“Aim so high that others will think you’re crazy”

“Gotham criminals should only do crime on cloudless nights”

“I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it”

“We had a candlelit dinner last night. Everything was extremely under-cooked”

“Is it okay to bring marijuana brownies to pot luck dinner?”

“Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace”

“Well, well, well. Welcome to stutter class”

“When nudists are nervous about giving a speech, do they imagine everyone with their clothes on?”

“Teacher: Why are you late for class?” (school joke)

“How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?”/“Never enough.”

“James Joyce walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“What do you call a line dancer on a cruise?”/“An ocean liner.”

“Poorly constructed burritos get a bad wrap”

“Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust”

“What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?”/“It’s all in the grip.”

“What do cats read in the morning?”/“Mewspapers.”

“Where do suicide bombers go when they die?”/“Everywhere.”

“A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is”

“What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?”/“Find the nearest skyscraper.”

“What do cheap hotels and skinny jeans have in common?”/“No ballroom.”

“2 stages of my life: I should eat & I shouldn’t have eaten that much”

“I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It’s baste on a true story”

“What do you call a depressed cow?”/“An emoo.”

“Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday”

“When do burgers quit their jobs?”/“The day they decide to meat loaf.”

“I’m convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers”

“When I asked a taxidermist what she did for a living, she replied with ‘You know, stuff’”

“Dear liver, it’s Friday. Sorry, little buddy”

“What’s the greatest cheese of all time?”/“GOAT cheese.”

SLIF (Sorry Liver, It’s Friday)

“Instead of cashiers saying ‘here’s your receipt’ they should say ‘will you throw this away?’”

“Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’?”/“Because every play has a cast.”

“I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It’s baste on a true story”

“Why are fish no good at tennis?”/“They don’t like to get too close to the net.”

“Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage”

“I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for two years”

“Did you hear about the dancer’s birthday? It was a tappy one!”

“When you stop and think about them, treadmills are really dangerous”

“Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?”/“Wee paws for station identification.”

“When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion”

“What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?”/“Find the nearest skyscraper.”

“Nillionaire is a fancier way of saying that you are broke”

“How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?”

“Studying is my drug. But thank God I say no to drugs”

“Where do beans invest their money?”/“The stalk market.”

“When I was at school, people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion”

“What surfs the internet and goes, ‘Choo, Choo’?”/“Thomas the Search Engine.”

“When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that stays shut”

“Peeling a fruit is like unwrapping a gift from the earth”

“A peanut sat on a railroad track. His heart was all a-flutter…”

“We’ll, we’ll, we’ll, if it isn’t autocorrect”

“Celery farmers play the stalk market”

“Why do kittens make good announcers?”/“Because they have wee paws for station identification.”

“What do you call a girl who works in a sunbed shop?”/“Tanya.”

“You know it’s tax season when you see a dancing Statue of Liberty on the street corner”

Environmental Poisoning Agency (Environmental Protection Agency or EPA nickname)

“What’s the best day to eat bacon?”/“Fry-day.”

“I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk”

World Homicide Organization (World Health Organization or WHO nickname)

“You know it’s tax season when you see a dancing Statue of Liberty on the street corner”

“I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk”

Center for Disease Creation (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or CDC nickname)

Volmageddon (volatility + Armageddon)

“How did the cheesemaker paint his wife?”/“He Double Gloucester.”

“If confusion is the beginning of wisdom, I am totally on the right track”

“Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?”/“It’s a smart TV.”

“What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?”/“We are both lawyers!”

“What does a cow ride when his car is broken?”/“A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.”

“Why does fried duck get golden, crispy and delicious?”/“The mallard reaction.”

“Are donuts made out of hole wheat?”

“Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more”

“What’s the difference between an Afghani military base and a Pakistani elementary school?” (joke)

“What type of singer sings about candy?”/“A candy wrapper.”

“Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?”/“Because he’ll dessert you.”

“There’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a pizza”

“If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules”

“What type of singer sings about candy?”/“A candy wrapper.”

“I go to the gym almost every day—almost Monday, almost Tuesday…”

“$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day. All eight books were recovered”

“The gold and other items of value placed in Egyptian tombs was the very first cryptocurrency”

“The earth used to be flat…until they buried yo mama”

“Of all my body parts, my eyes get the most exercise, I do at least a thousand eye rolls every day”

“What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?”/“Limburger.”

“What is a lion’s favorite cheese?”/“Roar-quefort.”

“Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it”

“What does cheese like to drink?”/“Morbier.”

“What would be a Cornish pirate’s favorite cheese?”/“Yarrrrg.”

“Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does. That’s why I think of jogging every day”

“What’s a pirate’s favorite cheese?”/“Cheddarrrr.”

“Why does cheese look sane?”/“Because everything else on the plate is crackers.”

“Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions”

“If you can’t make both ends meet, make one end a vegetable”

“I make serious coffee—so strong it wakes up the neighbors”

“I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions”

“What’s a pirate’s favorite cheese?”/“Yarrrrrrrrlsberg.”

“If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?”

“Today is one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee”

“What’s a pirate’s favorite cheese?”/“Havarrrrrti.”

“There’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito”

“Never trust anyone who smiles before their first cup of coffee”