“What’s larger than a pico de gallo?”/“A kilo de gallo.”

“I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam”

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar—Demerara”

“I find jello a little off-pudding”

“Cannibal 1: Your wife makes great soup. Cannibal 2: Yes, but I’ll miss her.”

“A rock walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What drink always has a cold?”/“Cough-ee.”

“Doctor says alcoholism is a disease. Bartender says get your shots here”

“How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?”/“He prawned everything.”

“What’s the derivative of Amazon?”/“Amazon Prime.”

“Efficiency is clever laziness”

“How does a capitalist text?”/“BY YELLING.”

“I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa”

“What do two communists have in common?”/“Everything.”

“My mayonnaise is trying kill me or so my sauces tell me”

“What is a pirate’s favorite drink?”/“Hi-C.”

“Alcoholism is a disease. Get your shots here!” (bar sign)

“I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels”

“Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?”/“They get to meet their old flames.”

“I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me”

“A spark plug walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn distance relationship”

“I’m so unfamiliar with my gym that I have started calling it Mr. James”

“What food are you able to can?”/“Cannibal (can able) food.”

“What do you call an Italian search engine?”/“Bada Bing.”

“Waiter: Is your food spicy, sir? Diner: No, smoke always comes out of my ears!”

“A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane”

“Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?”/“So he could yell ‘Anna 1, Anna 2!’”

“I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars”

“How do German breads greet each other?/“By saying ‘Gluten Tag!’”

“Why didn’t anyone respect the mushroom farmer?”/“He had no morels.”

“A street had houses numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane”

“I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars”

“Chickens like to draw, but a cock’ll doodle, too”

“What do you call a spooky burrito?”/“A boo-rito.”

Cryptocalypse or Cryptopocalypse (crypto + apocalypse)

“If you’re American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?”/“European.”

“What do ducks eat for breakfast?”/“Quacker Oats.”

“How do you make a sausage roll?”/“Push it.”

“I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don’t understand; I’m always hard at work”

“I just donated $100 to a blind children’s charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it”

“I may be fat, but I identify as a skinny person. I’m trans-fat”

“Where did the general keep his armies?”/“In his sleevies.”

Meaty Urologist (“meteorologist” pun)

“Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics…”

“Nuts are just tasty wood”

“Arguing on the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics…”

“I don’t think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn’t speak to me”

“When my father came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold…”

“Use the word ‘beans’ in a sentence.”/“We are all human beans.”

“I’m allergic to rice. I’m basmatic”

“Did you bring bread for the pigeons (in the park)?”/“No, I eat them without the bread.”

“What do you call a surreptitious shellfish?”/“Clamdestine.”

Girther (someone suspicious about another’s weight)

“Agriculture majors who become farmers always find a job in their field”

“Do burlesque shows have undress rehearsals?”

“Voting Democrat/Republican is like competing in the Special Olympics…”

“What kind of driver never gets a ticket?”/“A screwdriver.”

“The feeling of not having to work tomorrow is better than the feeling of not having to work today”

“You know it’s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation”

“Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire? It’s for foul balls”

Girther (someone suspicious about another’s weight)

“Human statue street performers can be made to move by taking money out of the hat”

“The most unrealistic thing about Monopoly is the free parking”

“What do you call an alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks & animal fat?”/“An extra cholesterol”

“How come, if ants are always so busy, they always get time to show up at picnics?”

“A golf course is a site to be holed”

“Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the Olympics? It fell at the final curdle”

“Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?” (riddle)

“The font family changed their TV today. It wasn’t working with their Arial”

“Why did the suicidal chicken cross the road?”/“To get to the other cyanide.”

“What does a vegan pirate do in jail?”/“Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!”

“My dad’s brother eats loads of pasta. He’s my carbuncle”

“What does a cannibalistic cow eat?”/“Can o bull.”

“What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?”/“Ships Ahoy!”

“Froot Loops are just gay Cheerios”

“Tried to start a dating site for chickens, but it didn’t work out. It was hard to make hens meet”

“A corn maze is a maize maze”

“My TV keeps changing the channels by itself every few seconds. It’s an ADHD TV”

“Where did the kittens go on their class trip?”/“To a mewseum.”

“Why did the turtle cross the road?”/“To get to the Shell station.”

“Media: Scientist claims ‘Findings are meaningless’” (joke)

“Why did the chicken end up in the soup?”/“Because it ran out of cluck.”

“What did the chicken do when she saw a bucket of fried chicken?”/“She kicked the bucket!”

“Please send an ambulance to 28 Eucalyptus Street” (joke)

“What do you call a group of pirate ships?”/“An Arrrrrmada!”

“Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7 p.m.?”/“Because it’s Crypto-night.”

“Welcome to Chocoholics Anonymous. Would anyone like to pick a Topic?”

“Two oranges walk into a bar…” (joke)

“What’s the difference between a high school reunion and a hockey game? (joke)

“Is chicken soup good for your health?”/“Not if you’re the chicken!”

“What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?” (joke)

Spaghetti Bollock-Knees (Spaghetti Bolognese)

“What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of socks?”/“Arrrrgyle.”

“What’s the difference between a hockey game and a high school reunion?” (joke)

“Our Lager, which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink…”

BTFGS (Buy The Fucking Government Shutdown)

“I can hear Monday morning already whispering ‘Go fuck yourself’ into my ear”

“Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise”

“You can also do work the day after tomorrow. Be lazy. Think crazy”