“What did the shoe say to the gum?”/“Stick with me and we’ll go places.”

“‘Wow, the Lean Cuisine really filled me up!’ said no one ever”

“The real joke is always in the comments”

“What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?”/“Every morning you’ll rise and shine!”

“What did the cat say when he lost all his money?”/“I’m paw!”

“Make your exercise resolution on the Chinese new year to avoid crowded gyms”

“What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?”/“About $50,000 a year.”

“It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant”

“My sex life is like a video game. Single Player”

“When does a joke become a dad joke?”/“When it’s fully groan.”

“When does a joke become a dad joke?”/“When it leaves you and never comes back.”

“Take a drug test? I know all about drugs!”

“What kind of wine do horses drink?”/“Caberneigh.”

“Don’t worry about the snow storm. Everything’s going to be all white”

“What kind of water do cats like to drink?”/“Purr-ified water.”

“I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some serious explaining to do”

“Waiter: May I take your plates? Diner: Sure, they were yours to begin with!”

“My wife and I watched three movies back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV”

“What if tinfoil producers create conspiracies so people buy their tinfoil?”

“What’s Darth Vader’s favorite Canadian dish?”/“Palpoutine.”

“What does a blind man use to ski?”/“A skiing eye dog.”

“What do you call it when two chips fall in love?”/“A relation-dip.”

“Diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience”

“What’s the opposite of a fish out of water?”/“A fish in sea.”

Hocto Dog or Hoctodog (octopus hot dog)

“The #MeToo movement is supposed to be empowering, but why PoundMeToo?”

“Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?”/“Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.”

“It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick”

“Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except for abortion jokes. There is no delivery”

“It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside”

“What is the healthiest kind of water?”/“Well water.”

“Someone should rewrite the history books to refer to ancient spice traders as thyme travelers”

“It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside”

“It was so cold that Dunkin’ Donuts was serving coffee on a stick”

Veganuary (vegan + January)

“I must get up. My coffee needs me”

“Life is a soup and I’m a fork”

“Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute”

“I love you more than Chinese restaurants love cats”

“I think my soulmate might be carbs”

“What do you get when you cross a Jamaican with a ginger?”/“A gingerbreadmon.”

“You can only say ‘WTF’ so many times a day until you decide to start drinking”

“I’m a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows”

“My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning”

“If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t”

“It was so cold that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs”

“It was so cold outside that I farted snowflakes”

“It was so cold that the Times Square hookers charged $20 just to blow on your hands”

“It was so cold that grandpa’s teeth chattered—and they were still in the glass”

“It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup”

“It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on”

“It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee”

“It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream”

“How do you insult a hamburger patty?”/“Call it a meatball!”

“It was so cold that the cops were tasering themselves”

“It was so cold that we didn’t clean the house—we just defrosted it”

“My Geography teacher died yesterday. Well, he is History now”

“It was so cold that I enjoyed it when someone spilled hot coffee on my lap”

“It was so cold we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords”

“Why do all hot dogs look the same?”/“Because they are in bread.”

“It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC’s deep fryer”

“Somewhere there’s a bottle of Caesar salad dressing with an expiration date of March 15”

“Corn on the cob is just ribs for vegetarians”

“What do you call a gay milkman?”/“A dairy queen.”

“Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off…”

“What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?”/“Porcupines have pricks on the outside.”

“What does a vampire order at a Chinese restaurant?”/“Chow vein.”

“Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off…”

“January is the Monday of the year”

“I’ve reached the age where ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap”

“It was so cold that pickpockets were sticking hands in strangers’ pockets to keep them warm”

“It was so cold that opticians were giving away ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses”

“I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break”

“A good date ends with dinner. An awesome date ends with breakfast”

“Water is just cloud milk”

Melancauliflower or Melancholiflower (melancholy + cauliflower); Meloncauliflower, Meloncholiflower

“I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it’s rare”

“Cereal is just milk soup”

“A girl loved me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet”

“Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place”

“Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first. Realists just start drinking”

“What type of magazines do cows read?”/“Cattlelogs.”

“Dry pet food is basically meat cereal” (“Dog food is just meat cereal”)

“I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom. No one questions you if you spend 45 minutes there”

“What is a duck’s favorite dance?”/“The quackstep.”

“What’s the opposite of ladyfingers?”/“Mentos.”

“How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?” (riddle)

“What kind of headaches do wheat farmers get?”/“My grains.”

“What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?”/“They toasted the bride and groom.”

“Why was the cannibal looking peeky?”/“Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog.”

“What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?”/“Tweetie Pie.”

“Martinis are like women’s breasts. One isn’t enough and three are too many”

“What do you call a vegetable that’s standing in line?”/“A queuecumber.”

“What’s water squared?”/“Ice cube.”

“Why did the otter cross the road?”/“To get to the otter side.”

“My father’s answer to everything was alcohol. He didn’t drink; he was just shit at quizzes”

Twatzi (Twitter + twat + Nazi)

“Why did the printer go to the gym?”/“To get toner.”

“Fun Fact: There’s more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe”

“What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?”/“You get light music.”