“What sound does a turkey’s cell phone make?”/“WING WING!!”

“For the hay and the corn and the wheat that is reaped” (Thanksgiving poem)

“Oh, I’m glad I’m not a turkey”

“My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…” (joke)

“What screams ‘I’m insecure’?”/“HTTP.”

“What do you call a mad nut?”/“A pistachio.”

“For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid” (joke)

“Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion”

“What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?”/“A pistachio.”

“If the earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?”

Black Friday (false etymology about slavery)

“I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant. It really is Black Fry Day”

Shopocalypse

“I lost my job as a yes man because I no too much”

“What is a snowman’s favorite dinner?”/“Spaghetti and snowballs.”

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal”

“Failed a job interview last week. Apparently a gangbang isn’t proof you can work in a team”

“I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow”

“Never trust atoms. They make up everything” (science joke)

Pennsylvania: “Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh at the ends, Alabama in between”

“I don’t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter”

“Ordered stuff using my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg”

“I know it’s cheesy, but I feel grate”

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal”

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time”

“What happened to the Indian chief who drank too much tea?”/“He drowned in his tea-pee.”

“People often say ‘icy’ is the easiest word to spell and, looking at it now, I see why”

“What kind of vegetables did they eat in the 18th century?”/“Baroque-oli.”

“My dad told me to invest my money in bonds, so I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger”

“If you win a year’s worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?”

“Playing golf is like playing fetch with yourself”

“I was thinking of running a marathon…” (joke)

“What came after the stone age and the bronze age?”/“The sausage.”

“100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars”

“Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?”/“Because they can’t defend their towers.”

“What kind of car does an egg drive?”/“A Yolkswagon.”

“The Beach Boys walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?” (joke)

“Rights are not gifts from government”

“Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head” (joke)

“Absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh”

“What do you call a clock’s signature?”/“It’s John Hanclock.”

“Digging tunnels is a boring job”

“Two penguins walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What is Frosty’s favorite dinner?”/“Spaghetti and snowballs.”

“What do fish need to stay healthy?”/“Vitamin Sea.”

“If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job”

“Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?”/“Because he had low elf esteem.”

“What do you call a clock’s signature?”/“It’s John Hanclock.”

“I’m not yawning. I’m doing face yoga”

“What kind of music does cheese listen to?”/“R&Brie.”

“A pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel…”

“Liberals are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright”

“What cheese has a bit of alcohol problem?”/“Livarot.”

“How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?” (flute joke)

“Co-workers are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright”

“A mother gave birth during flight. The baby was airborne”

“What kind of music does cheese listen to?”/“R & Brie.”

BW3 (Buffalo Wild Wings & Weck nickname)

Vote-a-rama (Vote-a-thon)

“What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products and loves to gamble?”/“A Las Vegan.”

“Whoever said technology would replace all paper hasn’t tried wiping their behind with an iPad”

“A rectangular prism walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Onion rings and french fries are deep fried binary”

“Scholarships are basically giftcards for college”

“I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY…” (joke)

“How much did Santa’s sleigh cost?”/“Nothing, it was on the house.”

“When making mac & cheese I didn’t use a colander long enough; wife gave me a restraining order”

“What do you call a doctor who is on call 24/7?”/“An oncologist.”

“Why didn’t the two fours want any lunch?”/“Because they already eight.”

“Who currently provides your internet?”/“My next-door neighbor.”

“A penguin walks into an airport…” (joke)

“What does an auctioneer need to know?”/“Lots.”

“Auctions are the one place you can get something for nodding”

“This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine”

“Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?” (joke)

“These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks”