“Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, don’t decide when sad”

“Finish your salad. A thousand islands died to make that dressing”

“I’ve never understood the point in fire blankets” (joke)

“It’s okay password, I’m insecure too”

“How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?”/“None, they prefer natural light.”

“With great reflexes comes great response ability”

“Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones”

“How many frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?”/“None, they prefer Natural Light.”

“All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and more pay for not getting it done”

“If you’re not satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain on the internet”

“Better days are coming. They are called Saturday and Sunday”

“At work, when you don’t know what to do, just walk fast and look worried”

“Which animals make potholes?”/“Rodents.”

“What gets bigger the more you take from it?”/“The lower class.”

“What do you call a frozen dog?”/“A pupsicle.”

“What is copper nitrate?”/“Overtime for policemen.”

“Why do chemists like nitrates so much?”/“They’re cheaper than day rates.”

“What do you call a disobedient kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?”/“A rebel without a Claus.”

“What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?”/“A spare, I guess.”

“Why did the console gamer cross the road?”/“To render the buildings on the other side.”

“Why did the gamer cross the road?”/“Buy the DLC to find out.”

“What did the bowling vegetable get on that last frame?”/“A spare, I guess.”

“Why did the console gamer cross the road?”/“To render the buildings on the other side.”

“Private Parking. Unauthorized vehicles will be worked over with a sledgehammer…”

“How did the vegan fix her flat?”/“A spare I guess.”

“Why did the gamer cross the road?”/“Buy the DLC to find out.”

“It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on”

“A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods”

“It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee”

“A bowling alley is a pretty bad place to serve finger foods”

“I wish there was a chess player named Richard. Everything he does would be a Dick move”

“Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?”/“He wanted a balanced meal.”

“How do fish celebrate Christmas?”/“By hanging reefs on the door.”

“Law & Order is Scooby-Doo for adults”

“I do exercise. I do one sit up everyday…when I get out of bed in the morning”

“Hey girl, are you a parked car?” (joke)

“Aprons are just adult bibs”

“A dwarf walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition”

“If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?”

“What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?” (joke)

“What keeps Gouda up at night?”/“The Muenster under the bed.”

“Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas?”/“Because they’re always on the knotty list.”

“Scaffolding—I’m a supporter”

“Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit”

“What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?”/“Horn-aments.”

“Why don’t blondes like making Jell-O?”/“They can’t fit two cups of water in the little box.”

“What do you get from a cowmedian?”/“Cream of Wit!”

“I bought a new weed-whacker today. It’s cutting hedge technology”

“Why don’t blondes like making Kool-Aid?”/“They can’t fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.”

“How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?”/“He keeps a log book.”

“A midget walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How did the blonde die drinking milk?”/“The cow fell on top of her.”

“College is soup and I am a fork”

“What did the sheep say to the shepherd?”/“Season’s bleatings!”

“Why is a salad shooter like the end of a church sermon?”/“Lettuce spray.”

“Do you take the train to work?”/“No way! The train takes me!”

“How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?”/“He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!”

“Season’s bleatings. Fleece on earth. Good wool to men”

“School is soup and I am a fork”

“A day without wine is like… Just kidding. I have no idea”

“What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?”/“Peanut butter and jolly.”

“What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?”/“Floodlights.”

“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do” (joke)

“The book ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ taught me that I can binge eat and take a two-week nap”

“What kind of lights did Noah have in the ark?”/“Arc lights.”

“Do you take the train to work?”/“No way! The train takes me!”

“Who knows about African wines? A Somali, eh”

“Everyone says I talk too much and should get help, so I started attending On & On Anon meetings”

“Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep?”/“On a bed of lettuce.”

“Waiter: Be careful, the plate is really hot. Diner: No worries. I’m not really attracted to plates”

“When I see a bruised apple at the grocery store, I hold it close & whisper, ‘Who did this to you?’”

“I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He’s a Bordeaux collie”

“What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?”/“Crisp Cringle.”

“Where can you always find money?”/“In the dictionary.”

“I can’t wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them”

“Waitress: Sorry about your wait. Diner: Well, I’ve been doing my best to lose it.”

“Most pastas are very serious, but there are a fusilli”

“Did you hear about the farmer who made gloves out of herbs? He had way too much thyme on his hands”

“Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?”/“They always drop their needles.”

“You want to be too sick for school, but well enough to play video games”

Indiana: “If the kitchen’s in the house and Diana’s in the kitchen, what’s in Diana?”

“I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares”

“How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?”/“With oar-naments.”

“I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car”

“What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?” (joke)

“Why is a foot a good Christmas present?”/“Because it’s a great stocking filler.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s easier to leave most street gangs than it is to cancel a gym membership”

“Waiter: Do you wanna box for that? Diner: No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.”

“Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called ‘beautiful’ chocolate, just one time”

“Video games are just really intense thumb wars”

“What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?” (riddle)

“Million Dollar Video Game Idea: A game that teaches gamers how to say words to women”

Freeze Peach (“free speech,” and sometimes an ice cream flavor)

“You want to be sick enough to stay home, but well enough to enjoy video games”

“What do you call a snowman on roller blades?”/“A snowmobile.”

“I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone”

“The food pyramid is a ‘pyramid’ not ‘triangle,’ so what’s on the other sides?”

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve”

“Every fight is a food fight if you’re a cannibal”