“Sometimes I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled my mouse wheel”

“Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?”/“So they can have something to unwrap.”

“What is a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer?”/“Comet.”

“For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It’s the little things that count”

“Heat makes things expand, so I don’t have a weight problem. I’m just hot”

“When did the Japanese start eating omelettes?”/“A long tamago.”

“How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?”/“With missile tows.”

“An English teacher walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Zoos are elaborate prisons for animals who aren’t delicious”

“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple”

“I would’ve kept off the grass, but I don’t understand sign language”

“A teacher walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?”/“COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL!”

“I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang’” (joke)

“Happy whatever doesn’t offend you” (greeting)

“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber”

“What’s a cannibal’s favorite cookie?”/“Ladyfingers.”

“What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?”/“They get their masters.”

“A fish in sea” (“efficiency” pun)

“It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick”

“How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?”/“Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.”

“I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house”

“When does a joke become a dad joke?”/“When the punchline becomes apparent.”

“Do dragons enjoy playing offices and accountants?”

“‘No lemon, no melon’ backwards is ‘No lemon, no melon’”

“I always pick the checkout aisle with the most attractive cashier. The self-checkout”

“Dad used to say ‘the sky’s the limit.’ Which is probably why he got fired from NASA”

“As a child: ‘You’re grounded.’ As an adult: ‘Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm’”

“I’m going to a notable restaurant tonight. I’m excited, but I don’t know where I’ll put my plate”

“Paper or plastic?”/“Either. I’m bisacktual.”

“I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke”

“What’s the shittiest day of the week?”/“SaTURDay.”

“Why do dinosaurs pay for Amazon Shipping?”/“Because they live in the Land before Prime.”

“Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house”

“I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year’s resolution was” (joke)

“Why does your mom taste like a savory?”/“Because she’s umami.”

“How can a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune & Halloween costume make something tasty?”

“What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?”/“Beam me up biscotti.”

“Mary and Abby!”/“Mary and Abby who?”/“Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!”

“I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year’s resolution was” (joke)

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper—dicing with death”

“I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It’s now water under the fridge”

“Not bragging but I made six figures last year. At the toy factory”

La Grosse Pomme (Paris nightclub, 1937-1938)

“My New Year’s revolution is to proofread more”

“That’s a nice ham you got there…” (joke)

“I love how all these so-called ‘vegans’ still drink water. That’s a fish’s house!”

Lechislator (lecher/lecherous + legislator); Lechislature

“A janitor, a waitress, and a bartender walk into a bar… (bar joke)

“What animal can be found in the unemployment line?”/“The poorqueuepine.”

Selfieccino (selfie + cappuccino)

“A large dog’s favorite pastry is a Great Danish”

“There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking…”

“In God we trust. All others we polygraph”

“Where does seaweed go to look for a job?”/“The Kelp Wanted section.”

“Knot knot.”/“Who is there?”/“Earphones.”

“What is an astronomer?”/“A night watchman with a college education.”

“Of course carrot cake is healthy, 60% of its name contains carrot”

“How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?”/“None. He fell.”

“If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria—powerhouse of the cell”

“Where do astronauts leave their spacecrafts?”/“At parking meteors.”

“Where does a gorilla play baseball?”/“In the bush leagues.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won’t stick with this one either”

“I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty”

“Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer?”/“Because the grass tickles their balls.”

“Hash browns are just flat tater tots”

“Don’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Day because it’s only the first date”

“Why don’t I eat beans? Because it gives migas”

“Firefighters never want the option of working from home”

“I really want to buy a supermarket checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back”

“I don’t always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs”

“How do you make rice wine cold?”/“Remove the ‘r.’”

Mississippi: “What do you call a hippie’s wife?”/“Mississippi.”

“Lift your left leg up on December 31st at 11:59:59. Start the New Year off on the right foot”

Dressed Resembling A Girl (“drag” backronym)

“What’s the difference between the Cleveland Browns and the alphabet?”/“The alphabet has a W.”

“What would Economics be without assumptions?”/“Accounting.”

“My baggage was lost on a layover in Helsinki. Guess it must have disappeared into Finnair”

“My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are”