 or 17 short hours’”

“Decaf is faced backwards”

“Three Democrats walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Three Republicans walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“KFC should sponsor a soccer team called Kentucky FC”

“Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?”/“He wanted a meatier shower.”

Buffalo: Buffalo Sundae (ice cream sundae)

“What do you call a pretend railway?”/“A play station.”

“Why couldn’t the Italian chef get into his house?”/“Because he had gnocchi.”

“What is Count Dracula’s favorite snack?”/“A fangfurter.”

“Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?”

“Why did the chewing gum cross the road?”/“Because it was under the chicken’s foot.”

“Damn girl, are you a fire alarm? Because you’re really loud and annoying”

“I never knew I could drop out of school until the ‘Be cool, stay in school’ guy gave a speech”

“Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?”/“He wanted a meatier shower.”

“What’s it called when you run 26.2 miles in underwear?”/“A marathong.”

“What do you call a vegetarian Viking?”/“A Nor-vegan.”

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again”

“Technically, a lawless state would be crime free”

“When a cannibal under cooks a psychic: medium rare”

“When you come to a fork in the road, don’t pick it up. God knows where it’s been”

“The cupcake is just the slutty cousin of the muffin”

“Why did the gum cross the road?”/“Because it was under the chicken’s foot.”

“Knock, knock.”/“Who’s there?”/“Brook.”/“Brook who?”/“Brook-lyn Bridge.”

“If avocado is a fruit, is guacamole jam?”

“When you come to a fork in the road, don’t pick it up. God knows where it’s been”

“I feel relatively neutral about New York” (slogan parody)

“If an avocado is a fruit, is guacamole a smoothie?”

“Cooked food smells great, but if a person smells like cooked food they don’t smell great”

“School was great! We made explosives” (joke)

“A vanilla soy latte is a type of 3-bean soup”

“In the binary system, we count on our fists instead of on our fingers”

“What’s the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?” (riddle)

“If Kentucky ever gets a soccer team, they should obviously be Kentucky FC”

“Why do bagpipers walk when they play?”/“To get away from the noise.”

“Too cool for school”

“Do you want a plate of spaghetti?”/“No, I want a normal plate with spaghetti on it.”

“Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River? He committed sewercide”

Alt Left

“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic”

“What do you call a woman who trades sex for spaghetti?”/“A pastatute.”

“Where do religious school children practice sports?”/“In the prayground.”

“I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience”

“What does Kmart stand for?”/“Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too.”

“What do you call an ant who skips school?”/“A truant.”

“‘Dormitory’ is an anagram for ‘dirty room’”

NAShole (NASA + asshole)

“What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?”/“Monkfish.”

“It’s ironic that pregnant women drink virgin cocktails”

“Where do Martians drink beer?”/“At a Mars bar.”

“Three Republicans walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough”

“What is a snake’s favorite subject at school?”/“Hiss-tory.”

“Three Democrats walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Two overachievers walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough”

“What did the cat say when he lost all his money?”/“I’m paw!”

“What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?”/“A beer-a-cuda.”