“Grocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to turnip the covers endive into bed”

“There’s life outside the internet.”/“Send me the link.”

“What did the Dorito say to the cowboy?”/“Cool ranch.”

“All I ask is if we arm the teachers, the librarians get silencers”

“The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window”

“What do you call a snowman with a six pack?”/“An abdominal snowman.”

“We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply”

“Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook? ‘101 Ways to Wok Your Dog’”

“We had dinner and watched a movie together. Then the plane landed”

“A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. You play games”

“I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me”

“I told my boss I needed a pay raise. I said that three other companies are after me” (joke)

“Never ask a starfish for directions”

“Bland salad is a problem that needs a dressing”

“What do you call a snowman with a six pack?”/“An abdominal snowman.”

Tacro (taco + croissant)

Crozel (croissant + pretzel)

“Never chase after someone who doesn’t chase after you. So the ice cream man can fuck off”

“Why do bankers make great lovers?”/“They know the penalty for early withdrawal.”

Cragel (croissant + bagel)

“Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck”

“I’m too embarrassed to go to my kindergarten reunion. I’ve put on, like, 130 pounds since then”

“May your troubles be less and your blessings be more” (toast)

“Some of the best moments are never captured by cameras and are not posted in any social media”

“I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming. They were rap scallions”

“Hip hop onions are rap scallions”

“A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up”

“My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They are his watch dogs”

“Why is there kosher salt, but no kosher pepper?”

“Why did the hedgehog cross the road?”/“To see his flat mate.”

Road Apple

“Chicken salad is just well aged egg salad”

“Why did the hedgehog cross the road?”/“To see his flatmate.”

“Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet”

“Internet killed the video star” (“Internet killed the video store”)

“Who’s the spiciest knight of the round table?”/“Sir Racha.”

“What is the color of a hamburger?”/“Burgundy.”

“Being a good worker is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet”

“Internet killed the video star” (“Internet killed the video store”)

“The square root of -1 walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Stress is caused by giving a fuck”

“Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast”

“I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely”

“Bought a high definition dessert today. It was a creme Blu-ray”

“Wrote a play about weather, with 100 actors as clouds. It was overcast”

“The menu had many different kinds of food on it. So I asked, ‘Can I have a clean one?’”

“What is Pac-Man’s favorite piece of cookware?”/“A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok.”

“I dropped my phone from the fourth floor, but it was on airplane mode so it landed safely”

“What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch?”/“A tuna frittata.”

“I went to a vegan restaurant last night. Was told the menu was quite tasty” (joke)