“Why can’t Chinese barbecue?”/“Because the rice falls through the grill.”

“I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money”

“When poison expires, does it become more poisonous or less poisonous?”

“What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing?”/“The cast-a-net.”

“How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?”/“The bow is moving.”

“Why didn’t the piglets listen to the teacher pig?”/“Because he was an old boar.”

“What did the apple say to the apple pie?”/“You’ve got some crust.”

“A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection…” (joke)

“What do lawyers do after they die?”/“They lie still.”

“How can you help a starving cannibal?”/“Give them a hand.”

“Hamburger patties are really just meatloaf cookies”

“When you’re out of shape, all training is weight training”

“When it comes to sneaking chocolate into the movies, I have a couple Twix up my sleeve”

“Oysters have always been on my shuck-it list”

“I tried to change my password to ‘beefstew,’ but it wasn’t stroganoff”

“I tried to change my password to ‘beefstew,’ but it wasn’t stroganoff”

“What do you call a high-priced barber shop?”/“A clip joint.”

“What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown noser?”/“Depth perception.”

“Unlocking your phone with facial recognition must suck if you’re a twin”

“How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?”/“When the other tenors notice.”

“What is the most pirated Apple product?”/“iPatch.”

“You cannot pretend to play the air guitar”

“How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?”/“None. They can’t reach that high.”

#Fedgibberish (Federal Reserve + gibberish)

“Why do worms taste like chewing gum?”/“Because they’re wrigleys.”

“Eating a cheeseburger is basically eating the cow, the cow’s milk, and the cow’s food”

“The faster you climb an escalator, the more steps it takes to reach the top”

“What’s red and green and wears boxing gloves?”/“A fruit punch.”

“What do you call a teller on a tightrope?”/“Online banking.”

“Glass buildings are just really elaborate sand castles”

“I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors”

“Capitalism without socialism is fascism. Socialism without capitalism is communism”

“Why was the computer mad when he got home?”/“Because he had a hard drive.”

“Why do they call guns arms and arms guns?”

“Fruits and vegetables prevent constipation. That’s why they call it pro-deuce”

“What does a fart from a hard-core milk drinker smell like?”/“Dairy-air.”

“They say there’s safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews”

“Where’s the worst place to bring someone who’s allergic to apples?”/“New York.”

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open”

“A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age”

“Where’s the worst place to bring someone who’s allergic to apples?”/“New York.”

“A sports network employee got arrested for selling company secrets. He was charged with ESPN-age”

“Two zombies were at a graduation party. One asked, ‘How was the grad you ate?’”

“What kind of pig plays basketball?”/“A ball hog.”

“The secret ingredient is one heaping teaspoon of love”

“What is a duck’s favorite snack?”/“Quackers.”

“What do you call a happy cowboy?”/“A jolly rancher.”

“A house is made of wood and stone, but only love can make a home”

“Keep your heels, head & standards high”

“Why did the dog go to court?”/“Because he got a barking ticket.”

“A true friend is one who thinks you’re a good egg, even though you’re slightly cracked”

“Wine is cheaper than therapy”

“Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?”/“Because he rode the range.”

“Why are there donut holes, but not bagel holes?”

“What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?” (joke)

“What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?”/“I’ve got my eye on you!”

“The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios”

“I started a business that sells fertilizer. You could say I’m an entre-manure”

“Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud”

“To the guy who found my empty wallet… I don’t know how to repay you”

“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life” (joke)

“I know HTML (How To Meet Ladies)”

“What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?”/“A desserted island.”

“Come to the nerd side. We have Pi”

“3.14% of sailors are pi rates”

“Does this hotel offer a turndown service?”/“Not to you.”

“That’s how we do it in Brooklyn” (“This is how we do it in Brooklyn”)

“I was going to eat a spaghetti squash, but then I thought, ‘Nah, I butternut’”

“What do you call a sheep with no legs?”/“A cloud.”

“Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors” (joke)

“To err is human. To arr is pirate”

“What do you call a pirate who skips class?”/“Captain Hooky.”

“Lubbock is in the middle of everything” (joke)

“What’s a pirate’s favorite school subject?”/“Arrrrrrrrrrt.”

“What does a Jewish pirate say?”/“Ahoy vey!”

“What’s a pirate’s favorite food?”/“Arrrrrtichokes.”

“Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?”/“Because they can spend years at C.”

“Why did the pirate go to college?”/“To become an arrrrrrchitect!”

“How do pirates communicate with each other?”/“With an aye phone.”

“Looking at the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken must have been 8 or 11 feet tall”

“What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?”/“Arr and B!”

“Soup is salad tea”

“Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?”

“Why did the pirate send his hot dog back at Nathan’s?”/“Because it was a salty dog.”

“Since Latin is a dead language, I expect it would be pretty useful in a zombie apocalypse”

“Sex is like music: For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free”

“Why don’t pirates need lawyers?”/“They prefer to settle through ARRrrrbitration.”

“Why did the pirate ask to get a mortgage with 3.142 percent interest?”/“He wanted the pi-rate!”

“What falls down but never gets hurt?”/“Rain.”

“What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?”/“Cacao.”

“My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemonade & she’s sangria”

“What do you call a ceiling bill that makes you pass out?”/“A roof fee!”

“What is the most well behaved drink?”/“Tea because the others are not tea.”

“There is no gym for your face”

“Which animal is the best at barbecuing?”/“The grilla.”

“Latin is a language as dead as dead can be. It killed the ancient Romans and now it’s killing me”

“If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher”

“Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair”

“‘A fraction of the cost’ is misleading as hypothetically, something could be 3/2 of the cost”

“Couldn’t believe dad stole from his road worker job. But when I got home, all the signs were there”