“You’re never too old to learn something stupid”

“People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill”

“Why did the raccoon cross the road?”/“He didn’t, he got hit by a car.”

“It doesn’t matter how ready you think you are. The toaster will scare you”

“What kind of coffee do cops drink?”/“Coppicino.”

“A square, a triangle and a hexagon walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a pig with no legs?”/“A groundhog.”

“You can’t outrun a fart on a treadmill”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch”

“I used to run a pizza restaurant called Calzone, but it folded”

“Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise”

“Frank Sinatra’s son has invented Wildebeest Pâté—start spreading the gnus”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch”

“Pancakes are just boneless waffles”

“What do you call a crazy chicken?”/“A cuckoo cluck.”

“If someone says that they are short staffed at work, does that mean only midgets work there?”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains”

“It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains”

“Wheel, wheel, wheel, if it isn’t the tricycle”

“Seasoned fries are what rookie fries eventually become”

“Two condoms walk past a gay bar…” (joke)

“What’s a vampire’s least favorite newspaper(s)?”/“The Sun and The Mirror.”

“Call me an Uber.”/“You’re an Uber!”

“What tea do hockey players drink?”/“Penaltea.”

“If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one”

“If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later”

“Anywhere you leave your remote control becomes a remote location”

“What wobbles when it flies?”/“A jelly-copter.”

“Why shouldn’t you tell a secret in a cornfield?”/“Because the corn has ears.”

“Knock, knock.”/“Who’s there?”/“Ya.”/“Ya who?”/“Dot com.”

“What wobbles and flies?”/“A jellycopter.”

“Where do fortune tellers dance?”/“At the crystal ball.”

“What do you call a flying monkey?”/“A hot air baboon.”

“Sometimes all you need is a hug from the right person and all your stress will melt away”

“No matter how much it rains, there’s a place in you that never stops shining”

“What do you call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?”/“Santapplause.”

“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here” (joke)

“A dog walks into a telegram office…” (joke)

“I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock…” (joke)

“I’ve got a job as part of a human chess board. I’m on knights this week”

“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here” (joke)

“What do farmers use to make crop circles?”/“A protractor.”

“What kind of milk do they use to make Swiss cheese?”/“Hole milk.”

“Guacamole is just avocado salsa”

“A dickhead walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock…” (joke)

“What do you get from eating too much guacamole?”/“Guacoma.”

“What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?”/“The collie-wobbles.”

“I’ve just started work as a human chess piece. The money’s good. I’m on knights this week”

“Why shouldn’t you put avocados in your eyes?”/“You could get guacoma.”

“What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?”/“A catameringue.”

“I think it’s neat to order whisky, no ice”

“What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?”/“A catameringue.”

“Avocado salsa is just guacamole”

“What do you say to a naked pig?”/“I never sausage a body.”

“I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges”

“Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh”

“The hospital you were born in is the only building you leave without entering”

“Where can you go to get a lap dance and a decent steak?”/“The New York Strip Club.”

“Snow that doesn’t stick is disappointment rain”

“This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies”

“Why do fish swim in schools?”/“Because they can’t walk in schools.”

“If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock”

“I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing, bought a boom”

“Since an avocado is a fruit, does that make guacamole a fruit salad?”

“Kind people are my kinda people”

“Flight attendants go to boarding school”

“Flight attendants go to boarding school”

“Old ways won’t open new doors”

“Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation”

“I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom”

“Pomegranate is the corn of fruit”

“I love you to the fridge and back”