“What is a criminal’s favorite font?”/“Sans Sheriff.”

“You’d think the bathrooms at Bed Bath, & Beyond would be much nicer”

“What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?”/“A snake in the brass.”

“Doing sit-ups at home is a form of domestic ab use”

“Bullets and fireworks are the only things that do their job after they are fired”

“The phrase ‘it’s not opposite day’ is always true”

“An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel…” (joke)

“The NYPD toilets were stolen. Police have nothing to go on”

“Alcoholic? No, my dear, I prefer the term ‘drinking enthusiast’”

“Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently”

“Beer is yeast urine”

“Sure, I’ll drink more water. Provided it’s frozen and surrounded by alcohol”

Grandpa Pizza (Grandpa Slice)

“Alcohol is yeast urine”

“Where do astronauts go to drink?”/“The spacebar.”

“I think the girl at the grocery store likes me. She was totally checking me out”

“Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently”

“Why did the spy cross the road?”/“Because he was never really on your side.”

“A naked woman gets into a taxi…” (jokes)

“How do snowmen travel around?”/“By icicle.”

“What do you get if you cross a grocery clerk with a scientist?”/“Market research.”

“A testing engineer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Tomato soup is just a hot fruit smoothie”

Fanrageous (fan + outrageous)

“A QA engineer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Why do the Japanese smoke before overthrowing the government?”/“They love haikus.”

“A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Why did the cactus cross the road?”/“It was stuck to the chicken.”

“Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How come, when my wife says ‘we need to talk,’ it’s never about football?”

“I was trying to remember what it’s called when you mix coffee and ice cream, but affogato!”

“People can get away with putting out empty candy bowls on Halloween with ‘take one’ signs”

“Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?”/“Only if they have a very frank relationship.”

“A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Why did the Canadian cross the road?”/“To get to the middle.”

“What’s a police officer’s favorite gaming console?”/“WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U.”

“Why don’t they allow donkeys in school?”/“Because no one likes a smart ass.”

“How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?”/“Hide their trainers.”

“Where do construction workers go to drink?”/“The Rebar.”

“I’m gonna be a Social Justice Warrior for Halloween” (joke)

“I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me”

“I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money”

“What’s a police officer’s favorite gaming console?”/“WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U.”

“Where do construction workers go to drink?”/“The Rebar.”

“How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?”/“Hide their trainers.”

“How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?”/“Put him in the front.”

“How do you stop a dog from barking in the street?”/“Put him in a barking lot!”

“My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I got drunk”

“How do you stop a dog from barking in the back yard?”/“Put it in the front yard.”

“What do you call a nightmare about paper?”/“A bad ream.”

“I’ve been cutting carbs lately—with a pizza cutter”

“Why did the dog cross the road?”/“To get to the barking lot.”

“How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?”/“Put him in your back yard.”

“How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?”/“You can almost hear them.”

“If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins”

“A quesadilla is essentially a grilled cheese sandwich”

“Why did the Jewish man walk into a stop sign?”/“He wasn’t an observant Jew.”

“Speed bumps are just expensive inverted potholes”

“If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins”

“Raviolis are like lasagna pockets”

“Leadership requires a vision of the world that doesn’t yet exist and the ability to communicate it”

“Bacon Mac ‘n’ Cheese is basically just trashy Carbonara”

“Why is it easy to give a speech to an audience of strippers?” (joke)

“Futons are the sporks of the furniture world”

“A microwave is an easy bake oven for adults”

“What do you call a cat that eats lemons?”/“A sourpuss.”

“Why was the road afraid of the bike lane?”/“Because it was a cycle path.”

“Parking garages are hotels for cars” (“Hotel for Autos”)

Hotel for Autos

“What is a jihadist’s favorite kind of pepper?”/“Allahpeño.”

“Cheesecake is actually pie”

“What looks like half of an apple?”/“The other half.”

“Why is food better than men?”/“Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.”

“Trains are just boring rollercoasters”

“What has no legs, but can do a split?”/“A banana.”

“My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill. I said, ‘My door’s always open’’

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“To get away from the bagpipe recital.”

“What do you do when you don’t have any rubber bands?”/“See if you can find a plastic orchestra.”

“What do politicians and porn stars have in common?”/“They’re experts at switching positions.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“To get away from the bagpipe recital.”

“I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench” (joke)

“What do you call two witches who live together?”/“Broommates.”

“Quiche Lorraine is just a breakfast pie”

“If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old”

“A thief entered a theatre. He stole the spotlight”

“If you eat some weed, your taste buds taste buds”

“I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time”

“So far eating hasn’t filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I’m no quitter”

“Knives should be named chopsticks”

“If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head. It’s capsized”

“There’s no ‘I’ in denial”

“I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, ‘One day, this could be you’”

“Your bank account is the adult version of your report card”

“Why did the girl sit on her watch?”/“She wanted to be on time.”

“Why is programming in Django hard?”/“You can only use two fingers on your left hand.”

“How do you get a parrot to talk properly?”/“Send him to polytechnic.”

“How do you know when a liberal is really dead?’/“His heart stops bleeding.”

“Being overweight is the only truth you can successfully run from”

“What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?”/“Branch Manager.”

“How do you make a violin sound like a viola?”/“Sit in the back and don’t play.”