“Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?”/“He didn’t have the stomach for it.”

“A time-stretched sinusoid walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What did the Italian say after he ate an eel pizza?”/“That’s a moray.”

“I forgot the French word for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book”

“In school, kids are grouped by date of manufacture”

“What is a ghost’s favorite game?”/“Hide-and-ghost-seek.”

“What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?”/“Lots of blood tests.”

“A 20 Hz sine wave walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it’s not their own”

“Fruits are just plant ovaries”

“Why did the WASP cross the road?”/“To get to the middle.”

“Why did the tachyon cross the road?”/“Because it was on the other side.”

“What if the lottery is an institution to catch time travelers?”

“What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?”/“A flamethrower.”

“Why did the WASP cross the road?”/“To get to the middle.”

“Egg rolls are basically deep fried cole slaw”

“The drunkest knight of the round table was Sir Rhosis”

“Do I run? Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money”

“What do you call a group of musicians who stole all of their instruments?”/“Bandits.”

“Rice is basically dinner cereal”

“Do you run?”/“Yes. Out of patience, fucks and money.”

“The only thing worse than a buffering video is a buffering ad”

“What’s the scariest dessert?”/“Terrormisu.”

“I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed. He gave me an A4 effort”

“My last boss was a dwarf. He was a real micromanager”

“Is that a custard or a meringue?”/“You’re not wrong. It’s a custard.”

“If you eat falafel with hummus, you are dipping fried chick peas into blended chick peas”

“If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come a car behind me honks before the green?”

“Money launderers are filthy rich!”

“The internet is too pc. Disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits”

“How does a physicist exercise?”/“By pumping ion.”

“Why was the elevator mad?”/“Everyone was pushing its buttons.”

“Disabled cookies? In my day, we called them broken biscuits”

“Why did the bowl of soup disappear?”/“It was leek soup.”

“A cabbage and celery walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“When a computer overheats, it freezes”

“Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food”

“I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it” (joke)

“A runner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“You are what you eat—minus what you excrete”

“The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian”

“I used to date an opera singer, but it didn’t work out. She was all mi, mi, mi”

“Quasimodo walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“An eel walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Onion rings are vegetable donuts”

“What flies when it’s born, lies when it’s alive, and runs when it’s dead?”/“Snow.”

“A marathon runner walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Chuck E. Cheese is really just a casino for children”

“A cabbage and celery walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A goat walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do snowmen call their offspring?”/“Chill-dren.”

“What time do ducks wake up?”/“At the quack of dawn.”

“Cookie dough is the sushi of desserts”

“Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?”/“Because he was stuffed.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“Because Colonel Sanders was after him.”

“A surgeon, an architect, and a politician” (joke)

“A blind man walks into a shop with his seeing-eye dog…” (joke)

“Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?”/“To get to the same side.”

“What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?”/“Look grandpa! No hands!”

“I was walking through college and my camouflage teacher said I haven’t seen you in class”

“Liver alone, cheese mine!”

“What do you call a cow on a trampoline?”/“A milk shake.”

“What do you call a cow during an earthquake?”/“A milk shake.”

“What is a classical musician’s favorite Chinese food?”/“Bach Choy.”

“Candy corn is just corn turned into corn syrup then back into corn”

“Righty tighty, lefty loosey” (screw/unscrew)

“You know you’re at a gay barbecue when the wieners taste like shit”

“A truck full of Vicks VapoRub overturned. Police are saying there will be no congestion for 24hrs.”

“‘Righty tighty, lefty loosey’ isn’t a statement about females and politics”

“What is a classical musician’s favorite Chinese food?”/“Bach Choy.”

“What do you call a matador who gets trampled? A dor mat”

“Grilled cheese with tomato soup is basically deconstructed pizza”

“Why is too much alcohol bad for you?”/“Because that would be too whiskey.”

“A university is a city in outer space”

“Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself”

May Take Awhile (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Martha or Martha Washington Bridge (lower level of George Washington Bridge)

“The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself”

Department of Exaggeration (Department of Education nickname)

“Open Mike Night sounded fun, but then we got to the morgue”

“A spice thief had his own spices stolen. I guess you could say he had it cumin”

“Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with”

Poligarchy (political + oligarchy); Poligarch

“Writing a daily column is like being married to a nymphomaniac”

“We don’t know them all, but we owe them all”

“I swallowed an abacus because it’s what’s inside that counts”

“Why did the girl feed money to her cow?”/“Because she wanted to get rich milk.”

“A grave twenty-three inches long” (a newspaper column)

“Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?”/“Because he wanted rich milk.”

“What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?”/“A flat fish.”

“I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We’re going to go on a date”

Doguero (hot dog vendor)

Renwick Row or English Terrace Row (West 10th Street, Manhattan)

Kid Cheater (spatula)

“Buy someone for what they’re worth; sell them for what they think they’ll bring”

“A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.”

“When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right…”

Coinstipated or Coinstapated (coin + constipated)

“What kind of robbery is not dangerous?”/“A safe robbery.”

“A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch…” (bar joke)