“What do you call a cow on stilts?”/“Raising the steaks.”

“What’s a skier’s favorite lunch meat?”/“Slalomi.”

“Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning”

“How do you start a pudding race?”/“Sago.”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there”

“What’s a skier’s favorite lunch meat?”/“Slalami.”

“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a hotel.”/“Can I examine you?”/“Be my guest.”

“The ‘mac’ in mac and cheese is also an acronym for ‘mac and cheese’”

“Never trust anyone who smiles on a Monday”

“I took levitation classes once, but I dropped out”

“Weddings are basically funerals with cake”

“A man promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day. So he took her to a baseball park”

“A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“My wife asked me, ‘Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard?’” (joke)

“It wasn’t school John disliked, it was just the principal of it”

“What’s a cat’s favorite button on the TV remote control?”/“Pause.”

“A bra walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays”

“I’m not running away from hard work. I’m too lazy to run”

“An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her”

“My thighs are so sexy, they can’t stop touching each other”

“Please be patient. I’m screwing things up as fast as I can”

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies…”

“I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think ‘I’d tap that’”

“My diet today: 1% real food, 99% Halloween candy”

“College is a constant struggle of if I should eat, sleep, cry, study, or workout”

Little Easy (Oxford, Mississippi nickname)

“Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence”

“I do marathons (on Netflix)”

“I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work”

“I made a huge to do list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it”

“Does anyone else get road rage from pushing a cart through the aisles at Walmart?”

“Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza”

“I do marathons (on Netflix)”

“Chocolate is great. It gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate”

“A paper cut is a tree’s last revenge”

“I think my smartphone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I’m still at work”

“I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I’m still at school”

“An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money”

“After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it”

“This Valentine’s Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated”

“Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river”

“I tried taking everything in life with a grain of salt. After using up two bags of salt I gave up”

“Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from”

“Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business”

“Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?”

“How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?”

“Money doesn’t make happiness. It buys it already made”

“If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way”

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory”

“A good insurance company knows how to handle acclaim”

Gumbo City (New Orleans nickname)

“When police arrest a mentally unstable person, technically that qualifies as busting a nut”

“‘The later I get here, the quicker this ends’ isn’t the right answer for ‘why are you late?’”

“You can trust a dog to guard your house, but never trust a dog to guard your sandwich”

“Hurry up and pass out the test before I forget everything!”

“Let a homeless person use a computer and he’ll search through the recycle bin”

“When a clock battery dies, the clock records the time of its death”

“Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door”

“The man who drank a bottle of varnish had a horrible end, but a lovely finish”

“You can trust your dog to guard your house, but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich”

“How do midget waiters get paid?”/“Under the table.”

“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up”

“Why is it so easy to get into pirate college?”/“Because you only need the high C’s.”

“The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes”

“I have a horse named Mayo. Mayo neighs”

“A really bad impressionist walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A truck carrying onions has overturned. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on”

“A friend is like a four-leaf clover—hard to find, lucky to have”

“A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus” (joke)

“Hey, what are you doing in the supermarket?” (joke)

“An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study”

“A web developer left a restaurant before ordering because he hated the menus” (joke)

Big Road Apple (Big Apple + road apple)

“Why can’t cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around”

“Cleaning house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing”

“I fetched a pail of water and ate a KFC family meal. Two things I can cross off my bucket list”

“Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?” (joke)

“I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process”

“A snail walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television”

“I wonder if the guy who coined the term ‘One Hit Wonder’ came up with any other phrases”

“I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with ‘Y’”

“The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television”

“What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?”/“A Piña Colonic.”

“The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver”

“Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday”

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now change your Facebook status”

“Toast is just twice-baked bread”

“Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled”

“I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained. Took me two hours to finish my soup”

“In February, your daily rent is more expensive than in all other months”

“It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the express lane”

“The judo club knows how to throw a party”

“If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet”

“My wife is leaving me because I’ve put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she’s coming from”

“You know you’re lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans”

“Next week, I’m going on a diet. You can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate”

“Old math teachers never die—they just become irrational”

“Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living”