“Just opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time and was completely shocked”

“Why did the snail cross the road?”/“I don’t know. It hasn’t gotten there yet.”

“The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub”

“Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public” (prank)

“We used to have village idiots, but with the internet, they’ve gone global”

“Why was the snowman sad?”/“Because he had a meltdown.”

“Why don’t pâtissiers buy cigarettes?”/“Because they profiterole their own.”

“If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here, either”

“Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from beating my coworkers”

“‘Dress for the job that you want’ is bad advice for aspiring police officers”

“‘Dress for the job that you want’ is bad advice for aspiring police officers”

“Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore”

“Tick taco” (tick tock + taco)

“Amazon is basically Acme from the Roadrunner cartoons”

“Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry”

“Why don’t you wear snow boots?”/“Because they’ll melt.”

“WWE is just redneck anime”

“You can tell a girl likes you if she stares at your phone instead of her own”

“A restaurant for young cows is a calfé” (calf + café)

Saint City (New Orleans nickname)

“Movies are the one time you don’t want front row seats”

“What do Spanish clocks say?”/“Tick taco.”

“Apparently it takes men longer to shop on the internet than at an actual store”

“What do you call a radio that exercises?”/“Radioactive.”

“Checking Facebook is like checking your underwear after a fart. There’s most likely nothing new…”

“‘I could watch him play video games for hours,’ said no one’s wife, ever”

“Somebody broke into my house yesterday and stole all my lamps. I was delighted”

“Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?”/“Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated.”

“Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?”/“Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated.”

“I just pead on the table” (pea joke)

Second Line; Second Liner; Second Lining

“We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection”

Dumbest Organization Ever (Department of Education nickname)

“If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, he would be your fed ex”

“What do you call a radio that exercises?”/“Radioactive.”

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness”

“My boss told me time is money. I don’t buy that for a second”

“Why are origami artists bad at poker?”/“They always fold.”

“When does an astronaut eat?”/“At launch time.”

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough” (joke)

“P.M.A. (Positive Mental Attitude)—I’m positive, I’m mental and I know I have attitude!”

City of a Million Dreams (New Orleans nickname)

“I live for my alarm clock collection. It’s what gets me up in the morning”

“What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn’t pay his bill?”/“Pack your trunk!”

“What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?”/“The Top Urner.”

“What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?”/“There was some money in the kitty!”

“Everyone knows about the Secret Service”

“Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?”/”‘Scurvy.”

“More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren”

“Porn is the only industry where having sex with your coworkers is encouraged”

“I’ve given up my job in the circus because it was too difficult to juggle work and family”

“What do you call a BBQ pun?”/“A meataphor.”

“I was poor, I had to use old calendars for toilet paper. Now those days are behind me”

“People say time is money. Well, I don’t buy that for a second”

“How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?”/“Turn off the light.”

“We’re all in the same game, just different levels”

“Clapping is just repeatedly high-fiving yourself over someone else’s achievement”

Creole City (New Orleans nickname)

“What does garlic do when it gets hot?”/“It takes its cloves off.”

“Why are elevator jokes always funny?”/“Because they work on so many different levels.”

“I only carry rare coins. I have no common cents”

“Cheese is the savoury equivalent of chocolate”

Dormitory of New York (Brooklyn)

“What do you get from a forgetful cow?”/“Milk of amnesia.”

“More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren”

“Coffee shops are just gas stations for people”

“If you’re running to create electricity, then really you’re making elLEGtricity”

“Why don’t vegans take risks?”/“Because their life could be at steak.”

“Restaurants are just gas stations for people”

“If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel”

“Abortion is not healthcare because killing isn’t healing”

“What kind of shoes does a plumber wear?”/“Clogs.”

Gov’t Squad (Geek Squad nickname)

“Twitter becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do”

“The internet becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do”

“The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea”

“Why didn’t 4 enter the haunted house?”/“Because it was 2 squared.”

“Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do”

“What do you call an alligator in a vest?”/“An investigator.”

“A Nazi walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Showing your love is now just looking at them for five minutes without checking your phone”

Big Apple Awards (PRSA—New York Chapter)

“What did the deer forget when trying to make pizza?”/“The doe.”

“When you put your seatbelt on, you’re wearing your car”

“Friends are people who stick together until debt do them part”

“Did you hear the story of the boy who spoke to legumes? Jack and the Beans Talk”

“Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women?”/“They’re too bitter.”

“What do cars do at the disco?”/“Brake dance.”

“What kind of tea do you drink with the queen?”/“Royal-tea.”

“What is a salmon’s least favorite type of pastry?”/“Bear claws.”

“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine”

“You people who have just one glass of wine… What’s that like?”

“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine”

“Go Dutch?”/“OK. ‘Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?’”

“‘News’ is an acronym—Notable Events, Weather, and Sports”

“I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy”

“If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink wine, you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends”

“The national dish of America is menus”

“Wine is win with an ‘e’ on the end”

“Is the sex offender registry where sex offenders sign up for gifts?”